If you have been planning to quit your high-paying job and take up baby sitting as a profession, I suggest you think again. Baby sitting isn`t that easy.
Most of us have grown up watching beautiful and sexy baby sitters. If you haven`t seen a beautiful baby sitter….you probably have not watched much of Hollywood movies or haven`t rented C-grade porn VCDs from the nearby video store.
During our days of sex-deprivation, we would wait for one of the classmates` parents to go out of town….and then look for a guy who had mustache big & dense enough to pass off as an adult. He would then be tutored and sent to the VCD store to act like a man and rent porn VCD. The poor guy would choose between titles like: “The Apple & the Worm” or “Youthful Fire” or “My Tutor” or “When We Met” (this movie was re-made in Hindi without the porn(y) scenes and named ‘Jab We Met`) or “Soft Touches” or “101 days of Slavery”.
Anyway, I wouldn`t go into the details of how we watched porn in the 90s because today`s kids know it better. What was back then a community exercise, is now a lonely pastime.
As I was saying, baby sitting is a tough profession. I know because I baby sat my 10-month-old daughter for four hours, this Saturday. Eventually, she won.
Rekha went to the beauty parlor for straightening her hair and I was left taking care of Rhea. The first ten minutes were like heaven. I had Rhea to myself and we were great pals. So much so, she even let me share a part of her lunch – four spoons of Cerelac mixed with milk.
Here is a blow-by-blow account of how the four hours went:
Feb 9, 1 p.m.:
Rhea seems to be friendly. Was Rekha lying to me about Rhea being a naughty child? Wonder if Rhea will grow up to be like her father – a very docile person. If only I can get silicon implants, I can ask Rekha to visit her mother`s place for a week and keep the baby with me.
Feb 9, 2.10 p.m.:
Why is Rhea going to the kitchen? Does she want water to drink? Do babies drink water out of the glass or like cats do they prefer drinking from saucers? Why is she hitting on the floor and crying? Follow her around in stealth mode and get to understand her better. After all, fathers and daughters are expected to gel well.
Feb 9, 2.55 p.m.:
Quick…pick her up and stop her from crying. Show her the toy ‘blue bus` that she is so fond of. What the hell…does the fondness of a toy change with time? Will taking her to the balcony help? Can babies be taken out for walks? What if she cried….would the outsiders think I was kidnapping the baby? I am sure she wouldn`t say a word to save me!
Feb 9, 3.35 p.m.:
Will she like Amul Star Voice if India`s Chote Ustad program? After all, it is all kids. Or would she prefer to watch the 18765th re-telecast of Sachin Tendulkar`s century at Lords? Oops! Didn`t know there were other uses of the TV Remote – biting & licking for instance.
Feb 9, 4.00 p.m.:
How do I cook something to eat? While the stomach growls, the mind says that any attempt to keep the baby on the floor will only invite Rapid Action Force (which is now in Mumbai, trying to protect Raj Thackrey). The apron pocket is too big for the ladle and too small for the baby. Wonder at what stage Kangaroos ask their babies to leave their pockets.
Feb 9, 4.40 p.m.:
It turns out my daughter doesn`t love me as much. All she was after was the zip of the black sweater I was wearing – and it is now broken. Besides, from 4.40 p.m. to 5.30 p.m. she kept on saying “Amma” “Amma.” I tried to find out the language, but couldn`t decide whether it was Tamil (The Father`s Tongue) or Malayalam (The Mother`s Tongue).
Feb 9, 5.30 p.m.:
Now have to tonsure my head at Tirupati. I had prayed to Lord Venkateshwara that I would tonsure my head at his door steps if my daughter stopped crying. As luck would have it…she stopped the moment she saw her mother.