Smoking, a virtue

Nobody has ever said good things about a smoker. Wonder why.

If I exchanged places with you, I am sure you would also look up to smokers. I know it is difficult to be in my shoes, especially since they are one size less and smell a lot, but still it is worth a try for all the good it would bring to your life.

Smoking gives me an excuse to not brush daily. What a waste of time, money and water. If God had wanted me to brush, I would have had bristle-like hair on my index finger. But I do not.

My Doc tells me I might have holes in my lungs. Amusing for somebody as knowledgeable as my Doc to say that and get upset over. After all, it is these holes that will help me by-pass blood and distribute Oxygen through out my body. They are more helpful as my Red Blood Corpuscles (RBCs) are anyways lethargic.

In fact, smoking helps me keep a tab on my fitness levels. I know when I am straining myself for I start panting. Pity all those who never know how many stairs they can climb. I can manage two flights.

The habit saves me money in ways more than one. When my colleagues are rushing to the food court for lunch, I just need a glass of water. Guess, it is lack of appetite, but I am not complaining if I can save Rs 30.

While on smoking, I have to tell you about this movie in which Anthony Hopkins is a cop who has decided to shoot a cowboy, played by Kevin Costner. The cop grants the cowboy his last wish…to which the latter says he wants to have his last smoke. At the mere mention of a smoke, the visibly upset cop ends up saying, “You know, smoking could kill you?”

OK…ok…I wrote the script. The climax needed a smoking gun…

Categories
Sex

Getting to know sex

No it will not deny it. I am a sex maniac. Infact, when I was seven years old, I fantasised relationships with Gitanjali Iyer, Rini Khanna and Usha Alberquqe – news readers of the Doordarshan era.

It is another thing that the three pretty ladies never knew that I existed.

After that it was the Surabhi girl Renuka Sahane – the ever smiling beauty who stole my heart. I even sent her a letter when I was in class nine. But, my guess is, Siddharth Kak never let her know that I admired her. Maybe, he was jealous.

Soon I was old enough to know the human anatomy. Now, my 10th standard science book had the outline of a man and a woman. Watching it gave me a kick. I still remember, looking at the two hollow outlines for hours on end.

My science teacher, Mrs Manorama was too shy to tell me how a kid was born. So she assured us that the kid was a result of the marriage. I believed her, but there was always this question, as to how the kid knew when the marriage was over.

Then, I was exposed to quite a few cute women who appeared on the cover of Hindi magazine Grihshoba. They were not seductive, but they were pretty enough to disturb my young mind. I still remember carrying around the cover pages in my school bag, till the time my younger sister exposed me and my mother stopped buying the magazine.

In the eleventh grade, it was Shobana Mani. A pretty girl who’s father worked in the Indian Railways. I was in love with her. Just that she didnot know. Then…or now.

Whenever, she stood close enough for me to latch on to a few atoms of the perfume she used, I would get a high. Was something wrong with me? Or was everybody experiencing the same emotions. I would never know, untill….

In grade twelve I lost my virginity, figuratively that is. On a weekend one of my classmate’s parents went to Tirupathi and he was going to make the most of it. He invited his closest of friends and I being the one who gave him tasty home-made chappatis during lunch breaks, was part of his inner circle.

He had already arranged for `The Cassette’ (CDs and DVDs were yet to come) and we were all excited.

When we landed at his house on the appointed day, the curtains were drawn, and there was loud music playing inside. Even as I parked my bicycle near his house, I had this feeling that I was being watched – and every pair of eye knew that I was walking in to watch a porn movie. But I couldnot afford to care.

Within minutes, I was watching the first blue film of my life. So were the 17 others in the room. Even today, when we meet Santosh’s parents, Mr & Mrs Subramaniam, we have special regards for them.

Only one grudge, my cousin who is seven years old says he likes FTV.

Meet The Parents

At 29, the least that is expected of me is agreeing to marriage. But see what happens after I agree…