Current Affairs

How I tried to stop riots, looting and arson in England in 2011

Long, long ago I was in London for a few days. Thats why when I saw the London riots in 2011 on television my heart went out to all Englishmen. I mean, what wrong did they do besides marrying Indian women and creating a bunch of hard-partying Anglo-Indians? The English definately don’t deserve this.

In order to try and stop the riots, I immediately booked my flight to London. Once in London, I realized it was crazy. My immediate reaction was ‘why would anybody do this to their own country?’ And then I answered my own question with another question – ‘who in London is from England? None!’

As I was waiting for my baggage to arrive, I saw on BBC channel being aired on all TV screens at the Heathrow airport, that scared by the extensive London riots, the French had surrendered.

BBC also had a ticker running which said British Telecom’s stocks had gone up due to the high number of internet connection requests it had received ever since the London riots had begun. Experts believe it might be from the looters, who ran away with the Laptops. At the same time, Dell’s call center has been inundated with calls from in and around London on how to switch on the laptops.

My baggage took a good 30 minutes to arrive. My immediate reaction was to blame the blacks in London, who were most likely to be the baggage handlers and most likely to be on leave to make sure they don’t miss the rioting opportunity. But another Englishman who was returning from a business trip to Singapore corrected me. He said: “There are no blacks working at the London airport.”

When I wanted to know the reason, he said, “Placing a vacancy available board was a surefire way of scaring the black population away.”

I would have had a biased opinion, if I hadn’t watched the Live BBC Telecast of the riots that followed the news. It wasn’t just the blacks who were rioting. There were whites as well. I was most pissed about this white guy who had stolen BBC Channel’s broadcast mike and was looking into the camera and giving a running commentary on the riots. What balls – he didn’t even wear a mask!

Finally, I got my baggage and exited the airport. Took a cab to my friend’s place in Tottenham. Scared of the riots, the Pakistani cab driver refused to drive me to my friend’s house and asked me to walk the last one Kilometer.

As I was nearing my friend’s house I saw two men wearing black uniforms carrying a television and moving towards a house. I couldn’t allow this to happen in a country I loved – it was looting in broad day light and I had to stop it at any cost. I immediately took a shovel which was lying nearby and hit both the men on their head and knocked them unconscious. Surprises me to what extent these men would go to loot white goods – they were wearing FedEx’s black uniform and had even arranged for the popular FedEx van. I then handed over the television to a black man in a neighboring house and asked him to call the cops and surrender the television to the police.

Satisfied that I had at least saved one television from being looted, I finally reached my friend’s house. Satbir Singh had stayed in Southall for ten years and only recently moved to Tottenham.

“Welcome, my friend!” he said the moment he saw me. “Bad time to be in England,” he added.

I explained to him that I didn’t have any time for formalities and had to stop the riots immediately. He agreed. He was also pissed with the riots. The thing that irked him most was the timing of the riots – it was his birthday week.

“Imagine my plight. Celebrating my birthday inside the house while watching riots on TV,” he said.

“I can understand friend. That’s why we need to bring back England’s past glory. We need to stop these riots.” I am a determined guy when I am on a mission.

Satbir went on; “Had it not been for my uncle’s gift of a 54 inch Plasma TV, a pair of Reebok shoes and a toaster as gift I would have really been devastated this birthday.”

“Wow! Your uncle must be rich?” I am always appreciative of people who leave their country and end up becoming rich in their adopted country.

“No, he isn’t rich. He lives on benefits but he really works hard and he said he saved on his benefits for the last three years to gift me the Plasma TV.”

I didn’t have the heart to break Satbir’s bubble, so didn’t tell him that his uncle was a London looter.

Not wanting to waste any time, I asked Satbir for the address of the nearest police station. I wanted to offer them my services to help stop the riots. Satbir accompanied me.

I told the Policeman at the station: “Sir, I have come from India to help you stop the riots. We have riots almost everyday so I bring with me a lot of experience.”

“That’s great, Mr….”

“Please call me Jammy.”

“Mr Jammy…that’s nice of you to volunteer. Why don’t you choose a Police uniform that fits you from the cupboard over there and join us. We are short on hands.”

“Short on hands? Why?”

“Well, 40% of our force is black and they didn’t want to lose the opportunity. If I were them I also wouldn’t want to be the only black man in the locality without a 50 plus inch Plasma TV and a laptop at home.”

“I can understand, Police Officer. So do I get a gun and some bullets before I face the rioters?”

“Yes. We will give you five plastic bullets which you can fire on the crowd in emergencies.” I could see that the police officer himself wasn’t too happy with the plastic bullets.

As I accepted the plastic bullets, I couldn’t help but utter: “Wow, Europe is really in recession, huh?”

To which the police officer nodded and said: “Well, this is the increased quota due to the riots in and around London. Earlier, it used to be three plastic bullets.”

I had to find out the extent to which the riots had spread, so asked the Police Officer: “John, so have the riots spread to other places? What about Ireland?”

“Well, we have had some white riots in Manchester and Birmingham. You already know about the black riots in London.”

“What about Ireland? Has it spread there?” I insisted.

“Well, there have been two cases of attempted riot on &, but the police intervened before the rioters could save pictures of Plasma TVs on their desktops. Besides these two incidents, Ireland has been calm.”

After the discussions, we headed for the streets of London. There were rioters all around. some hooded some not. Some strong, some weak. Some armed some unarmed. In short, it was a motley crowed and there was never going to be one single way of handling these rioters.

Looking at so many able-bodied men approaching me, I panicked and shot all my five plastic bullets into the crowd. None hit.

I turned towards my policeman friend John and confessed: “John, all my shots missed the mark.”

He quipped “Don’t worry. We are used to David Beckham doing that. Do what Beckham would have done – carry on as if nothing happened.”

With no bullets, I decided to leave the other policemen behind and advance into the rioting crowd. Outside an Apple store, I caught a teenager running away with a Macbook Air under his armpit.

“Rioting? Should I tell your parents that you stole from Steve Job’s Apple store?”

The teenager was really sacred. But I let him go after he volunteered to become the iWitness to Apple store thefts.

With nothing going our way, we withdrew from the riot scene.

Not all is lost in England, though. Due all the shattering of glasses during the riots, arson and looting there is at least one beneficiary – the AutoGlass company. Their sales has increased & stock prices have gone up through the sky.

Current Affairs

Funny take on how high gas prices will impact our lives

In the last few years the gas prices have been coming down. USA’s strategy of mess-with-every-fuel-rich country seems to be paying off. Actually I may be way off the mark if I blame just the United States. Iraq, Nigeria, Syria, Ukraine, South Sudan, the East and South China Seas – every conflict is driven by oil and different countries are fueling these conflicts. Naturally, their investment in guns, bombs, mines etc have to be taken out sooner than later. So, don’t be fooled into complacency for the gas prices are going North soon. Your dream of a perfect is still far away.

I have a few thoughts on why we are where we are today, and how we can laugh it over. Let us start with a joke I read sometime back.

A horse and a chicken were playing in a farm. Suddenly, the horse falls into the quicksand and starts sinking. He quickly shouts out to the chicken to go and get the farmer so that he could help in pulling out the horse. The chicken goes out …tries her best but is not able to find the farmer. Desperate to help her friend, she drives back in the farmer’s Mercedes Benz C Class bought on Mercedes Star Lease Plan. The chicken then ties a rope to the car’s bumper and throws the rope for the horse to latch on to. She then drives the car fast out…and the horse gets out on land, safe.

Being animals, the horse and the chicken don’t learn their lesson and continue to play in the same area. A few days later the chicken falls into the quicksand. Faced with the prospect of dying, the chicken requests the horse to run to the farmer and fetch him for help. But the horse refuses. He says, “I think I can stand by the edge of the quicksand and pull you over. So he stretches over the edge and says, “Grab my ‘thingy’ and pull yourself up.”

And the chicken does precisely that and gets pulled to safety.

Here is the moral of the story: “If you are hung like a horse, you don’t need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.”

We all know that 99% of the men in the World aren’t as well hung as we would have wanted. Which helps us conclude that we all need cars to pick up chicks. Extrapolating further, one can safely assume that it is the men who will be most affected by high fuel prices.

Fuel price hike: The Current State of Affairs

I don’t need to tell you the current scene with fuel price hikes. There are jokes all over Facebook and Whatsapp that the fuel price hikes is Vijay Mallya’s conspiracy to make beer look cheaper at Rs 65 per bottle before he gets arrested.

While on the subject of Vijay Mallya of the Kingfisher fame, I have to tell you about the real life incident which happened at Hyderabad Airport and which I heard from a pilot friend. This was before cash-strapped Kingfisher Airlines closed down. This friend of mine had to take off with a full plane but a half-full fuel tank. Midway through he realized that he couldn’t land at the Hyderabad Airport with the fuel he had so he radioed the Control Tower at the Hyderabad Airport. He blurted out into the radio: “Quick! Urgent! Emergency! Call me a mid-air refueling plane immediately!”

The Tower replied: “You are a mid-air refueling plane,” and cut the conversation.

However grave the problem, I don’t think Vijay Mallya is worried about getting arrested. As is, he has not let the Kingfisher Annual Swimsuit Calendar die down. And why should he, as long as he can manage the shoot on a shoe-string budget. In fact, if you check out the latest Kingfisher Swimsuit calendar the models are wearing only their shoe strings.

Anyway, coming back to gas – it isn’t just about the airplanes. Even folks who have fuel guzzlers on the land are affected. So much so, that Harbhajan Singh who owns a Hummer has found a new expansion for the abbreviation HUMMER: Hungry Ugly Monster, Mostly Eats Rupees.

To be honest, I am really worried about the current state of affairs. I mean, imagine having to exchange arms and legs for a tankful of petrol.

“Sir, that would cost you an arm,” the fuel pump attendant would say.

“Here, keep my right hand as well. I had already given my left hand when I did a tank full last year.”

“Thanks sir. Would you prefer the Premium petrol? That’s available for a leg…and if I were you, I would go for the Premium Petrol. At least you will be able to drive your car with one hand.”

“OK fine. Give me a tankful of premium petrol please.”

“Sir, be happy that you are driving a small car. You see that Harbhajan driving away in his Hummer?”

“Yes…was that him?”

“Yes sir. He just got a tankful and in exchange just offered his first born male child.”

Crazy, isn’t it?

This is why I am not surprised when I hear of stories where people try to cheat the system. In Mathura if you give your credit card to the fuel pump attendant after doing a tank full, he will ask you for your car key as well.

“Sir, can I also have the car keys?” He told me.

“Why?” I asked.

“Sir, we have had incidents when people have done a tank full, given expired or stolen or no-cash-left credit cards and made a dash for the highway,” the fuel pump attendant was apologetic.

“Ok, here you go. I would still suggest you have an eye on the car. Because for a tankful of petrol I wouldn’t mind handing over stolen car keys.”

While waiting for the attendant to come back and give my credit card, I struck a conversation with my five-year-old daughter.

“Rhea, did you know that when we were your age we used to walk five kilometers to our school – every day.”

She immediately looked up from the Barbie doll on her lap and asked: “So, your parents couldn’t afford gas, either?”

And then she turned towards her mother (that’s my wife) and asked, “Amma, why don’t the cars go a long distance with little petrol?”

“Because cars are not horses, Rhea.”

That’s when it struck me, cars with amazing fuel efficiencies should do the trick. We are talking about mileages such as 100,000 kilometers in 1 liter of petrol. But how do we achieve that?

All this Multi Point Fuel Injection (MPFI) shit is hogwash. We need to start building cars which will have three-monthly appraisals to check on performance (defined as fuel efficiency). And we need to build cars which can be shot at and killed if they didn’t perform as per expectation. Are we really naïve enough to think King Maharana Pratap’s horse Chetak went all the distance because he was dedicated to his master? No! He had seen what happens to horses that don’t last
the distance.

Fuel price hike: The Future Scenario

At the rate at which we are going, burglars, bandits, robbers will soon start carjacking the vehicles which fill the ATM machines with money and surprise all of us by returning the cash but siphoning off the petrol.

Or maybe, New Zealand will become the next Dubai – the tax free, shopping destination. With no petrol, all lawn mowers will be replaced by sheep. And who has the highest number of sheep in the World? New Zealand, of course. And if all goes well for New Zealand in 25 years or so we will start complaining that the cost of sheep have started going up. Imagine, elections will be fought on the price of sheep.

The property prices near Police stations will increase many-fold. Rich and smart people will start moving near the Police stations. In the mornings they will reach their offices in their cars, but park their vehicles in no-parking zones. Once the Police tow them to the Police stations near their houses….the car owners will reach the Police stations, pay the wrong-parking fine and retrieve the vehicles. Thus, the return trips will cost them next to nothing.

The way we propose to girls today will change. Eager boyfriends will buy barrels of gas before proposing to their girlfriends. They will point at the barrel and pop the question: “Rekha, will you marry me?”

The girl will look at the barrel of gas and shriek. And say: “Yes! Yes! Yes! I will marry you.”

Car or no car we are poised for an exciting ride.

Current Affairs

Best 25 Arvind Kejriwal Jokes on Twitter, Facebook

Arvind Kejriwal has become the butt end of all jokes in recent times. Why not…in his enthusiasm, he has been creating a lot of opportunities for jokes. So here goes a list of jokes on the man who is currently ruling Delhi.

Joke 1: Arvind Kejriwal is so honest that he actually tests the level of salt in Colgate Active Salt tooth paste

Joke 2: Arvind Kejriwal is so honest that he never skips Youtube ads

Joke 3: Arvind Kejriwal is so honest that he always removes USB safely

Joke 4: Arvind Kejriwal is so honest that when he finds the bomb he returns it to the terrorist

Joke 5: Arvind Kejriwal is so honest that he got his wife’s brother arrested for stealing his shoes during his marriage ceremony

Joke 6: Arvind Kejriwal is so honest that he cooks maggie only for 2 minutes

Joke 7: Arvind Kejriwal is so honest that he actually “rolls on the floor laughing” when he texts ROFL

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Joke 8: Arvind Kejriwal is so honest that he finds an “honest” justification to turn back on every promise he ever made

Joke 9: Arvind Kejriwal is so honest that when his wife once asked him if he could get moon for her, he called up ISRO to launch Chandrayaan-1

Joke 10: Arvind Kejriwal is so honest that he hates the song ‘love the way you lie’

Joke 11: Arvind Kejriwal is so honest that once he filed a case against a Halwai because there were neither Gulabs nor Jaamuns in GulabJamun.

Joke 12: Arvind Kejriwal is so honest that whenever he downloads a movie online, he buys a ticket to see it

Joke 13: Arvind Kejriwal is so honest that no woman has ever asked him “Do I look fat in this?”

Joke 14: Arvind Kejriwal is so honest that he seeks his wife permission to keep extra marital affairs.

Joke 15: Arvind Kejriwal is so honest that he gives you a business card that says “nobody”

Joke 16: Arvind Kejriwal is so honest that he likes Shakira’s Hips because “They Don’t Lie”.

Joke 17: Arvind Kejriwal is so honest that he surrenders himself to Police after killing a mosquito.

Joke 18: Arvind Kejriwal is so honest He refused to watch Bodyguard because he does not want security.

Joke 19: Arvind Kejriwal is so honest that he is the only one to buy a Winrar licence.

Joke 20: Arvind Kejriwal is so honest that when he throws a party he calls the cops himself after 10 pm

Joke 21: Arvind Kejriwal is so honest that he told his kids “How I met your mother” in less than a minute

Joke 22: Arvind Kejriwal is so honest that he got his memory card arrested when it got corrupted

Joke 23: Arvind Kejriwal is so honest that when he was a kid, he clicked on “I am below 18 years” on porn websites.

Joke 24: Arvind Kejriwal is so honest that if u find meaning of Honesty on Google it will say “Did u mean Kejriwal”

Joke 25: Arvind Kejriwal is so honest that if he skip red-light by mistake, he take a U-turn to stop before Red light

Current Affairs

Funny reactions to India’s loss to Sri Lanka in Champions Trophy

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After a convincing win over Pakistan only a few days back, last night India lost to Sri Lanka in their second Champions Trophy match. Even a score of 321 runs in 50 overs wasn’t enough to contain Sri Lanka who romped home with seven wickets to spare in the 49th over. Twitter has gone crazy over India’s loss. Check out the funny reactions to India’s loss to Sri Lanka in Champions Trophy.

Check out India vs Sri Lanka scorecard

As has become second nature with social media, poor Modi ji got pulled in here too.

Early indications suggest that Sri Lanka’s victory over India had more Pakistanis celebrating than Sri Lankans.

In fact, just too much of celebration in Pakistan.

India had left out spinner R Ashwin, who could have been effective against the stars of the night Kusal Mendis and Danushka Gunathilaka, both of whom are left-handers. Fans didn’t know why Kholi had made the blunder of not including Ashwin in playing XI. Thanks to this tweet, now we know.

Despite Kholi’s early loss, India still managed to score 321 runs, which is proof of a great batting line up. As for bowling, well….

Apparently, Obama and his team provided two minutes’ silence for India’s loss. Either that or they are listening to former FBI Director James Comey’s crusade against US President Donald Trump on the radio.

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And finally, what Sri Lanka thought of India’s over confidence.

As for the post-match analysis, there was the standard answer agreed on between the King of Indian cricket and the Prince.

Liked this funny complication? Share now!

Current Affairs

Funny tweets on World Environment Day you must not miss

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Donald Trump was reckless and dangerous when he decided to pull USA out of the Paris Climate deal. The fact that USA pollutes the most compounds the issue further. After Trump’s coitus interruptus (a birth control measure, not a climate control measure) USA got clubbed alongside war-torn Syria and Nicaragua as being the only three countries not to be part of the Paris climate deal. Both Syria and Nicaragua have their reasons for not being part of the climate deal while USA has Donald Trump. Here are some funny tweets on World Environment Day you must not miss.

It is World Environment day and the President who should have been contributing the most is playing. With his mother.

If you think Trump treating Earth as his play toy is bad, check out how else he treats it.

Or this one where one man’s ignorance and arrogance may take the whole world down.

The good thing is, the World is not taking it lying down. European leaders are stepping in and taking the lead. Voices of “let us make the planet great again” are being heard from everywhere.

Some folks are also getting personal. Poor Trump ends up dragging his wives also into the play.

Talking of the USA first lady, I think she can get USA in the Paris climate pact. All she has to do is put Donald Trump on a sexual diet like how the women of Bergama, Turkey had done when a Gold mining company came to town. Read more about the Resistance of Bergama.

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While we leave Melania Trump to figure out ways to bring Donald Trump around, let us get to Obama, ex-President of USA. This World Environment day, folks haven’t been kind to him either.

Why Obama, in fact, all the politicians are to be blamed for the pits we are in.

Why can’t all countries be like Sweden? Did you know that Sweden recycles so well that it has run out of garbage for its energy programs and now imports garbage from Norway.

Even trees recognize their own children (their baby trees) and send them more carbon below ground. They even reduce their own roots to make room for their kids’ roots. When trees can take care of their kids, why aren’t we concerned about ours?

Current Affairs

Funny reaction to Trump’s word covfefe is incovfeferable

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In the last 24 hours, the word “Covfefe” has taken the World by storm. President of the United States Donald Trump gifted this word to the world in his late-night tweet “Despite the constant negative press covfefe” and went to sleep. People started making jokes, funny memes and guessing what it could have meant. We feel this funny reaction to Trump’s word covfefe is incovfeferable.

When he got up in the morning, “covfefe” had already flown the nest. After seeing the commotion he had created, Donald Trump deleted the tweet and replaced it with “Who can figure out the true meaning of covfefe??? Enjoy!”

While the rest of the World is joking around the world Covfefe, the Donald Trump fans are still saying ‘Hey, he didn’t say it!”

Human Being: “No sir, I saw his tweet. He did use the word covfefe!”

Trump Fan: If he used the word…I am sure he didn’t mean it.

Human Being: If he has tweeted it he must have meant it.

Trump Fan: Do you know the meaning of covfefe?

Human Being: I have no idea what covfefe means.

Trump Fan: And yet are making such a big issue out of the word covfefe?

Human Being: I know covfefe was a Presidential typo.

Trump Fan: Others have tweeted worse typos, you know?

When you are the President of USA, the world doesn’t even allow you a typo – we hate this incovfeferable attitude of the world. In fact, even Hillary Clinton had a jibe at Donald Trump. She said, “I thought it was a hidden message to the Russians.”

Thanks to all the scare Donald Trump got when he got up, we will never know how covfefe is pronounced. What will it be – Kuv-feef or Kov-fay-fay or Kov-fi-fi?

Funny reactions to Trump’s word Covfefe are incovfeferable

Some took a dig at his love for Russian Premier Putin and said it was Trump’s way of resigning with flair and that Covfefe meant ‘I resign’ in Russian.

Usually, it is Jimmy Kimmel who wipes the smile off Donald Trump’s face but this time Mr Trump seems have stolen a march over his late-night show rival. Kimmel feels he will never be able to come up anything funnier than covfefe.

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If you love the sitcom ‘Friends’, you will love this funny take below. Just that to use television series ‘Friends’ to make fun of someone who has no friends…that’s just incovfeferable.

Adolf Hilter may have written a book, and Trump just a word but this is enough to draw comparisons between the two. ‘Mein covfefe’ does sound like a nice covfefe table book. Oops…coffee table book.

Some say Donald Trump was just promoting wife Melania Trump’s latest perfume called covfefe. Either that or Trump’s English stinks.

Now that we all know how popular covefefe is, let us find out how to make it so that the happiness and smiles can spread far and wide.

Current Affairs

What is Organic food? It is the same food only a lot costlier

Ten years back, I would stay away from shops that had a glass door and were air conditioned  – they always tend to be costlier than the other shops. In recent years, thanks primarily to a booming economy and subsequent increase in my salary (psst…don’t tell my wife) I don’t hesitate outside such shops anymore.

If you ask me, what these air-conditioned shops were ten years back, the organic food is today. It is so freaking costly.

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Every time I go for grocery shopping, I see counters labeled ‘Organic Foods’ and high-heeled non-moms, moms, and grand-moms loitering around the counter.

Thats when I asked my wife, “Rekha, what is organic food?”

“Organic food?”

“Yes, I see these organic food counters everywhere now.” I persisted.

“Ah…organic food. Thats just regular food but costlier.”

My mother who was standing nearby got curious. Just in case you thought ours is a family that is kind to each other, let me not disappoint you, you are right. My wife and my mother have a very healthy relationship – a relationship that ensures the fittest survives.

Usually my mother doesn’t question my wife’s strategy but when they are important decisions such as ‘is coconut chutney with idlies better than sambhar with idlies?’ ‘does adding garlic in fish curry make it tasty?’ etc my mother jumps in uninvited.

In this case also she did. She asked: “If it is normal food, why is it costlier?”

Not to be seen as the one that doesn’t know her vegetables, my wife responded confidently: “Aunty, these are vegetables which didn’t have poisonous fertilizers and pesticides sprayed on them. Such stuff can kill people you know?”

Then as an afterthought my wife added, “Not that fertilizers and pesticides are the only way to kill people.”

I waited holding my breath. I had to keep this discussion down. Didn’t want one of them to be hiring a hit-man for the other. Thankfully better sense prevailed and they moved on to other topics.

But for a change I realized that my wife was right. Organic food is regular food but costlier. In fact, organic food is so costly that if yours is a household where a single parent earns, you are doomed.

Just in case you don’t know, organic food is the food your grandparents once ate – everyday, without paying extra. This was when they were calling the shots (and not relegated to a corner of the house by their kids) and you were either a molecule somewhere, a sperm in somebody’s testicles or a kid in your mother’s arms.

Organic food for which we pay so much wasn’t always this costly. In fact, the Apple Eve ate and triggered the fashion industry was organic and was free. The poisoned apple the witch gave Snow White in the fairy tale ‘Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs’ was also organic and free. Why then do we have to pay now for organic stuff?

Till about twenty years organic food was available in every store. There were no seperate counters. Our grand parents didn’t have to go to a fancy shop named “Farmacy” to buy Organic Food.

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There are a few things we can do to make sure we all don’t end up paying more for Organic food. Let us start with sharing this post on ours Facebook & Twitter and educate all farmers that we should ONLY be growing food without fertilizers and pesticides. Ohh wait, there is a problem. The farmers on Facebook aren’t real farmers….they are just Farmville players.

Current Affairs

Ashley Madison is the bitch nobody ever had

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“Did you have an account at Ashley Madison?” My wife thundered.

“Yes….and no,” was my meek reply.

“Yes? Or No? Can you be a little specific?”

“Rekha, it doesn’t matter. You know that I love you.”

“That you better do. But, after I found your name on the Ashley Madison customer’s list, I am not so sure.”

“Rekha, I do. Promise.”

At this point, I wanted to come out like a real man and tell my wife that 37 million married men who had an account on Ashley Madison, so they could cheat on their wives couldn’t be wrong. There must have been a reason for so many men wanting to cheat. Shouldn’t the wives introspect just that little bit? Just peak into their hearts and see when they last allowed their husbands in.

“So, did you find any woman there?” My wife punctured my thought bubble.

“Hmm…didn’t you read?” I asked surprised.

“Read what?”

“They had one registered woman for every seven men registered. So very few men got connected.”

“That’s a bad ratio – if you were fairer and taller, you may have beaten those odds on Gurgaon roads.”

At this point, I wanted to ask my wife if I was “so short and so dark”, how did she end up marrying me. I stopped short because that would have rekindled old wounds. The next moment, I wanted to be honest with my wife and tell her that if it weren’t for her I wouldn’t have registered at Ashely Madison. All that I had ever wanted was that soft kiss on the cheeks (not the cheek you are thinking!), that affectionate tap on the head (again not the head you are thinking!) and that ride into the sunset (damn…not the ride you are thinking!). I just didn’t have the courage.

My wife broke my silence again. “So, every seventh man on Ashley Madison got laid?”

“No way. For every 2500 men sending messages, only one woman messaged back.”

“Seriously?” My wife was shocked. “Why?” She insisted on an answer.

“I really don’t know, Rekha.”

“So, how much did you waste on the bitch you never had?”

“I didn’t actually pay. I only registered because I wanted to see how it worked.”

“That’s like my boy.” My wife sounded very patronising.

I waited for the next reaction from her, but looked like the domestic Ashley Madison storm was over. I stared at my wife as she messaged her friends on Whatsapp that I was clean and goaded them to investigate their husbands.

She seemed happy. I wanted to tell my wife that she and her friends shouldn’t have bothered questioning because wanting to cheat in marriage was as old as the institution of marriage itself. Many before me have tried to cheat, many after me will try to cheat. Those who didn’t register on Ashley Madison were perhaps trying Tinder or Happn or OKCupid or Bumble.

I also wanted to tell my wife that all the women need to rethink their priorities in life. If at all anything, this Ashley Madison hack has shown us one thing – that women don’t seem to like extra-marital affairs. Even if someone promises to keep them a secret. Well, at least till they get hacked.

Note: If you know a man (a friend, relative, colleague) who once thought his life was short and he deserved an affair, please forgive him. Chances are, like me, he just sought some discreet pleasure while staying emotionally loyal to one partner. In short, he is just a sheep which wandered for a bit and got fleeced for nothing.

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