When Drunk

Even as I write this, I am not able to find the right keys. Spelllling mishtakes may please be ignored, as I am drunkkk.

My present problem with words could be blamed on the Russians. After all, weren`t they the ones to invent (or is it discover?) Vodka.

BTW, the brand is Romanov. And the quality is very less – healthy people require very little to get a high, I was once told by a drunkard friend.

When I am drunk, I become a literary expert. The best in me emerges from behind the shadows of my guilt, which I have plenty when I am sober.

From when ethanol starts jogging all over my body, to the time when it affects my cerebellum and ends up giving me a hangover, I am at my creative best. Does that mean I can come to office drunk?

Here goes the Drunken Monk`s verbiage –

Did you know the names of all continents start and end with the same alphabet. And Europe is the only continent that starts with ‘E` and ends in ‘E`. As for others, it is ‘A`.

While we are on the subject of words, maybe I should relate what Mark twain once said of a dictionary: “I have read it so often, but always seemed to have missed the plot.” Better still, Ralf Emerson was heard saying, “Every word was once a poem.” Righto, professor!

Ever wondered why a bunch of `words` when joined together could convey a meaning so piercing? Just remove the ‘s` from behind and put it in the front…. And what you get is a `sword.` Impressed? So am I.

I did not change the text after getting sober.

Forward looking?

There are people like this. For the world they are the gift to mankind…and deep down inside …or for that matter beneath a thin layer of brasso, they are green and slimy.

Holi Hai!

I was missing Holi. Life in Northern India during Holi means a totally different thing. Here in Tamil Nadu we are a little conservative…and Holi is well…just spraying ink behind the back of people wearing white shirts!


Narcoanalysis – spread the numbness

The Prefix Narco means: Numbness; stupor; lethargy.
Examples – Narcolepsy & Narcotic drugs

They say criminals have a mind of their own. Not anymore. At least, not when subjected to Narcoanalysis.

According to experts, Narcoanalysis can ambush the best of criminal minds and get the unsuspecting mind to accept to the crimes they have committed.

The analysis involves administering a small dose of Thiopental Sodium or Sodium Pentothal to the offender. A cup of tea or a coke can, with a few drops of the above said should be enough to get the criminal singing like a canary.

The chemical, also known as the truth serum, is yellow in color and dissolves easily in both water and alcohol….and after consumption the crook loses his inhibition and becomes talkative.

Even Telgi, of the Stamp paper fame, was subjected to this test and in a fit of excitement he blurted out the names of all his well-placed friends. So much so, he now fears for his life. Says his friends would kill him.

Threat to Telgi apart, wonder what all other threats to human kind this drug can solve.

Do we need to use it only on criminals? Maybe not. Imagine the scope of the drug: from rich man to the poor, from the lovelorn to the green bag…everybody would love to lay their hands on a pinch of truth serum.

Here are few instances where it could be used to the society`s good –

1) Lovelorn like me could slip an ounce of the serum into their ladylove`s coffee and extract the truth.
2) The jealous can slyly mix an ounce in the lunch of their subject and find out if he/she is really worth fretting over.
3) Indian mothers can mix the same in the after-dinner milk for their grown-up sons and find out if they are smoking, drinking or flirting.
4) Fathers can mix it in the family lunch and find out who took the hundred-rupee note that went missing from his shirt pocket. Was it the mother or the daughter? Sons have since long stopped…now they target departmental stores.

My appeal is simple: let us ration the truth serum to the public. If efficiently implemented, this suggestion of mine could lead us to satya yug. Perhaps.

The Marketing Dude

This cartoon was a not-so-subtle way of telling the marketing guys in my team “Boss, you can talk. Know anything called ‘Doing’? Since most of these marketters were also regular visitors to my blog had to publish this disclaimer just below the cartoon – Guys…..spare me. I have a family of five to feed. And a few credit cards to pay for. A the Citibank loan to be repaid.


Glamour, our lifeblood

News bulletins and pimples have one thing in common. We all try to avoid them!

The other day, I just happened to ask one of my friend what his father did for a living. “You would not believe it, but when my father starts speaking, everyone sits up and pays attention,” he said.

“Is he a politician?” I enquired. “No he is a news reader with Doordarshan., ” he said with a hint of pride in his voice.

Little did he know that today news bulletins are not the much sought after packages they once used to be. In fact, the news slots are avoided by prudent surfers of the TV channels. Care is taken to memorise the time slots of the various channels, lest they end up witnessing the insipid performances.

News is a welcome break for the glamour bitten viewers, not because they get to know the recent happenings but because they can switch off their TV sets and rest their overstrained eyes. Afterall, nobody has time enough to waste on non-glamourous presentations where decently dressed (or should I say well covered) men and women stage the show.

“Its a drag, eh!” A collegian said on being asked about his lack of interest in news bulletins. “News, which is now considered as Non-Entertaining Wasteful Show is in for bad days if watching them does not become a fad very soon,” he added with a you-are-stupider-than-me look on his face. Probably he thought I was a newsman.

A smart guess is that the viewship might pickup if they start showing film clippings in between. Maybe a make-your-own-facepack sort of thing for the mothers and tit-bits about Brooke Shields and Mata Hari for the fathers will bring in some interest.

Karl Marx once said: Follow your own bent, no matter what people say. Quite possible that Marx got his inspiration from we Indians. Have we not held our own against many advices?

Who says we are not smart enough to envisage our own Titanic filiming near the Bombay High. Afterall, glamour is our lifeblood and films our bloodbanks!

When Bush came to shove

According to reports Osama Bin Laden is in US custody. I would not believe that. Why would the US President capture Osama – his sworn enemy – and not announce his triumph to the World? After all, Bush is leader of the free World and has the good of mankind at the back of his mind.

Didn`t he invade Iraq when a mad man called Saddam Hussien, in possession of WMDs, threatened the World? Considering that WMDs were never found, one could argue that Bush was lying, but the US lead UN inspectors are searching for Saddam`s Presidential gardens where something could be planted.

And now, Bush at the risk of being not allowed into gay clubs has even intervened to stop a few of them from getting into matrimony. It is against God`s will and will spoil nature`s balance, he said. A fatherly figure, indeed.

Better still, he has kept the old friendships going. With his army base strongly entrenched in Afganistan, his need for Pakistan as a launch pad for sudden attacks on Russia is no longer there. But he would not let go of Pakistan. When Musharaff got wind of the Statue of Liberty`s tilt towards India and started making noises…Bush came in and gave him a problem to solve. This would keep the Pak CEO ocupied.

Like a Shoiab Akhtar getting Sachin on the backfoot, the Pak premier almost got out hit wicket when Bush lifted the curtains off what they had known for decades – AQ Khan`s retail nuclear armament shop.

Bush has no evil intentions. He is only trying to make the World a better place to live in for us…and of course his family.

After scores of CIA agents were sent after him over the last few decades, it was found out that Mr Khan was sending ‘stuff` (drug dealers seem like priests here) to various countries. Reportedly, he did it alone…without anybody else knowing. It is another thing that Pakistan`s Father of the Bomb is an expert in only one of the 23 niche technologies that are required to make the blast.

While on Pakistan, one is also reminded of Osama – Bush`s sworn enemy. He is said to be traveling on feet (mules, perhaps) in the mountain ranges of Pakistan. And US – the lone super power in the World is playing hide-and-seek with him. Bush is quite a sportive man. His Elite Commandos and Navy Seals have been after the breaded man, for two years now. USA`s satellites, which are capable of zooming into a trouble making senator`s house when he is with his mistress, are finding it difficult to trace Osama.

Meanwhile, the erstwhile builder, who is now hell-bent on destroying them, manages to send audio and videotapes to TV stations.

Sometimes I wonder, if at all Osama will be caught. What will my hero Mr Bush do when his popularity ratings go down…which in turn means he would not be able to continue cleansing the World? If he has to attack a country, what will be the excuse used?

Did I hear somebody say, “That`s Bushing it too far.”

A letter to my new Computer

Dear Comp,

You are somebody I have always wanted to own. From the day I saw you huddled up in the corner of an air-conditioned room, into which 30 of us – class nine students – were herded after being forced to remove our footwear.

The day my magnanimous teachers gave me three seconds to play that `Bounce Ball` game, that your great-grandfathers came with in the early 1990s, I had decided that I should own one from your family. Did I hear you say, Imperialist? Blame it on my grand father, who once went around with a 50-year old divorced British Nurse.

In fact, there is nothing to fear, for I will not mess up with you. I hardly know anything about hardware, and as for my software skills, they are as soft as can be. You can rest assured it will be a qualified professional who would attend. As of now, you are well vaccinated.

I will not be using all those floppies and CDs that will make you ill. And if at all you get ill, we could always check with Dr. Watson. Heard he is a good Doc.

I am told you guys have a very bad immune system, what with every other family member afflicted with some virus. In my house, the most common virus is that for common cold, and I hear they don`t inhabit non-humans like you.

While at it, I must tell you about my nose – It would have been a Olympics champion if only I had registered in time for the Atlanta Games in 1998. What a runner of a nose, I have had to live with.

Your KRA will be to help me finish the book that I am yet to start. The one that, I have already named – Making Sense of Humor.

A vital part of your daily activity will be being my home entertainment system – from songs in the morning and evening, to Matter CDs in the darkness of the night. You will have to be trustworthy like Diana`s chauffer…not revealing any of my secrets. Well, at least not till I die a horrific death in some car accident, on a highway, with FoodWorld`s owners` daughter by my side.

Now that we agree on so many things, how about you, not displaying the `Bad Command` message? For, one I am your commander and two, my commands are not bad.

Yours lovingly,
Jamshed V Rajan