How I averted a flood, an earthquake and a Hindu-Muslim riot

The moles I planted around the World have reported that the readers want something really serious. I wonder why. When I asked the mole on Cindy Crawford`s face, it said: “Yes, I know…I even heard Drew Barrymore talking about it today morning.”

“What was she saying?” I asked the mole I had once planted on Cindy Crawford`s face. Those were the days when I had the right.

“She was speaking to Alicia Silverstone and both of them felt that you should get into serious writing,” the mole replied.

So here is a serious piece –

The year was 2003 – the time when Rekha and I actually loved each other. Her birthday was fast approaching and I had offered to quit smoking. I wouldn`t have, if I had had enough money to buy her a gift. With no money I decided to quit – and what better gift for a girlfriend than her prospective hubby quitting smoking?

The previous night, as I was walking down the Ashram Road, in Nadiad, Gujarat… a white Maruti van pulled in front of me. Before I realized somebody pinched me from behind. Mind you, I can hold a sword with my bare hands for five hours (with my palms bleeding, of course) but I can never take a pinch. I still remember losing my cool whenever somebody said: “Same pinch!” Anyway, as I was saying…I immediately swooned.

Next I remembered, I was in a dungeon with my hands and legs chained to the walls of a dam. I looked around and it looked exactly how Medha Patkar had explained….it was the Narmada Dam. The side where I had been tied up, was still dry…but just below my armpit (remember my hands were pulled up and tied) there was a hole, the size pin …and water was coming out. What will happen to all those who villagers who would be displaced? Even as I worried, I heard two men walking on top of the bridge…

Man 1: We should find out where the faults lie and shake it up.
Man 2: I agree. Would you want me to go down and check?
Man 1: If you go would you be able to shake it up?

I immediately knew these guys were terrorists and were planning an earthquake. I once had a friend who turned into a terrorist overnight. The poor guy tried to blow up a car and burnt his lips on the exhaust…but that`s beside the point. Ever since, I spotted my friend`s burnt lips…I have learnt to spot terrorists.

As these two men walked past me, I could hear another pair in animated discussion.

Man 3: The Hindu killed my father.
Man 4: What happened?
Man 3: My father was only threatening to self-immolate when some of the TV camera crew people burnt a Hindu and used it to burn down my father.

I immediately knew I had to stop the Hindu-Muslim riots. Most of the riots happened because one side didn`t understand the other. Being the intelligent guy, I knew Man 3 was talking about ‘The Hindu` newspaper.

I immediately knew what to do – I had to stop the flooding happening, I had to stop man 1 & Man 2 from creating an earth quake and I had to stop Man 3 and Man 4 from inciting a Hindu-Muslim riot.

I pulled out the lone cigarette I had. I was going to dedicate my last cigarette to the nation. Using just my mouth I dismantled the whole cigarette into different parts.

1) The filter, which is actually a piece of sponge
2) The tobacco
3) The white paper that the tobacco is rolled in

First I had get out of the chains…I pulled out my car`s left indicator from my pocket (what you probably know is that when it is switched on, it sounds like a time bomb….beep, beep, beep…what you don`t know is that like a time bomb, it can also burst) and using the matches burst the bomb one feet from my face. Luckily nothing happened – I mean, I was a free bird and all but nothing happened to my face.

I then took the cigarette`s filter and inserted it in the small hole in the dam. Having averted a flood, I was now a satisfied man.

Next, I used the lift to get to the bottom of the dam (every dam has a lift that takes you inside the Earth). Man 1 and Man 2 were working on some machinery…I placed the white paper of the cigarette, in which tobacco is rolled, around them and burnt them down. They were too busy with their work to realize. Thus, I saved Gujarat from a severe earth quake.

My next target was to get Man 3 and Man 4 before they started a Hindu-Muslim riot. I rushed up…and reached their cottage. They were drinking – water. When they weren`t noticing, I dropped the tobacco from my last cigarette into their drink. They drank it and died the very next minute. Don`t believe me? Promise. Haven`t you seen all those advertisements saying “Tobacco kills”?

Once I had averted a flood, an earthquake and a Hindu-Muslim riot…I walked back home. On my way back, I found some Oil-for-food coupons and exchanged them for money. Rekha got her gift…and I still smoke.

By Jamshed V Rajan

Jammy, as Jamshed V Rajan is affectionately called, is a wannabe stand up comedian. He has a funny take on most things but documents only some of them. If you are interested in chatting up with him, do drop him an email at or message him at +919650080255.

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