Your Zodiac sign & dieting

If you didn’t know what a Zodiac is…well, it is a division of the year into 12 parts…each with a different movement of the sun, moon and the other planets. Since the movement of these celestial bodies is different during different Zodiac divisions…people born during these phase have different characteristics.

Yes, it is true…the celestial bodies decide how you behave.

No, it is NOT true that this blog post is about Zodiac signs & astrology. Instead, this is my attempt to map your Zodiac sign to the right dieting technique so that you can lose weight. Here we go:

Aries (Born between March 21 & April 20)
Aries are also known as the The Ram. Not Sita’s Ram…but the animal Ram (scientific name is definitely NOT Homo Sapiens). To ensure you lose weight stay away from meat, especially if it is Ram meat. Since, Fire is your element…ensure everything is cooked in fire before eating.

Taurus (Born between April 21 & May 21)
Taurus are also referred to as The Bull. Being a Taurean myself, I know that we eat, drink & sleep bull shit. If like me, you are also a Taurean slowly eliminate all bull shit from your diet. Care should be taken to eliminate it slowly for it has withdrawal symptoms. Since Earth is the element for all Taureans…a diet on anything that grows inside the Earth will help in losing weight. For example carrots, radish, potatoes, & earthworms.

Gemini (Born between May 22 & June 21)
Geminis are The Twins and hence you can only achieve weight loss if you work in pairs. The results will be there for all to see if you have an identical twin, who like you is hugely obese….and wants to lose weight. Air is the element for Geminis, and hence a dieting Gemini should try to keep the air intake to the minimum.

Cancer (Born between June 22 & July 22)
Cancer is a big disease. If you are a Cancer, dieting should be the least of your worries….your chemo-therapy should take care of that. A diet of Crabs will greatly reduce your weight. While eating crabs, make sure to leave the shells out else you might end up with a lot of bone weight. Since, Water is your element…drinking a lot of it will result in weight gain. Ever noticed that a drenched towel is heavier?

Leo (Born between July 23 & August 22)
You probably eat like a lion. Try the Hyena trick, which generally works for Leos. But for that you need a wife that eats up most of the food at home and leaves the remains for you when you come back from office. Another sure shot way to lose weight is to get cubs into the family…which will ensure you spend time feeding the Leo cub. For a Leo cub, you need to inseminate or get impregnated in the beginning of winter – October/November – which isn’t difficult, considering the number of Leos we have amongst us.

Virgo (Born between August 23 & September 22)
If you are a true Virgo, you are probably a virgin. Just in case you didn’t know, sex helps burn calories and thus lose weight. Drinking a lot of Bloody Mary (remember, Mary was a virgin?) will also help you lose weight. Sometimes, virginity too.

Libra (Born between September 23 & October 22)
Since your motto is ‘balancing act’ you are most likely to succeed in dieting. You will need to weigh everything you eat against the pleasure it will give you and then decide on whether to eat or not. Remember, you have nothing to do with the “scales” on a fish…so you can consume as much fish as possible without the fear of gaining weight. Just don’t go for chicken, else you might end up saying “Dam!” like the fish that hit a wall under the water.

Scorpio (Born between October 23 & November 21)
However hard Mahindra & Mahindra might try to convince you…remember…you are not an off-roader. You need sting in your food…so have a lot of pickle. To lose weight, follow up every morsel of food with a spoonful of pickle. Since, Water is your element you can always have a glass of water after every spoonful of pickle.

Sagittarius (Born between November 22 & December 21)
You are the Archer, so you should try and start hunting & eating. Hunting will help you burn calories, while eating sparrows & crows & squirrels – which are the only wildlife you will find in our cities – will ensure you lose weight. If you are in New York, you might find an occasional dinosaur destroying the city…that’s if some movie shooting is going on.

Capricorn (Born between December 22 & January 20)
Your animal is sea-goat. Being a goat is bad enough, but being a sea-goat? If you want to lose weight, you should indulge in sea food. If you are of marriageable age…see if you can either marry a Bengali or a Keralite for enough of sea food at home. If you are already married to a non-communist (why are both the communist ruled states in India so fish-friendly?)…suggest you rent/buy a house near a good sea-food restaurant.

Aquarius (Born between January 21 & February 19)
Aquarians are ruled by the planets Saturn & Uranus. Saturn will ensure that your mind goes haywire when you see food….while Uranus will ensure that what ever you eat gets out of your digestive system (re-read if you didn’t get this awesome joke!). You are the only Zodiac sign that can eat anything and wash it down in a single flush.

Pisces (Born between January 21 & February 19)
Needless to say, you need to rely on sea food. But only two fish at a time…anything more and you might start putting on weight. My personal advice to all Pisces will be to go for an aquarium at home, but start with at least six fish every day – why go to bed empty stomach?

Other Funny Reads

# Different types of fathers in law
# Jammy’s weakly predictions – Part 1
# Diseases – the evolution
# Check-mate over the phone
# Growth Pangs – for a 30+ man
# The frog in my father in law’s house

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Posted by Jamshed V Rajan on Nov 1 2008. Filed under Current Affairs. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry