Growth Pangs – for a 30+ man

My mother always said that I had a million dollar look. I doubted her till I was tall enough to see in the small mirror mounted on our bathroom’s wall. After I saw myself in the mirror, my trust in my mother increased a million times. “She has taste”, I told myself.

It has been 33 year since I was born, 23 years since I first saw myself in the mirror….and I still look like a million dollars. Just that the million dollars seem a little over-used and ragged.

Some of the major growing issues that I have been facing are:

My hair is no longer my hair

My hair has matured and now wants to lead a life of its own. I find it in every corner of my house trying to build a family of its own. Where ever I go, I leave a trail of hair…so much so…one week after we vacated Choki Dhani Village Resort’s room…I got a call.

“Sir, is this Mr Jamshed?”

“Yes, that’s me. May I know who is on the line?”

“Jamshed, I am the house keeping guy at Choki Dhani Village and I clean the room in which you stayed.”

From his accent I knew he was from Haryana. I did notice a bit of no-respect….but then that’s what Haryana is all about…so didn’t bother.

“Sure. So how can I help you?”

“I wanted you to know that I have lost my job at Choki Dhani Village Resort because I couldn’t remove all the hair you left inside the room and the bath tub.”

“Oops that’s bad.” I didn’t know how else I could have responded. I did hear him mutter a swear word but wasn’t so sure….so didn’t pursue.

“So, where do you live Jamshed? What is your address?” I noticed sudden friendliness in his tone.

We Rajans are born with a tremendous amount of survival instinct, which over the years has been sharpened by dealing with credit card callers, personal loan callers & LIC Agents. I immediately cut the call and switched off my mobile. I think this decision saved me and my family from a hair-raising experience.

As I was saying…fed-up of my hair’s revolt I have been cutting it regularly….but none of the barbers I have come across know how to cut it properly. It always grows back. I want to remove the root cause…but nobody seems to know how.

If it was about hair alone, I wouldn’t really be worried. I have dandruff too! Beware! Back off!

Bob Monkhouse once said…My dandruff’s just been signed up for the title role in the movie “White Christmas”. How much I wish, there was snow in India …my dandruff could have tried its hand (do they have hands?) in Bollywood!

I own my set of Teeth

I have always had good teeth. At least that’s what my colleagues at ibibo thought, till during a conversation it came out that I was using false teeth. The set actually fell off.

I bet none of you own your set of teeth. The first set (the milk teeth) that I got fell off in the early days itself and then the tooth fairy gave me another set. That fell off one by one – during street fights, during wild sex with college girls (don’t ask me what kind of sex involves teeth!), during arguments with my bosses etc. Unlike you, who thrive on a gifted set, I have now paid for and own a set of my own.

To tell you the truth, I own two sets. Both are in different glass jars in my house. One is labeled “Daily Wear” and the other is labeled “Party Wear”.

My face is losing its glow

You wouldn’t believe me, but there was a time when I had a handsome face. So much so, the first man who came to see my sister for marriage asked for my hand (I am a man, mind you!). Back then, I was too young to understand his advances…and thank God my sister refused him anyway.

It is said that a beautiful face or in my case a handsome face…is a passport. It opens the doors of nations…well, there was a time when I could have cried on TV like Shilpa Shetty and got the whole country rallying behind me. Not any more. The passport has expired and the authorities (read plastic surgeons) have ruled out a second issue.

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