A conversation every man (and woman) should read…

Nameet and I were in Canada together. We have been through the grind together and understand each other fully. We have shared each other`s sorrows…though he tends to have more of them. Today he is a successful entrepreneur in Bangalore driving a Tata Safari and living in a 16K per month apartment. Here in this conversation on Yahoo chat he was advising me on how I should deal with my post-marriage woes. Makes interesting reading. Go on…

Nameet: Hi boss. Whats up ?

pppumpkincarver: Hi bol kya haal hai

Nameet: Howz shaadee.com happening? You get three rings for ur wedding, engagement ring, marriage ring and biggest off all suffering. That is why during your wedding, elders will say “God Bless you”. Otherwise why would one say so!

pppumpkincarver: Pretty true. Life is getting tighter..

Nameet: Don`t worry this is just the beginning. Dude one golden principle, rather two I will share from experience.

pppumpkincarver: Go on.

Nameet: Never.. never..never allow your woman to take over the Kitchen 100 per cent. Once she does……ur so fucking gone….

pppumpkincarver: Hows that?

Nameet: Make room for her guests/friends to come over as much as you want your booze sessions with your guy pals to go uninterrupted, but draw the line, if you are not comfy. Excuse yourself (on pretence of pending work and look busy). If she’s unhappy say, hey chill don`t I hang around with your pals all the time……..

pppumpkincarver: But why is the kitchen so important?

Nameet: Kitchen is the power center as much the bed room is. Thats why. Once she takes over 100%, then you are pretty much c/o hotel….

pppumpkincarver: Go on.

Nameet: Now Jammy, wedding is like a business…. negotiation. Its not what you deserve it is what you negotiated!

pppumpkincarver: Very true.

Nameet: You are gone if you act stubborn…or if you act loose. So act diplomatic. Act honest and
above all be generous don`t be stingy and avoid all terms such as never, no way, sorry, can`t. Avoid it at all levels.

pppumpkincarver: Will do machan.

Nameet: A wise man learns from the mistakes of others and makes his own that serve as examples, for other wise men. And hey if u want to get drunk……don`t lie about it.

pppumpkincarver: Go on…

Nameet: Drink openly. Never hide it from her. She’ll never figure out if you had 3 pegs or half a bottle.

pppumpkincarver: Even now, she is asking me to stop drinking.

Nameet: It is okie and natural for her to do so. Maybe you drink…but not too often. Or always blame it on your boss, ur colleague, or Nameet who came from Bangalore and forced you for a Drink. “Oh! Nameet came from the US he had this scotch bottle so we were at his house catching up.” Blame it on emotions, buddy.

pppumpkincarver: Sounds like a nice escape route.

Nameet: Yes. And once, she says oh you always say this, you can reverse the situation and say, sweetie, do I stop you ever from meeting your friends? We were just sharing a drink and catching up . Poor guy he was sharing his woes. The next day, compensate by taking her for a walk…cook her a meal or spend time…just the two of you.

pppumpkincarver: Yeah. Makes sense.

Nameet: Spring surprises……….

pppumpkincarver: Right. Rekha likes surprises.

Nameet: Like when she comes back from work, tidy the house, place scented candles, dim lights serve food that you cooked (but actually hotel bought) …..but make sure there are signs of disaster in the kitchen…….or she’ll smell a rat!

Nameet: Pakad ke chood aur chod ke pakad…

Nameet: Got a house?

pppumpkincarver: Yeah. A nice two-bedroom flat.

Nameet: Good. Do you have your own small place (Jammy`s personal study room)? And does she have the same?

pppumpkincarver: Nope. Did tell you, we plan to buy a car after marriage.

Nameet: So macha nayii gadii, nayaa ghar, nayee biwi………..”badiyaa hain” baadiyaa hain……

pppumpkincarver: Fuck man. It is true.

Nameet: Do you have a tape recorder with FM radio and does Chennai have good FM transmission

pppumpkincarver: Yes, Chennai has but I do not have a radio.

Nameet: Get it. Also, do you have a dog? If not get one asap. It is very very important.. don`t neglect this advice.

pppumpkincarver: Why?

Nameet: You will invariable get a little bored (sorry if I am rude) with domestication…..and then you will have a few more drinks more often. Agree?

pppumpkincarver: Yes.

Nameet: And then Rekha will be pissed with u right?

pppumpkincarver: Yes.

Nameet: If you have a dog (hoping Rekha agrees that the dog is as close to you, as she is to you!) you can just scream load at the dog. Give it two kicks once you return home drunk. Rekha will know that you are pissed and you are in a bad mood………..she’ll let go off you for the night and will plan to screw you in the morning. So you buy peace for the night.

Nameet: Agree so far ?

pppumpkincarver: Yes.

Nameet: Now u may ask why the radio?

pppumpkincarver: Yes. Why the radio?

Nameet: Guess.

pppumpkincarver: To keep the sound up?

Nameet: She’ll open the door, and slam her (your ex-bedroom) door slam shut after throwing out your pillow and bedsheet in the hall. Now the radio……… since now you are alone in the hall, combating and thinking of how to say sorry, mixed with strategies…she is thinking on how to screw your happiness the next morning…..

pppumpkincarver: Ok ..and ..

Nameet: So, in the morning you wake up with the noise of falling utensils……loud sreaming. Just walk to the loo..empty urself………walk to the radio, put it on FM as loud as you can…….

pppumpkincarver: Bastard

Nameet: Now you know why every married man must have a radio and a dog!

pppumpkincarver: Machan, this is turning out to be a good conversation. Need to put it in my blog.

Nameet: hoo shit! BTW, did I tell you, Rekha is a good girl and you might not have to try out all those tricks with her!

pppumpkincarver: Nope you didn`t!

By Jamshed V Rajan

Jammy, as Jamshed V Rajan is affectionately called, is a wannabe stand up comedian. He has a funny take on most things but documents only some of them. If you are interested in chatting up with him, do drop him an email at jv.rajan@gmail.com or message him at +919650080255.

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