Narain Karthikeyan meets Sania Mirza

I always turn to the sports pages first, which records people’s accomplishments. The front page of a newspaper has nothing but man’s failures.
– Chief Justice Earl Warren

Today Narain Karthikeyan beat Michael Schumacher in the first qualifying times, at Melbourne Formula One Grand Prix. If you don`t know Narain, read on chances are you are a man and know Sania Mirza. No, she is not related Mirza Galibh.

Indian sport is going through a honeymoon phase. No, I am not trying to relate Narain and Sania here…Narain is already married and Sania has just started looking for the Mr Right who would be six-feet tall and yet would understand her.

In recent times, the twosomes have made an average Indian proud. I say ‘the average` because, I consider my self an ‘average Indian.` If you are not impressed by the exploits of these two sports men – one a Formula One driver and the other an upcoming tennis player…there is nothing to worry. Chances are you are extremely intelligent…. which leads us to the fact that you are a foreigner and thus don`t care about sports in India.

The two met recently. Don`t ask me the place. I did not arrange it. And the two had a conversation, which was overheard by an enterprising journalist called JV Rajan. That awesome journo even had the gall to record the conversation.

Everything below this line is as true as any of his other posts can get.

Narain: Hey Sania!
Sania: Hi Brother!
Narain: Now, that`s an insult. Why did you have to cut me out right at the outset? You know that I am married and won`t try anything stupid?
Sania: I thought you were quite fast. So I needed to be faster.
Narain: I am fast only when I am in a car. Haven`t you heard me talk in all those interviews I have given since making it to the Formula One? I can barely talk.
Sania: My other tells me that those that don`t talk…are the most dangerous.
Narain: Anyways, congrats on your recent success.
Sania: And hey…congrats to you too. You did not do that bad either.
Narain: Thanks. So what is up?
Sania: Even though I love this new-found celebrity status…sometimes I hate it.
Narain: Why?
Sania: The other day…one gossip magazine published my mobile number and ever since I have been getting calls. One psycho called, and when I said it was wrong number…he ends up asking me “Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?”
Narain: Smart chap. Why don`t you quit tennis. You could be normal like all others.
Sania: That is one option, but without a tennis racquet, I am like a fish without a Formula One car.
Narain: What has a fish got to do with a Formula One car?
Sania: Sorry…I thought you would be impressed with my analogy.
Narain: Some of my own friends are pretty impressed with you.
Sania: Really? And I thought only the men were after my looks.
Narain: No, these friends are men.
Sania: Oh…I see.
Narain: I am married you see. Now, I cannot run around the trees with the pit-babes.
Sania: That`s actually good for you.
Narain: What about you? Any boy-friend?
Sania: Yeah…I am looking for one. And in all probability I will keep looking for one….you know…once you are a celebrity…you cannot really give the name of your boy-friend.
Narain: One of these days somebody is going to catch you and your Mr Right in his/her mobile phone and sell it to Mid-Day. Like they did to Kareena and her boy friend.
Sania: I will be careful. Thanks for the warning. I wanted to ask you about your Formula One cars. If I want one, can I have it?
Narain: You could…but only after I crash. Which, I am sure to…considering the 300+ km/hour speed range that I have to stick to.
Sania: That`s cool. Aren`t you scared of going fast?
Narain: No not really…just that once you touch the 300kms/hr speeds…your hat keeps flying off and you got to use one hand to hold it.
Sania: Is it safe to be driving with one hand?
Narain: I always did the same in India. What can work on Indian roads can definitely work on the F1 tracks.
Sania: That`s really neat. What do you think is the plus point of being a celebrity?
Narain: Hmmm….I guess once you are a celebrity…when others get bored in your company…they think something is wrong with them. For example, they never suspect me.
Sania: Same pinch! It happened with me also. Now, all my friends think I am too cool for their comfort.
Narian: Precisely.
Sania: Narain, what advice would you give me to improve on my success?
Narain: I would suggest you follow what Ralph Charell once said: “Avoid the crowd. Do your own thinking independently. Be the chess player, not the chess piece.”
Sania: But I don`t play chess!
Narain: I know…you nose-stud… I am asking you to be a tennis player…and not the racquet or the ball.
Sania: Are you telling me that you just try to be the driver, and not the car?
Narain: Precisely. And that is what has made me India`s first Formula One driver.
Sania: Yeah…
Narain: Ok…I need to go now. Got to race.
Sania: Sure. Bye.

Another Landmark!

I am reaching the 30,000-page views landmark. Wish me luck.
And let me know if you were the 30,000th visitor!

Next post early in the morning….8.00 a.m. IST

Another Googlie by Yahoo!

Taking it from where we left on Yahoo`s 10 years…here is a link that lists out 100 landmarks achieved on the net, in the last ten years.

Damn neat. If I have to quote Kiruba, from whose Blog I took this link…and if I have to believe my eyes and senses…it is a must watch! Click Here.

Posted by JamJam Jammy on 09:53 PM 25 Comments

I am waiting for Rekha. I am home, and she is yet to come.

I can tell you waiting is bad. Before marriage, I waited long enough for her to say “Yes” to my question: “Will you marry me?” I think I had to wait for four years.

In the four years, I had started earning well and my complexion had turned wheat-ish, because of the Dove soap I had started using. Sometimes, I do wonder if she married me for my money and complexion. These girls, I tell you….

Looks like she would be home only by 10.30 p.m. and that means a long wait for me.

It was not always so. Before marriage, she would wait for my calls…she would wait for me to ask…”shall we go to the beach?”…she would wait for me to buy her an ice-cream. Now, the tables have turned.

So much so, even when she talks…I don`t listen. I just wait for my chance to talk back. I get to talk so little.

Before marriage, I always had wads of money in my wallet. Money flows like a dried up spring after she took over full control of the financial matters. Even as I type, I wait for financial prosperity.

I know…I am not as irritated as I used to be in the initial days of my marriage. Slowly, I am learning to be patient…and accept the way things are. The problem is, the more I learn to wait longer…the lesser I time I have with me. Man, ages after all.

Now, don`t ask me if women age. They don`t. They just turn into relics. Why do you think archeologists love their wives so much?

She has told me that she would be home at 10.30 p.m.. But I know she can`t be punctual. Perhaps, she agrees with Evelyn Waugh, who once said that ‘Punctuality is the virtue of the bored.` And no…. Evelyn Waugh is in no way related to Steve Waugh (Have you checked out my Cricket Blog yet?).

I am not trying to tell you that I am a cool punctual dude. Though, I used to be once; courtesy my Army-man father.

I would land up at the rendezvous ten minutes in advance…but the next person would come in at least 10 minutes after the scheduled meeting time. After a few years of being punctual…one fine day it dawned on me that there never was anybody to appreciate me being punctual. Now, I go late. Just like my wife.

Don`t ask me why I am taking this lying down (actually I am lying now and the proof is…one cannot type while lying down).

Why can`t I face up to my wife and say: “Hey, you! I have no compulsion to take this abuse from you. I’ve got thousands waiting to abuse me!”

Yahoo!

Today Yahoo! is celebrating its 10th Birthday. Yes….it was unveiled on 2nd March 1995!

To see how Yahoo! looked ten years back Click Here. Funny, how fast things move on the Internet.

Don`t get the full import of Yahoo`s 10th birth anniversary? Try comparing the first and the existing version of Yahoo!.

All the very best Yahoo! You have been quite a pal.

Categories
Uncategorized

Fruits – some thoughts

Don`t you want to remind some friend of yours to eat fruit today?

I reminded my wife…and now she has asked me to buy some when I go home in the evening. Why do I always end up axing my own foot? Comes naturally to me, I guess. Just like the fruit.

BTW, did you know that a ‘fruitcake` is a term used to describe a crazy or eccentric person? In some parts of the world it is used to describe people who are not straight in their sexual preferences.

If you are a literate person you would have heard of fruit flies. Yes, the same one that is used for genetic engineering. Did you know that for a long time it was thought that fruit flies were generated spontaneously? For more on Fruit flies Click Here.

Why am I in a fruity mood today? I have no idea. Probably it has got to do with Rekha giving me fruits for lunch. Yes, it is true…I have been coerced, black-mailed and threatened to take lunch to office. That too, cooked by Rekha.

I have been suggesting that we get a cook, but she insists. She still thinks that the way to a man`s heart is through his stomach. Wonder when we getting a cook for the house. One cannot survive on good food once every week. BTW, did I tell you that Rekha and I go out for dinner on all Saturdays?

Here is an article on why we should eat more of fruits and vegetables.

Why am I being so erratic in this post? Why are my thoughts acting like crazy? Am I a fruitcake? If yes, where is the cake part of me? I like cakes.

Now…there is one more thing that Rekha and I disagree on….I think I am a fruitcake and she thinks I am a vegetable!

Categories
Uncategorized

Quotes on what is funny and what is not

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
– Will Rogers

(You bet sir. For I don`t think what is happening to me is comedy…but these guys who are regular readers of my marriage woes think it is funny)

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not ‘Eureka!’ (I found it!) but ‘That’s funny …’
– Isaac Asimov

(I agree with you Mr Asimov (have read his book called ‘Naked Sun` – no it is not porn)

When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth.
– George Bernard Shaw

(Now you guys know, I have been writing nothing but the truth)

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
– Peter Ustinov

(Did not quite gather this, but thought somebody among you would help me out)

They’re funny things, Accidents. You never have them till you’re having them.
– Eeyore, Pooh

(Phew! Tell me about accidents. BTW….have you guys heard this one – Children in back-seats of the car cause accidents and accidents in back-seats cause children.)

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
– Horace Walpole

(Mr Horace…so you telling me that I am a thinker! You guys heard that?)

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
– Mel Brooks

(Very well said. Are you telling me that I am typing this from an open sewer?)

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
– Charlie Chaplin

(This Comedy King could not have said truer words. Comedy is really easy. I think that to make a comedy all I need is a park, a policeman, a pretty girl and my wife Rekha)

Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot.
– Charlie Chaplin

(Damn true. If you guys were in my place you will be seeing the things in my life as a close-up. Only then would you know the tragedy in my life. And you heart-less people…you have the guts to laugh at me)

Dying is easy. Comedy is difficult.
– Edmund Gwenn

(I would not want to question that. Never heard of anybody who has disproved that…probably coz nobody ever lived to tell that dying was difficult)

Sulekha-Penguin ‘India Smiles’ contest

Like hundreds, I have also submitted my story for the Sulekha-Penguin ‘India Smiles’ contest.

It is a unique contest aimed at promoting humor writing. One of my Blog readers had suggested that I participate…and I did.

Here is the story I have sent. Read it, and if you like it…leave a comment.

Titled: A Beggar`s Paradise

What is in it for me?

1st prize $2000 or Rs.1,00,000
1st runner up $200 or Rs.10,000
2nd runner up $200 or Rs. 10,000
Early Bird Prize $100 or Rs. 5000

Important: The 30 best stories get published by Penguin Books.

Unfortunately, today is the last day…if you still want to make it…Click Here

My small family and the Oscars

If I were an actor, I would have won an Oscar by now. I mean, I am all of 24-years old…but I am sure, I would have won it.

Damn it. It is easy. All I would need to know is…thank people. Those that signed me for the movie and those that helped me through my bad time. Aren`t all acceptance speeches about thanking people?

In fact, I could even score a brownie point saying that all credit goes to my wife Rekha. In a way, I would be telling the truth. She is the one who forced me to take up acting.

I was a very bad actor before marriage. When her father came to meet me, I even smelled of cigarettes. Later, I would know that there was something called ‘Method Acting,` in which one gets to use aids a la menthol candy or a Wrigley`s chewing gum to make the acting seem real.

Actually, he had asked me if I smoked, and I had said “No”.

When it comes to method acting, I am no Marlon Brando. What I mean to say is…that man kept cotton swabs inside his mouth to talk English like an Italian (that`s what I read), and he did go on to create ripples in the world of acting (seen Godfather?). But I did not quite succeed.

Once, Rekha called up to say that she was coming late and asked me to cook dinner. I decided on noodles, but was too tired so bought noodles from the nearby restaurant. Here is what I missed out from the standard Method Acting procedure –

1) I should have left some dirty dishes in the sink
2) I should have soiled the apron
3) I should have soiled the Gas stove
4) I should have left the Gas Cylinder switched on
5) I shouldn`t have left the polyethylene bag in which the parcel comes, on the dinning table
6) I should have misplaced the gas-lighter

  • Why Dinesh Karthik was selected over Dhoni?
  • Watch Out: New movie releases this year
    		•

    I was caught noodle-handed that day. Of course, now I am smarter and don`t commit such blunders.

    Sometimes, my way of acting runs into trouble…the other day she asked me to boil some milk and keep. And did you know…no shop sells boiled milk?

    Rekha is to me, what the Director of the movie God Father was to Marlon Brando.

    Over the last few months, I have honed my skills to higher levels. So much so, I have even convinced her that I don`t smoke. According to her, I have even given up drinking.
    Sometimes, I do have my own doubts….is she so gullible that I can work my way around her? Does she really believe me? Or is she also acting? And if she is….I guess the Oscar goes to…..Rekha Rajan!

    I have always had trouble with Noodles. Read this to know why I run away from noodles!