Now Rekha and I fight for different reasons

After Rhea (our baby) was born, Rekha and I fight over newer issues. Earlier we used to fight over who would watch the the television, whose family was better, the girl names I would mention by mistake, who looked fatter and not to mention Madhuri Dixit.

But Rhea`s arrival has changed everything. Now, we have graduated to bigger issues like – who will change the diaper, who will warm water for the baby`s bath, who will fetch the Johnson & Johnson Baby Powder from the cupboard etc.

The other day I was baby sitting when alone in the house and was forced to change the diaper. Believe me, it is a very easy exercise if your wife is around…but if she is away, it only makes sense to delay it as much as possible.

I did manage to delay it by 10 minutes, but babies seem to lack the patience grown up adults` like you and me exhibit. I would have held on further…but when two neighbors rang the bell to enquire why the baby was crying, I had to swing into action.

The seasoned internet campaigner that I am, I Googled for ‘how to change the diaper`, and took a print out of the page. I then took a fresh, clean diaper from the pack and spread it on the cot.

The baby was still crying when I decided to remove the dirty diaper. If you have never changed a diaper before, let me tell you that used diaper is heavy. This is new in a man`s world…a used beer bottle is lighter, a used cigarette pack is lighter, a used Printer cartridge is lighter, a used deo spray can is lighter…but a used diaper is heavier.

If you have never got a chance to look at a used diaper, you are lucky. If you have had a chance…I have a question for you: “Which continent did you spot on the diaper – I could spot Africa and a bit of Australiasia?”

I held my baby`s legs up, and slid the dirty diaper from under her bums…somehow…a bit of the what-do-you-call-that stuck to her bums. If I had let go, the only Bombay Dyeing bed sheet we had at home would have turned yellow…so still holding her legs in the air, I reached our for a sheet of paper lying around.

Once the dirty diaper was wrapped in a newspaper (one with a Geetanjali Nagpal photo – poor girl..from fashion to drugs to a shitty diaper), I threw it in a dustbin nearby.

As luck would have it, the sheet of paper I had reached out to for cleaning my daughter`s bums…was the one with “how to change a diaper” instructions.

With no instructions at hand, I didn`t know how to fix the diaper around the baby`s waist. I tried using Fevicol…but all those promises of Fevicol ka mazbooth jod proved to be lies. I then searched for a cellotape and pasted the diaper around my daughter`s waist.

As luck would have it, my wife was home sooner than later and the first thing she saw was her baby sprawled on the bed, with a new diaper taped around her waist.

“What have you done?” She shouted at me.

“What do you mean? The baby is fine…why you shouting at me?” I raised my voice. A man, especially somebody who had proved himself by fathering a child, can never take anything lying down.

“You have used cellotape for the diaper? Didn`t you know that diapers are self-sufficient?” She was even louder.

The neighbours who had come when the baby had cried, were back. Just that this time, they didn`t ring the bell…they stood at the door witnessing the fight.

“Rekha, how am I to know that? The print out I had taken had to be used in wiping some extras from your daughter`s bums.” I was being loud, and I was sure.

By now, Rekha had deftly removed the cellotape and set the diaper right. With the confidence that comes from handling a husband for more than three years, she turned towards me and said: “A man with your IQ should have a low voice!”

Being a chaste man who didn`t take anything lying down (especially milk & water), I retorted: “Tell me everything you know about rearing babies…I have the time….anyway you will take only fifteen seconds.”

I gave my victorious smile – the one which involves taking my upper lip over my Bugs Bunny teeth. Just when I thought I had won the battle of wits…my wife said: “I refuse to enter a battle of wits with you. I am not used to hurting unarmed people.”

I didn`t say a word.

Moral of the story: Always take two print outs.

# When I became a cockroach
# What if there were no women in the World
# What if meat were made in a lab…
# What if I were an egg….
# Encounters of the third kind

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22 thoughts on “Now Rekha and I fight for different reasons

  1. The seasoned internet campaigner that I am, I Googled for ‘how to change the diaper’, and took a print out of the page.

    hehe…so much like me…. just thinking what in the world I would have done without google….

    great read overall….

  2. This was fun to read.. Cellotape and favicol to stick the diaper that was good. Hey you don’t fight on which doc the baby has to be taken. or who wakes up when she cries at night!!

  3. Jammy,
    After a long gap, a vintage Jammy post. Made me nostalagic.
    Somehow everytime I lifted my son’s legs to change the diaper,an image of ‘Kamsa’ would flit by. Jammy, with a little more imagination,you would start seeing galaxies instead of the continents.Anyway it is a good begining for an amateur.

  4. did the baby stop crying after putting the cellotape, the tape would have tightened her legs, so bad of you to do so to the poor kiddo

  5. My god cellotape for diapers hahahahaha
    i love the moral best .take 2 printouts hahahahahaa so true ……….
    i wish my hubby reads all this hahahaha maybe he wud remove the diaper …ok with that but maybe the baby wud be bare bums till i came or maybe wrap her up lungi style hahahah

  6. Jammy did you really make up this post or what dont say that you dont knw that a diaper had is self sticking thing and common way too much to search for how to change a diaper.

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