Confusion over heaven & hell

Last Friday I got a little drunk. A few of my friends had come down from Pune and we had a party in Delhi. It was 10.30 p.m. when we finished (old men wrap up early!). I don`t drive while drinking. And vice versa. The drunk, adventurous ‘me` decided to take a bus to Gurgaon. My other drunken friends bade me farewell and walked to their car while I stood inside the bus looking like a fool.

Have you ever tried being in a bus when you are drunk? You have to hold the bar on top, just so you don`t fall and you got to look out the window at the scenery and also keep an eye out for the conductor – man, it was like being a fighter pilot and managing all thise dials on his dashboard.

There was a seat available next to a 50-something lady. I walked up close and sat down. I guess I smiled too.

“Are you drunk?” The 50-something lady asked.

“I am sorry but I am.” I blabbered.

“Are you a carefree bachelor or are you married?”

In a non-drunk state, I wouldn`t have given out this information. But ended up blurting out: “No madam…I have a wife and a 20 month old daughter.”

“You are going to hell young man!” She said.

I tried my wittiest best and asked her: “Am I in the wrong bus, then?”

But my joke didn`t impress her and we never spoke after that. But her statement made me wonder why hell was any different from Mother Earth. And what was the big deal about heaven?

Between you and me…I would any day prefer heaven. But if Advani and Narendra Modi are going to be in heaven because they are so religious, I would rather be in hell.

I am also told hell would have far more interesting people than heaven.

Heard about the case where a couple in heaven are married for eternity just because they couldn`t find a lawyer to file divorce proceedings? Now you know why only marriages are MADE in heaven and not BROKEN in heaven. Because all the lying lawyers in bloody hell!

One thing that swings the balance towards heaven is that one doesn`t need to work there. But what is the guarantee? What if God goes back on his word? What if there also I will have to put up with a boss for a monthly salary? I am sure God would want to play God in heaven. Well, there is one instance when I would want to be in heaven…when God takes birth on Earth again as a Lord Krishna, or Buddha or Rama.

But there is one disadvantage of not working in heaven. There is a gray area – what about our hobbies…can I indulge in gardening? If no…does that mean that I can`t grow my own opium?

Actually, thee is one more disadvantage. Heaven has the habit of throwing people out. As a kid I remember this one instance where I was in a hospital and they showed me a baby and said she is your sister. I asked my mom: “Where did she come from?”

And without blinking her eyes, my mom said: “The people in heaven have given her to us.”

I could see why the people in heaven wanted us to have this small baby girl…she was all wrinkled and dirty and ugly…but my mom was too innocent to understand all that.

One problem with heaven though is, nobody cooks food there. God, Pope John Paul II and Mother Teresa, the only three people in heaven (as of data on November 26, 2008), prefer to eat canned food. It doesn`t make economical sense to cook for just three people…that too during such a bad Global financial meltdown.

Some internet user’s thoughts on the “72 virgins” concept
Koran doesn`t specify that the faithful get 72 virgins apiece. For this we look at Hadith, traditional sayings credited to Muhammad but without proof. Hadith number 2,562 known as the Sunan al-Tirmidhi says, “The least reward for the people who enter Heaven is 72 wives and 80,000 servants, and a house over which stands a dome of aquamarine, ruby and pearls.” Read More

Hell on the other hand has its own benefits. An ugly ex-colleague of mine, who had to return from Hell because his visa expired, told me that he spent six months in hell with a Super Model. When drunk, my friend confessed that the Super Model was being punished for her bad behavior on Earth…by being forced to stay with this ugly ex-colleague of mine.

I have realized…hell always needs a little more water (for the thirsty workers), a cool breeze (for cooling the oven like atmosphere) and few more good people.

By the way, does anybody know if it is true that the faithful get “80,000 servants and 72 wives”? For then, I would be sure to head for heaven…

Can you tell me what all I will have to do to avoid hell?

Other Funny Reads

# Complimenting & complicating your life
# How do I get six packs in three months?
# Baby sitting isn`t a nice profession
# Wish our real life had the benefits of online life

Natural child birth is painful for the husband too

This post is dedicated to all fathers, whose contribution to child birth has gone unnoticed and unrewarded.

If you have been reading Ouchmytoe for a while now, you probably remember than on 29th March 2007 our daughter Rhea was born in a hospital in Kannur, Kerala. If you remember reading this post on Rhea`s birth you would remember that she decided to NOT take the door and come out of the window instead (meaning it was a C-section or Caesarian, as they call it).

Well, this blog post isn`t about Caesarian births…instead it is difficult of the two options – Natural Child Birth.

Some months back, I was part of a discussion with two of my 29-something-girl-colleagues. Both of them wanted to have babies but were scared of the pain. Being a man, I told them they should face it like a man and deliver when it really counted.

“Come on, you have no idea. Even to think of it scares the shit out of me,” Colleague A said.

“I totally second you. So much so that…I am planning to adopt a baby.” Colleague B said.

I stood there dumb-folded.

“Why don`t you have the first baby, and adopt the second baby?” I spoke like a true man.

The two girls looked at me like they would look at a goat chewing grass and walked away. I didn`t bring up the topic after that.

Yesterday, I met a friend whose wife delivered a baby boy last Saturday. He used to be a bundle of energy…not the baby…my friend….but when I met him, he looked like a bag of old clothes. For those of you who have never seen a bag of old clothes…well, he looked like a new bride just back from a 15-day honeymoon in Mauritius.

“What happened?” I asked. And I guess that was my mistake, for he started his story. Here I present his narration as is…with no ‘Expert` comments of mine.

———–X—————-X————-

“Jammy…didn`t women give birth in caves when the men went out to hunt for food? Why is it that now-a-days they need our support? If back then somebody had said that men have to be holding the lady`s hands while the baby was being delivered, they would have just laughed, scratched their bums, picked their nose, spit out a seed and walked away. Pity we men can`t do it now-a-days.”

“I understand.” I managed to utter.

“You know… I didn`t mind holding my wife`s head while she puked her way to glory in our washbasin. I didn`t mind sitting at the gynecologist, reading the magazine WOMAN`S HEALTH. I didn`t mind being asked to leave the doctor`s room when the male doctor wanted to run some tests on my female wife. I really didn`t mind when I had to hold my wife`s hand and walk at a snail`s pace every evening. I didn`t mind when people stared at my wife`s belly and gave a smile. In fact, I had started to love it.”

“I remember the belly-stares.” I thought my smile would comfort him.

“Man…but when my wife was in the fifth month of her pregnancy, I got the shock of my life. She asked if I could stay in the delivery room while she delivered. I nodded my head unwillingly. How could I hurt her by saying I might end up puking and perhaps even falling unconscious.”

I thanked my stars that Rekha`s was a Caesarian and the doctors asked me to stay outside. But I didn`t show my happiness on my face.

“And then our classes began. In spite of shelling Rs 10,000 for the classes I was forced to attend them. My wife and I would end up every day at the Poly Clinic with two colorful pillows. If you thought carrying two colorful pillows and walking on the road wasn`t punishment enough…factor this…in the first week of our classes we spent time studying the Uterus. As if that wasn`t enough, they told me about the Fallopian tubes and the Ovum…like I wanted to know all that. I agree I had a keen interest in all these when I was in class ten…but that was then. There was curiosity back then. Not anymore!”

“What is a Fallopian Tube?” I enquired. But he didn`t seem to bother.

“I thought the discussions would ease after the first week, but before the end of the second week they had shown us two movies of mothers giving birth to babies. I watched it for real…just that I went out for the washroom 18 times and for water 13 times during the 15 minute movies.”

“Who was the Director?” I asked. But again, he didn`t seem to bother.

“Surprisingly my wife was loving it. In fact, she would want to discuss it on the way back in the car. As if that wasn`t scary enough, they forced me to see a 20 minute movie on how the fetus grows within the womb. Because my wife had caught on my escape tricks…I couldn`t even go to the washroom.”

“Who was the child artist? Was it Haley Joel Osment of Artificial Intelligence? Macaulay Culkin of Home Alone? Or Michael Oliver of Problem Child?” I was curious to know but somehow my friend just didn`t seem concerned.

“If I thought my ordeal would end with just watching scary videos of babies & mothers, I was highly mistaken. For we soon began the breathing exercises. Apparently, around the time of birth pregnant women develop contractions – a pain so painful that you start wondering why you had sex in the first place and got pregnant in the second place.”

“What are breathing exercises? I thought doctors prescribed them for asthmatic patients!” It was me again. Why am I even interrupting? I am anyway not getting any answers.

“It seems while inside the delivery room I have to hold my wife`s hand and ask her to breathe in and out forcefully so that she doesn`t feel as much pain and contractions are effective. The day I came to know of this….I lost all my sleep.”

“And then…?”

And then on the D-day…that would be Delivery-day…I was in the delivery room holding my wife`s hand. I didn`t know she had such a strong grip. When I said “Keep breathing sweetheart” she just gave me a stare and muttered “It is easy for you to say asshole!”. I never said anything after that (all that money given for the classes was a waste after all), and I think I fell unconscious when I heard a baby shriek.”

“Which baby? I inquired. Again, he never heeded to my curiosity and continued on his story telling.

“One would have thought they would give me Glucose and let me rest in peace till I came about. But no, the doctors had other plans. They brought a really dirty and ugly baby close to my face and suggested I kiss him. I didn`t. Just when I was getting up and walking towards my wife the doctor shouted across the room “Want to see your son`s placenta?”. As if we were in Madam Tussaud`s wax museum and he was asking me to see Amitabh Bachchan`s wax statue. I just nodded my head and walked out of the room.”

I didn`t know Madam Tussaud`s wax museum had Amitabh Bachchan`s wax statue! I exclaimed. Then realized my folly and asked him: “But what is the issue…you now have a new member in your family and should be looking forward to it.”

“That`s true. But it has only been four days and my wife says her first child birth experience has been so satisfying that she now wants to have a baby girl as well.”

Some how, “God Bless” escaped my lips.

Post Script 1: Some day I intend to tell my friend that he should suggest adoption to his wife. The selling point…in adoption, she can be sure of a girl.
Post Script 2: Who says only women suffer & sacrifice in pregnancy?

Other Funny Reads

# Rekha and I are proud parents
# Announcing – Pregnancy Diary
# The initial months of pregnancy
# The baby-mother bonding

Categories
Family

How babies come into this World

Rhea is now 20 months old and it has been a long journey. If I were to draw a parallel, it has been like crossing the Niagara Falls on a tight walk rope. That`s why in the last 20 months, while playing with Rhea I have always sat down on the floor.

I still remember that fateful day when my wife asked me to come home early. Like the good husband, I didn`t stop by at my friend`s place for a beer and reached home in time.

“We have been married for two years now.” Rekha said.

“Two years? That`s it? Are you sure?” It did seem like ten years to me.

“We got married on 8th Sept, 2004…remember?” My wife reminded me.

I knew the year of marriage. Being a man, the date didn`t matter. But I nodded.

“Do you think we should expand our family now? I mean…how long will it be just the two of us?” Rekha was closer now. She always did this when she wanted something from me. Especially….money.

I knew what she was saying. When you work 24 hours a day, you need somebody at home…to care for you…to cook & clean for you…somebody who would ask how your day was when you were back from office. I knew what exactly to say.

“Rekha, you are right. Why don`t we call my mother and ask her if she wants to stay with us?” For the first time, my wife had shown some amount of love towards her mother-in-law and I was glad things were working out between them.

“You mother? I wasn`t referring to her. Somebody younger…think hard…” There was a bit of anger in Rekha`s voice.

My brain started processing…somebody younger…that had to be my sister….but then, Rekha isn`t too cool with my sister either…why would she want my sister at home? Perhaps, for all those girl talk that I wasn`t good at. One can never understand women…

“Sure Rekha. If you wish, I can call up Sumathy and ask her if she can come to Chennai and stay with us.” God, my whole family was getting back again….marriage wasn`t the family-breaker that I had started to think it was.

“Sumathy? Why would I want your sister in this house? She is my sister-in-law for God`s sake!”

Having lost the war of wits, I asked my wife up straight: “So, whom do you want to bring home?”

At this my wife let out which till then was the longest sentence she has ever used in front of me: “And I thought I should have attempted something as subtle as that Tea advertisement where the lady model while serving tea for her husband also keeps a small tea cup, depicting a baby…blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah …..”

I don`t remember most of the sentence, but I can assure you that it was the longest sentence I had heard from her in two years of marriage. Mind you, the record has since been broken many times over – when it comes to long sentences, she is the pole-vaulter Sergi Bubka!

Anyway, to cut the long story short…Rekha was asking me if we could have a baby.

That`s something that I hate about Rekha. Even when she wanted to buy a TVS Scooty for herself, the first person she wanted to check with was me: “Should, I buy a TVS Scooty?”

Once I agreed, there was another question: “What color do you think I should go for?”

Once I had suggested black, there was the other question: “Should I go for a loan or downright payment?”

This time around, I wasn`t letting this happen…I told her: “Listen Rekha, now that I have agreed we can and should have a baby…I don`t want you to waste your time asking questions…just go out there and get one. Be done with it.”

Rekha had a flustered expression on her face, which I didn`t see when we were discussing her TVS Scooty.

“What happened?” I inquired.

She looked long and hard at me, and I think I detected pity in her eyes and then she said: “Fifteen years from now…your kid will ask you how children come into this World. See if you can figure this thing out by then.”

Before long she was in the kitchen to make the evening tea. Surprisingly, she didn`t keep that subtle ‘small cup` on the table while serving me the tea.

Here are some photos of Rhea, snapped when she was having the fun of her life in the still uncorrupt environs of Kannur (in Kerala) & Madurai (in Tamil Nadu).


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Post Script:

It has been three years since we had this discussion, and our sweet little daughter Rhea is now 20 months old. Like Elizabeth Stone once said, deciding to have a child is like deciding to let your heart get out of your body & go out walking every day. Considering the import of her statement, wonder if it was Elizabeth Stone or Elizabeth was Stoned?

Other Funny Reads

# Learning from my baby girl
# Bathing a baby girl called Rhea
# Baby sitting isn`t a nice profession
# Why do pretty girls don`t propose anymore?
# Father vs mother – The Fight Continues

Your Zodiac sign & dieting

If you didn`t know what a Zodiac is…well, it is a division of the year into 12 parts…each with a different movement of the sun, moon and the other planets. Since the movement of these celestial bodies is different during different Zodiac divisions…people born during these phase have different characteristics.

Yes, it is true…the celestial bodies decide how you behave.

No, it is NOT true that this blog post is about Zodiac signs & astrology. Instead, this is my attempt to map your Zodiac sign to the right dieting technique so that you can lose weight. Here we go:

Aries (Born between March 21 & April 20)
Aries are also known as the The Ram. Not Sita`s Ram…but the animal Ram (scientific name is definitely NOT Homo Sapiens). To ensure you lose weight stay away from meat, especially if it is Ram meat. Since, Fire is your element…ensure everything is cooked in fire before eating.

Taurus (Born between April 21 & May 21)
Taurus are also referred to as The Bull. Being a Taurean myself, I know that we eat, drink & sleep bull shit. If like me, you are also a Taurean slowly eliminate all bull shit from your diet. Care should be taken to eliminate it slowly for it has withdrawal symptoms. Since Earth is the element for all Taureans…a diet on anything that grows inside the Earth will help in losing weight. For example carrots, radish, potatoes, & earthworms.

Gemini (Born between May 22 & June 21)
Geminis are The Twins and hence you can only achieve weight loss if you work in pairs. The results will be there for all to see if you have an identical twin, who like you is hugely obese….and wants to lose weight. Air is the element for Geminis, and hence a dieting Gemini should try to keep the air intake to the minimum.

Cancer (Born between June 22 & July 22)
Cancer is a big disease. If you are a Cancer, dieting should be the least of your worries….your chemo-therapy should take care of that. A diet of Crabs will greatly reduce your weight. While eating crabs, make sure to leave the shells out else you might end up with a lot of bone weight. Since, Water is your element…drinking a lot of it will result in weight gain. Ever noticed that a drenched towel is heavier?

Leo (Born between July 23 & August 22)
You probably eat like a lion. Try the Hyena trick, which generally works for Leos. But for that you need a wife that eats up most of the food at home and leaves the remains for you when you come back from office. Another sure shot way to lose weight is to get cubs into the family…which will ensure you spend time feeding the Leo cub. For a Leo cub, you need to inseminate or get impregnated in the beginning of winter – October/November – which isn`t difficult, considering the number of Leos we have amongst us.

Virgo (Born between August 23 & September 22)
If you are a true Virgo, you are probably a virgin. Just in case you didn`t know, sex helps burn calories and thus lose weight. Drinking a lot of Bloody Mary (remember, Mary was a virgin?) will also help you lose weight. Sometimes, virginity too.

Libra (Born between September 23 & October 22)
Since your motto is ‘balancing act` you are most likely to succeed in dieting. You will need to weigh everything you eat against the pleasure it will give you and then decide on whether to eat or not. Remember, you have nothing to do with the “scales” on a fish…so you can consume as much fish as possible without the fear of gaining weight. Just don`t go for chicken, else you might end up saying “Dam!” like the fish that hit a wall under the water.

Scorpio (Born between October 23 & November 21)
However hard Mahindra & Mahindra might try to convince you…remember…you are not an off-roader. You need sting in your food…so have a lot of pickle. To lose weight, follow up every morsel of food with a spoonful of pickle. Since, Water is your element you can always have a glass of water after every spoonful of pickle.

Sagittarius (Born between November 22 & December 21)
You are the Archer, so you should try and start hunting & eating. Hunting will help you burn calories, while eating sparrows & crows & squirrels – which are the only wildlife you will find in our cities – will ensure you lose weight. If you are in New York, you might find an occasional dinosaur destroying the city…that`s if some movie shooting is going on.

Capricorn (Born between December 22 & January 20)
Your animal is sea-goat. Being a goat is bad enough, but being a sea-goat? If you want to lose weight, you should indulge in sea food. If you are of marriageable age…see if you can either marry a Bengali or a Keralite for enough of sea food at home. If you are already married to a non-communist (why are both the communist ruled states in India so fish-friendly?)…suggest you rent/buy a house near a good sea-food restaurant.

Aquarius (Born between January 21 & February 19)
Aquarians are ruled by the planets Saturn & Uranus. Saturn will ensure that your mind goes haywire when you see food….while Uranus will ensure that what ever you eat gets out of your digestive system (re-read if you didn`t get this awesome joke!). You are the only Zodiac sign that can eat anything and wash it down in a single flush.

Pisces (Born between January 21 & February 19)
Needless to say, you need to rely on sea food. But only two fish at a time…anything more and you might start putting on weight. My personal advice to all Pisces will be to go for an aquarium at home, but start with at least six fish every day – why go to bed empty stomach?

Other Funny Reads

# Different types of fathers in law
# Jammy`s weakly predictions – Part 1
# Diseases – the evolution
# Check-mate over the phone
# Growth Pangs – for a 30+ man
# The frog in my father in law`s house