Watch out for dinner-time

If it is dinner time and you are married, be careful. I repeat, Be Careful. Most men are vulnerable when it is dark. And the women know that.

Some old hag who knew little about the mind of a woman had once said: “The way to a man heart, is through his stomach.” How true, yet…how false. He was right about the stomach part…but he is wrong about the heart coz today`s girls do not want to reach out to the heart.

If your wife/girl friend is treating you nice at dinner…my tip is, have as much fun as possible. Coz it won`t last. Your girl will change as soon as her agenda is over.

Try and have a peg of whiskey. I am sure she will agree, coz she has a bigger one coming after the dinner. Place a request for a smoke in the balcony. She might be a asthma patient, but don`t worry…only good can happen by that smoke. She can only find it difficult to breathe and …

This time around, if you drop a morsel of food on the table she would not mind. She wouldn`t care if you spill some water or if you drop the soup bowl on the concrete floor. For, she is scheming to get you when you are off guard.

It is a WAR. I can assure you she is tense. But she wont let you know. So relax.

This is the time when they generally ask, “So how is the food?”

Pretend as if you never heard it. Coz if you did, you will have to tell her that the soup was bland, the rice is half-cooked, the sambar lacks salt and the subzi is raw. And she would not believe you and there would be a fight.

Just keep on eating. She would ask again: “I asked you something?”

“What?”

“Hows the food?”

“Hooo…it is good.” I finally give up for fear of being starved to death.

“Thanks.” She would say and blush. You can tell by the blood that rushes into her cheeks that she is pretending.

And just when you thought the Tiger Hill (of Kargil war?) has been saved, she comes closer and whispers in your ears: “Honey want a nice massage after dinner?”

If I were you, I would say no. But your wife is not Rekha either, so I am forced to say: “Sure, why not. I am still tired from lifting your stupid father`s banana-stuffed suitcases.”

I always remember to bad-mouth my father-in-law when she needs a favor. That way, I can pull him down and rub his nose in the mud and yet not get beaten.

The dinner ends, and the massage begins. She just wants to rush through it. But I don`t let her do that, after all I cannot say no to her request, which I know is coming soon after the massage.

“There…yeah…yeah…right there …the lower back.” I give her instructions. I know she is grinding her teeth and wants the massage to get over soon. But no. I am the master…

“Honey, My friends and I are going to Munnar this weekend. Only for two days…Saturday and Sunday.” She throws in the towel.

“Hey sure, I can join. Anyways, I am not doing much at office.” I would always love a vacation with her friends…a nice opportunity to show off.

“Actually, its just the girls.” She says. She is sure I will say yes…but she wants to make me feel important…so that I take care of the maid, the milk packets and the newspaper.

“Yeah fine. You go ahead. We can always go to Munnar together later.” She is relieved and so am I. That very moment, I decide to booze away the weekend with my bachelor friends.

Warning: Not all dinner-time request are a blessing in disguise. Sample some of the other ones that I had to face –

– I want to have a baby
– I want to go to the beach tom (it`s the rainy season).
– I want to buy that Levis jean we saw at the Trade Center fair three months back. Can you help me find it?
– My parents are coming tomorrow
– Have you booked tickets for your parent`s trip back home?

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