Where is the Submit (to sex) button?

There is so much humor in sex. Is it me or is it the World that`s failing to understand? I mean, why do we have to read news items like Church warden charged after sex with corpse? Totally uncalled for. 

Here are a few quotes that take sex lightly and make fun of people who don`t get enough of it. Including me.

Life is a sexually transmitted disease.
R. D. Laing 

I’m too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don’t know.
Garry Shandling (1949 – )

Leave it to a girl to take the fun out of sex discrimination.
Bill Watterson (1958 – ), Calvin in “Calvin and Hobbes”  

I know nothing about sex because I was always married.
Zsa Zsa Gabor (1919 – )
(this one is my favourite!)

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
George Burns (1896 – 1996) 

Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at.
Jimmy Demaret

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
Aldous Huxley (1894 – 1963) 

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
Billy Crystal (1947 – )

Nobody will ever win the Battle of the Sexes. There’s just too much fraternizing with the enemy.
Henry Kissinger (1923-) 


Pre-marital sex and the benefits

Suggestion: Nag wanted me to write something on pre-marital sex. This is what he said: How abt writing something abt pre-marital sex?

Here we go…

In this age of hidden cameras, one cannot be too careful about ones sex life. Yet, in this blog…we will try and discuss the intricacies of pre-marital sex. It is not an easy task. Promise.

A recent survey published in a leading magazine (that`s because I buy it), reveals that more than 50% of the respondents don`t mind sex with their partner before marriage. If you ask me to do my bit towards their cause, I would say, “Go India Go!” Anyways, you don`t get enough of it after marriage.

One of these days, I am going to find the inventor of ‘headache` (it has to be a lady) and stab the person to death. Enough ladies, headache as an excuse has also been done to death!

When it comes to pre-marital sex, there are many issues that one needs to take into consideration. It is not for short-tempered men and women. This friend of mine, hooked up with a girl in a pub and asked her, “Hey, I am Rajendran. Would want to have sex with me?”

Surprisingly the lady agreed. “Your place or mine?”

My friend was pretty upset and angry. He said: “If you want to argue…I suggest we forget it,” and walked away.

Another friend of mine – this time a lady – was hooked to pre-marital sex. She thought it was part of her liberated self… the part that got upset when a tribal lady was raped…the part that gave her the courage to go out at 12 midnight to buy a pack of cigarettes…and most importantly the part that loved Shoba De! She was a well-read lady too. And thanks to all those advertisements you see on TV and in print…she practiced safe sex. I know only because she assured me that she bolted the doors from inside, ensured the curtains were drawn on the windows, and the TV was switched on with the volume on a high. She sure knew where she was going…

Then there are the home alones. These are the ones that get agitated when LK Advani or Sushma Swaraj cry hoarse against sex on television. I met one such home alones during one of my many group discussion sessions at an inter-collegiate competition. Somebody must have told him that if he started the discussion, he would get bonus points. Poor guy…as soon as the moderator said the topic was “Sex on Television,” he looked shocked for a few seconds and got off the blocks: “I support sex on television. I mean, what is the issue with all these old men and women if there is sex on television. Do they get hurt? Of course…we just need to make sure that we don`t fall off the TV.”

Forget pre-marital sex. I think this guy was pre-mature!


Life is a sexually transmitted disease.

Ronald David Laing said that. And I agree with him.

What do we take home when we all die? Nothing. Why then do we grapple for material things for three-fourths of our lives…and realize we were all doing wrong when our sons/ daughters prison us in cheap old age homes?

I don`t expect an answer from you. After all, Buddha himself did not get an answer to this question when he asked his followers 2,500 years ago. Perhaps, because then there were no old-age homes.

I love my life. The only regret is, I should have been my wife Rekha, and she should have been me. That would have been real fun. Presently, because she is she …life is one trouble after another. Or should I say one trouble over another.

Life is not what was painted by the likes of Williams Shakesphere (sometimes, I wonder if he was a CIA agent based out of London), Mark Twain or our own Rabindranath Tagore (I use his name because he is the only old, wise man I remember). It is a bore. What better proof can I present before the jury than the fact that you guys are reading this pathetic Blog.

Throughout our lives we run after pleasure – of all kinds. Financial pleasure being the most sought after because it can buy the other kinds of pleasure. Little do we realize that man doesn`t need money to be happy.

Perhaps because I have enough money for the rest of my life, I am a happy man. That is, till Rekha decides to buy something.

Here is a small poem (or haiku) that I wrote thinking of my life (some call it wife)…

What is life,
Without a wife?
What is life,
Without a strife?

I know you probably think Osama can write a better poem on a bomb. (He sure can…it is easy to write a poem on a bomb. You just need a pencil.)

Still reading? You must have left when I first mentioned that my Blog was a bore…anyways now that you have stuck on…keep reading. As I was saying…life is pathetic. But as they say of all Rajini movie it is a must-see. At least once.

I wonder how boring an average Joe`s life must be. I know a few think that I live a rocking life…and only I know how boring I can be. The only person who can challenge me is my neighbor and he is a life insurance agent!


Getting to know sex

No it will not deny it. I am a sex maniac. Infact, when I was seven years old, I fantasised relationships with Gitanjali Iyer, Rini Khanna and Usha Alberquqe – news readers of the Doordarshan era.

It is another thing that the three pretty ladies never knew that I existed.

After that it was the Surabhi girl Renuka Sahane – the ever smiling beauty who stole my heart. I even sent her a letter when I was in class nine. But, my guess is, Siddharth Kak never let her know that I admired her. Maybe, he was jealous.

Soon I was old enough to know the human anatomy. Now, my 10th standard science book had the outline of a man and a woman. Watching it gave me a kick. I still remember, looking at the two hollow outlines for hours on end.

My science teacher, Mrs Manorama was too shy to tell me how a kid was born. So she assured us that the kid was a result of the marriage. I believed her, but there was always this question, as to how the kid knew when the marriage was over.

Then, I was exposed to quite a few cute women who appeared on the cover of Hindi magazine Grihshoba. They were not seductive, but they were pretty enough to disturb my young mind. I still remember carrying around the cover pages in my school bag, till the time my younger sister exposed me and my mother stopped buying the magazine.

In the eleventh grade, it was Shobana Mani. A pretty girl who’s father worked in the Indian Railways. I was in love with her. Just that she didnot know. Then…or now.

Whenever, she stood close enough for me to latch on to a few atoms of the perfume she used, I would get a high. Was something wrong with me? Or was everybody experiencing the same emotions. I would never know, untill….

In grade twelve I lost my virginity, figuratively that is. On a weekend one of my classmate’s parents went to Tirupathi and he was going to make the most of it. He invited his closest of friends and I being the one who gave him tasty home-made chappatis during lunch breaks, was part of his inner circle.

He had already arranged for `The Cassette’ (CDs and DVDs were yet to come) and we were all excited.

When we landed at his house on the appointed day, the curtains were drawn, and there was loud music playing inside. Even as I parked my bicycle near his house, I had this feeling that I was being watched – and every pair of eye knew that I was walking in to watch a porn movie. But I couldnot afford to care.

Within minutes, I was watching the first blue film of my life. So were the 17 others in the room. Even today, when we meet Santosh’s parents, Mr & Mrs Subramaniam, we have special regards for them.

Only one grudge, my cousin who is seven years old says he likes FTV.


Television & SEX are related

I am enlightened. For now, I know why my parents had only three kids. The last of their child is my younger sister born in 1979. Just came to know, they had bought a black and white television some ten months before she was born.

With this bit of informaton safely cuddled up inside the frontal lobe of my pea-sized brain, I guess I can make the same genralization about the whole country. Afterall, did not the Ministry of Family Planning attain their KRA targets only after the TVs came into the picture?Remember, those hum do hamare teen slogans (seen most often behind the truck behinds) in the late seventies? They were subsequently replaced with Hum do humare do in the eighties, which inturn gave way to Hum do humara pyara eak.I just hope, the Familiy Planning Ministry does not make it Hum hi bache, humare kyon bache. Or probably, they already have.

Coming to the point, I realised the importance of a TV because I don’t have one in my house. When I reach home by 7 in the evening what do I do? S.E.X. Yeah, that is it. Afterall, how long can one read books. And even then, with the kind of books one would expect me to have, where will it lead to? S.E.X.

I have a radio I can listen to. But I need to be doing something while listening. Right? S.E.X.

I also also have a gas stove at home. So when I have time on my hands, I cook. A heavy meal is usually the case. After that what? I feel full, and I need some excercise. So what do I do? I have no bull-worker, no skipping rope, no tummy trimer, no dumb-bells & no ninjak. And by the way, in case you are not aware, I do not have a swimming pool in my house. So what do I resort to? S.E.X.

There is a table fan too. But the sharp blades scare the shit out of me. Everything said and done, there is lot of S.E.X. happening at my place.

Besides, I am looking for a girl who does not have a TV at home!