On nasty break ups & divorces

When I was in class nine, I had my first love affair. That`s when I leant that to make a woman happy a man (or a 14 year old boy) had to compliment her, kiss her, love her, stroke her, caress her, comfort her, tease her, hug her, listen to her, stand by her, hold her and last of all spend money on her.

Back then, I didn`t know what women had to do to make men (or boys) happy….but by the time I started drinking beer….I was sure. The women only had to turn up naked, with a beer in hand.

But by then, it was too late. By the time I was 19 I already had two broken relationships, and was single again.

My first girl friend had left me because she thought we were incompatible. She said she was a Gemini and I was an asshole – and according to Linda Goodman, the two never get along well.

The second break up was with a girl called Madhuri (name changed to avoid late night blank yet threatening calls). This is how the break up happened:

Jammy: Madhuri, please don`t leave me. I can`t live with out you.

Madhuri: Try breathing. You can.

Jammy: I know I will live if I breathe. It is a figure of speech. By the way if you leave me now you will never find anyone like me again.

Madhuri: What makes you think I will be looking for somebody like you? A twin brother of yours maybe? Huh?

I didn`t have the heart to tell her that I didn`t have a twin. I was the only son…in fact I didn`t even have a brother – only two sisters.

My next love affair was a girl called Sumitra – she didn`t know for 14 months that I existed, but when she finally did….she said I was too poor for her. I tried telling her that being the only son, I will be inheriting our house and ancestral property after my parents…but that didn`t move her either.

I confronted her one day. I said: “Sumitra, I need you to be mine. I can`t spell success without ‘U`. If there were a visual, I would have shown you properly….but I hope you know that without ‘U` success spells kind of odd….S-C-C-E-S-S. You know what I mean?

Sumitra: What is the point, Jammy?

Jammy: Can you love me? I have been in love with you for last 14 months. I have also written 427 poems for you. Remember that yahoo ID meet-me-in-heaven from which you get love poems? That was me.

Sumitra: That was you? Ohh gosh! Which school did you study in? Don`t bother answering that.

Jammy: Yeah, that was me. Liked them?

Sumitra: Listen Jammy. Men are like bank accounts – without a lot of money they don`t generate much interest. And for me, you don`t exist.

We Rajans (just in case you didn`t know, Jammy is my nickname) have a very strong personality and we taken rejection with our chin up. I immediately stopped mailing her my poems on a daily basis. Though, I did maintain my weekly digest of poems for a few months.

About six years after Sumitra rejected me, I met a girl called Rekha. She was around me for 2 years before I noticed her. Not because I was surrounded by women all the time, and Rekha got blocked out, but because she was then going around with somebody else. To be on the safer side, let us change his name to Rakesh Roshan. Now, we all know that a Rakesh Roshan can`t be a Hrithik Roshan….so Rekha conveniently dumped him, one fine day.

Within a month, Rekha and I were on our first date. Mind you, Rekha is a girl with amazing sense of humor. If it weren`t for her, one wouldn`t get the dope for this blog. Anyway, here is our discussion on our first date on the shores of Marina beach, Chennai – four years before we got married.

Jammy: Rekha, you just dumped Rakesh Roshan. Aren`t you worried about that guy?

Rekha: No, why? I got bored with him in the first year itself…the second year was pathetic. And it is not like our office has some great looking guys.

Jammy: So, you will break away if the relationship isn`t exciting?

Rekha: I suppose so. Husbands or boy friends should be able to make it exciting without money, or should have enough money to buy excitement.

Jammy: In this case you weren`t married….but what if you were married to rakesh Roshan?

Rekha: I would have taken his house with me.

Jammy: Why do you guys screw us when you leave us?

Rekha: That`s the screwing you get for the screwing you got.

Jammy: If that`s the plan, why even get married. Why not live-in?

Rekha: See, we also don`t like to advertise our wedding gowns on eBay, saying ‘worn only once by mistake`. But we marry…because we have to….else there is no excitement.

Jammy: So, indirectly you are saying that you need someone who will love you even when you are old and fat and ugly?

Rekha: You could say that. But you got to understand that we have this expectation from you guys maybe ten years from now…but you guys have this expectation from us now itself – look at your tummy. And have you looked at yourself in the mirror?

Jammy: You know what….I am not looking for a girl like you….I am looking for an angel to marry.

Rekha: You will have to marry a dead girl for her to be an angel.

Jammy: Hmmm…then, why should I even marry and go thro` the whole torture? Why shouldn`t I find a bad woman, hand over my house keys and walk into an oncoming train?

Rekha: Yeah, I would reckon so. I can be that bad woman. Let me know when and where I have to come to collect the keys.

It has been nine years since we discussed this, and today Rekha and I have known each other for nine years and been married for five. Keep your fingers crossed!