If you know a pretty girl, you have already got yourself a bomb. Those of us who aren’t blessed with a pretty gal (believe me, some of us aren’t and that is why we go after 72 virgins after death) will have to make our own bomb.
Making a bomb is easy. You can make it using household items – the ingredients will depend on how you want your bomb to be. A remote controlled bomb? A small bomb? A Big bomb? What will it be? OK, why am I jumping the gun here…read on.
Five steps to making a powerful bomb
STEP 1: Deciding to make a bomb
STEP 2: Deciding the target to blow up
STEP 3: Getting raw materials to make bomb
STEP 4: Transporting bomb to the blast location (not required if you own a launch system)
STEP 5: Triggering the bomb blast
Let us take them on one by one.
Deciding to make a bomb
Before we start, let me tell you that bomb making is no child’s play. So, take a deep breath and think: was your father not given a Government job? Did your mother not get her vaccination on time? Did you lose your job at the college? Did the class bully insult you in front of the whole class? Is somebody parking their car in your parking slot? Did you get asylum in a European country ten years back and still haven’t been able to come to terms with the change? Are you the bad guy in a James Bond movie? Or do you think your religion better than your neighbours?
If your answer to any of these questions was ‘Yes’ you have the right to make a bomb, and blast the offenders off the face of the Earth. After all, they didn’t care about you.
Now that cause and consequence have been decided, lets move on to deciding the target for your blast.
Deciding the target to blow up
Deciding the target is a key element in bomb making, for it decides how big a bomb you should be building. US President Donald Trump’s needs are ‘yuge’ and that’s why he builds bombs that can wipe out whole countries. The question to ask yourself while building a bomb is: Do I want to wipe out a whole country, a province, a city, a university campus, somebody’s house or an individual?
Remember, if you are a suicide bomber you still need a target. You can be the epicenter of the bomb blast but you definitely need a target. If you are a suicide bomber I would also strongly urge you to not indulge in dress rehearsals.
Once you have decided the target for your bomb, you will have a fair idea of how big or effective a bomb you will need to make. Let us move on to getting the raw materials to make the bomb.
Getting raw materials to build bomb
Remember there are four parts to a bomb – Ignition coil, the blast material, the ‘injurers’ and the casing in which all of this will be fitted. I will explain what ‘injurers’ are a little later. For now let us try and procure the casing first – from personal experience I can tell you that pumpkins & watermelons don’t act as good casings because they tend to be damp and neutralize the blast material. An empty Horlicks bottle also doesn’t appear to be a good casing choice because the blast material is then visible to everybody. Similarly, a CPU or an empty shoebox doesn’t qualify as good casing choice. I would strongly recommend a wodden box like the one used successfully by Ted Kaczynski for 18 long years. Wondering who Ted Kaczynski was – well, remember UnaBomber?. If you want to play your own secret joke, get your casing made by a coffin maker.
Now for the blast material – first advice, if your Indian friend says they can give you gun powder, don’t go for it. That is not real gun powder – it is just some chilli powder Indians use to eat their idlis and dosas with and it will be useless in this bomb making exercise of yours which is bound to show the world how cool you are. However, if your Indian friend lives near the Red Corridor, I would recommend you speak to them about bombs. Even if they don’t know themselves they will be able to guide you to the neighborhood friendly naxalite they know.
Blast material can also be obtained from the scrap dealers in your city. The idea is to identify the scrap dealer buying scrap from leading science laboratories, who might have inadvertently bought Uranium-235, Plutonium-239 or other blast materials like nitroglycerine or grain dust from the labs.
If you are on first name basis with leading lights of your country – mafia lords, corrupt politicians, defence dealers etc – they might also source it for you. If you can convince them that you are targeting a city and not just a university campus, they might even provide you the whole bomb.
Now that you have got your blast material, you need to work on the ignition of this blast material.
Mind you igniting a bomb makes all the difference. You could have a bomb, you could have placed it at the right spot but if you can’t ignite it it is as useful as a lipstick on a man’s lips (unless your partner, who also happens to be a man, is coming home early).
Ignition of a bomb can be done in two ways – you can light a fuse and wait for it to reach the bomb (as some many 70s heros have done in Hollywood and Bollywood movies) or you could remote detonate it. I always use my mobile to remote detonate my bombs – it allows me time to move to a safe place, and also helps me record the date and time of the bomb blasts I have made. Whenever someone asks me, ‘So, how many bombs have you blasted till date?” I only have to go to the call register on my mobile and count. I strongly recommend getting a mobile phone to ignite your bombs from a safe distance. What is a smart phone if it can’t help blast a bomb?
Now that you have a bomb casing in place, you have the blast material and you also have ignition methodology you need in place the last ingredient for your bomb: The Injurers.
“Injurers” are items that bomb makers put inside their bombs to injure the victims beyond repair. If you are the psycho type and prefer to hurt your victims mentally – you can write insults in pieces of paper so that after a victim is injured and is lying on the bomb blast site waiting for the ambulance he/she can pick up & read your insults. If you aren’t a psycho bomber but are clear minded about your approach, you might want to put in items like ball bearings, drawing pins, and other sharp objects to extend the effectiveness of your bomb. The more the ‘injurers’ the more quality footage the TV crews will get when they arrive at the scene, so for the TV crews sake always include ‘injurers’ in your bomb.
Transporting bomb to the blast location
If you are Donald Trump or Kim Jong-un and are reading this, you can skip this section because you already own extensive launch systems to launch your bombs. All others may continue reading. Transporting a bomb to the blast location can be tricky. But don’t panic yet in the bomb making industry it is the really big guys who have to worry about transportation. If your blast site is a desert and your bomb is nuclear you need to have a plan in place to hoodwink the US satellites, else you can chill.
You can use a cheap looking bag to transport your bomb (don’t get a costly Nike or Adidas bag for they are known to be stolen quickly from the spot and taken away from the intended target). To avoid cases where by the time you reach the blast site, the bomb explodes ensure you have a spare bomb in the bag as well.
Make sure to travel by public transport – the more crowded it is, the better. Bombs transported by private transport can be dangerous especially if you had a lot of beans the previous day and are releasing a lot of nitrogen, carbon dioxide and hydrogen in the name of farting.
Triggering the bomb blast
Once you transport the bomb to the blast site, the trick is to trigger the blast without you being a part of the blast. Obviously, if you are a suicide bomber you can skip reading this and go and trigger the bomb using a box of matches. If you aren’t a suicide bomber, I would guess you already have your mobile phone using which you can call a receiver packed inside the bomb casing & trigger the blast.
I would recommend an iPhone for blasting your bomb. Very good call quality and excellent touch screen for that stylish finish.
*Just in case you didn’t realize, I was being sarcastic. Please don’t make a bomb, at home, in college or at office. Whatever you believe in, a bomb is never the solution.