Ouchmytoe.com

If you want to publish your articles in any website…http://www.useless-knowledge.com would be a good bet. It is easy, and is free.

While submitting your articles, you will be asked to give ‘Author Profile.’ Suggest, you include your blog url in your profile. Additional visitors wont hurt, would they? Also, the fact that one more website is linking to you will help in improve your Blog Rankings.

Here are two of my articles on the site –

Kissing: How It All Began

Traveling In An Auto-Rickshaw In India

I have a cool hairstyle (see my pic on this page). But not all are as lucky, like for example you. Ever seen yourself in the mirror? God forbid, but did you swoon and hit your temple on the ceramic sink and die?

Hairstyles are of many types. Some can be changed, some you have to live with. Laloo`s hairstyle for example is something you and I cannot change. We got to live with it. Or for that matter Dr. Condoleezza Rice`s hairstyle (Remember, she is America`s new Secretary of State). That`s something we cannot change because she stays in US of A, and we cannot send a barber from here in India. It would be too costly.

As for Leonardo Di Caprio, we don`t need to bother. He seems to be changing his hairstyle every other day. It seems his pets have stopped recognizing him. By the way, I heard that he is the great grandson of Leonardo Da Vince….is that true?

It all started with some old guy who had nothing else to do. He came out with the Serenity Prayer: “God give me the strength to change the things I can and accept the things I can’t and the wisdom to know the difference.” And we have lapped it up big time….falling for the old man`s trick. Now we try to change stuff that we can…for example our hairstyles.

For some people (esp ladies), having waist-length, thick straight hair and an oval face is not enough. They want to know if curling their hair would suit their oval face! How about getting a triangular face madam, would go very well with your long, straight hair.

For some people, change is automatic. Their hairstyles change automatically…coz of hair loss. Little do they know that the worth of a man is not decided by the mop of hair he/she has atop his/her head.

There was this colleague of mine who would ask me: “I have started losing hair in the front. It’s not receding, but thinning. You know anything I can do?”

“Big deal,” I said.

But he would not buy my argument….he insisted that it was a major concern and was even affecting his sexual life. When asked how, he would say: “Earlier, when I would crack jokes, girls would give me the looks…now they just turn and walk away.”

Another automatic change is from dry hair-to-oily hair. A neighbor once asked my mother: “When I shampoo, my hair become dry.”

“Obviously,” said my mom.

The neighbor would not let go…”But after four days time, my hair becomes oily again. I don`t apply oil at all.”

I wanted to barge in and suggest that she probably had an oil well in her head – something she could exploit for commercial gains, but I held myself.
My mother replied: “Change your shampoo. Maybe it takes away all the sebaceous oil your scalp produces. Start using a conditioner to keep your hair moist.” It was quite a profound answer.

The surprising thing is…the older you get the more concerned you are about your hair. And we thought…it was being Indian to give up all worldly possessions as you age. How many times, we have seen people whom we know are all grey…decked up as Dev Anands, thanks to Godrej hair dye? More recently…Garnier`s hair colors.

This Professor I have known since long had grey hair. Besides, the color he was also concerned about the thinning of his hair. And what did he do? At an age when he should be heading for Kasi and Banaras..he was visiting a state-of-the-art hairstylist in Chennai. Now he alternates between two brands of shampoo that his son brings from the US of A. The brands are ‘Silver` by L’Oreal and ‘Gray`, by American Crew.

As for the brown streaks and purple coloring…I am not even uttering a word!

After reading this, you would probably wonder how I managed to get four jobs in the last seven years. But as they say, destiny sure plays a hand.

Like all those misguided-missiles-tipped-with-truckloads-of-shit, that one saw on college campus in the early nineties, I also wanted to do an MBA. I had the perfect launch pad – a BA in Economics. Now, all I needed to do was pass CAT.

Maybe…I would have passed it. Or maybe not. But as luck would have it, I ended up trading a seat in Indian Institute of Management, Ahmedabad (IIMA) for one Chikken Briyani, one plate of Chicken Butter Masala and one tank-full of petrol. Quite a deal.

I once had a friend called JP Dennis. Quite a guy. Over the years, we have fallen apart but we sure had some fun together. He wanted to start earning as soon as possible. Thanks to him, I also wanted to be independent….

Soon my MBA aspirations went down the drain, and we would embark on our first interview together. Company`s name: American Remedies. Designation: Medical Representative. Job: Selling Drugs.

The interview was scheduled for God-knows-when and the venue was Hotel Ramyas in Tirchy – a city three hours drive from Madurai.

Only the day before, my father had given me money to apply for CAT. That is the reason why I blame my father for me not being a Management guy today.

My decision changed my life forever. Instead of being in a Bank applying for CAT, I was on my way to Tirchy on Dennis` Hero Honda Splendor – the master bike of the early 90s. In those days, if you had a Splendor…you had arrived.

After topping the tank, we embarked on our first interview together. For lunch we stopped at a Dhaba. Here is where, I would finish off my ‘CAT money` on a plate of Chicken Briyani and Chicken Butter Masala each.

We reached Tirchy with maybe fifty bucks in our pockets. Tired, but excited. Dirty but determined.

We rushed to the Tirchy Railway junction, bought a platform ticket, sneaked into the 2nd class waiting room, and had a nice wash. Dressing-up took a while, for we had to borrow combs from suspecting passengers….and steal face cream when the ladies were not looking.

We were quite a sight, emerging out of the washrooms freshly dressed in light colored shirts, dark trousers…and a matching tie to go with it.

Dennis got selected for the next round. He was a BSc Physics graduate and American Remedies encouraged science grads. But they eyed Humanities students (read lesser mortals) with suspicion. Here is how the interview went –

Interviewer: Why would you want to work as a Medical Representative after studying BA Economics?

Me: My friend asked me to accompany him to Tirchy for the interview. And he convinced me real hard.

Interviewer: You seem to have studied science in 12th. Why then did you shift?
Me: I got inspired by Dr Manmohan Singh, our Finance Minister (then, he was the FM).

Interviewer: Of all the science subjects, which was your favourite?
Me: Biology.

Interviewer: Why?
Me: I had a nice, pretty teacher.

Interviewer: You have to memorize a lot to work as a Medical Rep. Would you be able to?
Me: Yes, I can. In fact, they used to call me ‘The Mugger` in school and college. How do you think I got such good grades?

I knew I had answered all the questions right. But the Interviewer seemed confused. He discussed something with a person sitting next to him, and then spoke to me.

“Who is this friend of yours you came along with?” He asked.

“Dennis ….JP. He got selected to the next round. Why do you ask sir?”

“No …nothing…” was his only reply. And then he motioned me to leave. I knew I had struck the right chord, and had been selected.

After spending a few hours in the Hotel lobby, they announced the names of the people who were selected. Surprisingly, our names did not figure. So much so, Dennis` who had been told that he was selected for the next round found his name missing.

Dennis was pretty disappointed. Being a good friend, I did not want to remind him of American Remedies again…so never told him how my interview went. To this day…I wonder why his name was struck off the list of selected candidates.

Don’t know if you have read this before…but it is awesome stuff. Came as a forward from a friend.

A Worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: “Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?”

The survey was a huge failure.

The reason: In Africa they didn’t know what ‘food’ meant, In India they didn’t know what ‘honest’ meant, In Europe they didn’t know what ‘shortage’ meant, In China they didn’t know what ‘opinion’ meant, In the Middle East they didn’t know what ‘solution’ meant, In South America they didn’t know what ‘please’ meant, And in the USA they didn’t know what ‘the rest of the world’ meant!!

Ever traveled in an auto-rickshaw in Chennai? Or for that matter anywhere in India? If your answer is a big ‘No,` chances are you have not indulged in various other adventures too – like bungee jumping, demolition derby (a sport where you smash each other`s cars till the last car is in running condition), shark hunting and meteor chasing.

You sure like to be in your comfort zone. Don`t you? Unlike your majesty, I am quite an adventurer. Perhaps, I get it from Ferdinand Magellan, the greatest adventurer of them all. He was the first man to circumnavigate the globe, way back in 1519-22.

You probably wonder, how Magellan and I are related. That is our family secret…..and anyways it happened way back in 1505 B.C., when the Portuguese traveler was learning seamanship under the Portuguese Viceroys, then based in India. Over the years, my family has forgotten the details…but we know for sure that we are adventurers. We travel in auto-rickshaws.

My last trip was from the Chennai railway station (Central) to Velachery (my home). It was quite an eventful journey.

Before the bargaining began I had to convince the auto driver that I have been in Chennai for the last 5 years and know how it works. Once he was convinced, the actual bargaining began. Eventually, he would agree for Rs 120 (about 2 ½ dollars). I lost half a pound during the negotiation process.

If I thought bargaining was the difficult part…I was in for a surprise. For those who have never seen an auto-rickshaw before, it is a three-wheeler. It can accelerate like a Ferrari and swerve like a fighter-plane.

The vehicle is designed with one driver and two passengers in mind. But more often than not, it is three passengers. The passenger sitting in the center is safe, unless the auto topples over. But the passengers sitting on the sides can get thrown out of the vehicle, whenever the auto driver wants.

Am glad, the payment is always made at the end of the journey. Else, all the driver had to do was take a right/left turn… sharp enough for me to fall off the auto, and look for another dumb-F&^%.

Mine was quite a sound auto. It would have put a Lamborghini to shame. The smoke emitted by a textile mill (which we passed on the way) paled in comparison to my auto`s emission potential. As an icing on the cake, the vehicle parts shook suggesting they could fall off any moment.

Not everything about the Auto was scary. The driver had pictures of Mecca, Lord Rama and Jesus Christ. He was quite a religious fellow. There was one issue though…he had pasted the pictures on his wind screen and I wondered how he would see the road. Perhaps he was not able to see the road, or maybe it was his faith in God…but he was very reckless. Either ways, I was holding on strongly. For the uninitiated, autos don`t have any doors and if you are looking for an honorable exit…..no Sir….you are going to be disappointed.

There was consolation in the dry lemon and three red chilies that were hanging from his ‘interior` rearview mirror. I remember my mother telling me that if a lemon was hung from any vehicle, the chances of an accident were drastically reduced. Thanks to the lemon, my journey was safe.

I intend to deviate from my family tradition of being adventurous and plan to hire a Taxi next time.

Well, at least they look like something dogs would be proud of wearing around their necks. The employers of today are smarter. They issue dog collars to their employees to show who the master is.

Exactly how a dog owner names his pets with cute names like Bingo, Rocky, Lucky, Puppy, Brandy, Ginger, Taffy, Sam, Samantha, Bear, Maggie, Buddy or Chelsea, the employers also name us…Executive, Senior Executive, Team Leader, Project Leader, Manager etc…and asks us to sport a dog collar around our necks. By the way, did you know that some Democrats, who hate the US President, have named their dogs ‘Bush`, and kick them where it hurts at least once a day?

Coming back to where we were, haven`t we seen hundreds of employees wearing their identity cards around their necks? That`s what I would call a dog collar. After all, it has the address of the owner (address of your company)…and acts like a license.

If you own one, you are no longer the stray dog. You have a job…and you have a home to stay. Just like a domesticated dog.

A dog will wag its tail on seeing its owner, while the employee in us…would do the same on seeing the boss.

Have you ever taken your pet for a walk? There is a very good chance that the stray dogs will bark at your dog and when you are not watching, might even snap at him/her. The same happens in the world of men/women too. If you have a job…and as a result an ID card around your neck….it makes an unemployed very upset. Sometimes, he/she expresses his unhappiness. A friend of mine did.

“Can`t you keep your ID card in your bag? You can take it out when you reach your office?” An unemployed friend asked.

“It is kind of laborious. Taking it out every time I have to use it, that`s why I hang it around my neck,” I said.

“Ever thought of people like us, who don`t have an ID card to show off?” I could see the sorrow in him swell up and reach his eyes and then fall down in the form of tear drops. He was sobbing.

It took me a while to control him, and tell him that these ID cards are not something we are proud of having around our necks. But he would not listen. This had happened a few months back.

A few days back this friend got a job with Hewlett-Packard. And today morning he walks up to me and says: “Hey, now I also have an ID card that I can wear around my neck!”

All I could say was: “Welcome to the kennel!”

Ok..Ok…this tip is only for those who missed watching Sun TV, BBC, CNN & Aaj Tak last evening…and for those that didn’t read the Washinton Post, The Hindu, The Times of India, Malayalam Manorama and The Guardian, today morning.

Try searching for ‘Best Indian Funny Blog’ on Google . If you choose “Pages from India” OUCHMYTOE will be the first result. And if you choose “The Web” this blog will be the third result. Now, thats something huh?

Am I a proud F$%^#* or what?

Another not so important tip: When somebody searches for “where can I find call girls in Chennai” OUCHMYTOE appears on the 10th page!

Now we know…Google’s page search logic is not fool-proof!