Month: January 2006

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Disability – an excuse

In the name of humour, we will now learn to respect and appreciate the capabilities of the disabled.

I wouldn`t have written this piece had it not been for this stupid guy in my office who parks in the handicap-parking slot. I tried to argue with him…but he just wouldn`t listen. Eventually, he agreed that he has a handicap…if stupidity could be one.

I asked him: “Do you ever participate in the Special Olympics?”

“What is that?”

“It is a special Olympics to recognize the capabilities of the disabled…like you.”

“Wow…can I also go there?” He seemed pretty excited.

“Yes mate. You can participate. In fact…Kho-Kho for the disabled will be held on 14 & 15 Jan, 2006 at Patna, Bihar. This could be a selection event for the 2007 Special Olympics to be held in China.” More Here

I started walking even before I finished…and I wondered if outside of the stadium, I would find one parking slot marked “For non-handicaps only”.

This had happened to me once in school. We had a blind classmate who was good in music. At the annual day celebration, he won the first prize – a cheese grater. Not knowing what it actually was…he started reading it. He thought it was a storybook in Braille. He never realized and we never told him but even to this day…he thinks the story shouldn`t have ended the way it did.

This friend used to wear dark glasses. I wondered…why glasses? If there is a reason, why don`t the deaf wear something on their ears? Talking of ears…did you know Mike Tyson was once named Sportsman of the Ear?

Only half the disable men (and women) in this World have a reason to be disabled. The rest acquire disability. Take for example…the former Philippine First Lady (and World’s best-known shoe collector) Imelda Marcos. What if she were to be amputated? What would happen to all her shoes? Will she have a yard sale or something? Or will she prefer the e-bay?

Thirty year olds

This post is in a form of a mail and is dedicated (and addressed) to a regular reader called ‘Wrongone`, who turned thirty on 6th Jan, 2006 but was disappointed when he had nothing to read on this Blog on his big day.

Here is a comment he left on this blog…

Complaint: I turned 30 today, which means I have lived half my life. Obviously it is a sad feeling. I thought I will get to read a good post here which will lift my spirits. But nothing 🙁

Dear Wrongone,

My apologies. I was caught up with work and couldn`t write for the whole of last week. But I am going to make up for it by dedicating this post to you.

Thirty is a nice age; to stop looking at girls. If your eye-specialist has his way you will soon start wearing glasses. Or if you already wear contacts, you will start thinking of them as a hassle and shift to glasses. The problem with glasses is…when you wear them, girls don`t see you….and when you don`t wear them…you can`t see the girls.

You probably think that eating carrots will help you ignore glasses. Not possible. Agreed, we have all never seen a rabbit wearing glasses…but believe me eating carrot daily can`t improve one`s eye-sight (I am no Doctor!).

The ‘girls` problem is not much of an issue if you are already married. But if you are not…but are above 30, I wouldn`t suggest you go on a honeymoon. Try to spend quality time at home with your wife. For I know a 35-year old friend of mine who went on a weeklong honeymoon.

“So, how was it?” I remember asking him.

“We had physical contact nearly all week!”

“Wow man!” I faintly remember becoming jealous.

“I mean…we nearly had physical contact on Monday, then nearly had physical contact on Tuesday, then nearly had physical contact on Wednesday…went on till Saturday and then we came back home.” I didn`t have the heart to wish him good times, and just walked away.

The moral of the story is, at age 30+, there is very little physical contact in a man`s life. Ask Shoba De…and she is bound to say that men deserve the ill-treatment.
But I ask why should a 30+ guy`s sex life get restricted to seeing and thinking?

There are some exceptions too. For I have an 86-year-old uncle who wanted to marry a 21-year-old Tamil model. After we persisted, he decided to take our family doctor`s advice before tying the knot.

I was also there in the room when the doctor advised my uncle, “Dear grandpa…I would suggest you don`t get married to the 21-year old girl.”

“Why?”

“Physical contact with a 21-year-old could be fatal.” The doctor was trying to be as polite to my uncle as possible. After all, he wanted his fee.

My uncle just shrugged his shoulders and said something that pulled the rug off my feet. He said: “If she dies…she dies. Can`t help it.”

Dear wrongone…not everybody gets as lucky as my 86-year old uncle. Your 30th birthday is also beginning of the stage in life where when one door closes…another slams on your face.

Soon enough, you would have so much experience as baggage that you would be the perfect example of pessimism. After all, aren`t pessimists well-informed optimists?

On a serious note…I am just making this up.

Life doesn`t suck unless you are at least 60 years old (and that gives you 30 more years). It is only after you are 60 that your grand children develop an attachment for you…and in all probability stick it to your mouth so you can`t speak!

One simple doubt: If I have to order Marijuana by phone…do I press the ‘hash` key?

Why Microsoft?

[OK…this one is stupid…but does make sense!]

Ever wondered why Bill Gates named his corporation Microsoft? It goes against the naming convention. What kind of entrepreneur wants his firm to be associated with words like ‘Micro’ or ‘soft’? Should not he have chosen words like ‘Macro’ and ‘Hard’. If he had, the biggest Technology Company today would have been called ‘Macrohard`.

Naming has not been the best of strengths of the Gates family. They named him ‘Bill’. Bill for what? Did his parents consider him the bill God sent them for all their sins? I don’t think so…he is the kind every parent would aspire for.

Did Bill Gates` parents call him ‘Check Gates’ in pubs…because it is not cool to ask for a ‘Bill` in a pub…instead you ask for the ‘check’.

Let us assume that Bill Gates parents called him ‘Check Gates’ at times. How did they ask him to check the gates of their palatial house? Probably, his father would shout: “Check Gates, please check the gates?”

Funny? No? Continue…

We can’t blame Bill Gates’ parents for their second name for I am sure it has been in use for generations. But we sure can make fun of it. What if the Bill Gates ancestor who chose the name ‘Gates’ didn’t have a house with two gates? He would have probably looked at his window and said: “Hey, let us make ‘Windows’ our second name!”

If that had happened, we would have addressed Bill Gates of today as Mr Bill Windows. In that case…when his parents took him to a pub…would they have called him Check Windows? And in that case, would Mr Bill Windows have named his Operating System, ‘Gates`?

Hope…I don`t get a legal notice from Microsoft, saying ‘Check Mate!’

December 31, 2005 to January 1, 2006

It was the 31st of Dec 2005 – last day of the year. After celebrating five dawn-of-new-years (four during courtship and one after marriage) inside homes…we finally ventured out yesterday. I agree, it was fun.

Dawn-of-the-new-year are occasions for people to do something special. Or a few like Rekha and I, it is an occasion to be seen doing something special. At 9 pm, both were at Hotel Savera – a not so up-market hotel…but just right for a cost conscious couple wanting to try their hand at the dance floor. Ok…feet, at the dance floor.

The event was called ‘Non-Stop Naach Nite’ and the ticket set us back by Rs 1699/-. We were to get four half-beers and two dinners as part of the package…and of course the dance floor for five hours.

As expected there was quite a crowd. For all we know…Robert Browning, the guy who authored Pied Piper of Hamelin, could have been inspired by such a gathering. At this event there were all kinds of people, like how Robert Browning explains in his poem…

Out of the houses the rats came tumbling.
Great rats, small rats, lean rats, brawny rats,
Brown rats, black rats, grey rats, tawny rats,
Grave old plodders, gay young friskers,
Fathers, mothers, uncles, cousins,
Cocking tails and pricking whiskers,
Families by tens and dozens,
Brothers, sisters, husbands, wives —
Followed the Piper for their lives.

*For easy comprehension, please replace ‘rats` with ‘humans`

There were eight of us but we won`t talk of them here as they might take offence. I can call them up and check if I can write about them, but they are likely to ignore me after how Rekha and I danced last night.

It was a wild party…until Rekha and I stepped on the dance floor and tamed it.

At nine, we entered the hall. The first stop, needless to say, was the beer joint. Since, Rekha doesn`t drink she wasted my beer coupon for a Pepsi. I am yet to get the equation right…. how can a bottle of beer equal a bottle of Pepsi?

Once inhibitions were drowned in spirits…we were ready to step onto the dance floor. Well, I have to be honest here, I had stepped on the dance floor earlier – when I went to buy cigarettes.

The Kajrare Kajrare song from Bubli and Bunty was playing…and we couldn`t have chosen a better time to start dancing. Rekha and I have never danced together…am glad. Both of us swayed our hands like windmills caught in a storm…we even managed to step on each other`s shoes. With each song we gathered speed and when Dus Bahane Karke from the Abhishek Bachchan movie Dus hit the walls…we were uncontrollable. We were generating so much breeze that the Savera Hotel management decided to switch off the AC. One gentleman dancing next to us did comment that our dance was cool. Wonder if he was referring to the breeze …

Dinner was good too. Since there was a huge queue at the starting point…we decided to start from the ending point – the desserts. Try it next time. Just don`t tell your wife that it was not a great idea…

On our way back, we did encounter some Formula One racers and World Rally Championship riders. The road looked like a racetrack…except for the track marshals…and at 2 a.m. on 1st Jan, 2006, we managed to race back home.

“Happy New Year,” I softly whispered into Rekha`s ears as we entered the house.

“You didn`t switch off the drawing room tube-light when you locked!” She was angry. New year or no new year….some things just don`t change.