If you know a pretty girl, you have already got yourself a bomb. Those of us who aren’t blessed with a pretty gal (believe me….some of us aren’t…why else would we go after 72 virgins after death)…will have to make our own bomb.
Making a bomb is easy. There are five steps involved in making a bomb.
a) Deciding that you HAVE to make a bomb
b) Deciding the target you want to blow up
c) Getting the raw materials to make the bomb
d) Transporting it to the blast location (not required if you own a launch system)
e) Triggering the Blast
Let us take them one by one.
Before we start, let me tell you that bomb making is no child’s play. So, take a deep breath and think…was your father killed by the Government? Was your mother maimed by the Government? Did you lose your job at the college? Did the class bully insult you in front of the class? Is somebody destroying the Earth’s environment and he is too powerful to be stopped? Are you the bad guy in a James Bond movie? Were you put in jail by the country’s stupid legal system and were sodomised inside the jail? Is your religion better than somebody else’s?
If your answer to any of these questions was ‘Yes’ you have the right to make a bomb, and blast the offenders off the face of the Earth. After all, they didn’t care about you.
Now that cause and consequence have been decided, lets move on to deciding the target for your blast.
Deciding the target is a key element in bomb making, for it decides how big a bomb you should be building. US President Obama’s needs are huge and that’s why he builds bombs that can wipe out whole countries. Do you want to wipe out a whole country, a province, a city, a university campus, somebody’s house or an individual?
Remember, if you are a suicide bomber you still need a target. You can be the epicenter of the bomb blast…but you definitely need a target. If you are a suicide bomber I would also strongly urge you to not indulge in dress rehearsals.
Once you have decided the target for your bomb, you now know how big or effective a bomb you need to build. So, lets move on to getting the raw materials to make the bomb.
Remember there are four parts to a bomb – Ignition coil, the blast material, the ‘injurers’ and the casing in which all of this will be fitted. I will explain what ‘injurers’ are a little later. For now let us try and procure the casing first – from personal experience I can tell you that pumpkins & watermelons don’t act as good casings because they tend to be damp and neutralize the blast material. An empty Horlicks bottle also doesn’t appear to be a good casing choice because the blast material is then visible to everybody. Similarly, a CPU or an empty shoebox doesn’t qualify as good casing choice. I would strongly recommend a wodden box like the one used successfully by Ted Kaczynski for 18 long years. Wondering who Ted Kaczynski was – well, remember UnaBomber?. If you want to play your own secret joke…get it made by a coffin maker.
Now for the blast material – first advice, never buy Gun Powder from your Hyderabadi friend…for the gun powder he will give you can only be used while eating Idlis and dosas and is capable of burning only your rectum. I would recommend you speak to some of your friends who live in the Red Corridor (see map below). Even if they don’t know themselves they will be able to guide you to the neighborhood friendly Naxalite they know.
Blast material can also be obtained from the scrap dealers in your city. The idea is to identify the scrap dealer buying scrap from leading science laboratories, who might have inadvertently bought Uranium-235, Plutonium-239 or other blast materials like nitroglycerine or grain dust from the labs.
If you are on first name basis with leading lights of the country like Dawood Ibrahim or Chota Rajan, they might also source it for you. If you can convince them that you are targeting a city and not just a university campus, they might even provide you the blast material
Now that you have got your blast material, you need to work on the ignition of this blast material.
Mind you igniting a bomb makes all the difference….you could have a bomb, you could have placed it at the right spot but if you can’t ignite it…it is as useful as a lipstick on a man’s lips (unless your partner, who also happens to be a man, is coming home early).
Ignition of a bomb can be done in two ways…you could light a fuse and wait for it to reach the bomb (as Amitabh, Dharmendra and Rajini have done in so many movies) or you could remote detonate it. I always use my mobile to remote detonate my bombs – it allows me time to move to a safe place, and also helps me record the date and time of the bomb blasts I have made. Whenever someone asks me, ‘So, how many bombs have you blasted till date?” I only have to go to the call register on my mobile and count. So, go get a good mobile phone to start igniting your bombs from a safe distance.
Now that you have a bomb casing in place, you have the blast material and you also have ignition methodology….you need in place the last ingredient for your bomb: The Injurers. “Injurers” are items that bomb makers put inside their bombs to injure the victims beyond repair. If you are the psycho type and prefer to hurt your victims mentally – you can write insults in pieces of paper so that after a victim is injured and is lying on the bomb blast site waiting for the ambulance…he/she can pick up & read your insults. If you aren’t a psycho bomber…but are clear minded about your approach, you might want to put in items like ball bearings, drawing pins, and other sharp objects to extend the effectiveness of your bomb. The more the ‘injurers’ the more quality footage the TV crews will get when they arrive at the scene, so for the TV crews sake…always include ‘injurers’ in your bomb.
If you are Obama or Osama and are reading this, you can skip this section because you already own extensive launch systems to launch your bombs. All others may continue reading. Transporting a bomb to the blast location can be tricky. But don’t panic yet…in the bomb making industry it the big guys who have to worry while transporting. If your blast site is a desert and your bomb is nuclear…you need to have a plan in place to hoodwink the US satellites, else you can chill.
You can use a cheap looking bag to transport your bomb (don’t get a costly Nike or Adidas bag for they are known to be stolen quickly from the spot and taken away from the intended target. Esp in India). To avoid cases where by the time you reach the blast site, the bomb explodes…ensure you have a spare bomb in the bag as well.
Make sure to travel by public transport – the more crowded, the better. Bombs transported by private transport can be dangerous especially if you had a lot of beans the previous day and are releasing a lot of methane inside the car. If methane can trigger a small blast inside your stomach rest assured it is capable of triggering one inside your car as well.
Let us say you transported the bomb to the blast site, now the question is to trigger the blast without you being a part of the blast. Obviously, if you are a suicide bomber you can skip reading this and go and trigger the bomb using a box of matches. If you aren’t a suicide bomber, I would guess you already have your mobile phone using which you can call a receiver packed inside the bomb casing & trigger the blast.
I would recommend an iPhone for your blast. Very good call quality and excellent touch screen for that stylish finish. Besides, at the rate developers are building applications for iPhones (there are 2.5 lakh of apps available for download as of 2nd Oct 2010)…I am sure soon somebody will make a ‘Detonate your bombs’ app.
*Just in case you didn’t realize, I was being sarcastic. Please don’t make a bomb, at home, in college or at office. It is dangerous.