How to manipulate a woman

A few weeks back I had written an article titled ‘How to manipulate a man`. That was darn easy…just give him sex, I had advised. But today when I sit down to write on how to manipulate a woman, I know it will be difficult task. I might fail to deliver (expected, isn`t it? On which planet do men deliver?)…please bear with me. After all, the first question ‘what women want` still remains unanswered.

Women need security. She has two issues to sort before she is even willing to let you get close enough so you can attempt a manipulation.

1) Is she feeling safe with you?

2) Is she feeling safe from the World when she is with you?

Remember, this is why a woman never falls in love at first sight. One doesn`t get to know the bank balance at first sight.

If your answer to the above two questions is ‘Yes` you are my star and you have every right to continue reading this article. Other men may as well pick up the latest PlayBoy and head to their favorite corner.

What politicians are to the citizens of a democracy, men are to the women. We never vote for the best politician (for there aren`t any) …we always end up voting for the least corrupt. Similarly, women are forced to choose the one who is the least likely to mess up their lives – which is anyway going around and around in cycles. Period.

It is this need for security and the ability to compromise, that makes a woman prefer the guy who offered to pay the bill, though he took her to a cheap restaurant.

Never walk into the restaurant and say magnanimously: “We will go Dutch…but I will take care of the tip myself.” This just might tip the scales in favour of the guy she had been keeping aside as Plan B.

But taking her to a restaurant and paying the bill might NOT make her trust you. She might start thinking, “This guy takes me to a restaurant, and pays for my dinner. Something is definitely fishy.”

If she wasn`t already on guard with you, this act of yours will put her on guard. You might not be able to read her mind, but she can read 100s of permutations & combinations into your single smile.

Mind you, women are always on guard …which helps them in their search for ‘security`. It is as if they see these boards (see pics) everywhere they go.

In a way, we men have made the women such experts in sensing the dangers nearby.

Not wanting to be left behind, the Indian Navy has decided to give up its gender bias and plans to use a woman`s seventh sense…there will be a woman in every sea-going submarine.

This woman will have to look out for dangers under the sea. Navy has SONAR etc….but apparently they aren`t as effective. The bill hasn`t been passed in the Parliament yet…our MPs are debating over the Indian Navy`s suggestion that the woman be tied to the nose of the submarine.

Anyway once you have won over her confidence…and made her feel safe with you and from the World, when she is with you…she is ready to be manipulated.

My dear men (women, you still reading?)…there are two things you need to know about a woman:

1) Women have the inherent need to know everything

2) Women love to be flattered

Women have this inner need to know everything about the man they are interested in or have ended up marrying. Talk to her…not just about cricket scores or the latest youtube video you saw on the net. Talk to her about what you did in office, what you ate for lunch, what you spoke of when you met your colleagues in the loo, what you were thinking while driving your car back from office, what her mother in law thinks of her, what her sister in law said about her…just about everything.

On the Flattery front, here are a few stock sentences that you can use to flatter her and once she is flattered, you can manipulate the hell out of her. Remember, you are dealing with a person with a seventh sense for security…so be careful.

1) Are you dieting? Or is it the gym? You are definitely losing weight

2) Where did you get that skirt? Goes really well with those shoes.

3) Did you do something to your hair today? I am seeing something extra.

4) I was walking just behind you…and guess what, when you walked past that bus stop…all the men fainted.

5) You have such nice skin. I knew you had reached Chennai even before I had landed in Chennai.

There are certain things you should never tell a woman. Even if it sounds ok to you, as a man. Sentences like:

1) If I were only half as good looking as you are…I would be your company`s CEO

2) You have such nice skin. Wish I had that too….darn these rashes!

3) Where did you get that skirt? Would love to see them crushed on the floor

4) What deo do you use? I was walking just behind you and when you walked past that bus stop…all the men fainted.

5) Did you do something to your hair today? I am an extra dosage on your shirt today

While you try these out on the women in your lives, let me do the same. With some luck, I just might succeed.

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30 thoughts on “How to manipulate a woman

  1. Hi jammy. Though A long time fan of yours, this is my first comment. This is really a well written post. What you have said really works… Wonder whats the source of your research… Is it based on just your life experiences or more?

  2. No offense but Flattery No 2 makes me think the guy is gay. No real guy checks out a girl’s shoes…and then comment on how well it matches her skirt…lol

  3. @ Prasoon: Thanks mate

    @ Dr Dheep: Ohh well…if would be killed by my wife if I said it were based on my personal experiences, so i have to add here here than besides personal experiences…this post also has learnings from my interaction with other women who weren’t so personal to me.

  4. @ Deep: Thanks mate

    @ Elvia: No offence taken. It is hard to make me take offence with a name such as Elvia (for all i know you could be a guy in a girl clothing…checked out your posts and they don’t seem girlish)

  5. @Dipti: Thanks mate

    @ Ammu: Ohh…that makes me a gay. After reading Dale Carnegie’s book How to win friends and influence people…i have started to complimenting. And if I pick up anything else to compliment a girl on…I might land myself in trouble. Thats why I stick to shirts, skirts and shoes.

  6. Hey Jammy’s…lovely yaar…seriously amazd…being a girl m apreciatn it means it is worth apreciatn…nd honstly it is so well writtn that nobdy wil tok offence…

  7. @ Pramathesh: I also hope its well researched. One swallow doesn’t make a summer…similarly one woman’s behaviour can’t be used to define all women. Now the question is …was this article written based on experiences with one woman…or many. And I stop typing now 🙂

  8. Very close to the third tip. One not only has to eat whatever is on the table and looks like food but also has to appreciate. “is this a new recipe you have tried today?; tastes even better”.

  9. jammy as always kewl…but u missed one thing…to manipulate women one must get one..as soon as u spot one..half the universe joins the race

  10. I literally loled harder after reading the “There are certain things you should never tell a woman” – Awesome work!

    You sure have read the minds of these cheeky girls 😉

  11. It’s obvious that a man wrote this sexist, stereotypical article. Just more propagating of conflict between the genders but making statements about what women want/like/desire/need as if all the individual women on Earth had been asked. Interacting with some women from this biased information will cause you to be avoided like the plague, while some may cozy up. A lot of women will just think you are a JERK and shake their heads, while moving on.

    It’s amazing that men seem to think they can have a rational understanding of what women are like, without including any feedback from a wide variety of women. Obviously if men knew what women liked, there would not be the need for some silly article as this.

    How in the world does a man know what all women want? I am a woman and have worked within an all male environment for the past 15 years, the most pressing question I have after this experience is ” what in the world does a woman need a man for and why” ? Some of the suggestions may be valid for some women, but not for all. This kind of predetermined knowing sets one up for conflict and the stupid assumption that there is something wrong with the woman. Think about it, if it’s determined that all women want financial security and you interact with me as if your salary and bank account will make me feel secure, what do you suppose will be the outcome if my bank account is in the 6 figure range, my salary is also and you show up with a few hundred dollars for both. Am I being difficult when I am not in the least interested in your offer of security or is it you who has made an error in judgment.

    Women are people as varied as the plants on Earth. Though all plants require nourishment, water and appropriate conditions to flourish, there is no one-size fits all or some asinine formula for all plants. Palm trees don’t grow in Alaska for a reason, it’s not that they are being difficult or there is something wrong with them…they don’t flourish in the wrong environment and will die. People ( men and women) are the same.

    It’s best to stop stereotyping such a broad spectrum of human nature and deal with the individual person you are interacting with. We know that ALL people want to be happy, none want to suffer, want love, care, respect and be treated fairly, beyond that it isn’t up to anyone to create some stupid outline of how it should be applied. What women want is subjective not some objective wish list or observation from the opposite gender that applies to the experiences they have had.

  12. “A few weeks back I had written an article titled ‘How to manipulate a man’. That was darn easy…just give him sex”

    Is just as easy for women… just give them money.

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