Hair growth on your ears? Remove them!

For the last 8-9 years of my life, there has been one outstanding feature of my personality – my ears….to be more specific, the hair on my ears.

Legend is that when the local barber`s scissors ran over my father`s hair…the neighboring village knew that my father was having a haircut. His hair was so strong and resisted death so much. But he lacked one feature…he didn`t have hair on his ears.

I remember studying in school that sometimes a particular gene is left in one generation and re-appears in the next – a phenomenon called Atavism (More on Atavism). Maybe, I have my grandpa to blame for the black, bushy set of hair on my ears.

Anyway, when I was 24 and the growth had just begun I asked my mother what this was and being the shy lady that she is, she just said: “Son, this means you are becoming a man. Now, start behaving like one.”

For the next nine years…I fought the battle alone. Today, I paid Rs 10,000 to VLCC (Vandana Luthra’s Cuts and Curves – yes, this is what VLCC means!) and now we will fight the battle together.

The decision to pay VLCC Rs 10,000 wasn`t easy. The hair on my ear was really getting to my nerves…the nerves around my shoulders that is. Here are some of the problems I have faced because of them:

1) In meetings, after taking my visiting card, and staring at it for a few seconds…the executives would look up at my face…only to stare at the dark, bushy growth on my ears. I would have to clear my throat or say “And you were saying?” to distract them.

2) You all know that I met up with Priyanka Khattri, a 22 year old beautiful lass, on my birthday this year. We were in my house and during an intimate moment, I said: “I wish I could get lost inside your sweet smelling hair,” to which she replied: “And I wish, I could say the same about the hair on your ears.” Before she left my house, she did mention that from my photographs she could never tell that I had hair on my ears. What was she hinting at? She hasn`t called me since.

3) In my house, whenever we had to buy a mop…my wife would give money to the maid …and if I was nearby, the maid would look at me and smile. I knew she was looking at my ears…but Rekha never believed and maintained I was being paranoid. For up to a week after the maid looked at me like that, I would get nightmares where she would dip me in a bucket full of dirty water, squeeze me on the walls of the bucket and mop the floor with me.

There have been some benefits too. For example, when I rode my Yamaha 135cc bike in Chennai, nobody would be able to overtake me without the hair from my ears falling into their eyes. So I rode alone, and I rode ahead.

As I was saying, I visited VLCC after a friend suggested.

A lady can very easily enter a man`s domain (a men`s college for instance)…we men will revere her courage, follow the sways of her hips in intimate detail but keep away….because we are scared of the consequences. A man entering a woman`s bastion is totally different. Women are very strong in their bastions (a VLCC like beauty, slimming center for instance). They don`t look at the man`s swaying hips and stay away…they walk up to the man and say: “Yes Sire, How can I help you?”

She was pretty & wore the VLCC uniform, which any way was designed to seduce the s*#t out of any male who by mistake entered the premises. And God was she friendly or what? When was the last time any girl got friendly with me? From her name plate, I knew she was Pooja.

“Hmm…I have heard…hmm…you have a procedure…for hair removal?” I blurted out.

“Sure sir, we can help you with that. From where do you want to remove the hair?”

Shucks! In my anxiety I had forgotten to mention my ears. At that moment, I could have distributed a million dollars amongst the poor if I only I could hide my smile but I couldn`t. She smiled back and said, “Sir, you haven`t answered my question.”

Pooja was sprawled on my bare chest and removing the hairs one by one, when I heard her shout on top of her voice: “Sirrrrrrrr…you haven`t answered my question, yet.”

“Ohh…sorry. I have hair on my ears which I want removed. I heard you have an effective procedure?”

“Yes sir. Why don`t you take your seat, I will personally take you to our resident doctor the moment she is free.”

I nodded my head, and took a seat. After sitting down, I realized I was the only male sitting amongst seven pretty ladies and what was even worse – all were staring at me. I considered it as one of the drawbacks of being a handsome, young man and ignored their stares. But couldn`t. I tried fiddling with my iPhone, but it wasn`t affective either because the very next minute four of the seven women took their iPhones out of their designer bags.

Those were the longest 10 minutes of my life….ohh wait…no they were the second longest. The longest ten minutes was when in class nine, I took a girl classmate to a movie, and had to wait for the movie to begin and the lights to be switched off before I could hold her hands.

“Sir, Dr Renu is waiting for you.”

“Sure.” Every word took its toll on me.

Once inside Dr Renu`s room, I explained how I had heard of VLCC`s procedure to remove and reduce hair on the ear. Dr Renu seemed to be impressed with me, for she came close to me, held my ear and looked at it in great detail. Pooja also did the same with my other ear. This was perhaps the closest I would ever go to fulfilling my fantasy of being with two women. I smiled again.

“Am I tickling you?” It was Dr Renu.

“No Doctor. Please take your time.”

Mind you, we Rajans are born with great amount of self control. Despite being a man in his 33s, and being a desperate being…I was able to hold myself. Just when I was reveling in these two women holding my ears, one of them started breathing down my neck. (Here is one rare instance when a girl has shown tremendous self control, when with me)

“Sir, it will be Rs 10,000.” It is important to note that she mentioned the amount while holding my ears and breathing down my neck. What can a man do under such circumstances? Like a man, I said: “Sure. No issues.”

The moment, β€˜sure` escaped my lips…the two women let go. They got me to give my debit card before the effects wore down, and within 60 seconds…I had paid Rs 10,000 and signed for it too.

“Sir, the treatment will be spread over the next six months, and you will have to visit us every month.”

“Sure. No sweat.” Why would any man complain?

“Sir, can you follow me. We will have your first session right away.”

Click Here to read Ouchmytoe in a Feed ReaderOnce inside a room sprinkled with advanced machinery, I was asked to remove my shoes and lie down on a bed. Dr Renu and her assistant (Not Pooja, she handled the Reception) went about making arrangements for the procedure.

While lying down on a bed, without ones shoes…and with two other women in the room…there is a lot that a man can imagine. I wondered why God had placed the ears above the shoulders…why not on the stomach, why not on the thighs. The list was endless.

“Sir, we will be burning your hair…so this is going to hurt a bit.”

“Yeah? Hurt? You never told me this before I paid the amount?!”

“Don`t worry sir, we will also blow cold air on your ears when we burn the hair on your ears with a really hot rod. The cold air acts like an anesthetic.”

“How hot is the rod?”

“Sir, we have never measured the temperature…but its good enough to burn. But don`t worry, after the procedure is over we will give you names of two ointments for burns that you can buy and apply on your ears.”

“That bad huh?”

I didn`t get an answer. Ten minutes later, I was out of the bed with a pair of ears that hurt like hell (now, there are visible burn marks on my ears). Apparently, my next appointment is on October 3.

On second thoughts…shouldn`t VLCC be paying me?

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44 thoughts on “Hair growth on your ears? Remove them!

  1. 1. After paying 10 grand, you sure did give them your ear. And to think of it, you are going to give your ear to them, for the next six months !

    2. In an unrelated comment, i read that congressmen, were happy if they had Sonia Gandhi’s ear.

    Hmm. No. 1 & 2 arent connected. Its just my elementary mind.

  2. Apparently this condition is called ‘Hypertrichosis’ and all my lecturers have it πŸ˜€
    I thought it was Vandana Luthra blah blah & not Vadodara Luthra blah blah

  3. @ uvaraj: Totally twice the burn. Always wanted God to have given us a few more ears, for all its benefits…but yesterday was glad there were only two to be burnt!

    As for the Oct 3 report, I just hope I get to meet a new pretty face πŸ˜‰

  4. @ Kavi: Oh didnt think of ‘giving the ear’ like that….else that would have also made it to the article as a joke.

    As for the congressmen, yeah…ear on ear they have lived their lives like that. Earlier, they were glad to have Indira Gandhi’s ear and now Sonia Gandhi and in future don’t be surprised if its Priyanka Gandhi

  5. @ sohini: ah! I could actually courier you the ears. I am only scared of one part, the courier guys actually staple the contents of the envelope to the envelope…..and that could hurt.

    Wonder if you seen Jim Carrey’s movie in which he tells his girl friend that he has his Grand father’s eyes and when she turns to face him and look at his eyes, he takes out a pair of eyes from his trouser pockets?

  6. @ s w a t: Yes thanks you are right it is ‘Vandana’…will correct it now.

    Most lecturers have it…it is said that this condition is observed in generations/people that are closer to the monkeys in terms of generation years. I could be wrong in this hypothesis πŸ˜‰

  7. Hi Jammy, this condition (of having ears on hair….ooops hair on ears) is called ‘Hypertrichosis’. And like many other not-so-good traits, this one is restricted to males. Blame the ‘Y’ chromosome. πŸ™‚

    If you don’t remember me (from my previous comments on your blog), let me just remind you that I am one of the lovers of your blog. I am a researcher by profession and I just finished my PhD in Biology (Yay!!!).

  8. @ amreekandesi: The oily, shiny black hair will totally be missed…if VLCC manages to do what i paid them for. Unfortunately, the wait is 6 months long.

    ON my wife burning my hair on the ears…didn’t want to give her ideas. Besides, sometimes I sleep off while she is awake…which could be dangerous…the proverbial playing with fire, if you know what i mean

  9. @ Shazia: Yes missy, thanks for pointing out that my biology wasn’t that great. Though trust me, my bio teacher was awesome. Geeta Kumari, she was called…pretty funky name for those times (pre 1993)!

    And what are the other NOT-SO-Good traits that get passed on thro’ the Y-Chromosome? Ability to handle a cockroach, rat etc? Ability to drive/ride on a road? What else?? πŸ˜‰

    And yes, I remember you…and uff how many times will you tell me you are a PhD????? Just coz, I am an illiterate?

  10. Take it ligght jammy.

    Shazia didnt intend to offend you by highlighting her “Doctoral” status.
    she was only trying to establish her credentials… of all the people you should know ( not that i know u personally to make this comment but judging only by ur blog) that girls do this naturally.

  11. that was hilarious.. the jammy touche could be seen in this post πŸ™‚
    you are at your very best when you deal with girls πŸ™‚

    awesome.. more please..

    are we having any more flight experiences? with KF airhostesses?

  12. Hey Jammy,

    Please don’t mind me telling you about my PhD. I didn’t want to boast about it. It is true that it is constantly on my mind these days that I finally submitted my thesis after spending 6 years of my life in a laboratory where the sun failed to reach and I keep telling all my friends about my success. But i was not showing-off or anything like that.
    I just wanted to make you recall me as we have exchanged comments earlier. Now I am not going to mention that degree again, but you have to promise that you will remember me :).
    And regarding your biology not being great, if you want I can give you free tuitions. What do you say?
    And about the not-so-good traits associated with the Y chromosome, i would write a post on my blog sometime soon. So wait and watch.

    @ Zilcogol: Thanks. Though you are not completely right. πŸ™‚

  13. @Shazia : I am often not right, and i can live with it.

    but as curiosity killed the cat… i am eager to know why exactly u think i was not “completely right”?

  14. @ Zilcogol: Ohh guys…I just hope you aren’t taking me seriously…are you?
    I was just kidding with Shazia. Would I ever offend a girl? That too a well educated one?

    And yes…I agree with you girls do tend to show off sometimes. But doubt if Shazia was trying to show off.

  15. @chriz: Thanks for that ‘Jammy touche’ thingie though I promise that it was the girls that were touching me and Jammy wasn’t!!

    As for your comment that I am my very best when i deal with the girls…I wish a girl would say that!

  16. @ Shazia: Hey pls …I wasn’t making fun of you and your PHD. I was just kidding….I am surprised you took me seriously. Esp since you have been reading my blogs for a while. So, do you seriously believe that i am an illiterate?

    Answers to your other questions:
    1) Yes, I want free biology lessons. How do we take this forward?

    2) Yes! I promise i will read the article on not-so-good traits that Y-Chromosomes bring about

    3) Yes! I do remember you and will NOT forget you in this life (This might cause heartburns for my wife, but for your sake I am willing to risk them)

  17. @ Zilcogol: Mate…be good to the women around. I will be forced to be nasty with you if you make fun of Shazia, again. πŸ˜‰

    And did curiosity kill the cat?? :-O…for the last 33 years i have been thinking that curiosity kill the crow??!!!

  18. Ur wish is my command sir.

    I would have loved it even more had someone else spoken these words.

    Btw the proverb tends to be modified/improvised to suit situations. πŸ˜‰

    and yes please convey… “Happy anniversary” to rekha ji.

  19. Jammy I really don’t think that you are illiterate (why would I?). I am actually impressed with you and your writing skills. πŸ™‚

    Regarding Biology lessons, tell me what area of biology are you most interested in. I will prepare the basic ppt presentation and mail you. (Am i taking this too seriously?)

    Thanks for promising me that you won’t forget me and risking your life (Is Rekha reading this?).

    @ Zilcogol
    You were right when you said that I wasn’t trying to offend Jammy.
    And you were wrong in saying “…girls often do this..”.
    And now don’t dare making fun of me, since Jammy has already warned you against it. Beware!

  20. ohh my god…
    you were so close to “it” Shazia…. and yet so far.

    I could have done with you threatening to be nasty with me πŸ˜‰

  21. You are LUCKY … real damn lucky. Hair growth on your ears?? thats nothing compared to what others are going through. To give you an example..

    I am an “otherwise” young-ish guy with no physical or mental abnormalities but what creeps me out and sometimes others is the fact that there are strands of hair peeking out of my respiratorial faculty. I probably would have not bothered about it but for the fact that the ‘outliers’ would generally happen to be those rare ones that pigment wise they seem similar to caucasians standing in a group of niggers.

    Do let me know if Pooja and Dr Renu would be willing to breathe down my neck to estimate how much it would cost to get these removed.

  22. HiJammy,
    Well written buddy, cheeks r hurting smiling, n imagining ur burnt ears….cant believe ur going back to get them repaired…. πŸ˜€ lolz, gud luck n will look forward fr the update post 3/10.

    cheers

  23. Hi Jammy,

    Well written buddy !! cheeks r hurting smiling n imagining ur burnt ears ! i cant believe ur going back to get them repaired :D, gud luck n luk frwd fr the update post 3/10.

    cheers

  24. Jimmy You Fool.!!! Learned nothing from your father! Paid 10K for what your friendly neighborhood barber would have done for free every month–PK

  25. oops how did i miss this post? It was well written..

    the comments of zilcogol and doctor [phd] were also interesting.

    but i would like to advise the phd doctor that no one is interested in the efforts we put up to get that degree; our education should not make us conceited

    anyways best of luck phd doctor, you have got a best friend in raj…..

    please dont reply to this comment … πŸ˜‰

  26. Man, talk about a fantastic post! I?ve stumbled across your blog a few Instances inside the previous, but I usually forgot to bookmark it. But not again! Thanks for posting the way in which you do, I genuinely value seeing a person who truly has a viewpoint and isn?t genuinely just bringing back up crap like almost all other writers these days. Keep it up!

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