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Toilets – how lucky we are to have them

When I was with Indian Express, I didn`t find their office toilets great. They were very average.

After two years with IE, I tagged on to my Indian Express Sports Editor Anand Philar and World Billiards Champion Geet Sethi and joined their start-up kheladi.com in Chennai. Since we worked out of a house the two toilets were good enough. Just that when I got up from my seat, the whole office (five young strapping men) knew that I was going to the loo.

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When I joined Sify I was in for a treat. The first time I entered the men`s loo in Tidel Park, Chennai I was shocked. I remember asking myself: “Wow…why isn`t my bedroom like this?”

The floor was sparkling clean. The washbasins had chrome finish (as if they were Harley Davidsons) and black granite surroundings. The huge mirrors displayed a very handsome me made handsomer by the light shining right on top of the mirror. The shoe-shiner in the corner was at work – somebody was shining his shoes. The hand dryer was at work too.

I remember hating my house from then on. In contrast, my 2 feet by 2 feet toilet on the top floor had no roof. Leaves from the nearby trees would regularly fall within the three walls and clog the potty. We didn`t really mind till one day…a coconut tree`s leaf fell while I was inside. It hurt.

Today the clean toilets are taken for granted but it was not always so. Instead of using sand, leaves stone, grass etc by 1857 people who could afford it, started using toilet paper. Joseph Cayetty of USA was to be blamed for it was he who invented it.

Coincidentally, the first Indian war of Independence was also fought in 1857. For the not so suspicious there no connection…but I would say that the British were getting their ass kicked so fine that they funded a research on toilet paper.

Though Cayetty had invented toilet paper, Indians continued to be insensitive to others` nostrils for a long time. In 1878, India`s first sanitation bill was introduced. According to this law it was compulsory to build toilets if you were building a house. Even the huts in Calcutta (which was then the Indian capital) were not sparred.

The next watershed (pun intended) in the history of toilets was when the Indian Government introduced a law which banned construction of dry latrine and its manual cleaning. Surprisingly, this bill was operative only from 1993! Too late!

I wouldn`t have realized how lucky I was if not for this young friend of mine from Madurai who had come down to my office for an interview. I picked him up from the reception and on the way up asked him: “So, would you want to freshen up?”

He said: “Yes.”

Thinking he would like to wash his face and comb his hair, I took him to the washroom. As soon as we entered, he saw the row of washbasins (fully decked up in chrome and granite) and said: “I will have coffee. You can have your breakfast if you want.” He then proceeded to wash his hands.

It took me a while to understand. He had completely missed the “Men`s Washroom” board on the door and looking at the fancy washbasin thought it was the office restaurant.

I had to think fast. I couldn`t afford to bring down his confidence levels just before his interview. I had to somehow take him out of the washroom.

“What do you want for breakfast?” I asked him even as I washed my hands.

“Coffee will be fine for me. As I said, you can have your breakfast.”

This was the break I was looking for….

“Shucks…I also want only Coffee. In which case, it is better to go down to the second cafeteria…where we get great filter coffee.”

Ina few seconds we were outside the washroom, and in a few minutes, which seemed like hours, we were in the cafeteria.

I had done my good deed for the day. If he gets recruited, he will find out the washroom! But then, shit happens….

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Google Romance – beta version

I am at least 20 days late. Late for what? Read on and you will find out.

Apparently, Google has started a service called Google Romance. Currently in the beta stage, it is likely to go live after the first round of bug corrections are done.

According to Google, this service will use cutting-edge personal search algorithms to help you find your soul-mate, and then sponsor your first Contextual Date with said soulmate-to-be in exchange for showing you highly relevant advertising that just might help Cupid’s arrow find its mark.

Does it really work? Ask Google`s internal beta testers — if you can find them. How often have you met somebody who works for Google?

After I came to know about this dating service by Google I have become their sworn enemy. Couldn`t they have come up with something like this before September 8, 2004? That was the day I married Rekha!

OK, don`t get carried away. It was their 2006 April fool prank. Now you know why I said I was at least 20 days late 😉

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A sales pitch

While having a smoke at 8 p.m. today evening, I wondered if somebody didn`t leave a will, will it be called “won`t”?

If I boil the hell out of water, will I manage to make it holy water?

If Jesus was working on a Winword file, is there a chance that he might lose the data he was working on? Guess not…for Jesus Saves.

Now that I have put you in the right frame of mind…here is a sales pitch. I am looking for a designer who can help me design my website https://ouchmytoe.com (currently it is a hurried job) and html-izing it too. Needless to say, I won`t be able to pay in cash…but will reciprocate in kind. I will display a huge credit on my site for as long as I use your design. “Big deal,” you might think and if you do, let me know the options.

Note: https://ouchmytoe.com is on its way up. Help me now and I assure my steadfast support in the days to come.

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Jammy’s Talk show

This time around, I have added background music and cheer and audience applause. I must say I was impressed with myself. The problem with getting impressed with self is that you start wondering if the others will also get impressed.

This Podcast is about environmental protection…so go on and have fun.

Click on this image in THIS PAGE to listen to my second Podcast (The wav format file lasts for 2 mins & 24 seconds). You can also download the 2.75 Mb file by clicking here

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Jammy’s Talk Show

Been reading a lot about podcasting and thought it was just the right time for me to experiment. Spent a good part of Sunday trying to record a funny audio clip for you …but thanks to a defunct microphone in the headset Rekha gifted me, no recording happened. Have currently uploaded a Tom Green funny audio, in which he pretends to be an Indian and calls up a Punjabi family and complains that one of the daughters kicked his dog.

Click on this image in THIS PAGE to listen to the audio (MP3 format that lasts for 3 mins & 33 seconds).

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A blast from the past

It is 11.41 p.m. and I am just back after meeting an interesting couple from Rekha`s past.

It was 8.00 p.m. and I had just walked into the house from office, when we got information that two college seniors of Rekha, who would eventually get married, were in Chennai and wanted to come home. At 9.00 p.m., Rekha got a call that they couldn`t get out of Saravana Stores in time and thus wouldn`t be able to come. Rekha was visibly upset.

“Are they important to you?” I asked.

“Yes,” she replied and started sulking. I knew I had to do something and do it fast.

“What is so special? They are not even your classmates…but seniors.”

Apparently, Kavita had been Rekha`s role model in College. Everything Kavita did…Rekha would also want to ape. And this was Rekha`s first opportunity to meet her in ten years. I couldn`t have said a no…so a tired me tagged Rekha along and took an auto to Hotel Chariot, a 3-star hotel in T-Nagar, Chennai. I have never seen two women meet with such honesty.

I am glad I accompanied Rekha. After all, strong relationships are built on small gestures!

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Science is funny

Science is funny. Don`t believe me? I thought as much. After all, a few (including you) believe that the ability to make somebody laugh is an art and not science. And if science was funny…wouldn`t humor be science? Confused?

Take this friend of mine – a neutron – for example. He went to a pub to order a drink, and when it was the time to pay the cheque, the bartender refused to accept any money saying: “Sir, for you…no charge.” (got the joke?)

Not knowing why the bartender refused to take any money from him, this neutron friend of mine came out of the pub. Just outside, he came across a very drunk atom.

Like all of us who drink, these two drunks, started talking.

An upset neutron told the atom: “They refused to take any money from me.”

Atom enquired “Why?”

Neutron: “Don`t know man. I am sure there is something fishy happening here.”

Atom: “I also have this feeling. As soon as I came to this pub, I lost an electron.”

Neutron: “What? You lost an electron?”

Atom: “Yes”.

Neutron: “That`s really sad man. Are you sure?”

Atom: “Yes, I am positive!”

All those who didn`t get the joke, please refer your class X biology text book. Oops…did I just try changing the subject?

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When I wanted to be Milkha Singh

Why doesn`t Mexico have an Olympic team?
Because all Mexicans who can run, jump, or swim are in US of A.

+ + +

Rekha and I are half way through Iqbal – the Nagesh Kuknoor movie. And I would say it is a must watch. Especially, if like me you are also a sportsman. Believe me, I am a junior Nationals kabaddi player.

I had tears in my eyes every time deaf-mute Shreyas Talpade – a village teenager yearning to be a part of the Indian cricket team – was on the screen. He so much resembled me when I was in my first year of college. Back then, I wanted to become the greatest athlete India had ever produced. Then I didn`t have the benefit of having glamourous role models like Sania Mirza. I had to content with PT Usha and Milkha Singh.

Had it not been for a small measurement error I would have been a great athlete. When I was in class five I didn`t even know how long one meter was, but I was given a list of race distances and asked to choose my event for the annual sports day.

I asked a friend, how much was 50 meters.

“50 meters? That`s quite a distance,” he said.

“How far would I have to run if I opted for the 50m dash?”

“You must be one meter tall. Why don`t you lie down 50 times head-to-toe and measure the distance you cover – that`s the distance you will have to run.” My friend was very emphatic in his reply and I had this feeling that he knew his distances.

I immediately ran outside and did as recommended. It was quite an ordeal. After half an hour of measuring, my white shirt and blue trousers were all soiled…but I had found out that I could run 50m.

I wonder why my class teacher – who was also my English teacher – asked me to stand outside the class. I knew I was outstanding in English, but did it mean I had to stand out?

I wouldn`t know…but by the time I was let in by my teacher…many had nominated themselves for the shorter distance and the 1500m race was my only option. Mind you that is, a kilometer and half.

I immeidately went back to my guru – the same boy who asked me to roll in the mud and measure the distance – and asked him how long would 1500m be.

“Not much. Instead of lying down 50 times head-to-toe and measuring the distance… do it 1500 times!”

Ever since, I have been a sports freak. Here are some of the sport I am cynical about.

Formula One: I watched it till I realized they were all a bunch of non-punctual drivers. If only they started early they needn`t risk their lives going so fast.

Boxing: If they have decided to kick the shit out of each other…why do they even need any rules. And anyways whats the idea of calling it a boxing ring if it is a square!

Golf: It is a uniqe game. If I wanted to play it..my father should have started the warm up – which would have included earning enough for me to join a Golf Course.

Football: In India, doctors treating heart-patients suggest them that they follow Indian football for their own good. No excitement.

Swimming: It is not a difficult sport. But more than half the World doesn`t know to swim. Perhaps that is why Ian Thorpe`s father threw him in the lake – a hard way of teaching swimming. Thorpe struggled to swim out of the lake…but the harder part was getting out of the sack!