Funny farewell speech for colleagues while leaving office

Here is the farewell speech I delivered at my office in Sify at 5.15 p.m on 27th of December 2004.

This speech was delivered in front of all my office colleagues when I had decided to move on from what had been my daily job for four years – taking care of Sify’s Sports portal.

I probably did not speak out the whole speech that follows because I was sad that I was leaving and I am never good with goodbyes. Also, my colleagues knew I was funny…so the high expectations also tied me down.

Some of the jokes in this humorous farewell speech are occupational (i.e., only people working with me will understand) so ignore it and move on.

The Funny farewell speech for colleagues

Hi all,

I am quite disappointed that that I am leaving Sify and there are no demonstrations. No self-immolations. Nothing. To top it, none of my colleagues who spoke about me choked with emotion.

Before I start, let me warn you, I am quite an emotional guy…and there have been numerous times when I have choked with affection for Vinesh Nair and Anand Nair (actually I hate having arguments with them coz most often I don`t win). So, if I choke today just ignore. Probably, I swallowed the chewing gum.

I will really miss this place. You probably think how can somebody miss Tidel Park…it is such a big building and can be seen by the naked eye. But I am honest. I promise.

I love this place. No, it has got nothing to do with my colleague Rekha who is now my wife….that was just office work that tragically snowballed into marriage. This is perhaps, the biggest reason why I cannot forget Sify. On second thoughts…it is she who will not let me forget.

This is one place, where I could multi-task. I could chat, be on the phone and at the same time check those really funny forwarded mails. And of course work.

As for work, it would happen on the sly. My bosses here Salim & Robin would not even know that I worked. They were so busy in their own Worlds.

Now I will never be able to watch TV at work. Arun will never come running to tell the scores stopped working an hour back, or Anand Nair will never come running to point out a wrong link, or Salim will never walk over to discuss a possible opinion poll….Karthick will never come up with requests like “Hey, don`t upload anything on CMS for the next one hour.” TK will not walk up to me for Sachin`s images…I won’t be walking up to Kounts to clarify doubts on the 80s cricket….there would be no Vinesh in my new office to teach me the nuances of Formula One….No Piush to check if the Samachar feature was updated, there will be no JC to stand between me and my new ventures, there will be no Sumitran with his “Hi Jammy, As Requested” mails ….and no Praveen Charlie to give me marital advice. And yeah, no Sify Digital studio!

It would be a tough 1-2 months before I would really start liking my new job. I will be entering into a totally alien area – corporate communication. I know nothing about it. Wonder how I even got through. As for my job profile there I would be into both internal and external communication. I hope at least my mails are opened unlike David Appaswamy`s (he is the CCO of my company).

On a serious note, Sify is an awesome place to work. Even as I leave to join another company, I envy you all.

By the way, this farewell speech of mine is available on for Rs 50.

– Your funny ex-colleague, who is leaving this job today and moving on to a new assignment.

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Men and Women

The art of picking up women and its evolution over the years

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Back in the cave man days, finding a spouse was easy. One only had to go hunting and come back with a huge, dead deer on one’s back and place it in the corner of the cave. The woman, who obviously couldn’t go hunting and thus was dependent on a man for food, would come closer and whisper in the man’s ears: “How about we share this deer, and in return, I will provide you warmth during the night.”

Bingo! The spouse was found.

Back in those days, the men who couldn’t hunt, ride a horse or throw a spear were called ‘vegetarians’ and they had to make do with the grass, leaves, and fruits that grew around the cave.

This concept called ‘vegetarianism’ was also the reason behind the origin of another concept called “Gayism.”

A ‘vegetarian’ man (back then, they were defined by their inabilities and not by choice of what they wanted to eat) would suddenly have the urge to have meat and thus would be forced to whisper in another man’s ears: “How about we share this deer, and in return I will provide you warmth during the night.”

Then we started progressing – got out of caves, didn’t have to hunt any longer, women started having careers, we stopped living as communities and moved to individual houses etc.

All of this put undue pressure on the man to get a spouse. Now, women stopped being easy. Probably because food was always available in the fridge – vegetarian or non-vegetarian.

Like how a camel can go without water for days on ends, women can go without sex for months on end. So they could keep waiting till kingdom come. However, the men couldn’t wait because they needed sex every day. Unfortunately, back in those days having a woman around was the only solution for sex. Inflated dolls, porn sites etc were yet to arrive on the scene.

This pressure of finding their women got to the men and to get out of the pressure, they started smoking and drinking and joining clubs where all the men could form a support group and help each other out (the gay revolution got a second wind in such clubs). This went on for some time.

They say that when a man is pushed to the wall, he pushes back. Once he was ready to burst open, the man decided to go out and find a woman for himself. This was referred to as the beginning of ‘the art of picking up women.’

Over the centuries, various method were followed with various levels of success. By the 1970s, picking up of the women was templated. One only had to visit singles Bars, and wait for a lady to do one of the two things:

1) Take out a cigarette
2) Take the last gulp from her wine glass.

When the lady took out her slim, long cigarette, etiquette demanded that the man rush to offer her the light. This was the only, money-less conversation starter available. The small problem was that there were 11-12 men waiting for this lady to take out her cigarette and all of them would pounce with their lighters aflame. Back in the 1970s, this led to many women being burnt alive in Singles Bars only because they took out a cigarette out. Sometimes the whole bar would be gutted.

Since the free option was so crowded, a man could also wait for the lady to finish her glass of wine and walk up to her and say: “Miss, may I buy you another of the same?”

Women being women, the answer was almost always: “Yes.”

Both these methods of picking up women came under strict scrutiny by the respective Governments. Already reeling under the pressure of population explosion the Governments devised plans to NOT let the man and woman meet.

In case you didn’t know the “No smoking in public places” and ‘No drunk driving” rules were introduced by the Governments to make sure man and women don’t meet and thus don’t result in kids.

These rules by the Government forced the men to look for women in places where no smoking and drinking was allowed. These were Clubs/Institutes where they could find like-minded people such as – stamp collectors, karate lovers, salsa dancers, Star Wars lovers etc. The advantage of this approach was that once a man and woman met, they could spend their whole life collecting stamps together or doing karate, or whatever it was that interested them.

Most of the time people who met via this route lived happily ever after except of course when one of them picked up a new hobby.

With time, more and more women started taking up jobs. One would expect the women to start taking the lead in initiating the conversation with men. But unfortunately, that didn’t happen. The onus of starting the conversation even today rests with the man.

As the days rolled by, the men who didn’t have the balls to initiate conversation, introduced their own way of sourcing women. They called it Personal Ads. Personal Ads were received well by the women initially, and that’s because none of the Personal Ads ever said anything bad about the advertiser.

An average Personal Ad looked like this:

I am a self-confident man, and you should be the same. I am not keen on meeting women still reeling under the emotional problems from previous relationships – you should have gained your peace. Your age is not important to me as I am looking beyond the physical. You should be a college educated, financially independent, liberal minded woman. I prefer that you don’t have kids because I also don’t have any. I live in Delhi-NCR and expect you to be somewhere nearby because I am not interested in a long-distance relationship. If you see yourself in this description and are interested in meeting an intelligent, intellectual man, please contact me.

Soon enough the women saw through the Personal Ads trick and stopped responding. By the 1990s, the women workforce in corporate had increased significantly providing the men with one more avenue to pick up women. Today, office space remains the most prominent place to pick up women.

For the youngsters, it is bad news, but for the others it’s not bad news that half of the women working in corporates are actually married. A married woman is the most vulnerable when she is in her office. For her, the office space – where everybody dresses up well and aren’t in their pajamas, discusses stuff more important than prices of rice and pulses, argues over deadlines and not over why and how the milk was split – appears to be a very romantic place.

As for conversation starters with unmarried women in office, you can always call for a meeting to discuss the next upcoming deadline.

Note: If you are married or unmarried man looking for a woman in your life, try your office first.

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Funny farewell mail for colleagues on last day in office

On Nov 9, I put in my papers (in some countries this is also known as resignation) at Satyam Computers (now Tech Mahindra). I was now moving to Yahoo! and looking forward to it.

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No, it wasn`t how Hollywood actors or a Bollywood actors like Amitabh Bachchan or a Vijay Shanti (of Telugu films) would submit their resignation letters and announce their last working day. Instead, it was quite a sober affair. After all leaving your colleagues is a sober affair. I mailed my reporting manager that I was resigning and he promptly accepted. No dharnas, no self-immolation threats and no protests on the road. Pity.

Since the next day was going to be my last day at Satyam Computers before I bid adieu, and I had to send in my last email to my colleagues, I was spending my night on it. I was working on an informal, creative and yet witty farewell email for my colleagues when a thought occurred to me: “Has somebody ever written a funny farewell mail for their colleagues?”

On Googling, I found this funny farewell mail written by Chris Kula, a comedy writer in New York City.

Here is the extremely funny goodbye email written by Chris Kula after he resigned.

Best funny farewell mail for colleagues on last day in office

Dear Co-Workers,

As many of you probably know, today is my last day. But before I leave, I wanted to take this opportunity to let you know what a great and distinct pleasure it has been to type “Today is my last day.”

For nearly as long as I`ve worked here, I`ve hoped that I might one day leave this company. And now that this dream has become a reality, please know that I could not have reached this goal without your unending lack of support. Words cannot express my gratitude for the words of gratitude you did not express.

I would especially like to thank all of my managers: in an age where miscommunication is all too common, you consistently impressed and inspired me with the sheer magnitude of your misinformation. It takes a strong man to admit his mistake – it takes a stronger man to attribute his mistake to me.

Over the past three years, you have taught me more than I could ever ask for and, in most cases, ever did ask for. I have been fortunate enough to work with some absolutely interchangeable supervisors on a wide variety of seemingly identical projects – an invaluable lesson in overcoming daily tedium in overcoming daily tedium in overcoming daily tedium.

Your demands were high and your patience short, but I take great solace knowing that my work was, as stated on my annual review, “mostly satisfactory.” That is the type of praise that sends a man home happy after even a 10 hour day, smiling his way through half a bottle of mostly satisfactory scotch.

And to most of my peers: even though we barely acknowledged each other within these office walls, I hope that in the future, should we pass on the street, you will regard me the same way as I regard you: sans eye contact.

But to those few souls with whom I`ve actually interacted, here are my personalized notes of farewell:

To Rudy: I will always remember sharing lunch with you, despite having clearly labeled it with my name.

To Steven: I will miss detecting your flatulence as much as you will clearly miss walking past my cubicle to deliver it.

To Eileen: Best wishes on your ongoing campaign to popularize these “email forwards.” I sincerely hope you receive that weekend full of good luck, that hug from an old friend, and that baby for your dusty womb.

To Felix: I left a new wristwatch on your desk. It is so that you might be able to still tell time even without your hourly phone call to let me know the copier is jammed. (Call Steven – he`ll come by.)

And finally, to Kat: you were right – I tested positive. We`ll talk later.

So, in parting, if I could pass on any word of advice to the individual who will soon be filling my position, it would be to cherish this experience like a sponge and soak it up like a good woman, because a job opportunity like this comes along only once in a lifetime.

Meaning: if I had to work here again in this lifetime, I would sooner kill myself.

Very truly yours,
Chris Kula

Recommended Reading: Funny farewell speech for colleagues while leaving office

Hope liked this last day’s funny farewell email. If you know of any more such funny farewell mail for colleagues on last day in office, please leave a message in the comments.

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