What if we didn’t have ears?

In a series of “What If” articles, we had earlier discussed What if there were no women in the World and What if I were an egg….

In this article belonging to the “What if” family, we will discuss the possibilities of humans not having ears. If the question is “What if we didn`t have ears?” the answers will be –

As soon as we are born, we will avoid the frightening statement by the gynecologist: “Nurse, hand me the scissors. I need to cut this guy`s huge placenta.”

Once out in the World, we will also be able to avoid the coochee-cooing mothers and aunts. Not to mention, those innocent grunts most fathers let out on seeing the baby and which is followed by a stupid question: “Is it a boy or a girl?” I wouldn`t really have had an issue with that question, if my father hadn`t removed the small towel I was wrapped in to check for himself.

If we didn`t have ears, there would have been no Abhimanu. This son of Arjun heard half the art of chakravyuh while still in his mother`s womb and tried to change the course of Mahabharata. If he didn`t have ears, he would have been alive today. Well not exactly…for they say Mahabharata happened (y)ears ago. Pun intended.

We wouldn`t have to listen to our mothers looking into our notebooks and say: “A for Apple, B for Boy, C for Cat…” relentlessly. We wouldn`t have to say “Yes Miss” when the class teacher called our name. We would have nodded our head in acknowledgement or just raised our hand.

When the teacher censured us with “Shall I take you to Principal`s room?,” we could have stayed our ground, not getting frightened. We could have stood our ground even when the principal threatened us by saying: “Do you want to give me your TC?” We could have stayed on the field even after the physical education teacher said: “OK boys, the PT period is over!”

As seniors in the school we would have conducted silent cultural events. There would have been no helter-skelter for the mic, no speakers blaring in our ears if we sat in the first row, there would have been nobody to shout to…

Once big enough to attend interviews, we would have had silent interviews. Even those that can`t speak proper English would have made it to big companies like (Ear)nest & Young. In offices, there would be no meetings, no conference rooms, no telephones …nothing.

In stadiums, the fans wouldn`t clap when Agassi would hit winner. Perhaps, they would just raise their right hand and acknowledge the winning shot. There would have been no Referee Mills Lane to disqualify Mike Tyson for biting Evander Holyfield on both of his ears. BTW, did you know that after that boxing match Mike Tyson was given the “Sportsman of the Ear” award?

With ears, we all would have been happy and gay. Just that, we wouldn`t have heard rain water gushing, crackling of the ground nuts, clicking of an army man`s boots, clanging of the beer bottle, lub-dub of our loved one`s heart, energetic singing of Bhupen Hazarika, fizz of a sprite bottle opening, banging of the keyboard, tinkle of the message from your dear most friend arriving on Yahoo Messenger ….no nothing.

By Jamshed V Rajan

Jammy, as Jamshed V Rajan is affectionately called, is a wannabe stand up comedian. He has a funny take on most things but documents only some of them. If you are interested in chatting up with him, do drop him an email at or message him at +919650080255.

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