Confusion over heaven & hell

Last Friday I got a little drunk. A few of my friends had come down from Pune and we had a party in Delhi. It was 10.30 p.m. when we finished (old men wrap up early!). I don`t drive while drinking. And vice versa. The drunk, adventurous ‘me` decided to take a bus to Gurgaon. My other drunken friends bade me farewell and walked to their car while I stood inside the bus looking like a fool.

Have you ever tried being in a bus when you are drunk? You have to hold the bar on top, just so you don`t fall and you got to look out the window at the scenery and also keep an eye out for the conductor – man, it was like being a fighter pilot and managing all thise dials on his dashboard.

There was a seat available next to a 50-something lady. I walked up close and sat down. I guess I smiled too.

“Are you drunk?” The 50-something lady asked.

“I am sorry but I am.” I blabbered.

“Are you a carefree bachelor or are you married?”

In a non-drunk state, I wouldn`t have given out this information. But ended up blurting out: “No madam…I have a wife and a 20 month old daughter.”

“You are going to hell young man!” She said.

I tried my wittiest best and asked her: “Am I in the wrong bus, then?”

But my joke didn`t impress her and we never spoke after that. But her statement made me wonder why hell was any different from Mother Earth. And what was the big deal about heaven?

Between you and me…I would any day prefer heaven. But if Advani and Narendra Modi are going to be in heaven because they are so religious, I would rather be in hell.

I am also told hell would have far more interesting people than heaven.

Heard about the case where a couple in heaven are married for eternity just because they couldn`t find a lawyer to file divorce proceedings? Now you know why only marriages are MADE in heaven and not BROKEN in heaven. Because all the lying lawyers in bloody hell!

One thing that swings the balance towards heaven is that one doesn`t need to work there. But what is the guarantee? What if God goes back on his word? What if there also I will have to put up with a boss for a monthly salary? I am sure God would want to play God in heaven. Well, there is one instance when I would want to be in heaven…when God takes birth on Earth again as a Lord Krishna, or Buddha or Rama.

But there is one disadvantage of not working in heaven. There is a gray area – what about our hobbies…can I indulge in gardening? If no…does that mean that I can`t grow my own opium?

Actually, thee is one more disadvantage. Heaven has the habit of throwing people out. As a kid I remember this one instance where I was in a hospital and they showed me a baby and said she is your sister. I asked my mom: “Where did she come from?”

And without blinking her eyes, my mom said: “The people in heaven have given her to us.”

I could see why the people in heaven wanted us to have this small baby girl…she was all wrinkled and dirty and ugly…but my mom was too innocent to understand all that.

One problem with heaven though is, nobody cooks food there. God, Pope John Paul II and Mother Teresa, the only three people in heaven (as of data on November 26, 2008), prefer to eat canned food. It doesn`t make economical sense to cook for just three people…that too during such a bad Global financial meltdown.

Some internet user’s thoughts on the “72 virgins” concept
Koran doesn`t specify that the faithful get 72 virgins apiece. For this we look at Hadith, traditional sayings credited to Muhammad but without proof. Hadith number 2,562 known as the Sunan al-Tirmidhi says, “The least reward for the people who enter Heaven is 72 wives and 80,000 servants, and a house over which stands a dome of aquamarine, ruby and pearls.” Read More

Hell on the other hand has its own benefits. An ugly ex-colleague of mine, who had to return from Hell because his visa expired, told me that he spent six months in hell with a Super Model. When drunk, my friend confessed that the Super Model was being punished for her bad behavior on Earth…by being forced to stay with this ugly ex-colleague of mine.

I have realized…hell always needs a little more water (for the thirsty workers), a cool breeze (for cooling the oven like atmosphere) and few more good people.

By the way, does anybody know if it is true that the faithful get “80,000 servants and 72 wives”? For then, I would be sure to head for heaven…

Can you tell me what all I will have to do to avoid hell?

Other Funny Reads

# Complimenting & complicating your life
# How do I get six packs in three months?
# Baby sitting isn`t a nice profession
# Wish our real life had the benefits of online life

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18 thoughts on “Confusion over heaven & hell

  1. Be happy in Hell..

    After dead, I don’t really care where I land up.. Do you?

    The best thing to do while on earth is to have a meaningful relationship and great friends. That should be fine for me!!!

  2. You will surely be going to heaven [whether you like it or not ;-)]…for making so many of us clutch our tummies and laugh! Convey my love to Rekha and baby.

  3. I have a habit of spoiling jokes…but will still try…;)

    No offence to ne1….

    Some1 dies and goes to Hell and sees Gandhiji and Princess Diana dancing together arms in arms…He is puzzled….The guard says “Gandi is getting rewarded, he is on vacation and Diana is getting punished…”

    Good read as always…:)

  4. It is a rather strange moral i derive from this post…

    I gather that there is no need for women to be faithful !
    Look at the reward “80,000 servants and 72 wives”…
    Well , the 72 ‘Virgin’ wives would be of no use to a majority of women. And the minority who still could use the 72 wives would never go to heaven 😉 .

    And with the 80,000 servants … Maybe.. JUST maybe if the woman is unfaithful enough she could have enough servants (read boyfriends) here on earth…

  5. Don’t worry… with all this global warming stuff, we might as well get acclimatised to hell… if doing all the good-but-forbidden stuff leads you straight to hell, then why the hell not… who the hell wants to be goody-two-shoes all his life and die just to find out that heaven is no fun either! rock on!

  6. Hi Jammy,
    That was very funny.
    I have two tickets to heaven. I have long back decided not to take my wife along. You are welcome if you can cough up $2.2789 million (yes, the exact amount to get me debt-free).
    Cheers,
    Salil

  7. hey jammy !!

    i believe in hell n heaven all over here on earth … in this same birth…

    BTW waiting for a fresh post!With lots of funny stuff !!

    cheers

  8. Hi,

    I was reading ur blog posts and found some of them to be very good.. u write well.. Why don’t you popularize it more.. ur posts on ur blog ‘ouchmytoe’ took my particular attention as some of them are interesting topics of mine too; your thoughts match with one of our users denny, you should definitely join rambhai or just try it out once.

    BTW I help out some ex-IIMA guys who with another batch mate run http://www.rambhai.com where you can post links to your most loved blog-posts. Rambhai was the chaiwala at IIMA and it is a site where users can themselves share links to blog posts etc and other can find and vote on them. The best make it to the homepage!

    This way you can reach out to rambhai readers some of whom could become your ardent fans.. who knows.. 🙂

    Cheers,

  9. hi Jammy, I have come to your new blog for the first time, and its superb!
    My in-laws used to tell ( and they still do )that those who waste salt ( leave some salt behind in the thali ) go to the hell,and Yama makes them broom the salt with their eyelashes!
    now its the funniest and most unexpected thing i have heard about hell

  10. Dear Sammy Sorry Jammy,

    Why do people write comments like they are writing letters for leave on your site. If you can see a pattern here then maybe you should blog about it.

    Or maybe you should have a Testimonials Column in the sidebar which will have some of these comments. Just a wild thought.

    Thanking you.

    Yours Faithfully,
    The Pseudonym

  11. I’m intrigued at how very engaging this informative article is, especially on this topic. You have hit the nail on the head with this information. Thank you for making your article so easy to understand.

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