Men and Women

Character certificates from Facebook are soon going to be reality

Two days back my wife called me when I was in office. I said, “Rekha, I am in a meeting. Can I call you back?”


And after ten minutes she called me again. I cut the call and messaged her that I couldn’t talk since I was still in the meeting. She just replied an “OK”

After half an hour, she called again. This time I was angry and said, “Rekha, I am still in the same meeting. Don’t you understand, I am at work.”

My wife replied, “If you are in a meeting why are you commenting on your ex-girlfriend’s status updates?”

Damn! These Facebook news feeds. I muttered under my breath but only let out a “hmm….”

“You have time for her, but not for me?”

“Hmm…oh that? I was in a meeting…a boring one. So was just fiddling around with Facebook while the meeting was on.”

I waited long for a response. After a while she replied, “If the meeting was boring and useless, why not come out and talk to me?”

I tried to explain to Rekha that coming out of the meeting wasn’t a possibility but if she could come online I would be able to converse with her even if I was in a meeting. And for the sake of our four and a half year daughter Rhea, we agreed to disagree that this was the correct approach.

One thing is for sure, this Facebook is going to ruin my married life. But I am not worried much about that. I am more worried about all those boys-wanting-to-be-men who will be winding up their love affairs with a ‘it is not about you, it is about me’ comment and then start identifying the girl they want to marry and live a life with.

I can almost foresee detective companies which would specialize in Facebook investigations – companies with tag lines such as ‘Finding the Real Him via Facebook’ or ‘Saving girls from assholes, one asshole at a time’. Shop signs like these aren’t far away as well.

I can foresee the girl’s parents visiting a private detective firm titled ‘Fancy Facebook Investigators’ and having a conversation such as this:

“We are planning to have our girl married off to a boy from Delhi.”

“Sure. Let me know how we can help you.”

“The boy’s name is Prashant Saxena. And we want to find out if he is a good fit for our innocent daughter.”

“Hmm….do you know his Facebook ID?”

“Yes…our daughter has already started chatting with him. His ID is prashant.sax.”

“And his email ID?”

“His email ID is”

“Thank you. Consider your job done. We will need at least 15 days. If we find him not good for your daughter, we will not just give you the proof of his past but also generate proof in the present.”

“How much will this investigation cost us?” The cost conscious lady of the house will speak up.

“Madam, just think about it for a while. How much will you be willing to give to ensure your daughter has a good married life?”

I won’t go into how much these detective agencies will charge the hapless parents, but they would make a killing for sure.

And once the parents exit the scene, one young trainee will be put on the job. He will immediately use one of his ‘Girl’ IDs and send a friend request to Prashant.Sax. Being already deprived of friend invites from girls, poor Prashant will immediately accept it and fall into the trap.

It would be great to find out what percent of the total friend invites sent out in Facebook every day are sent out by girls. I wouldn’t be surprised if it is only 1-2%. I am sure 98% of the requests are sent out by men. If there is a girl out there, the men will find her out and send her the request.

The young trainee will then go through Prashant Saxena’s life history on Facebook and find out that he has changed his relationship status with different girls at least 3 times in the last four years. Based on the status updates and comments, the young trainee will also form a report on the kind of relationships Prashant Saxena has had with these three girls.

With the report in hand, he will go to his reporting manager to discuss the future action plan.

“Sir, Prashant Saxena has had three girl friends in the last four years. And they were all very intense relationships. Here is the report.”

The trainee’s reporting manager will go throogh the report and finally look up and say, “This is proof of the past. We also need to prove that he hasn’t changed. Start chatting with him and get some proof of his intentions.”

“Will do sir. Just so you are aware I will be using either Priya Dixit’s or Neha Gupta’s profile for this assignment.”

“Sure. As you wish. You my man! Or should I say girl?”

After the go-ahead from his reporting manager the trainee will get onto the task of exposing Prashant’s present intentions.

This is how his initial chat conversations with Prashant start:

Priya Dixit: Hi Prashant

Prashant Saxena: Hi Priya, sorry but do I know you?

Priya Dixit: Hmmm….does that matter?

Prashant Saxena: Obviously not. It doesn’t matter but it helps.

(In such instances, a man is forced to take this stance. How many times in a lifetime does a man get a Hi from a girl anyway?)

Priya Dixit: You don’t know me. But I know you. I studied in the same college as you.

Prashant Saxena: Is it? How come we never met?

Priya Dixit: I was scared to approach you. You were so popular.
(Who doesn’t want to hear that he/she was popular in college)

Prashant Saxena: That I was. What did you study there?

Priya Dixit: I did BA Economics.

Prashant Saxena: Wow. Where do you stay?
(For a man the territory is important. If there are little chances of meeting in person he won’t waste his time)

Priya Dixit: I stay in Noida. And I know you stay in Delhi. Your profile says so.

Prashant Saxena: Yes, I stay in Delhi. Smart girl.
(A well-trained man knows that girls like to be called smart and beautiful)

Priya Dixit: Thanks. I was home alone and was getting bored so thought I might as well gather the courage to buzz you. Hope I am not disturbing me.

Prashant Saxena: No…no…not at all. In fact, I myself am bored.
(The logs in Facebook servers are proof that a man has never been too busy for a girl)

Priya Dixit: Thanks. You are a nice person.

Prashant Saxena: Thanks. Is that your real profile pic? You look pretty.

Priya Dixit: Yes of course. Why would I use somebody else’s pic?

Prashant Saxena: No just checking.

Priya Dixit: So…what else?

Prashant Saxena: What do you mean bored?

Priya Dixit: Ever since I have broken up with my boyfriend three months back, life has become dull. No thrills.

Prashant Saxena: Ah! You have come to the right person. 😉

Priya Dixit: What???!! What do you mean?
(Real girls have to do this. After years of chatting a man starts suspecting if the girl comes easy)

Prashant Saxena: Was just saying that I know Delhi-NCR region in and out. So you have come to the right person.

Priya Dixit: Better. I thought you were meant something else…you know what I mean.
(During investigations, it is the job of the trainee to lure the man into the trap by giving enough hints)

Prashant Saxena: I know what you mean. But I generally go slow.

Priya Dixit: How slow?

Prashant Saxena: As slow as the girl wants.

The chats continue for around ten days and in these ten days Prashant Saxena starts feeling that he has known the girl for ages. And when in this comfort zone he commits the blunder.

After fifteen days, the agency sends its report to the girl’s parents.

Same day Prashant Saxena’s parents get a call from the girl’s parents that they aren’t interested in pursuing the relationship. Prashant is informed the moment he is back from office.

After dinner, a dejected Prashant logs on to Facebook and finds that Priya Dixit has removed him from her friend list. But wait…now Priya Dixit is friends with his future brother-in-law Keshav Bajaj. Keshav is being explored for his sister Deepika Saxena and only the previous day, Prashant’s parents had been to Fancy Facebook Investigator’s office.

Current Affairs

Ashley Madison is the bitch nobody ever had

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“Did you have an account at Ashley Madison?” My wife thundered.

“Yes….and no,” was my meek reply.

“Yes? Or No? Can you be a little specific?”

“Rekha, it doesn’t matter. You know that I love you.”

“That you better do. But, after I found your name on the Ashley Madison customer’s list, I am not so sure.”

“Rekha, I do. Promise.”

At this point, I wanted to come out like a real man and tell my wife that 37 million married men who had an account on Ashley Madison, so they could cheat on their wives couldn’t be wrong. There must have been a reason for so many men wanting to cheat. Shouldn’t the wives introspect just that little bit? Just peak into their hearts and see when they last allowed their husbands in.

“So, did you find any woman there?” My wife punctured my thought bubble.

“Hmm…didn’t you read?” I asked surprised.

“Read what?”

“They had one registered woman for every seven men registered. So very few men got connected.”

“That’s a bad ratio – if you were fairer and taller, you may have beaten those odds on Gurgaon roads.”

At this point, I wanted to ask my wife if I was “so short and so dark”, how did she end up marrying me. I stopped short because that would have rekindled old wounds. The next moment, I wanted to be honest with my wife and tell her that if it weren’t for her I wouldn’t have registered at Ashely Madison. All that I had ever wanted was that soft kiss on the cheeks (not the cheek you are thinking!), that affectionate tap on the head (again not the head you are thinking!) and that ride into the sunset (damn…not the ride you are thinking!). I just didn’t have the courage.

My wife broke my silence again. “So, every seventh man on Ashley Madison got laid?”

“No way. For every 2500 men sending messages, only one woman messaged back.”

“Seriously?” My wife was shocked. “Why?” She insisted on an answer.

“I really don’t know, Rekha.”

“So, how much did you waste on the bitch you never had?”

“I didn’t actually pay. I only registered because I wanted to see how it worked.”

“That’s like my boy.” My wife sounded very patronising.

I waited for the next reaction from her, but looked like the domestic Ashley Madison storm was over. I stared at my wife as she messaged her friends on Whatsapp that I was clean and goaded them to investigate their husbands.

She seemed happy. I wanted to tell my wife that she and her friends shouldn’t have bothered questioning because wanting to cheat in marriage was as old as the institution of marriage itself. Many before me have tried to cheat, many after me will try to cheat. Those who didn’t register on Ashley Madison were perhaps trying Tinder or Happn or OKCupid or Bumble.

I also wanted to tell my wife that all the women need to rethink their priorities in life. If at all anything, this Ashley Madison hack has shown us one thing – that women don’t seem to like extra-marital affairs. Even if someone promises to keep them a secret. Well, at least till they get hacked.

Note: If you know a man (a friend, relative, colleague) who once thought his life was short and he deserved an affair, please forgive him. Chances are, like me, he just sought some discreet pleasure while staying emotionally loyal to one partner. In short, he is just a sheep which wandered for a bit and got fleeced for nothing.

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Current Affairs

Weird ideas for software engineers who develop smartphone apps

There was a time when an application meant a form one filled and submitted in a bank, post office or any other office just few hours before the deadline.

Gone are the good old days when an application meant a means of siphoning off money from one’s parents legally. “Mom, I have to submit an application for All India Pre-Medical Pre-Dental exam tomorrow. The application costs Rs 500.”

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She would give the money and follow it up with an extra Rs 50, for you to have lunch in case you got late standing in the line to submit the application form. Not anymore.

“Have you tried that app yet?” I was asked.

“App? Whats that?”

“So, you don’t know apps? What phone do you use?”

“I use an Android phone.”

“Jammy, you use an Android phone and haven’t tried a single app? That’s criminal. What would the father of smartphones – Steve Jobs – say if he knew?

I didn’t want to break his heart by pointing out to the Apple fanboys who didn’t even have Internet on their iPhones.

“What is an app? And who is Steve Jobs?” I continued the charade.

“Well, an app is an application. I can’t explain. Try it yourself.” He said and left in a huff.

That’s when I went about trying Smartphone apps (or applications, however you call them). There are some really weird apps out there.

Here are a some apps I didn’t find in the play store. If I were a app engineer I would definitely code these Android apps.

Piss Me App

This app will be targeted at youth who want to play pranks on their friends. Once downloaded, the smartphone user will have to carefully pee into the small socket in the phone where we insert the charger and save up enough piss inside. Once the target (read friend) is near, the smartphone user has to open the app, and just press a button called ‘Eject’. The moment this is done, the piss stored in the phone will sprinkle out of the socket meant to insert the headphones. Care should be taken to NOT point the socket for headphones at yourself while pressing the “Eject” button. This app also acts as a emergency toilet. When one can’t find a nice, clean toilet (women have this problem a lot) one can open the app, pee into the phone and store it till you reach a nice, clean toilet. Once inside, you can eject it into the toilet bowl. Bingo!

Am I married app?

This is an app that men who are confused whether they are married or not will use. Once installed, this app will run in the background – be it an iPhone, Android phone or any other platform. This app works acts as an active listener and whenever it catches high-pitched voice at high decibels nearby, the siren goes off. While the siren blares its heart out the phone’s screen flashes ‘Careful, you are married!” If the app spots high-pitched voice in soft decibels nearby, it the message reads “I don’t like the sound of this woman. Don’t marry her.” And if it spots heavy breathing by a woman nearby, it displays this message: “Oops! You had sex with her? Bad Dog!”

Showoff Travel App

Once you download and install this app, you will have to connect your Facebook, Twitter and any other Social networking accounts. Based on the travels of your friends in your social network, this app will automatically respond with your own travel itinerary. Don’t worry you don’t actually have to travel, this app will do everything for you. You may be in your office working the shit off your face but this app will automatically update “Just booked my flight tickets for Pattaya.” After a few days it will follow up with “Pattaya, I am coming”. On Friday in the evening, it would send an update: “Just landed in Pattaya.” And over the weekend it will upload photos in your Facebook & Twitter profiles – photos that will look natural and would have been picked up from Google’s image search for Pattaya. Since you won’t be in the pictures this app will also leave a description saying ‘Damn! People in Pattaya don’t like taking pictures for others”.

Vacuum Cleaner App

How many times have you looked at your laptop or desktop and wondered “If only I had a small vacuum cleaner, I would suck all the dirt out of the keyboard”? Well, your wait is almost over for this app does exactly that. Once installed on your handset, all you have to do is open the app and tap a button called ‘Start’ after which the phone starts sucking in the dirt. Remember to point the charging socket towards the dirt for you don’t want your nose hair to get sucked din. The app goes one level further and has introduced the “Wife Mode” which when switched on says all things that a wife says while vacuuming. Stuff like: “Can you stop watching TV and help me reach this cobweb?” or “Here, move this sofa around…will you?” or “if only I had married that guy my mother had found, I am sure he would have helped me during vacuuming.

The Aladdin App

For long, financial experts have been saying that the World Economy has been heading for recession, but nobody believed them. Until, one of the recent surveys suggested that the World Economy is so bad that women have started marrying for love, again. This Aladdin app taps just this need of the women to marry for money. This app helps you pretend to be rich. Very rich. Once installed, this app acts like your genie. It wouldn’t do anything but talk. It would talk in such a way that the girl you are with thinks that like Aladdin, you also have within your control a genie who can give you money, palaces, food, clothes, lipsticks, shoes etc. All you have to do is activate it before walking towards the girl and the app does the rest. If you tell the girl: “Hey, come lets visit a restaurant” the app will butt in and say “My Master, why do you have to go to the restaurant? If you want I will get it here.” That’s when like that true boy who wants to live off his own earnings you will look into your phone and whisper: “No genie, I want to buy my girl lunch from my own earning.”

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This whisper needs to be low enough to sound genuine and loud enough for the girlfriend to hear. After saying this to your genie (or app), remember to cover your mobile with your hands, and then whisper to your girlfriend: “Don’t tell anybody, but I have a genie trapped inside my mobile.”

Do you have any app ideas? If yes, do drop in a comment.