Birth pangs

I was born by Caesarian. You can`t usually tell, but whenever I go out of the house, I take the window.
– Steven Martin

Today, I was telling my Reporting Manager (I use the word because it sounds less sinister than ‘boss`) that I wanted to have a baby. I mean not deliver…but be the father of a baby. She immediately said: “Good, that`s the first step.”

Now I realize…for men it is just the thought that needs to enter ones brain. But for the lady it is quite different. No wonder, all married men start respecting their wives after they have a kid. Unfortunately, the wives never come to know of this because once the kid is born, they cut loose their husbands. All focus shifts to the new born. Bigger babies are no longer cared for.

I am told the gynecologists don`t give anesthesia to the expecting mothers because it delays the delivery process and increases the danger for the yet-to-be-born. A few brave husbands make it to the Delivery room. Fewer still come out of the room by themselves.

I have heard stories of women who died delivering their babies. I think every other 1970s movie hero/heroine was orphaned because his/her mother died during the delivery. I am yet to meet one man who died during his child`s birth. If you are stupid, you might ask me, “How can you meet somebody who has already died during the birth of his child?” But seriously, I have this friend called Pawan Kalyan whose father died during his birth. Apparently, he was run over by the Ambulance carrying his mother to the hospital.

I recently read an article on childbirths, in the New England Journal of Medicine. I quote it as was: It is not just the mother who goes into a state of shock after the birth of her child. As soon as the child is born, on seeing a bunch of butt slapping, white-coat wearing human beings, the child also goes into a shock. And it is so bad that the poor kid doesn`t speak for more than one-and-half years. That is why, if we can automate the delivery process so that when the baby comes out there is nobody in the room, besides the mother, the child might just say: “Hello mom!”

Those were very profound words by the researcher. When last heard the Royal College of Surgeons in England was planning to automate the process.

But why are we talking England all the time? Is it because…it was Winston Churchill who said: “There is no finer investment for any community than putting milk into babies”?

By Jamshed V Rajan

Jammy, as Jamshed V Rajan is affectionately called, is a wannabe stand up comedian. He has a funny take on most things but documents only some of them. If you are interested in chatting up with him, do drop him an email at or message him at +919650080255.

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