Poem: On how Rekha & I got married

This is less of a poem and more of a ballad. This is the story of how Rekha and I met, our evil intentions, and how Rekha turned the tables on me.

How I brought your mother back

When I first saw her,
She was wearing something blue.
I thought: “I will take her out,
And all my dreams will come true.”

Back then,
My dreams weren’t that good.
Lunch was at Velu Military Hotel*,
Little costly, but my wallet withstood.

Tipping a magnanimous Rs 5,
On my Yamaha, off we went.
I dropped her at her hostel,
Two hours well spent.

“Which way do you go to office?”
She asked as I kicked my bike to a start.
“Via your hostel, everyday”
Was my reply, very smart.

“Here is my number,” she said.
And I gave her mine.
I corrected myself on the bike,
And off I rode; on the seat a stiff spine.

Ah! Will take her around for six months,
And then dump her.
One more month to find another girl,
And into her ears, my love I will purr!

The next day, she called me at eight.
Five months and twenty-nine days to go.
Many such days went by,
Finally, it was only one more day to stow.

Rekha beat me to it. She asked:
“Rajan, shouldn’t we get married?”
“What? No way!” I replied.
“I am dude. Love, I have never carried!”

I was somebody who believed in quickies,
With Rekha cut off, I was happy.
I could now look for another girl.
But for no reason, I started feeling scrappy!

Rekha refused to see me.
Far apart we grew.
Single again,
I looked for a girl to woo.

That’s when office gossip told me:
Somebody from Lowe Lintas was the bridegroom.
Rekha was to meet him,
In Hotel Sangeeta’s Family Room.

“How could this happen?” I asked my roomie.
He only let out a smirk.
I drank four beers.
And got to work.

I rang her father, but didn’t have the balls.
I called Rekha 17 times, but she didn’t answer.
I reached the hotel, and waited outside.
Jealousy filled me like cancer.

After an hour,
They came out. Shook hands.
He got her an auto & got in too.
The Earth below me turned to sands.

He dropped her at her hostel.
I had followed. From safe distance.
I was drunk with both beer & love.
This double drunk needed assistance.

After smoking five cigarettes outside,
I rode my Yamaha home.
Got into my bed and cried.
“I want Rekha as my bride!”

Next day, I told her.
What a fool I was to refuse her.
I apologized.
“Let us get married. I concur.”

She refused to accept my apology.
But quietly refused that Lintas groom.
It took me six more months,
Before Rekha would give me any room.

Six months later, she sat on my bike
I was love struck.
I didn’t want anybody else,
She was my lady luck!

After one more year of pleading
She agreed to marry this boy.
We were one happy couple.
I was Achilles and she my Helen of Troy.

It has been fifteen years since we met.
There have been ups and downs.
We aren’t that young anymore,
And have both gained our pounds.

But even today,
When I leave for office,
I kiss her on her forehead.
And that’s as good as my day would get.

No, wait!
That was before I became a house-husband,
Now she goes to office and gives me a list,
And if I do them right,
In the evening, I get kissed.

Important: Rekha, if you are reading this you should know that your husband didn’t have enough money to buy you the World but tried his best. If only his girl friend had lent him some money he would have got you a nice, expensive gift. But that bitch refused!

*Velu Military Hotel still exists at Nungambakkam, Chennai and its specialty is the way they show available non-vegetarian dishes for you to choose. To see their display, click here.


Australian Zebra Finch Birds – my first pet at age 35 years

Rekha has never liked animals. Or birds for that matter. Or fish. She would eat them, but to see them alive give her the creeps.

You probably ask, “If she was so allergic to animals, how come she married you?” Well, my answer is that before marriage I did behave like a human.

Though there were times when she called me a Dog. You got to give it to Rekha for being appropriate – she never addressed me as a dog in front of strangers & relatives. It was reserved for occasions when we were alone – especially when we were in the bedroom.

“You are a dog. Can’t you understand a simple ‘No’?”

“Why are you behaving like a street dog? I am your wife….behave like a gentleman.”

Till the day I decided to get a German Shepherd in the house, I didn’t know that Rekha hated animals. Unfortunately, the only questions I had asked her before our marriage were:

“How much money can your parents pay me if I get married to you?”

“How much money does your father have?”

“Do you have any younger sisters, if yes, is she pretty?”

“How many of your kins do we have to divide your father’s wealth with?”

As happens with most husbands, before marriage I didn’t asked the most important question: “Do you like animals in the house?”

I have always wanted to have pets at home. As a child our parents had trouble feeding the three of us – me and my two sisters – so they didn’t prefer pets. The moment I got a job and became independent, I wanted to get a pet but I had to travel every weekend to Madurai…which meant the pet had to be locked inside the house for two days. So no pet was possible, till I was alone.

The moment I got married, I decided to pursue by life long dream.

“Rekha, we should get a pet for the house.”

“Why Rajan? We just got married – I am your pet…and you are mine. Why do we need a third pet?” Rekha was as seductive as she could be. I fell for it and forgot pets for a year.

With time, we stopped being each other’s pets. That’s when I decided to ask Rekha again.

“Rekha, how about we bring a German Shepherd home?”

“What do you mean German Shepherd?” Rekha didn’t understand my question.

“Let me be straight…can a German Shepherd stay in our house? I responded in haste.

Rekha started blushing. This surprised me. But I waited for her to say something. After the blood had rushed down her face and down her neck…she regained composure and said: “Since reading Paulo Coelho’s Alchemist…I have always wanted to meet a traveling Shepherd. Now that we are short on love….a traveling Shepherd could mix things up.”

“This is a German Shepherd!” I shouted.

“Yeah yeah…. Paulo Coelho says all Shepherds are the same. So get him home. Let us have some fun,” Rekha said.

Before leaving I told Rekha that I shall be back in an hour with the German Shepherd. She looked excited and told me that she will prepare an extra room for him.

Guess, this was my hint – so she wanted a male dog.

I immediately went to a pet store and bought a male German Shepherd puppy. On the way I even decided to name him Paulo Coelho since my wife seemed to like the name so much.

I don’t know what hit me once I reached home. After 30 minutes of shouting at each other I learned a few things: That Paulo Coelho was a philosophical writer who wrote a book called Alchemist in which a shepherd goes around cities loving women. And that Rekha was excited to host him in our house, hoping it would bring back some love in her life.

Needless to say, I had to return the puppy and get my money back.

After this incident, I never brought forth the topic of pets. It has been five years since. Whenever tempted, I would just go to the Facebook Game Farmville and tend to my pet.

In the last few months the urge for pets has cropped up again, thanks primarily to our daughter Rhea. She loves animals and birds and fish – just like her dad.

So, two months back I asked Rekha: “How about a pair of rabbits for Rhea?”

“Alive?” Rekha inquired without looking up from the Adrian Mole series book she was reading.

“Yes alive. It will be a jail-within-a-jail experience for the rabbits….for we will get a cage as well.”

Guess, Rekha didn’t like my sarcasm, but she continued to be polite.

“Rajan, we live in Gurgaon….and we only have AC in our bedroom. How will the rabbits survive in this heat?”

“You don’t need to worry about that – they already have hare conditioning!” I tried to joke. We Rajans rely on our jokes to get things done. And more often than not it helps.

“OK fine…let us say we do get one. How long do they live – what if they die after a year? Wouldn’t Rhea be devastated?” Rekha was looking for reasons to not have rabbits in the house.

“But Rekha, we can always tell the pet shop owner that we don’t want rabbits with gray hare!”

Rekha wasn’t amused by this as well. After an hour long discussion, which also included Rekha throwing the Adrian Mole book at me, we agreed that we won’t get rabbits in the house.


About a week back, I saw that had a great deal – a pair of Australian Zebra Finch birds for just Rs 350. Without consulting Rekha, I bought them for Rhea. Once all three of us – me and the two birds – reached home, I was confronted.

I might as well have brought home a pretty secretary. The cold war took a few days to subside. It has been a week since and both my daughter and wife like the birds now.

Someday, I hope to have a German Shepherd as well in my house….but for that I need my daughter to grow up a little so that she can hold back my wife when she throws herself at me with a knife in her hand.

For now, you can check out my daughter’s reaction on seeing Australian Zebra Finch birds as her first pet.


How sex between husband and wife gets affected because of kids

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Bill Cosby, George Carlin, Richard Pryor, Peter Russell – what’s common among them all? For the not-so-trained-an-eye, it would seem as if the common thing between them is the lack of sex in their lives.

Do you know why only stand up comedians don’t get enough sex? Let me let you in on a little secret. Nobody gets enough of it but it is only the stand-up comedian who complains about it in front of a crowd.

One doesn’t need to be an acclaimed stand up comedian for your sex life to be screwed up….it is enough if you are an aspiring stand up comedian as well.

I remember we would have a go at it at every available opportunity. Just so you are aware, once we celebrated Rekha making round rotis (for my non-Indian readers, that’s bread) with a half hour session on the cemented floor. I also remember the time when we had successfully carried a table fan bought from Saravana store, T-Nagar, Chennai – on my bike me riding and Rekha sitting behind me and holding the table fan. Though tired to the bone, we celebrated the moment we were home by switching on the table fan and enjoying in its fresh breeze.

Back then it was spontaneous. And back then, it was more.

Nowadays, things have changed. Only yesterday, I was with Rekha as she was making the morning tea and said: “When we got married you didn’t know cooking. Remember, how I taught you to cook?”

“Where are you going with this?”

“Nowhere. Just wanted you to NOT forget your teacher,” I insisted.

“Just in case you don’t know tonight is the night. Do you want to mess it up?”

I backed off. Got into my shell. I hadn’t known that tonight was going to be the night. Now that I knew I couldn’t risk it. When Rekha says such a thing, it is as if the court has given a date, and one has to keep it, else it gets pushed back by another week.

“No, I don’t want to mess it up Rekha,” I said. Then I took my cup of tea and went and sat down where I had the least chances of running into Rekha – near the books.

After two hours, I slowly walked towards Rekha and asked: “Is the breakfast ready?”

“It will be ready soon.”

“OK,” is all I could say before going and sitting next to the books again. An hour later – at 10 am – I got my breakfast.

If Rekha hadn’t told me at 7 am that tonight was the night I was going to get lucky, I would have known anyway – around 12 noon.

My wife doesn’t know that I have read the signs and can now predict with 99% accuracy if I am going to get lucky or not. The remaining 1% is when we end up watching a Richard Gere or George Clooney movie after lunch or dinner and suddenly Rekha starts hating me. She still repents not marrying a Hollywood hunk.

This is how sex between husband and wife gets affected because of kids

12 noon: Rekha asks me, “You aren’t shaving today is it? You know, you should shave on weekends so that you can avoid the Monday rush.”

12.15 pm: Rekha tries hard to get our daughter Rhea to finish her lunch by 12.30 pm and sleep off by 1 pm max.

12.30 pm-2.00 pm: Rhea doesn’t understand our emergency and continues to play around in the bed. Initially, it looks cute but with time she starts looking like a monster who doesn’t want you to get close to your wife. Sometimes it even appears as if she is doing it on purpose. Around 1.30 pm the patience wears off and both Rekha and I start scolding her to sleep. By 2 pm, both of us have forgotten about making love and are more concerned that Rhea sleeps off early so that we can have our lunch.

2.20 pm: We are just winding up our lunch, while watching TV and Rekha says: “You want to postpone it?” I chuckle as if we are talking of Olympics, which need to be postponed because the stadiums aren’t ready. But most of the time I agree with an “In the night then?”

3.00 pm: We are both lying in bed tired and full of food. We are glad that it isn’t over yet. At least, there is something to look forward to.

3.30 pm: Rekha has slept and I am thinking….why couldn’t it be possible twice? Why not now and then again in the evening? Since when did that stop happening. I don’t even remember it now.

4.30 pm: The alarm goes off and the whole family is out of bed. The first thing that comes out of my mouth as I get up and look at Rekha: “In the night then, huh?” She agrees. But I can already see she is repenting it. She would have preferred finishing it off in the afternoon so that it doesn’t hang over her head as the Damocles Sword.

5.30 pm: I approach my wife, “Pratap just called….said he wanted to catch up over a beer. You have any plans?” Rekha shoots down the plan saying she doesn’t like the smell of beer and I will have to choose between Pratap and her. I call up Pratap to say that wife had already planned a shopping trip and I won’t be able to join for beer.

6.30 pm: Rekha approaches me and asks, “You haven’t shaved yet?” I tell her that I was going to in the next ten minutes at which she quips: “In that case, you might also want to take a bath.”

6.45 pm: I shave and reach out to Rekha to let her know. She responds with: “You still understand that we might not do it at all today, right? What if Rhea sleeps late tonight?” I respond with, “Yes I know. I just shaved now to avoid the Monday morning rush.”

7 pm: Rekha decides that it is time to wash the bedsheets and pillow covers in our bedroom. She changes them with a fresh set even as Rhea and I watch her indulge in the activity.

7.30 pm: Rhea’s dinner time starts early today. It is scheduled for 8 pm but today it starts at 7.30 pm. This is to provision for that extra 30 minutes needed to squeeze in “love making” into the daily schedule.

8.00 pm: Rhea is still eating…

8.30 pm: Rhea has reached her dessert.

9.00 pm: Rhea’s 15 minutes of post-dinner Tom & Jerry session has just begun.

9.30 pm: Rhea’s 15 minutes of post-dinner Tom & Jerry session has got extended by another 15 minutes for the third time.

9.45 pm: Rekha and I are losing our patience. And Rhea isn’t sleeping. It looks like a close finish – will we be able to make it? The huge question hangs in balance.

10.00 pm: TV has been switched off and Rhea has agreed to hold her mother’s hands and sleep.

10.10 pm: Because she wasn’t closing her eyes, Rhea gets scolded by her mother. Now she isn’t friends with mother, but friends with her father, so now she is trying to sleep holding her father’s hands.

10.20 pm: Slight nasal snoring indicates a child with common cold has finally hit the bed and has started sleeping. Both Rekha and I watch ‘The Big Bang Theory’ for 15 minutes just to be sure Rhea has slept well.

10.45 pm: Rekha opens up first, “Do we really want it today?”

I nod my head.

“After dinner or before?” She asks.

“Hmm…difficult question…its almost 11 and I am hungry as hell.” I say.

“I know. Me too.” For once my wife and I agree on something.

“But will anything change after dinner? We might be done with dinner only by 11.30 pm and you shouldn’t say its really late and all that.” I make sure I am not going to miss today’s sex.

Rekha said: “Frankly, even now I am not 100% decided, so lets have dinner and hope for the best.”

Thirty minutes later, we leave Rhea sleeping in our main bedroom and move to the second bedroom. As I close the curtains in the room, I see my neighbor standing in his balcony staring in my direction. He grins and gives me a thumbs up sign. If I were him, I would also have done the same – why else would somebody pull the curtains close at 11 in the night.

As I walk to the bed, my mobile phone buzzes….it is a Facebook notification. My neighbor from the balcony has updated his Facebook status and tagged me as well. His update reads: “Predicted right for the 37th time. He gets lucky tonight!”

P.S: But we seem to be one of the lucky couples. I know one that send an Outlook Calendar invite to each other, when they need to make love.

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Men and Women

Group dynamics in a married man’s house

Prakash Raj is a close friend of mine who lives in Delhi. This is his story – of how group dynamics in a married man’s house has affected his life. This Saturday, we met up at the Barista in DLF Mega Mall in Gurgaon. He had called on Friday and said: “Jammy, don`t you project yourself as a specialist in man-woman relationships?”

“I never did!” I protested. But my friend wouldn`t listen and fixed a 12 noon meeting at DLF Mega Mall. Easing into the soft, brown cushion at the Barista, he said: “You are lucky, your mother doesn`t stay with you.”

“Why? What happened?”

My longtime friend detailed out an average day in his life. Apparently, his mother and his wife were having trouble adjusting.

Here is his narration, in his words

If my mother and wife have had a fight, I will know by 7.00 p.m. itself. Both my mother and my wife will call me at office and check when I will be home. Armed with the knowledge that the night was going to be stressful and long, I will enter the house by 9 p.m..

If my mother managed to open the door for me, my wife will be at an arms distance to get my laptop bag. If my mother kept my shoes in the newly bought shoe-rack, my wife will bring me the towel and ask to freshen up.

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Finding a reason to enter the house, I will look up at my father for some support. With an Economic Times and a TV in front of him, he will just shrug and go back to the distractions. I know what his shrug means: “Buddy, I managed it in my time, now it is your turn.” So wouldn`t disturb him and move to the washroom to freshen up.

If my wife managed to hand me a washed T-shirt outside the washroom, my mother will manage to shout: “The dinner is served!”

At the dinner table, the silences will be long and the sentences short. The utensils will be a lot noisier than normal days. The decibel levels will give me an idea of the magnitude of the fight. On normal days, the ladle will not hit the plate while the rice or dal is served but on the fight-days the ladles will make their presence felt.

“So, how was your day?” My wife will ask.

Since, I know my response to this question can break my family into two I will just say: “It was fine.”

If I said that my day was great, my wife would fall into a chasm of self-pity and solving the fight will become that much more difficult.

“So, what did you do the whole day?” My mother will ask trying to prove a point that her son is more responsive to her questions. Now, even if I wanted to give a detailed answer I can`t because then my wife will be upset. So I just say: “Nothing much!”

Since my wife is a Malayali (she hails from Kerala), she doesn`t understand Tamil mother starts conversing in Tamil at the dinning table. Being the good husband I am I respond in a neutral language, lest my wife thinks I am conspiring against her.

I look at my father again – seeking advice. The intelligent man that he is, he will just bury his face in his plate.

The dinner will be a disaster. Since both the queens in my life are pre-occupied, they forget to bring to the dining table two of the dishes that were prepared for the evening. The situation worsens if both the dishes were prepared by one individual, for a conspiracy theory is attached to the miss.

When the dinner ends, my mother tries to prolong my stay outside the bedroom by offering ice-cream, fruits, Dabur Chyawanprash etc. If I indulge in these after-dinner-activities, my wife starts hinting me to reach the bedroom soon. She lets out statements like, “I am sleepy,” “Your favourite TV show in on now,” etc. Not willing to upset either of them, I take a spoon full of Dabur Chyawanprash and rush to the bedroom.

Once inside the bedroom, I stare at the TV (and think on how best to tackle my wife). Meanwhile, my wife sits before the dressing mirror and sulks. She sulks so much that I am forced to ask: “Why what happened?”

Even before I finish my question, I realize that I have opened the dam. My wife starts crying and explains how my mother is actually a witch that both my father and I haven`t been able to spot in the last 30 years.

I console her. I tell her that my mother is indeed a bad woman and needs to be controlled with an iron hand. My wife is initially doubts that I am on her side but with some persuasion she is made to believe that I hate my mother. Happy in the belief that she has managed to convince me, she sleeps peacefully. I sleep peacefully too.

The next day while wearing my shoes, I wink at my wife and utter: “Which is bad?”

She glances at my mother from the corner of her eye, then turns towards me and says, “Yes, witch is bad.”

I look at my mother and ask, “Which is bad?”

My mother says, “The blue one.”

I dump the blue socks and wear the black one, as my mother suggests. On my way out, I whisper into my mother`s ears: “I know you guys fought last evening. But I trust you. See even for my socks I still consult you.”

As I start the car, I hear noises in the balcony of my house. In my rear view mirror I see them holding each other by their unkempt hair. They sure love each other`s company.

* * * * * * * * *

I didn`t know what to advice the friend. After all, he was managing the situation pretty well himself. Besides, these are the group dynamics in every married man’s house.

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Men and Women

This artist loves his wife dearly and it shows in his comics

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Yehuda Adi Devir has been capturing his everyday life with his wife Maya Zeltzer in amazing comics form. If you have ever been in a relationship you will relate to his comics on how his wife is always late, how she is always using him as her travel pillow, how she turns into a Wifinator when she spots a cockroach etc. This artist loves his wife dearly and it shows in his comics.

Yehuda says Maya has been his inspiration for these cute comics – here is wishing they find inspiration in each other for years to come.

We strongly recommend you follow Yehuda Adi Devir on Instagram and Facebook.

Let’s now move on to Yehuda Adi Devir’s amazing husband-wife cartoons. Our comments are in bold.

If you have ever been married or been in a relationship you know that women always have a standard reply, “I have been telling you for the last one hour that I will be ready in five minutes! Why do you keep pestering me?”

Wife and husband get ready for party - Funny Cartoon

A relationship gets stronger when there is freedom to play pranks. When pranks are accepted, appreciated and returned with interest, it is a sign of a healthy relationship.

Wife checks weight and husband scares her - Funny Cartoon

Men never have a problem sleeping. The moment they lie down, they start snoring. The same can’t be said of women. God save you if your wife or girlfriend can’t sleep.

Wife can't sleep at night wakes up husband - Funny Cartoon

This is my favorite. When a husband and wife end up working out together, the husband always ends up doing more. The same happens when a husband and wife start dieting together…the husband always ends up eating more.

Husband and wife work out together - Funny Cartoon

When the relationship has just begun or when you are newly married, the husband and wife shower together often. Last time I asked my wife “hey, want to shower together?” she pointed at my four-year-old son and said, “That’s what happened when we last time showered together!”

Husband showers with hot wife - Funny Cartoon

Men just can’t stay in bed. Women can’t stay in bed alone.

Husband and wife wake up in morning - Funny Cartoon

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Contrary to popular belief, girlfriends and wives are good fixers around the house. I don’t know why men are seen as better fixers…they just aren’t. Dear handywomen…where are you all?

Wife helps husband fix Ikea furniture - Funny Cartoon

Again, contrary to popular belief wives and girlfriends can handle spiders, lizards and cockroaches much better than men. Maybe because they are well prepared for the battle.

Wife kills cockroach as husband watches - Funny Cartoon

This is exactly how it happens in our house, so my heart goes out to you, dear Yehuda. But hey, washing dishes in the house is better than washing dishes at the restaurant.

Husbands turn to do the dishes - Funny Cartoon

This is bang on. Last time when I refused to remove my shirt, my wife asked me, “Is it because you are shaped like a mushroom?”
I looked straight into her eyes and said, “Hey, I may be shaped like a mushroom, but you do know that I am a fun-gi!”

Husband shy to take his shirt off - Funny Cartoon

Folks who have a bad hair day every day, won’t be able to relate to this. Neither would the guys who don’t have hair to start with.

Wife has band hair day and husband scared - Funny Cartoon

You know what I hate more than forgetting important days? When my wife forgets them. But when it comes to Valentine’s Day I don’t mind my wife forgetting the day.

Wife forgets valentine's day - Funny Cartoon

This is so true. The strength of a relationship can be gauged by the amount space the husband gets in a selfie. The lesser the space he gets, the stronger the bond.

Husband and wife take a selfie - Funny Cartoon

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I have been my wife’s traveling pillow for long. Maybe that’s why I walk with one shoulder down. And no, it is not from the weight of my wife’s drool.

Husband is wife's travelling pillow - Funny Cartoon

This doesn’t happen in our house. Maybe because we have been married for 13 years. Or maybe because my wife believes in letting the booty go, and if it was your booty it wouldn’t get lost.

Wife defends her booty - Funny Cartoon

Men and Women

I do NOT help my wife and you should also NEVER help your wife

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//Produced As Is//

A friend came to my house for coffee, we sat and talked about life. At some point in the conversation, I said, “I’m going to wash the dishes and I’ll be right back.”

He looked at me as if I had told him I was going to build a space rocket. After being quite for some time, he said with admiration: “I’m glad you help your wife. I do not help because my wife does not praise me when I help her. Last week I washed the floor and there was no thanks.”

After I was done with my dishes, I went back to him and explained that I did not “help” my wife. Actually, my wife does not need help, she needs a partner. I am a partner at home.

I do not help my wife clean the house because I live here too and I need to clean it too.

I do not help my wife to cook because I also want to eat and I need to cook too.

I do not help my wife wash the dishes after eating because I also use those dishes.

I do not help my wife with her children because they are also my children and my job is to be a father.

I do not help my wife to wash, spread or fold clothes because the clothes are also mine and my family’s.

I am not a help at home, I am part of the house. And as for praising, I asked my friend when it was the last time after his wife had finished cleaning the house, washing clothes, changing bed sheets, bathing in her children, cooking, organizing, etc. he said thank you. Not a normal thank you but something from the depths of his heart.

He said he hadn’t because till now he had thought it was all her job.

Let us give her a hand. Let us behave like true companions. Let us not behave like guests who only come to eat, sleep, bathe and satisfy needs other needs. Let us start feeling at home in our own house.

Agree with this? Help a woman, share this with everybody.

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eMail conversation between husband and wife

Here is an actual email conversation that happened between my wife and me.

Please understand that to make it an interesting read I have included a few fight scenes, a few romance scenes and a few song and dance sequences.

Do note, this is not a sex conversation between a husband and wife. To be honest, we are married, and hence this is anything but a sex chat. 😉

Date: 7 January, 2017
Time: 7.00 pm IST
From: Rekha []
To: Jammy []

Subject: Late?

Are you going to be late today too?



Date: 7 January, 2017
Time: 7.09 pm IST
From: Jammy []
To: Rekha []

Subject: Re: Late?

Yes sweetheart. What about you? You are late too? 😉



Date: 7 January, 2017
Time: 7.15 pm IST
From: Rekha []
To: Jammy []

Subject: Re: Re: Late?

Yes sweetheart.

BTW, hope you have dropped the cheque, sorted out the water heater, and taken the Demand Draft in my father’s name?

*Didn’t like the sarcasm in your mail.



Date: 7 January, 2017
Time: 7.29 pm IST
From: Jammy []
To: Rekha []

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Late?

I was not at all sarcastic. Was just enquiring…for our daughter Rhea will be home alone till we reach.

*Yes, taken a DD for your father.



Date: 7 January, 2017
Time: 7.15 pm IST
From: Rekha []
To: Jammy []

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Late?

I didn’t like the way you reduced the DD for my father to a mere footnote.

BTW, I wanted to know what time you will be reaching coz I want you to have a word with our 3-year-old daughter tonight.



Date: 7 January, 2017
Time: 7.34 pm IST
From: Jammy []
To: Rekha []

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Late?

A word with our three-year-old daughter? What? She has come home with a tattoo? Or did someone in leather jackets and a Harley drop her home last evening? What happened?

*Nope! I didn’t reduce the DD for your father to a mere footnote. Trust me, I didn’t swear when I was withdrawing the Rs 25,000 for the DD.



Date: 7 January, 2017
Time: 7.45 pm IST
From: Rekha []
To: Jammy []

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Late?

Your daughter has changed her boy friend again – for the third time in the last five months. I want her to behave like a good family girl – not be some flower-power girl from the 70s. And definitely not like her father.

I will be late today, but can you catch her attention before she hits the bed today and have a word with her?



Date: 7 January, 2017
Time: 7.34 pm IST
From: Jammy []
To: Rekha []

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Late?

Will do. But what do I tell her? I have no idea how a woman decides on her boyfriends. If I couldn’t read you in 15 years, how do you expect to read my daughter in 3 years?

*Will try anyway. Will update later.



Date: 8 January, 2017
Time: 5.25 pm IST
From: Rekha []
To: Jammy []

Subject: Thought I might as well change the subject

Any updates? Sorry was tied up…couldn’t check on your talk with the daughter earlier.

*What time did you come in last night? And when did you leave?



Date: 8 January, 2017
Time: 6.03 pm IST
From: Jammy []
To: Rekha []

Subject: Re: Thought I might as well change the subject

The talk went well. She argued back – said something that sounded like “blubber blubber clutter putter.” Whatever she said made sense.

*Came in at 1 am and left home again at 6.30 a.m. By the way, I noticed somebody well-built sleeping with you in our Queen-sized bed. Who was it?



Date: 8 January, 2017
Time: 5.37 pm IST
From: Rekha []
To: Jammy []

Subject: Re: Re: Thought I might as well change the subject

That’s somebody I love, but you have no idea about it. I am not surprised. You know so little about me anyway.



Date: 8 January, 2017
Time: 6.14 pm IST
From: Jammy []
To: Rekha []

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Thought I might as well change the subject

What? When did you plan to break the news to me? What about our daughter – I definitely would want custody of her.

Where does he work anyway? Does he make more money than I do?

*Remember, Demand Drafts for your father won’t be part of the alimony



Date: 8 January, 2017
Time: 5.37 pm IST
From: Rekha []
To: Jammy []

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Thought I might as well change the subject

Stupid! That was your mother, and my mother-in-law. And how easily divorce-talk comes to you. Are you seeing anybody? Is it that Mansi girl in your office?

*And yes, thanks to the Demand Drafts we send your mother, she is well built.


Date: 8 January, 2017
Time: 6.14 pm IST
From: Jammy []
To: Rekha []

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Thought I might as well change the subject

Ohh! That was my mother?! When did she land up?

And I agree, we now-a-days only speak thro’ emails. How about a call?

*Mansi quit. Aditi now manages our Social Media.



Date: 8 January, 2017
Time: 6.45 pm IST
From: Rekha []
To: Jammy []

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Thought I might as well change the subject

Yeah…call is good. How about 9 p.m.? Will be in my car, on my way back then.

*And is this Aditi also pretty?



Date: 8 January, 2017
Time: 7.04 pm IST
From: Jammy []
To: Rekha []

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Thought I might as well change the subject

9 pm works for me too. Will be in my car heading for a business dinner with some investors.

Sending you a meeting invite & the conference call details now.

*Aditi is pretty. But she is married and has a kid as well.



Date: 8 January, 2017
Time: 7.45 pm IST
From: Rekha []
To: Jammy []

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Thought I might as well change the subject

Marriage and Kids have never stopped you from flirting before. Why do I have this feeling that you might upload this conversation onto the Internet?

*Been ages since I visited your website. Stopped being a regular visitor once the quality of the articles started going down.



Date: 8 January, 2017
Time: 8.16 pm IST
From: Jammy []
To: Rekha []

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Thought I might as well change the subject

Please accept the meeting invite I just sent. You are right about this going onto the Internet. Don’t visit my website it till I tell you that a good article has been uploaded.

Now-a-days, we don’t talk often, so let us be punctual for the call.

*Darn! This Aditi wears such revealing clothes!


Note: If you came here thinking this was going to be a sex chat between a couple, I am sure you are pretty disappointed. But hey, you lasted this long. Maybe you do have a funny bone after all. Check out our other funny articles.


My wife forces me to lie, when I am lying down

Marriage is a great institution. I mean, really. I have huge respect for it. While I got to agree that the driving institute where I learnt my driving does give a tight fight…the institution of marriage comes a definite first.

I will do anything to keep my, my wife’s and people’s faith in this institution called marriage. Even lie to my wife.

You perhaps just let out a gasp: “Lie to wife?” If you did…you are probably a woman. Or an unmarried man. If you just let out a smirk, and uttered: “Don’t we all?,” you are the scheming, plotting husband who doesn’t need a lesson in safe-guarding the institution of marriage.

But you know…really, I am not to be blamed. What is a self-respecting, handsome, 35-year-old man expected to do when he is surprised at 10.30 pm with a question such as: “If I die, will you re-marry?”

Let me break it up for you.

Last Sunday….after trying our best for an hour, we finally managed to make our daughter sleep at 9.30 pm. She yielded to the Mayawati-aunty-will-come-and-take-you-away threat. Just in case you didn’t know…all that Gabbar jazz doesn’t work anymore.

From 9.30 pm to 9.45 pm, we lay in bed, in a dark room, facing the ceiling…and to top it all our daughter slept like Jesus (arms extended) in between. It was a battle of the sexes. Finally, I had to speak up. I asked: “”Slept?

“Nope!” Rekha said. My wife doesn’t generally speak loudly….but when its night, and the room is dark…her voice can sometimes ring in the ears for up to 90 seconds.

After 90 seconds, I uttered: “Hmmm…”

“What hmmm…?” That was Rekha again.

Can somebody tell me…why is it that only the man should initiate? Why not the woman?

Since now the onus of replying to Rekha’s question “What hmmm…?” was on me, I replied: “Simply hmmm…”

Rekha quickly responded: “Better be simply hmmm…”

Another 5 minutes of silence followed. If you thought waiting outside a public toilet to take a dump, when somebody was inside is torture….let me tell you, waiting for the right moment when you are lying down in bed with your wife is a bigger torture. In the former you know the guy inside is going to come out sometime or the other….but in my case…there was this good chance that Rekha would sleep off.

After five minutes, I said: “Very silent huh?”

“Obviously. Its 10.15 pm and everybody is trying to sleep.”

“You are also trying to sleep?” I expressed my shock.

“Obviously. Tomorrow is Monday, and we need to start early.”

“Hmm…I was thinking, maybe we can play some golf?” I don’t know if I have told you earlier, but we Rajans are very persistent. We don’t give up till we get what we want.

“Rajan, I am too tired. BTW, what do you plan to do with your iPhone once you buy HTC Desire HD?”

“Well, I was planning to give it to my mother. She has been wanting to change her mobile.”

Considering the situation, it was the wrong answer. I should have said: “You can use it if you want.” But I had already spoken to my mother and told her that I would be passing on the iPhone to her.

“iPhone for a 55 year old lady? What if I take it and we give the mobile I am using to you mother?”

I wasn’t new to this. Many a times, just before tee-off time Rekha had asked for what she wanted and got it. This was no different.

“Sure, Rekha.”

I knew I couldn’t live without Golf, but my mother could manage without an iPhone.

“So, Golf now?” I asked confidently.

“One more thing…if I die, will you marry somebody else?”

In the dark, I could see Rekha turning towards me…trying to catch my expressions. I tried to hold back a smile…but couldn’t….so turned the other way.

“No Rekha. How can I even think of sharing my life with another woman?”

I don’t know if Rekha knows that these are all lies, and a lot will depend on the circumstances. I don’t know if she actually saw me smile, and ignored it for good. I don’t know why she even asks such questions. But the fact is, she forces me to lie, while lying down.

I wouldn’t go into the details of the excellent Golfing session. But at about 12 midnight, while staring at the ceiling in a dark room, I said: “Actually Rekha…I have been thinking. I don’t really know what I will do if you are no longer there. A lot will depend on the circumstances.”

There was no response. It has been a week now, and there have been no repercussions…so I would guess, she had slept by the time I decided to tell her the truth.