Best cure for Swine Flu – Laughter

Swine Flu is like Susan Boyle. It hasn’t really done much, but anyone with an internet connection has heard of it. – Read somewhere on the internet [Not heard of Susan Boyle?]

I know this article on Swine Flu is late. By the time you read this, it might not even be fashionable to speak about Swine Flu…but what could I do…there weren`t enough Swine Flu jokes on internet that I could copy.

The last time a girl called me a PIG, I thanked her for calling me a Pretty Indian Guy. But now times have changed and the same retort doesn`t hold good. Girls have started calling me a SWINE.

This article wouldn`t have come about, if it weren`t for my two and a half year old daughter who insisted that I re-read for the 1000th time the story titled: “The Three Little Pigs”. If my daughter wants something, she gets it….after all she is a cereal killer (Yes! She loves cereal. By the way, I am the first serial killer in my house…I never let Rekha watch any serials on TV). Anyway, coming back to the point…both my wife and I are scared of my daughter…so I re-read The Three Little Pigs story for the 1000th time.

Mid way thro` the story I realized that it is the wolf and NOT Mexico that should be blamed for Swine Flu. If only the Wolf was a smart & strong blower…the three pigs would have died before they started infecting us all. (Not read the kid`s story, Three Little Pigs? Read it here).

I have another conspiracy theory that I will stand by in any court of law. I seriously think the Swine Flu is Osama Bin Laden`s handiwork. His sleeper agents in England & France started getting active in 1994 and by March 1996 the British Beef was banned and the Mad Cow Disease epidemic was born (View Mad Cow Disease Timeline). Osama`s plan didn`t go as he would have wanted and the US, one of the major consumers of steak, didn`t get affected much.

Osama Bin Laden then asked his sleeper agents in Hong Kong to start sleeping with Hens & their husbands (the roosters)…which resulted in the Avian Flu transferring to the Humans. What common folks like you don`t know is that of the 14 deaths that happened due to Bird Flu in Hong Kong in 2001, 10 were Osama`s sleeper agents (View Bird Flu Timeline). Five years & and ten deaths later…Osama Bin Laden would rue the day China declared Bird Flu Emergency…while US just laughed away unharmed.

Osama did make one last attempt to create havoc in US thro` the bird flu – he tried to murder Donald Duck and pass it off as a case of Bird Flu. Unfortunately, when Osama`s sleeper agents kidnapped Donald Duck from in front of Disney Land`s entrance and tried to strangle him…a well built but naked man came out of Donald Duck`s clothes and ran away. I remember reading somewhere that Osama was surprised & shocked to know that Donald Duck isn`t a real bird.

After the Mad Cow disease failed to work, and Bird Flu refused to fly…Osama had to think of Swine Flu….and this time he has asked his sleeper agents in Mexico to sleep with Pigs.

Since the US had smartened after Osama`s biological warfare on US, Osama had to import the pigs in spare parts from different parts of the World and get them assembled in Mexico. Something similar to what Abdul Qadeer Khan, Father of Pakistan`s nuclear bomb did, to build his nuclear bomb. When Ouchmytoe`s correspondents tried to reach Abdul Qadeer Khan for his comments, all he had to say was: “I am upset with what my country has given in return…look at what India has given its Father of the Nuclear Bomb – APJ Abdul Kalam.”

I don`t know if you guys have seen people walking around in public places wearing stupid looking surgical masks. I have and I found that pathetic…with so many deaths from so many other diseases…why spread the panic that`s as common as common cold?

Not that I am not scared. The other day, not knowing that it was my wife who had plaited a pigtail for my daughter Rhea, I immediately rushed my daughter to the doctor…asking him if it was a Swine Flu symptom. Since the doctor knew me well, he handed me a tin and said: “Just apply this oinkment on Rhea`s forehead, twice a day and she will be fine in 3-4 days.”

Ghulam Nabi Azad, Minister of Health & Family Welfare of the Government of India is much smarter than I am. He has come up with a very smart plan to handle Swine Flu…his 9-word plan is: Stop eating bacon and pork…buy fish instead.”

I wouldn`t really mind if he had stuck to his 9-word plan….but now he has also banned Mexican Waves from all sporting events. “We will ban anything that`s Mexican,” he said in a press conference.

The never-accept-what-the-Government-says IPL commissioner Lalit Modi did try to get special permission for Mexican Waves in his IPL tournaments, citing public interest as the reason…but failed. When last heard he was in Hawaii popularizing a similar wave…just re-naming it as the Hawaiian wave.

As if his rule banning Mexican waves wasn`t enough Ghulam Nabi Azad also appeared on TV to say that swine flu was dangerous for every single person in India. I didn`t quite like the way he has been spreading the panic….but his statement does take a huge burden off my shoulders….for I am married and NOT single.

Other Funny Reads

Funny Post 1: How do I get six packs in three months?
Funny Post 2: Oh! Morse Code again!
Funny Post 3: What if there were no women in the World
Funny Post 4: When I wanted to become a suicide bomber
Funny Post 5: Is my daughter a super hero?

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By Jamshed V Rajan

Jammy, as Jamshed V Rajan is affectionately called, is a wannabe stand up comedian. He has a funny take on most things but documents only some of them. If you are interested in chatting up with him, do drop him an email at or message him at +919650080255.

22 replies on “Best cure for Swine Flu – Laughter”

@ Ammu: Chaos it is…and you know the Chaos Theory…don’t you? Here, I have typed it below for your reference:

Chaos Theory is defined as ipsum urna, mollis vel porta at, aliquet ultricies metus. Aenean dignissim eros ut dui scelerisque nec tincidunt nulla euismod. Phasellus quam orci, commodo sed porta ac, laoreet quis dolor. Ut metus eros, vehicula sit amet pretium quis, pharetra at purus. In et massa nec sapien rutrum volutpat. Aenean nec justo orci. Quisque dapibus augue dui, vel commodo dolor. Morbi nec odio lacus, nec feugiat nunc. Sed id mi et ante porta gravida. Vestibulum nec hendrerit ipsum. Sed id erat ac augue iaculis fermentum vel ac mi. Nunc sapien orci, imperdiet sit amet rutrum eu, sollicitudin vitae felis.

osama would have a fit!! ๐Ÿ™‚ Awesome post. I wonder how you find the time to get into such extensive research. Do tell me. Maybe I will learn some time management tactics.

@ vibha: Want to learn Time Management from me? I would suggest you learn ‘Reputation Recognition’ first…so that you don’t go around learning things from people who are good for nothings.

And what you are calling Extensive Research…well, thanks to Lord Larry and Paster Page.

Omg! I just stumbled across your blog and I love it! Probably the wittiest one I’ve read in a while. I think I may have to steal the quote “Swine Flu is like Susan Boyle. It hasnรขโ‚ฌโ„ขt really done much, but anyone with an internet connection has heard of it.” for my twitter (and give you credit).

Dying of laughter.


Jams – good always.. antha kadikara pazhakkam unna vittu pogala.. nallathu thaan.. athu illenna you cannot write ๐Ÿ™‚

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