Heavy weekend

It has been a heavy weekend for me. For fitness freaks a heavy weekend would mean lifting heavy weights at the gym. For the music types…a heavy weekend would mean hours of Led Zeppelin, Black Sabbath, Deep Purple, Blue Cheer etc. But for me…it just means a weekend when I was not able to sleep in the afternoons.

On Friday evening itself, I had to rush to the rescue of Dimple Kapadia. Apparently, she had gained weight for the movie Being Cyrus but couldn`t reduce it after the shooting was over. I started off by saying she should have only three idlies in the morning. I would have continued had not she spoiled my appetite by asking: “After breakfast or before breakfast?” By 9.30 p.m. on Friday, I was back home for three dosas and coconut chutney, which Rekha made for me. Ok, she made the call.

On Saturday morning, Michael Jackson woke me from sleep. He was calling from Bahrain, where he is currently staying. From the lack of clarity in the line, I guess it was the ten-minute long calls that all Malayalees use to call their friends/relatives. Having finished with all small boys in California, Jackson had decided to shutdown his Neverland Valley Ranch. Some 60 odd workers who have been serving him for decades will now be left without jobs. The entertainer wanted to know if he should retain the 60 odd workers for later. I replied: “If with age your taste will drift from small boys to old men, you should keep them as back up.”

At 1 p.m. I was at my dining table (wonder why they don`t call it the lunching table?) with a 7-course meal, which Rekha had cooked, spread before me. Remember, this is a satire site. Even before I could swallow my first morsel, I got a call from Meera Jasmine, the South Indian heartthrob. She was upset that she had a small moustache growing and wanted to end her life. I reached in time to stop her from applying the Anne French hair removal cream, just below her nose. A satisfied man came back home at 7 p.m. to have the meal my wife had cooked for him – here the ‘him` is me. Now, it was truly the dining table.

On Sunday, had it not been for an SMS by the National Award winning director, Madhur Bhandarkar, I would have slept till 8 a.m.. Bhandarkar, whom I had helped with the movie Page 3, now wanted my opinion on his new movie Corporate. Or that`s what I thought till I landed in his hotel room. If you are a girl, I would suggest you don`t land up in his hotel room. This is how the conversation went:

“Jammy, save me from Bipasha Basu!”

“Why? What happened?”

“We had a premier last evening, and Bips is pretty angry. She is sobbing, in the next room.”

“Gosh, what happened? Don`t tell me you did a Preeti Jain on her?

“Not again. Wouldn`t do that. This lady is upset that before the shooting for Corporate began, I had told her she had to be in a suit throughout the movie.”

“What is so bad about it?”

“Hold on…as planned, she was in a suit…just that while signing the call sheet, she had thought it would be a swim suit.”

I was getting impatient. This is the problem with moviewalas. They always have to give a background, then the characters, and then reveal the plot.

“So what is she saying now?”

“Since morning, she has been asking me to include at least one swimming pool scene. And this is a movie on Corporate life!”

“Ask her to wear her swim suit, jump into your bath tub…and you handle the camera work using your Sony Handycam.”

That seemed to sooth Bhandarkar`s nerves. I was back in my house by 6.30 p.m.. Apparently, Madhur Bhandarkar stuck to my advice and went on to film Bips. Check it out – Click Here!

By Jamshed V Rajan

Jammy, as Jamshed V Rajan is affectionately called, is a wannabe stand up comedian. He has a funny take on most things but documents only some of them. If you are interested in chatting up with him, do drop him an email at jv.rajan@gmail.com or message him at +919650080255.

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