For the last 8-9 years of my life, there has been one outstanding feature of my personality – my ears….to be more specific, the hair on my ears.
Legend is that when the local barber`s scissors ran over my father`s hair…the neighboring village knew that my father was having a haircut. His hair was so strong and resisted death so much. But he lacked one feature…he didn`t have hair on his ears.
I remember studying in school that sometimes a particular gene is left in one generation and re-appears in the next – a phenomenon called Atavism (More on Atavism). Maybe, I have my grandpa to blame for the black, bushy set of hair on my ears.
Anyway, when I was 24 and the growth had just begun I asked my mother what this was and being the shy lady that she is, she just said: “Son, this means you are becoming a man. Now, start behaving like one.”
For the next nine years…I fought the battle alone. Today, I paid Rs 10,000 to VLCC (Vandana Luthra’s Cuts and Curves – yes, this is what VLCC means!) and now we will fight the battle together.
The decision to pay VLCC Rs 10,000 wasn`t easy. The hair on my ear was really getting to my nerves…the nerves around my shoulders that is. Here are some of the problems I have faced because of them:
1) In meetings, after taking my visiting card, and staring at it for a few seconds…the executives would look up at my face…only to stare at the dark, bushy growth on my ears. I would have to clear my throat or say “And you were saying?” to distract them.
2) You all know that I met up with Priyanka Khattri, a 22 year old beautiful lass, on my birthday this year. We were in my house and during an intimate moment, I said: “I wish I could get lost inside your sweet smelling hair,” to which she replied: “And I wish, I could say the same about the hair on your ears.” Before she left my house, she did mention that from my photographs she could never tell that I had hair on my ears. What was she hinting at? She hasn`t called me since.
3) In my house, whenever we had to buy a mop…my wife would give money to the maid …and if I was nearby, the maid would look at me and smile. I knew she was looking at my ears…but Rekha never believed and maintained I was being paranoid. For up to a week after the maid looked at me like that, I would get nightmares where she would dip me in a bucket full of dirty water, squeeze me on the walls of the bucket and mop the floor with me.
There have been some benefits too. For example, when I rode my Yamaha 135cc bike in Chennai, nobody would be able to overtake me without the hair from my ears falling into their eyes. So I rode alone, and I rode ahead.
As I was saying, I visited VLCC after a friend suggested.
A lady can very easily enter a man`s domain (a men`s college for instance)…we men will revere her courage, follow the sways of her hips in intimate detail but keep away….because we are scared of the consequences. A man entering a woman`s bastion is totally different. Women are very strong in their bastions (a VLCC like beauty, slimming center for instance). They don`t look at the man`s swaying hips and stay away…they walk up to the man and say: “Yes Sire, How can I help you?”
She was pretty & wore the VLCC uniform, which any way was designed to seduce the s*#t out of any male who by mistake entered the premises. And God was she friendly or what? When was the last time any girl got friendly with me? From her name plate, I knew she was Pooja.
“Hmm…I have heard…hmm…you have a procedure…for hair removal?” I blurted out.
“Sure sir, we can help you with that. From where do you want to remove the hair?”
Shucks! In my anxiety I had forgotten to mention my ears. At that moment, I could have distributed a million dollars amongst the poor if I only I could hide my smile but I couldn`t. She smiled back and said, “Sir, you haven`t answered my question.”
Pooja was sprawled on my bare chest and removing the hairs one by one, when I heard her shout on top of her voice: “Sirrrrrrrr…you haven`t answered my question, yet.”
“Ohh…sorry. I have hair on my ears which I want removed. I heard you have an effective procedure?”
“Yes sir. Why don`t you take your seat, I will personally take you to our resident doctor the moment she is free.”
I nodded my head, and took a seat. After sitting down, I realized I was the only male sitting amongst seven pretty ladies and what was even worse – all were staring at me. I considered it as one of the drawbacks of being a handsome, young man and ignored their stares. But couldn`t. I tried fiddling with my iPhone, but it wasn`t affective either because the very next minute four of the seven women took their iPhones out of their designer bags.
Those were the longest 10 minutes of my life….ohh wait…no they were the second longest. The longest ten minutes was when in class nine, I took a girl classmate to a movie, and had to wait for the movie to begin and the lights to be switched off before I could hold her hands.
“Sir, Dr Renu is waiting for you.”
“Sure.” Every word took its toll on me.
Once inside Dr Renu`s room, I explained how I had heard of VLCC`s procedure to remove and reduce hair on the ear. Dr Renu seemed to be impressed with me, for she came close to me, held my ear and looked at it in great detail. Pooja also did the same with my other ear. This was perhaps the closest I would ever go to fulfilling my fantasy of being with two women. I smiled again.
“Am I tickling you?” It was Dr Renu.
“No Doctor. Please take your time.”
Mind you, we Rajans are born with great amount of self control. Despite being a man in his 33s, and being a desperate being…I was able to hold myself. Just when I was reveling in these two women holding my ears, one of them started breathing down my neck. (Here is one rare instance when a girl has shown tremendous self control, when with me)
“Sir, it will be Rs 10,000.” It is important to note that she mentioned the amount while holding my ears and breathing down my neck. What can a man do under such circumstances? Like a man, I said: “Sure. No issues.”
The moment, ‘sure` escaped my lips…the two women let go. They got me to give my debit card before the effects wore down, and within 60 seconds…I had paid Rs 10,000 and signed for it too.
“Sir, the treatment will be spread over the next six months, and you will have to visit us every month.”
“Sure. No sweat.” Why would any man complain?
“Sir, can you follow me. We will have your first session right away.”
Once inside a room sprinkled with advanced machinery, I was asked to remove my shoes and lie down on a bed. Dr Renu and her assistant (Not Pooja, she handled the Reception) went about making arrangements for the procedure.
While lying down on a bed, without ones shoes…and with two other women in the room…there is a lot that a man can imagine. I wondered why God had placed the ears above the shoulders…why not on the stomach, why not on the thighs. The list was endless.
“Sir, we will be burning your hair…so this is going to hurt a bit.”
“Yeah? Hurt? You never told me this before I paid the amount?!”
“Don`t worry sir, we will also blow cold air on your ears when we burn the hair on your ears with a really hot rod. The cold air acts like an anesthetic.”
“How hot is the rod?”
“Sir, we have never measured the temperature…but its good enough to burn. But don`t worry, after the procedure is over we will give you names of two ointments for burns that you can buy and apply on your ears.”
“That bad huh?”
I didn`t get an answer. Ten minutes later, I was out of the bed with a pair of ears that hurt like hell (now, there are visible burn marks on my ears). Apparently, my next appointment is on October 3.
On second thoughts…shouldn`t VLCC be paying me?
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