I drink, therefore I am

(Even as I type this, I can see my monitor swinging like a pendulum and the keys on my keyboard playing hide-and-seek with me. I am drunk. Perhaps.)

If you are married, you have probably given up drinking. Or you are fooling your wife.

Since, I am no mortal like you, I can drink in my house…and drink whatever I want…except of course, Sulphuric acid, which I leave for all those men in Karnataka who like to throw acid on the faces of their women. (God, I hate guys who resort to throwing acid on the faces of their love interests once their advances are not reciprocated. I could kick them in their balls with a smile on my face. Sorry about the aggresion, I just read an article in the Dec issue of ‘Week` and it is pathetic).

On the day of our marriage, I hid a chilled beer under our bed. If you are somebody with whom I have never had a beer before, I would like to tell you that I could gulp down at least ten beers in one go. And if you are somebody with whom I have sat down for liquor, I would want you to ignore this lie about ten beers. As I was saying, I hid a beer under my bed, and drank it before Rekha was ushered in the room.

What happened then is anybody`s guess. I got screwed – left, right and center. Rekha even threatened that she would expose my drinking habits to my father…at which I retorted: “Please don`t tell him. He would be terribly upset.”

“I am going to tell my father-in-law that you drank a beer last night.” She was adamant.

It took me a long while to convince her that he won`t be upset coz I had beer, but because I did not call him when I had it. Her next threat came in the morning: “I will tell my father that you drank last night.”

“Sure, you could do that. Just take this amrutanjan balm. Your father asked for it.”

“Why? He has got a headache is it?” She asks.

“Yes. But it is not his fault, if I were to finish a whole bottle of Green Label whiskey in one night; I would also have a headache the next day. They call it a hangover.” I said. Looks like her father was really happy about marrying off Rekha.

Rekha did not seem to be impressed with my general knowledge and went her way.

Days passed, and we were now supposedly a happy couple going through our honeymoon phase (contrary to popular belief, this phase lasts only as long as the honeymoon and not 12 months as most women believe). But somehow Rekha decided that my health was paramount and decided that I can ‘drink` only on Saturdays.

Here are some of the other liquids I had to stop taking to appease my wife –

Boost – she says milk doesn`t digest in elders because an enzyme called ‘peptin` that is helpful in digestion of lactose (the main ingredient in milk) is not formed in adults.
Curd – the yeast in the curd stays put in the stomach and creates trouble at a later date.
Coke/Pepsi – It corrodes the fluoride covering on my teeth and makes them less white (Actually I am to blame for this one coz, when asked about the cigarette-induced stains on my teeth, I had given the brown-colored coke as the reason).
Tea – It is a habit-forming drink and besides a huge wastage of time and money also results in high blood pressure.
Coffee – stains the food pipe, the stomach, the small intestine, the large intestine and the rectum.

I am so F#@%ing glad water is a tasteless, colourless, odorless liquid.

(If you find this piece better than my earlier ones please make it a point to mention in the comments, because my dear wife wants me to become a good writer. If alcohol has to be my passport to the Pulitzer Prize, so be it.)

By Jamshed V Rajan

Jammy, as Jamshed V Rajan is affectionately called, is a wannabe stand up comedian. He has a funny take on most things but documents only some of them. If you are interested in chatting up with him, do drop him an email at jv.rajan@gmail.com or message him at +919650080255.

One reply on “I drink, therefore I am”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *