When I was no longer “cute” for the women

Barbers & Their Tricks

I now have very closely cropped hair. Only because my barber didn`t having Rs 10 to give back.

He asked me for Rs 40, for a close enough cut. I handed him a fifty rupees note and waited for him to give back the change. The deft barber – I know for only a few minutes back he had tried to sell medicinal oil from Kerala which would make my hair grow like Jack`s magical beans – looked in his cash box for long before saying he didn`t have Rs 10 to give me. He meant business.

“Now, what?” I asked.

“I can give you a shave.” The barber replied. He had a glint in his eyes, which roughly translated meant “MONEY”.

“No…I don`t want a shave. I had one only this morning. Can you give me a massage?”

“Massage for ten bucks? I didn`t accidentally cut the blood supply to your brains or did I?”

Saloon Business

We continued our argument before the barber came up with a classic offer. He said he could compensate by cutting my hair ‘shortest` so that I wouldn`t have to spend money on my haircut for another two months. I agreed because initially I had only requested for ‘shorter`. Now we were going for ‘shortest`.

Before you agree to such a deal with your barber, let me warn you it is a dangerous thing to do. People around you look at you as if you were an anti-social element. The movie directors of the 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s and the 90s…should be blamed for this. In all movies their villains had to be abnormal and what inexpensive way to stand out than by tonsuring the villain`s head? There was no risk either – the hair would grow back again.

Hair – Part Of The Body That Grows Back

Now, you know why there is such a huge line of devotees in front of Tirupathi`s tonsuring center. I am yet to meet a person who stood in front of Tirupathi (or any other temple) and said: “Wow…am so happy…I am going to sacrifice my right arm today. It was something my mother promised when I was sick and everybody thought I was going to die but I lived on.”

At this juncture, let me state that I believe in God and will soon be having a tonsuring ceremony for my daughter (and might have one for myself too, for I have heard it works out cheaper!).

Scaring Away the Clients of Indian Railways

Right now I am in a train – on my way back from Kerala and thanks to this stereotyping of the villains (remember the bad man ‘Shetty`…who always died in the climax because the hero pulled out a live wire and placed it on his bald/tonsured head)…two young girls (and their pretty mother) have been regarding me with suspicion.

When the Traveling Ticket Examiner came, I heard the mother whisper to the TTE: “Can you move that dangerous looking man to another compartment please? My daughters are scared.”

I dug deeper into my book but continued to eavesdrop. The TTE said: “What? Him? He seems to be only 4 feet tall and you are scared of him?”

“Yeah. I won`t be able to close my eyes if this man (at this time she was pointing at me) is sitting so close to my daughters.”

The TTE seemed to be a determined person. He said: “Do you realize that your younger daughter – the one you say is eight years old – is taller than him?”

I swallowed the insult with a dose of PG Wodehouse (that`s what I was reading) and continued to listen. Luckily there was no more talk of my height. After the TTE left, I smiled at the lady and she smiled back. Looked like the smile I would give a class X bully. I didn`t pursue the case. No man worth his salt can ever get angry on a pretty lady. Even if she is a mother of two.

Nothing much happened thereafter…but I still think the movie directors should try out different types of villains – like the one-handed one, the one-legged one…and the one with no large intestines.

Till then, I pity all the Peters of the World. Wasn`t that the name of all the villains` right hand men? Remember: “Peter, mujhe who chahiye… zinda ya murda.”

*I tried to look really scary while the photographs were snapped. You have to tell me if I succeeded.

Other Funny Stories

# Enrolling for driving lessons can be a crime
# My trip to Hyderabad
# Home alone for Jammy
# My wife wins. Again
# I love you, my dear wife

20 thoughts on “When I was no longer “cute” for the women

  1. JV… Most deals are like that… Value for Money is proportional to the quality. Pay more , get a medium cut and look like a hero. Pay less, look like a prison inmate and say bye bye to all your girlfriends. Even your best friends feel you must be a chepo!.

    Have you seen guys giving tips to a barber and the best I have seen is in JW Marriot – Mumbai where the tip ranges from 50 to 100. Sure would go to a tirupatti and get my head shaved off probably four to five times.

    Here are some statitistics released by Indian statistics institute of Kolkata.

    Tirupati Mottai – You must be a play doll for your friends. Often rolling their fingers on your mottai and enjoying your bald hear. Your girlfriends must think you have lost your youth and thats bye bye!

    Miltary cut – Most of your friends will start calling you a “major”. You are termed to be strong and adamant and that does not go well with ladies!.

    Chennai Summer crop – Most people feel you must be a school guy with not much funds out there!

    Get a medium cut – you start entering into some decency scene. People feel you are matured and respect you. However they feel you dont have the time to take care of your hair and are termed to be a workaholic

    The kewl cuts – mushroom, step,v cut and so on…. you are a prince and are trying to keep up with the trend

    Have long hair or a pony tail – Maturing to be a sexy person and will make it into the good styles.

    So you see spending a hour at the barber shop where the barber cuts no hair is considered to be a class art and thats what getting a hair cut at 5 star hotels is all about!

  2. Jammy. another of humorous post of your. Its been a great way to start my day with a dose of your blog. You succeeded in pictures. (It was me who got scared after looking at your pics.)

  3. looks like a still from Close Circuit Camera footage they show, of a suspect after plane hijacking, or train bombing.

  4. There is a temple for Sri Balaji at Gunaseelam. We visit the temple once in a while. inmates of Gunaseelam look typically like this…I didnt mean you have escaped from there…Just remebered

  5. Arrypotter: Man…you came up with a blog post instead of a comment…really appreciate your commitment.

    Talking of being chepo…I dont think you need a haircut like this to be called Cheapo…talk to all the girls I have gone out with (and that wud be 2!)…and you will know who is a cheapo.

    BTW…where is this Indian Statistical Institute of Kolkata?

  6. The Abru: When the pictures were in color…I didnt get the sinister feel to it…it was only after I made them black and white did they satrt looking scary.

    Out of prison? Ah!

  7. Santosh: Thanks man for the compliment. Will soon have a hard copy delivered to your house to be read with early morning tea. How much i wish!

    And hey…don’t be scared…it is your four feet tall friend…nobody dangerous

  8. WrongOne: ha ha ha
    Just that none of the terrorists stare like that at the CC camera. I would prefer a train highjack than a plane highjack..any day for the simple reason that there would be no air-hostesses to distract me…

  9. uma: …for all you know I could have escaped from there. But what do you think explains your ‘mad rush’ when you read ouchmytoe? From one mad man to another? 😉

  10. i got my own sob-story to share….my scissor-happy barber saw hair in my nostrils…and tried to chop them off…and the bloody scissors…..the barber was old and so were the scissors….not too sharp they both were!! a single strand of nose hair got stuck in the scissors…..and this dude pulled the frickin scissors outta my nose..and owwwowwoww….it pulled the hair out!!!

    now if anybody reading this had had a nosehair pulled, he/she would know what i went through….and now, my nosehair is longer than my french beard!!!! it luks weird..but hey…its not worth the agony that can result bcos of a improper hair pull 🙂

  11. U do LOOK SCARY!!!!!
    Dont show this pic to ur Daughter…Ur wife might scare ur kid telling sleep beta nahi tho daddy with shortest hair will come!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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