Author: Jamshed V Rajan

Jammy, as Jamshed V Rajan is affectionately called, is a wannabe stand up comedian. He has a funny take on most things but documents only some of them. If you are interested in chatting up with him, do drop him an email at jv.rajan@gmail.com or message him at +919650080255.

Another humor writer launches a book

Post author By Jamshed V Rajan
Post date September 21, 2008
13 Comments on Another humor writer launches a book

Tell me….what comes to your mind when you say MBA? Masters of Business Administration? Monsters of Blah & Ass-licking? Mediocre But Arrogant? Or Married But Available?

If you haven`t yet got the hint, well……this post is about Abhijit Bhaduri. Like it happens with all famous men…if you don`t know Abhijit Bhaduri…let me explain….he is a leading HR Professional from India, who doubles up as a humor writer. The man in question once wrote a book titled Mediocre But Arrogant….which didn`t live up to its title…it wasn`t mediocre at all. After failing to ensure losses for his first publisher, he launched his second book Married But Available in the Indian Capital, today.

Being a humor writer of repute (hic! hic!) I was also invited to the launch. I am serious. If only there was a screenshot option in my mobile, I would have shown you the SMS he sent me.

Unfortunately, I couldn`t go.

Not feeling well…I was in my bed throughout the day. Staring onto a white wall with a rotating fan is like staring into a girl`s eyes. It makes you imagine things that don`t really exist the way you want them to exist.

I ended up imagining how the book launch would have proceeded.

You can buy MARRIED BUT AVAILABLE and get it delivered by mail (Order it from the Harper Collins site). You get a specially signed copy if you order by 30 September 2008. Buy Now
Still confused? Listen to him read out a chapter from his first book and then decide.

6.00 p.m.: Abhijit Bhaduri is prancing up and down the corridor waiting for the guests (read invitees like me….) to arrive.

6.15 p.m.: The first guests arrive. Most are his relatives, and friends who couldn`t refuse….or weren`t lucky enough to fall sick. A few of them are cursing him for launching a book on a weekend.

6.30 p.m.: Some fifty odd people have gathered. The publishers are now prancing up and down the corridor…they are waiting for the journalists to arrive, who like the police in Hindi movies, always arrive late.

6.45 p.m.: Abhijit Bhaduri has washed his face and donned a new coat of make up. Unlike me, he is a fair and handsome man alright….but who doesn`t need that extra coat of make up for that extra bit of glow on a big day? He checks his suit to see it is befitting the occasion – not all writers get published….fewer still get to make the second mistake.

7.00 p.m.: Everybody is in their seats – friends, relatives, readers, press-men, iron-walas…everybody. The publisher takes the podium and starts off on how he rejected Abhijit Bhaduri`s 18 manuscripts before he accepted the one that`s gone into print. After the publisher, the Editor of the book takes the podium for ten whole minutes and explains how Abhijit Bhaduri should have gone to a better school for better Grammar and how his punctuation leaves so much to be desired.

7.25 p.m.: After all the damage is done, Abhijit Bhaduri takes the stage. His time in Microsoft as the head of HR helps. He strikes a chord with the invitees right away. It helps that he is wearing a pink shirt with a violet trouser – after all he is a humor writer. He tries to contain the damage by saying that half of the 18 manuscripts rejected by the said publisher have been accepted by other publishers of repute. He also does some damage control on the “Grammar school” fiasco by saying he had a Grammar teacher who fell sick regularly.

7.45 p.m.: Abhijit Bhaduri finishes his speech and the whole crowd gets up in a standing ovulation. Ok, at least the ladies get up in standing ovulation.

7.50 p.m.: Abhijit Bhaduri invites the Chief Guest, who happens to be a humor blogger called Jammy and his girl friend called Tammy, to launch the book.

8.00 p.m.: Jammy starts off with ‘I know it is getting late and you all want to go home early….” and continues to talk about the good times (and some peanuts) he has had with Abhijit Bhaduri. How they are like a mobile phone and sim card, how they are like a CD and a CD Cover etc. Jammy has been talking for 35 minutes when Abhijit Bhaduri walks in with a bottle of water and wispers something into Jammy`s ears.

8.35 p.m.: Jammy launches the book, and the crowd erupts in jubilation. Don`t know why….but the reporters ignore Abhijit Bhaduri and surround Jammy. They ask him why he isn`t publishing a book…Jammy nods his head and walks into the sunset.

*Glad the launch happened in the evening, else walking into the sunset wouldn`t have been possible.
**If you are Abhijit Bhaduri and reading this…my apologies I couldn`t come there in person. Believe me, in spirit I was with you on your big day. The operational word being ‘Spirit`.

Lateral Thinking – 5

Here goes a lateral thinking puzzle which will force you to think laterally:

As all women, the one in question also came home after a long day`s work at office. Since it was evening…and dark out side…she switched on the light in her living room.

She was horrified…completely horrified…to see the remains of her husband on the newly bought carpet. He had committed suicide.

Ignoring what had happened; the woman had a cup of tea and went about her housework. She didn`t phone for medical assistance or police help. Why not?

He/she who can answer this question correctly will win a glossy, signed, life-size poster of the World`s most misunderstood genius – Mr Jammy. Why misunderstood? Because nobody thinks I am a genius.

Update: Arun got it right in the first comment. Check Right Answer

Update from office
*ibibo Blogs went live yesterday. It has been an excellent job of integrating WordPress and providing all the features the best blogging platform in the world has. Why not start a blog now?

Growing Up

Why is it “Before Christ”?

Post author By Jamshed V Rajan
Post date September 14, 2008
9 Comments on Why is it “Before Christ”?

Good the historians didn`t go by his first name. If only the historians had gone by Jesus Christ`s first name…it would have been B.J. and not B.C..

If you aren`t literate enough, let me explain. B.C. stands for ‘Before Christ` (and A.D. stands for ‘After Death`)…and if only instead of ‘Christ`, the historians had taken his first name ‘Jesus` and made it B.J. ….I could have easily fooled Rhea (my daughter) that by B.J. the historians meant ‘Before Jammy.`

*I am sure the Satan in you is thinking that B.J. stands for something else too!

A phone conversation with my girlfriend

Post author By Jamshed V Rajan
Post date September 13, 2008
28 Comments on A phone conversation with my girlfriend

Here is a phone conversation I had recently with my girl friend. No, it wasn`t with Rekha, my wife.

My girlfriend: Hi!
Me: Hey!

My girlfriend: I see a bit of sarcasm in your tone.
Me: Sarcasm? Why would I be sarcastic?

My girlfriend: How would I know? Ask yourself.
Me: But pray tell me, how can a “Hey” be sarcastic?

My girlfriend: You wouldn`t understand. Forget it.
Me: Aree…if you didn`t want me to think about it, why even mention it? Answer my question – how can a “Hi” be sarcastic?

My girlfriend: I donno. I no longer feel the same warmth in your tone.
Me: Is it because of the cold I have?

My girlfriend: See, you are being sarcastic again.
Me: Yes, this time….I agree.

My girlfriend: If you can agree now…why didn`t you agree earlier?
Me: I am not being sarcastic baby. Tell me what makes you think something is wrong.

My girlfriend: I don`t know. My heart says so.
Me: Your heart? I didn`t know hearts could speak!

My girlfriend: See…you are being sarcastic again!
Me: Yes, this time also….I agree.

My girlfriend: I feel things aren`t the same with us anymore.
Me: What makes you feel so?

My girlfriend: Your tone.
Me: Do you think gargling would help? It is this darn cold.

My girlfriend: I can see the sarcasm flowing again.
Me: Yes, this time also….I agree.

My girlfriend: You never used to raise your voice with me.
Me: But baby, we have known each other for two years now. Even married couples start fighting in two years!

My girlfriend: Don`t. Don`t raise your voice.
Me: No I didn`t! I didn`t raise my voice at all!

My girlfriend: Now you are. Why are you shouting?
Me: If you get unreasonable, what do I do?

My girlfriend: See….I told you…you aren`t the same anymore.
Me: Ohh God. What makes you think so?

My girlfriend: Don`t raise your voice, I said.
Me: No sweetheart. I am not raising my voice.

My girlfriend: You don`t have to say that so loudly. I am NOT deaf.
Me: I know you are not deaf of ears….

My girlfriend: See…sarcasm again.
Me: Ohh my God. Tell me what I have to do to make you happy!

My girlfriend: Just be yourself.
Me: Baby, I am being myself.

My girlfriend: No, this isn`t the man I loved.
Me: I am just myself. How can a man who lives for 100 years change drastically in 2 years?

My girlfriend: You never used to argue with me earlier.
Me: I am not arguing!

My girlfriend: Don`t shout!
Me: I am not shouting!

My girlfriend: I think you want to dump me.
Me: No I don`t. Why would I? This started as a casual conversation and here we are talking of dumping?

My girlfriend: Yes. That`s what you want to do…and I can feel that.
Me: What makes you feel that?

My girlfriend: I donno….I just know.
Me: How can you know ….when you donno…

My girlfriend: I donno…
Me: Ok fine. So what should we do? You suggest.

My girlfriend: Take a one-week break, maybe?
Me: I am fine with the idea, if that`s what you want.

My girlfriend: I don`t want that. I am just doing it for you.
Me: What??!!

My girlfriend: Yes. Let us take a break, if that`s what you want.
Me: Ok fine.

My girlfriend: Now you being sarcastic…
Me: How can “Ok fine” be sarcastic?

My girlfriend: I donno…
Me: I donno too sweetheart. But bye.

My girlfriend: Bye.
Me: Yes, take care. Call me if you feel like calling me.

My girlfriend: See…you are being sarcastic about my feelings now.
Me: Yes, I was.

*Thank God my phone`s charge went off. Else, you would have been forced to read two more pages of mindless conversation.

**Men out there, beware of women. They are complex. Worse than the Algebra that you dreaded in school.

Ouchmytoe on Google search result pages

Post author By Jamshed V Rajan
Post date September 10, 2008
5 Comments on Ouchmytoe on Google search result pages

Here are the top 16 keywords for which Ouchmytoe.com pages figure in the first page of Google search results.

# Funny Farewell Letter (The Blog Post)

# Ouchmytoe (The Blog Post)

# Free ibibo SMS Manager Downloads (The Blog Post)

# Indian Wives Sex (The Blog Post)

# Farewell Mails (The Blog Post)

# Ouch My Toe (The Blog Post)

# Farewell Mail (The Blog Post)

# Best Microwave Oven (The Blog Post)

# Funny Farewell Email (The Blog Post)

# Micro Oven (The Blog Post)

# Group Dynamics (The Blog Post)

# Funny Introduction Mails While Joining the Company (The Blog Post)

# Funny Name Calling (The Blog Post)

# Funny Blog (The Blog Post)

# Kingfisher Air Hostess (The Blog Post)

# Fabindia (The Blog Post)

Thought it might interest you. Some of the above keywords are unintentional, though. 🙂

If you want your blog to figure higher on Google search result pages, and need quick SEO tips…mail me @ jv.rajan@gmail.com

Travel

Crossing one’s Tea

I don`t know what you are addicted to…but I am addicted to tea. Any kind of tea will do for me – be it Green Tea, White Tea, Black Tea, Herbal Tea or my favourite Japanese Tea. It is funny how an Indian sitting in Gurgaon is writing about something that the Chinese discovered and the Japanese added flavour to – Japanese tea.

Discovering Tea

It is believed that the Chinese discovered tea when some tea leaves accidentally fell into a pot of boiling water. Now my question is – who threw in the milk and sugar?

I am not the only one who is addicted to tea of any kind. Over the years, Indian culture & customs have been influenced by tea. Customs were influenced less by tea and more by tea smugglers.

Americans & Tea

It is said that an American improvised on tea and came up with the concept of “Iced Tea.” What beats me is that they did it in 1904 (at the 1904 World Fair St. Louis) when refrigerators were not available in a normal household. And even if refrigerators were available ….how did some random tea leaves fly into a refrigerator? Wasn`t the refrigerator door closed?

Americans live by improvising. Besides the telephone, I know of nothing that has been invented (or discovered) by the Americans. Why…they needed Christopher Colombus, an Italian sailor working for a Spanish queen, to discover their own country – the Americas!

American improvisation didn`t end there. Four years later, Thomas Sullivan of New York developed the concept of tea in a bag. I don`t understand the concept of tea bags…why have tea in a bag when one can have it in a tea cup?

Maybe you aren`t aware of this….in the United States of America, 90% of the tea consumed is black. And here in India 90% of the tea consumed is white (with milk that is). Ironic isn`t it – white men having black tea and black men having white tea?

Tea in Europe & how it lost to wine

According to the tea historian, whose article I have been reading, after becoming popular in China, Japan and America….tea started filtering into Europe in the 17th century. Now, my question is….if tea was all filtered…how did the Europeans ever get the tea leaves? And what a big filter it should have been. The one that I use in my house to filter tea into the tea cup has a diameter of ten centimeters.

In Europe, tea first filtered into Holland and France. In Holland it is popular to this day, but in France wine has taken over. There were a few benefits that wine offered over and above tea, and we are not talking about the alcohol content. 😉

Some of the differences that the French saw before they shifted away from tea are:

# Wine didn`t need a heating unit
# Wine didn`t need to be filtered
# Wine didn`t need milk to be added

High Tea vs Low Tea

That we know the French have ceased to be tea drinkers, let us quit talking about them and move on to something higher in the hierarchy – High Tea.

Many a times, we have received mails from our office Admin guy saying: “The CEO`s speech will be followed by ‘High Tea`.”

“Why ‘High Tea` and what does it mean,” I always wondered.

Apparently, there is a ‘Low Tea` as well, but it is reserved for the aristocrats. When tea is accompanied by only light snacks it is known as ‘Low Tea.` In sharp contrast ‘High Tea` is accompanied by heavy snacks and is a prerogative of the poor. Now that you know ‘High Tea` is a humiliating suggestion, I expect you to ignore the next ‘High Tea` invite you get.

This doesn`t mean you don`t visit the Coffee houses (The favorite beverage asked for in Coffee Houses was tea but since Coffee had been around long before tea arrived, the name stayed). It is only now that the Coffee Houses have items in menu that start at Rs 100/cup. There was a time in history when one could visit a Coffee House, and get a pot of tea and a newspaper for just a penny. What you did with the newspaper was nobody`s problem.

After such a long, boring article….if only someone can make me a cup of tea.

Packing – only to unpack

Packing one`s luggage is an art. Especially since, as the old Tata Indica advertisement proclaimed, we love to carry the World with us. The Tata Indica ad is so true…when I sat down to make a list of things to be packed…I first wrote down “The Globe.”

Rekha and I spent the whole of last weekend packing and believe me it isn`t something you would want to do. No, I am not referring to Rekha….but to packing.

Who will pack the bag?

After spending a Wednesday & Thursday fighting over who would pack what, it was decided that we come up with our own list of things to pack and pack our own bags. Friday was spent deciding who got which bags. Naturally, I ended up with the worst of the three high-profile luggage bags (for some odd reason we still have the bags that we carried in 2000 B.C. or was it A.D.?). Mind you, any bag that wasn`t part of an Allen Solly or Color Plus deal of ‘buy three formal shirts and get a stylish travel bag free` is a high-profile bag for me.

With the bag decided, I sat down to make my list. The last time I had sat down to make a list was in 2004 while deciding the invitees list to my wedding. Back then, I had focused completely on the list and forgot the bride – and thus ended with the one I am stuck with now. Anyway, not wanting to repeat the same mistake….I drove down to Qutub Minar (20 kilometers from my place)….so that I could focus on the list.

My travel packing list

1) Undies – 2 Numbers (remember to wash after every use)

2) Socks – 2 Numbers (remember to hang in sun after every use)

3) Jeans – 2 Numbers

4) T-Shirts – 2 Numbers

5) Deodorant – 1 Number

6) Tooth Brush – 1 Number (See if it can double up as boot brush – to save baggage space)

7) Tooth Paste – 1 Number (Since the destination isn`t five star they don`t provide tooth paste. When will my mom learn to be as hospitable as the Oberois?)

8 ) Shoes – 1 Number (tooth paste will NOT double up as boot polish. Unless the shoe is white like Mithun Chakravarthy`s)

9) Mobile & Charger – 1 Number

10) Shorts – 1 Numbers (Get the darker one. Can`t afford to carry two)

11) Honey Bottles – 3 Numbers (My mother loves honey, especially when I gift it to her)

12) Wall Clock – 1 Number (Since I don`t wear a wrist watch)

13) Cupboard – 1 Number (That`s where I had kept the tickets but can`t find now. Plan to reach airport early and search for the e-Ticket)

The advantage of getting the list done by somebody else is that when you miss an important item, you can always say: “If I had made the list, I wouldn`t have missed that!” Since, I was making the list I had to be double careful.

Cleaning the Travel Bag

Once the packing list was made, I drove back home and started my bag cleaning exercise. I don`t know how you take care of your bags. In our house, after we are back from travel the bag is kept in an undisclosed locality. Despite our attempts to keep the location a secret, spiders, cockroaches & lizards somehow come to know of the place. Now you know why I suspect my wife to be a double agent.

When I pulled out the bag from the cupboard (oops! I just revealed the place – if you are a spider, lizard or cockroach please spare me!) I saw a thriving civilization. So much so, I even spotted some archeologists trying to unearth secrets from the bag.

Here are some of the items that I had to remove from the bag before I started packing:

– Boarding passes

– An unwashed handkerchief, which had become a mass of cloth (guess I had a terrible cold when I last traveled)

– Some coins & some rupee notes (wish I knew this when I was suffering from money-less-ness and my blood sugar had gone down)

– Lizards

– 6 Cockroaches

– 2 Spiders

The best part of traveling is cleaning one`s bag for the travel. Especially, when while cleaning the bag the settled dust raises a stink and gives me breathlessness and eventually speechlessness. I feel as if I am in love again.

My travel bag & airport security

With my packing done (and Rekha having done her share of packing) we reached the New Delhi airport in time. Everything was going fine till the honey bottles were spotted at the security screening and suspected to be liquid bombs.

After I drank one whole bottle of honey and clutched my stomach in pain, the cops suspected it to be a decoy and ransacked my whole bag looking for the actual bomb. With fifteen minutes for my flight to take off….my packing was undone and I had to start from scratch. Thankfully, I didn`t have to make a list.

Growth Pangs – for a 30+ man

Post author By Jamshed V Rajan
Post date August 30, 2008
11 Comments on Growth Pangs – for a 30+ man

My mother always said that I had a million dollar look. I doubted her till I was tall enough to see in the small mirror mounted on our bathroom`s wall. After I saw myself in the mirror, my trust in my mother increased a million times. “She has taste”, I told myself.

It has been 33 year since I was born, 23 years since I first saw myself in the mirror….and I still look like a million dollars. Just that the million dollars seem a little over-used and ragged.

Some of the major growing issues that I have been facing are:

My hair is no longer my hair

My hair has matured and now wants to lead a life of its own. I find it in every corner of my house trying to build a family of its own. Where ever I go, I leave a trail of hair…so much so…one week after we vacated Choki Dhani Village Resort`s room…I got a call.

“Sir, is this Mr Jamshed?”

“Yes, that`s me. May I know who is on the line?”

“Jamshed, I am the house keeping guy at Choki Dhani Village and I clean the room in which you stayed.”

From his accent I knew he was from Haryana. I did notice a bit of no-respect….but then that`s what Haryana is all about…so didn`t bother.

“Sure. So how can I help you?”

“I wanted you to know that I have lost my job at Choki Dhani Village Resort because I couldn`t remove all the hair you left inside the room and the bath tub.”

“Oops that`s bad.” I didn`t know how else I could have responded. I did hear him mutter a swear word but wasn`t so sure….so didn`t pursue.

“So, where do you live Jamshed? What is your address?” I noticed sudden friendliness in his tone.

We Rajans are born with a tremendous amount of survival instinct, which over the years has been sharpened by dealing with credit card callers, personal loan callers & LIC Agents. I immediately cut the call and switched off my mobile. I think this decision saved me and my family from a hair-raising experience.

As I was saying…fed-up of my hair`s revolt I have been cutting it regularly….but none of the barbers I have come across know how to cut it properly. It always grows back. I want to remove the root cause…but nobody seems to know how.

If it was about hair alone, I wouldn`t really be worried. I have dandruff too! Beware! Back off!

Bob Monkhouse once said…My dandruff`s just been signed up for the title role in the movie “White Christmas”. How much I wish, there was snow in India …my dandruff could have tried its hand (do they have hands?) in Bollywood!

I own my set of Teeth

I have always had good teeth. At least that`s what my colleagues at ibibo thought, till during a conversation it came out that I was using false teeth. The set actually fell off.

I bet none of you own your set of teeth. The first set (the milk teeth) that I got fell off in the early days itself and then the tooth fairy gave me another set. That fell off one by one – during street fights, during wild sex with college girls (don`t ask me what kind of sex involves teeth!), during arguments with my bosses etc. Unlike you, who thrive on a gifted set, I have now paid for and own a set of my own.

To tell you the truth, I own two sets. Both are in different glass jars in my house. One is labeled “Daily Wear” and the other is labeled “Party Wear”.

My face is losing its glow

You wouldn`t believe me, but there was a time when I had a handsome face. So much so, the first man who came to see my sister for marriage asked for my hand (I am a man, mind you!). Back then, I was too young to understand his advances…and thank God my sister refused him anyway.

It is said that a beautiful face or in my case a handsome face…is a passport. It opens the doors of nations…well, there was a time when I could have cried on TV like Shilpa Shetty and got the whole country rallying behind me. Not any more. The passport has expired and the authorities (read plastic surgeons) have ruled out a second issue.

Other Funny Reads

Other Funny Reads

Other Funny Reads

Discovering Tea

Americans & Tea

Tea in Europe & how it lost to wine

High Tea vs Low Tea

Other Funny Reads

Who will pack the bag?

My travel packing list

Cleaning the Travel Bag

My travel bag & airport security

Other Funny Reads

My hair is no longer my hair

I own my set of Teeth

My face is losing its glow