I have never sat on an airplane

I promise.

The first time I tried, they said I shouldn`t sit ON the plane. The last time I tried, they said there were no vacant seats available.

I remember, in one of my attempts I was arrested by the Nepali Govt. I remember being tortured by the Nepali Police officials for close to five days who then dumped me at the Nepal-India border (do they have one?). As luck would have it, the Border Security Force picked me up and sent me to the Red Fort in Delhi. I would later come to know that all high-level terrorist interrogation happened there.

I remember refusing to divulge anything (more because I had nothing to divulge). After another 4-5 days of torture I was sent back home for lack of evidence against me.

I wouldn`t have been arrested if I hadn`t bought a kilogram of apples in Kathmandu. Rajesh Rangarajan, a frequent traveler and a good friend had told me that the Kathmandu apples were tasty. He also told me he always carried a pocket knife with him so that he could peel the apples and eat them during travel. In what was a major case of miscommunication, he forgot to tell me that he bought his Kathmandu apples in New Delhi and always traveled by the Red Line busses.

As soon as my Kathmandu to New Delhi flight was on air, I got up, stretched a bit and took my cabin baggage from the storage space just above me. The cheap zip made a lot of noise and by the time I pulled out the plastic bag containing the apples and my knife…everybody had started shrieking.

“Please don`t kill me. I have a baby waiting for me at the New Delhi airport,” the lady sitting next to me cried.

“You shouldn`t kill me, I am still a virgin,” shouted a young man sitting right in front of me. For a while I wondered why I would kill these people. When I didn`t get any answer, I started wondering why a virgin should not be killed. Even as I was contemplating, I felt something heavy on my head and collapsed.

Later, I would come to know that the passengers had thought those apples were bombs and I was planning to highjack the airplane.

Anyway, after ten days of interrogation (by both the short Nepali police and the tall Delhi police) I started hating airplanes. I would have forgotten the incident but for this leper begger who has been camping just opposite my house for the last five years. I wonder if he is actually an undercover police officer keeping a tab on my movements….

But why am I telling you all this?

By Jamshed V Rajan

Jammy, as Jamshed V Rajan is affectionately called, is a wannabe stand up comedian. He has a funny take on most things but documents only some of them. If you are interested in chatting up with him, do drop him an email at jv.rajan@gmail.com or message him at +919650080255.

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