Communicating a baby’s birth to the World

I don`t know how my family communicated my birth to the rest of the world. Some of my guesses are:

  • Drum beats sounding like the much fashion-walked song ‘Cotton Eye Joe`
  • Painting the trees in the area red (when the trees got cut and towns got built the phrase changed to ‘painting the town red`)
  • Marathoners who could run 42+ kilometers and dropped dead as soon as the message was delivered
  • Asking the relatives to mark a bigger territory (you know how) coz there was a newer member
  • Now-a-days times have changed. Relatives no longer go around town pissing on parapet walls, tree trunks, lamp posts, post boxes, and picket fences just because a baby was born in the family.

    With little resources in hand, I have decided to use my mobile to communicate to the world as soon as our kid is born. In a way, it is revenge. In the eight years I have had a mobile phone, I received this dreaded message – ‘At ** p.m. today, I became a father. Both the baby and the mother are fine` – umpteen number of times. How does one go about replying to such messages? Here are some of my responses over the years –

  • Way to go. You proved yourself as a man!
  • Wow. Congrats. So when is the next one due?
  • Phew! That was quick.
  • I thought you guys got married only two months ago? Didn`t you?
  • So, what is she saying now? Have you spoken about divorce yet?
  • One thing that has bothered me for long is…why don`t the mothers send these messages? I am yet to receive a message reading: “At ** a.m. today, I became a mother. Both the baby and the father are fine.”

    Maybe the women in my world are lazy. Or maybe, a child birth for them is just another daily chore. Or maybe, they reach out to their husbands lying next to them in a stretcher (after witnessing all the action in the labor room) and ask them to send out the SMS.

    I will be in Kerala when my child is born, and sending messages to the 300 odd contacts in my phone book would cost me at least Rs 1000 (while roaming, Hutch charges Rs 3+ per message). Quite a costly affair, considering I didn`t accept a penny in dowry. Primarily, coz penny isn`t accepted in India.

    With little money I plan to drop the inform-by-an-SMS plan and look for a simple (by which I mean a cheap) mode of communication.

    Maybe, I can place a star on top of my house – like how Jesus` parents did. The problem is, my house is not a manger but an apartment (from outside, that is). Even if I decide to have the star, I need to get the permission of my flat association president and I am sure he wouldn`t allow me because I sent him this message when he announced the birth of his daughter: “Wow…I never knew your wife`s tummy actually had a baby. I thought it was more a case of overeating.”

    The other option I have is to immediately boot my laptop, connect to the internet and dispatch a mail to all contacts. I have done my homework in this regard – I already have the mail ready. Here is how it goes:

    Hi all,

    With great difficulty, Rekha and I became parents today. It has been quite a journey – especially from Chennai to Kannur…in Mangalore Mail.

    I am not sure of the time the child was born, because I was sedated and was in a stretcher alongside Rekha, when the baby saw the light of day. (Note to myself: Find out the time of birth and head for the nearest astrologer).

    The child is doing fine. Is all of 3.2 Kgs and like his father is also a bundle of joy. Don`t think he will grow up to be a stand up comedian because he can`t stand up, yet. He is always in a state of meditation – wonder if he is the next Buddha. This thought scares me because like Buddha he isn`t wearing any clothes either.

    Cheers
    Jammy (the husband) & Rekha (the wife)

    If you forward this mail to eight people within the next eight minutes, you will get a baby in the next eight months. Unmarried people please use your discretion.

    Other Must Reads

    # Kissing – how it all began
    # Getting to know sex
    # Toilets – how lucky we are to have them
    # The initial months of pregnancy

    27 thoughts on “Communicating a baby’s birth to the World

    1. Waiting 4 the good news. by the my heartly wishses to you for a new addtion to the family.

      you can also send the mails as a spam to every1’s email id(including PM and President of india) to communicate the Baby’s birth. may be, by some luck and good publicity, you will on the news for spamming. voila!!!! you can than tell every1 by the news about ur childs birth.

    2. I understand that your baby will be a bundle of Joy , pls. dont let Baby.Happiness to know that you blog…No doubt he will start his own…My goodness then the Hits will be more for his blog and not yours…

    3. Jammy, is it your sixth sense working, that you wrote “he”…some sort of a premonition that you are goi9ng to have a “baby boy”??
      Anyways.. expecting the good news soon 🙂

    4. Santosh: Thanks mate…new addition is not always a good thing…it also means an extra ticket at Cinemas, Trains, flights…and an extra chair at restaurants.

      Yeah…maybe I could spam PM & President and announce it to the World that I have a baby on NDTV….just that I would be handcuffed…and would be lead to a prison as soon as my interview is over.

    5. Uma: Yeah you are so right…and he will take revenge on that http://www.Greatbong.net guy who beat me in the Indibloggies contest.

      In 2030, my son/daughter will win the Indibloggies Funny category award and say over Greatbong dead body “Papa, I have avenged you. You can now rest in peace.”

    6. Looks like you have already decided that the kiddo is going to be a boy … all throughout i could only read “he”…. hmmm….let us know if ur wishes are answered 🙂

    7. everyone in this world wishes for a baby boy only, from the time the baby is concieved, not a single person will say they expect their first kid to be a daughter… best of luck raj, v all wish yr prayer is heard

    8. A: Yeah mate..I am going for the boy while Rekha wants a daughter. Her logic is that if the baby is a girl…there are more dress options.

      Well…I in turn am going for the boy coz at age 46 (thats how old I will be when my kid will be 15) I wont be able to approach platform vendors and ask for old editions of Playboys….all i have to do is search my kid’s room and replace it before he comesback.

    9. Nina: No Nina…thats wrong…everyone in this world doesn’t wish for a baby boy. Maybe yes…in the villages where a girl is seen as a burden and a boy is seen as a helping hand…but not everywhere.

      Rekha wants a baby girl…and just coz she wanted a girl and said it first, I had to posture as if I wanted a boy…..

    10. Jammy some interesting Birth Quotes I cam across
      A birthday is just the first day of another 365-day journey around the sun. Enjoy the trip.

      To my embarrassment I was born in bed with a lady.

      Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

      We are born charming, fresh and spontaneous and must be civilized before we are fit to participate in society.

      When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.

      There is no cure for birth and death save to enjoy the interval.

      He not busy being born is busy dying.

      Some people are born on third base and go through life thinking they hit a triple.

      It is true that I was born in Iowa, but I can’t speak for my twin sister.

    11. Jammy that was funny. maybe u shud have had the number 9, rather than 8…. (the 8 peoplle sms forward lingo i mean).

      Loved this comment by u earlier…

      “Well…I in turn am going for the boy coz at age 46 (thats how old I will be when my kid will be 15) I wont be able to approach platform vendors and ask for old editions of Playboys….all i have to do is search my kid’s room and replace it before he comesback. ”

      Ur Blog is one major source of practical guy thing fun 🙂

    12. Jammy,

      Your comments seems to be more interesting and funny than your article.

      Now a days, most of your articles are about your family(you, rekha, baby, father-inlaw, mother-inlaw…..).

      I feel that you should come out of this and write different types of articles discussing everything below the sky rather than writing about everything below your roof.

      “Thinking out of box(family)” ;). May be that could bring a different jammy and his unknown talents out.

      Hope that you consider my comments and take it like from a well wisher.

    13. Uma: Mate…looks like you found the website I pick up my quotes from.
      The other day I went to pick up my quote and the laundry guy said…”Sir, it is still wet from dry cleaning.”

      *For those of you who didnt know, there is no such thing as a dry cleaning.

    14. Karthik Kannan: Number eight is my lucky number. For starters…Rekha was my 8th girl friend….

      Married on 8th of Sep…staying in B8…Yahoo is my 8th job…and I have eight fingers (the other two are thumbs).

      Also…thanks for all the good words … so hows Delhi?

    15. Shiva: You are so right man….thanks for the tip…I was falling into the Erma Brombeck and Sue Townsend trap 😉

      My next post will be on something non-Rekha and it will be uploaded tonight (hopefully).

      I am yet to start…so if there are any suggestions pls leave them here.

    16. Jammy, I liked your post.. Why would somebody send “baby and father are doing fine?” Poor mother goes through everything.. But I agree on the fact that once a baby is born all the attention goes to the kid and the mother. People act like the father had No role to play!

    17. Waiting eagerly for the big news..
      (bad that in India they do not allow husbands inside the labor room, in some countries it is compulsory for the husband to be there – so that the hospital can have one more patient!)

    18. Swetha: I so much agree with you….giving birth is no joke…and I have come to know that in the last few months. No wonder my mother loves me so much..

    19. Ramadas: Yes…in fact here in the small towns of Kerala…they wouldnt let the husband in while scanning too. During the 8th month scan I was left outside gaping at a Nurse…

      On second thoughts are Indian males, fed on a diet of tear-jerking serials, strong enough to stand inside labor rooms?

    20. Genealogy, A family based on social network

      I am a regular visitor of your blog and always find something new at your site. I have come up with some new findings and want to share it with you.
      I just launched a family 2.0 social network, Kincafe- http://www.kincafe.com. and would like to invite you for the review of the service and provide feedback to andy@kincafe.com.

      Thanks
      Paul

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