Yesterday, I had a mail in my Gmail inbox which had an interesting subject: “Jammy, you stole my sleep”. My immediate reaction was, “Has the mail come from a girl or a boy?” I checked…and it had come from Viji – in all probability a south Indian (pretty!) girl.
I started reading, thinking it was a digital love letter. Unfortunately, it was not. Instead it was a mail written in the form of a story, detailing how Ouchmytoe has a negative impact on its readers.
The mail is being reproduced as is (with all the Grammar & spelling mistakes!). I hope Viji doesn`t mind. Warning: It is a very long mail.
The Fan Mail:
One of my friend and colleague recently suggested Ouchmytoe. Like all his usual suggestions this was very good too. From then on most of the days I found myself visiting it 10 minutes before I left for home and reading a couple of posts. This eased the day’s pressures at office (if there were any).
Incidentally, the post I read on Sep 6th, 2006, which was chosen at random from the archives – that has become a usual practice these days – was about Jammy and Rekha`s Wedding. As I was heading home I thought I should probably write to Jammy and wish the couple on their wedding anniversary. That way, I appreciate this coincidence of my random choice of post that told me about their wedding day and God, its just couple of days ahead – Fine, it doesn’t costs to wish anyone- I thought I would write to him the next day.
I wrote a mail to Jammy wishing him formally the next day and it was over. Latter that day in the middle of the night, my phone rang and the call was from an unfamiliar number. As I managed to say “hello” in a sleepy tone the voice on the other side literally woke me up so well that I sat up. Earlier in the day, I had heard this voice – it was my Manager’s counterpart who demanded a review of my presentation – that same hoarse threatening voice, but it said ‘Hi- Jammy here – Thanks for your wishes’.
I was taken aback. How could Jammy know my number and the STD code – oops!…cell phones doesn’t need STD codes! It was surprising. We spoke formally and hung up. Minutes later I got another call, this time from a different number but it was Jammy again. He said he wanted to treat me for my wishes and I gently denied and the call was over too. I never thought Jammy goes out of the way and pleases his readers.
It was more annoying than shocking when Jammy called again from yet another number and said he had already sent a gift through post. God, how on earth could he trace my PG address too? This time I decided to be ruder and told him, ‘Look Jammy! Probably no one has ever wished you, but you should know how to react – not like this in the middle of the night”.
His voice became hoarser and he said “Rekha too is involved in this “and hung up.
I was scared. “What a mess I had created by wishing Jammy? ”
With this my maid servant came to me and said I have visitors waiting for me in the living room. I just said I would join soon and asked her to leave. The moment she left I realized asked myself, “From when did I have a maid servant for myself….and who is this lady”
The phone rang again and this time it was “Vampire calling….” I started to sweat coz I didn`t have any vampire`s phone number listed on my phone. My head started to swirl and I realized something was seriously going wrong.
I was going crazy letting strangers inside my house…I had lost the power to think. I answered the call and it was Jammy again – he just said he was on the way to my house. Apparently he wanted to meet me.
Now everything was clear. Jammy was a leech in disguise. He traced Ouchmytoe readers and attacked them for his everyday blood thirst. Unfortunately, on today`s menu it was me.
I realized I had made horrible mistake by suggesting Ouchmytoe to some of my friends.
He had mentioned in the previous call that Rekha is involved too. This meant Rekha was one too. And if the maid servant was one of theirs, I was in a trap!
One thing wasn`t clear…did Jammy do this to every reader or just to people who try to contact him?
My heart started beating faster and I felt a chill. I couldn’t exactly decide on my next reaction.
When I was wondering what else to do, the maid servant came again and I blindly followed her to the living room. I tried to say something but my mouth was dry.
Fortunately they were all familiar faces. My living room was full of my colleagues…and I was happy for a moment. Probably the maid servant was a God sent force to save me from this vampire world. They said they had come to meet Hari, my 2-year-old nephew.
By now, I had completely forgotten about Jammy the vampire.
I told my colleagues that Hari was at home and not staying with me at my PG. I hadn`t even finished the sentence, when I heard a postman shouting my name outside the house. Since when did postmen start visiting in the middle of the night?
I went out to meet him, and as soon as I saw him I realized he could be Jammy`s man. But it was too late for the postman in red and white uniform had placed his hand around my neck. There was no escape and I was shrieking in pain and fear but nobody inside the living room heard it. Somehow, I managed to free myself and ran miles and miles. After what seemed like hours, I was inside my living room.
My troubles weren`t over yet, for now everybody inside the living room were postmen in the same red and white uniform. I kept running madly…trying to escape them…and in fear my legs were not taking me where they were supposed to.
While I was running away, I heard one of the postman mention Hari`s name – so there is a plot laid for him too!
“I should somehow protect his life,” I told myself.
When I turned, I saw one of the postmen going for Hari…I didn`t have the tie to wonder how Hari was now with me instead of being at home. Hari was oblivious of what was happening around and was sleeping happily.
I could bear it no more and like all Tamil movie heroes, I had suddenly gotten my strength. I ran towards the vampire and hit him hard in order to save my lovely nephew.
I must have hit him hard, for it pained. It was as if I had hit a metal. But why should it pain this bad? It took me a while to realize that I had hit the edge of my cot and my cell phone which I usually kept at bed side had also fallen down.
It was a nightmare alright I looked around and none of my roommates were there – they must have gone for their night shifts.
It took me 5-10 minutes to realize that Jammy was not a vampire. I stayed awake for three hours and I had to be early in office the next day.
Who was the culprit? Whom should I curse for my nightmare?
Vishy for introducing me to Ouchmytoe? My Manager’s counterpart with his hoarse voice? My nephew Hari who maddens me with his love? Myself…for thinking of wishing Jammy on his wedding day? Or Jammy, who was the major part of this nightmare?
I could only think of cursing Jammy….the villain of this piece.
As I attempted to curse him, I can only say: “Long live Jammy in a life that is very sweet and lovable. A life that has both Rekha and Rhea to share moments with – wishing you advance happy wedding anniversary!”
Note (from Viji):
1. Everything was nothing but the truth
2. I don`t expect the vampire calling me this evening
3. Sorry for the subject line of this mail – it should have been “Jammy you stole my sleep – by being in my night mare”