There was a time when an application meant a form one filled and submitted in a bank, post office or any other office just few hours before the deadline.
Gone are the good old days when an application meant a means of siphoning off money from one’s parents legally. “Mom, I have to submit an application for All India Pre-Medical Pre-Dental exam tomorrow. The application costs Rs 500.”
She would give the money and follow it up with an extra Rs 50, for you to have lunch in case you got late standing in the line to submit the application form. Not anymore.
“Have you tried that app yet?” I was asked.
“App? Whats that?”
“So, you don’t know apps? What phone do you use?”
“I use an Android phone.”
“Jammy, you use an Android phone and haven’t tried a single app? That’s criminal. What would the father of smartphones – Steve Jobs – say if he knew?
I didn’t want to break his heart by pointing out to the Apple fanboys who didn’t even have Internet on their iPhones.
“What is an app? And who is Steve Jobs?” I continued the charade.
“Well, an app is an application. I can’t explain. Try it yourself.” He said and left in a huff.
That’s when I went about trying Smartphone apps (or applications, however you call them). There are some really weird apps out there.
Here are a some apps I didn’t find in the play store. If I were a app engineer I would definitely code these Android apps.
Piss Me App
This app will be targeted at youth who want to play pranks on their friends. Once downloaded, the smartphone user will have to carefully pee into the small socket in the phone where we insert the charger and save up enough piss inside. Once the target (read friend) is near, the smartphone user has to open the app, and just press a button called ‘Eject’. The moment this is done, the piss stored in the phone will sprinkle out of the socket meant to insert the headphones. Care should be taken to NOT point the socket for headphones at yourself while pressing the “Eject” button. This app also acts as a emergency toilet. When one can’t find a nice, clean toilet (women have this problem a lot) one can open the app, pee into the phone and store it till you reach a nice, clean toilet. Once inside, you can eject it into the toilet bowl. Bingo!
Am I married app?
This is an app that men who are confused whether they are married or not will use. Once installed, this app will run in the background – be it an iPhone, Android phone or any other platform. This app works acts as an active listener and whenever it catches high-pitched voice at high decibels nearby, the siren goes off. While the siren blares its heart out the phone’s screen flashes ‘Careful, you are married!” If the app spots high-pitched voice in soft decibels nearby, it the message reads “I don’t like the sound of this woman. Don’t marry her.” And if it spots heavy breathing by a woman nearby, it displays this message: “Oops! You had sex with her? Bad Dog!”
Showoff Travel App
Once you download and install this app, you will have to connect your Facebook, Twitter and any other Social networking accounts. Based on the travels of your friends in your social network, this app will automatically respond with your own travel itinerary. Don’t worry you don’t actually have to travel, this app will do everything for you. You may be in your office working the shit off your face but this app will automatically update “Just booked my flight tickets for Pattaya.” After a few days it will follow up with “Pattaya, I am coming”. On Friday in the evening, it would send an update: “Just landed in Pattaya.” And over the weekend it will upload photos in your Facebook & Twitter profiles – photos that will look natural and would have been picked up from Google’s image search for Pattaya. Since you won’t be in the pictures this app will also leave a description saying ‘Damn! People in Pattaya don’t like taking pictures for others”.
Vacuum Cleaner App
How many times have you looked at your laptop or desktop and wondered “If only I had a small vacuum cleaner, I would suck all the dirt out of the keyboard”? Well, your wait is almost over for this app does exactly that. Once installed on your handset, all you have to do is open the app and tap a button called ‘Start’ after which the phone starts sucking in the dirt. Remember to point the charging socket towards the dirt for you don’t want your nose hair to get sucked din. The app goes one level further and has introduced the “Wife Mode” which when switched on says all things that a wife says while vacuuming. Stuff like: “Can you stop watching TV and help me reach this cobweb?” or “Here, move this sofa around…will you?” or “if only I had married that guy my mother had found, I am sure he would have helped me during vacuuming.
The Aladdin App
For long, financial experts have been saying that the World Economy has been heading for recession, but nobody believed them. Until, one of the recent surveys suggested that the World Economy is so bad that women have started marrying for love, again. This Aladdin app taps just this need of the women to marry for money. This app helps you pretend to be rich. Very rich. Once installed, this app acts like your genie. It wouldn’t do anything but talk. It would talk in such a way that the girl you are with thinks that like Aladdin, you also have within your control a genie who can give you money, palaces, food, clothes, lipsticks, shoes etc. All you have to do is activate it before walking towards the girl and the app does the rest. If you tell the girl: “Hey, come lets visit a restaurant” the app will butt in and say “My Master, why do you have to go to the restaurant? If you want I will get it here.” That’s when like that true boy who wants to live off his own earnings you will look into your phone and whisper: “No genie, I want to buy my girl lunch from my own earning.”
This whisper needs to be low enough to sound genuine and loud enough for the girlfriend to hear. After saying this to your genie (or app), remember to cover your mobile with your hands, and then whisper to your girlfriend: “Don’t tell anybody, but I have a genie trapped inside my mobile.”
Do you have any app ideas? If yes, do drop in a comment.