They say the best way to attract women is to carry a baby around, and act like a caring father. Or better still, the guy who adopted a baby because he just couldn’t bear the sight of the orphan growing up alone in this big, bad world.
I did try this trick….and it did work to an extent – the extent being my baby daughter’s cheeks.
They would stop by, ask for her name, and then say stock lines like “she is a doll” “quite a princess she is” “she is damn cute” or “just look at her cheeks”. Their parting shot was always a peck on Rhea’s cheeks and that’s it. Not a single word about myself…the person responsible for bringing this princess, doll, cute thing…whatever… into this big, bad World.
After my daughter, I tried various other living things…cats, rabbits, parrots, turtles, puppies…you name the living thing and I have tried that on the women. Barring four animals of course – Lion, Tiger, Elephant & Rhinoceros.
None of them got me the expected results. Though they did pet the animal, and ask for its name they didn’t ask for mine. I didn’t mind them not asking my name….but I got might pissed when they didn’t call me home too. That’s what got me ticked.
This made me wonder….could it be a non-living thing? Is there a non-living thing that could attract women to you like houseflies to horseshit? After four years of research, today I finally found out that item.
Today I walked about 100 meters with this item in my hands, and I had four women – some married some not ask me what its price was and how effective it was and how to use it etc. I answered all their questions with patience. So much so, out of the four women….one even asked me to come home sometime in the evening.
“Can you come home today evening please?”
I looked behind me, if she was asking some passerby to come home. There was nobody.
“Are you asking me to come to YOUR house?”
The lady looked surprised, and confirmed.
“What about your husband? Will he not be home?”
The lady looked surprised, but replied confidently with a smile: “No, he doesn’t need to know this.”
Wow…it had finally worked.
“But wouldn’t your husband get suspicious?”
Again, the lady looked surprised. But calmed herself and replied: “Well, if you ask me…I would say he is quite suspicious of this habit of mine. He often asks me why I am so obsessed, but I have no answer.”
I prided on my luck. Imagine finding a lady obsessed with sex – that’s like finding a needle in a haystack at 12 midnight, when it is raining heavily and all you have is one candle. Not to mention you have only one match stick in the box of matches.
“So, you would come home at 6 p.m.?”
Being a practiced gentleman, I replied: “Ohh sure. Since it will be our first time, should I get something for you when I come?”
“It might be the first time for you, but I have hosted gentlemen such as yourself before. The last one was a Eureka Forbes vacuum cleaners salesman.”
Her reply swept the floor…or should I say road…coz we were still standing on the road…off my feet. So she was an expert at this. I made a mental note to pat myself on the back when I was alone.
“Done deal then, I will be there at 6 p.m.. Which apartment did you say you live in?”
“We stay at 1002, Tower 7.”
“That’s nice. I will be there.”
She then turned and started walking, and even as I watched the sway of her hips…she turned back and said: “Please don’t forget to bring the mop when you come. I like to get into the details.”
“Sure Missy,” I said naughtily, but she didn’t reciprocate.
I stood there watching the sway of her hips till she disappeared into Tower 7.
At 6 p.m. same day, I stood at her door with a mop in hand. Wild thoughts ran in my mind…kinky sex after a long time. Imagine, a mop being a prop. Earlier in my life, I have used a pillow as a prop. Sometimes some wires…but when one of us fell unconscious…I had to stop using them. Sometimes, I have also used the treadmill as a prop…but nothing beats a mop with a long handle when it comes to kinky sex.
My mind continued to race, while I rang the bell.
It was then that I heard the familiar voice: “Coming…I hope you have bought the mop along.”
I won’t get into the details of what happened next, but I was out of her house in ten minutes flat. The demo lasted two minutes….and the other eight minutes she was giving me hints to leave the house. The last hint was: “Why don’t we catch up later. I was leaving the house right away to catch a movie.”
Like I have always said…we Rajans are also made of sterner stuff. Look at the positive side…now I didn’t have to make up an excuse for a 4-5 hours long absence from home.
As my wife opened the door, I looked at her face, brought a fake smile on mine & said: “Whenever I am away from home, I miss you.” This brought a smile on Rekha’s face. I did spot some love as well.
We didn’t use the mop, though.