The initial months of pregnancy

In the last few months we have been talking babies almost every day. I am so psyched by all this baby talk that as soon as my wife starts off “Our baby….,” I start the baby talk myself “Gaa ..Baa…Raa …Gaa …Gaa.”

Baby Baby everywhere!Apparently, three of her best friends – only women can have three best friends – are pregnant. My wife said:  said: “Three of my best friends are also pregnant. Our delivery dates fall within a month.”

“Great…but why you looking at me like that? Are you suspecting me of something?”

If you have been married and have delivered a young mammal you probably understand how important it is to maintain secrecy in the first three months. Rekha and I did manage to maintain the secrecy – at last count only 300 of the outside circle of friends and relatives know. But it is really difficult to maintain a secret with a wife who pukes this bad and sports a stomach the size of a traffic constable.

Here is what happened during our second visit to the gynecologist. Even as we waited, I saw the name board “Amudha Hari” and wondered why such doctors were known as Gynecologists.

Once inside, I piped Rekha to the post and asked the doctor: “Why are you called a gynecologist?”
 
“I am a woman`s doctor and ‘gynaik` in Greek means ‘woman`.”

“Are you sure that`s the origin? Because I thought earlier gynecologists treated injured ‘guy`s necks` and that`s why even to this day they are referred to as Gynecs.”

“Guy`s necks?”

“Yes, in the olden days, the war soldiers used to wear an amour on their torso, a metal helmet on their head and the only portion left unattended was their neck.”

“OK…and?”

“And Gynecologists were the medical practitioners who attended to their neck injures. After the wars dwindled and the soldiers started losing their lives in peace keeping operations, gynecologists moved to the next lucrative business – baby producing.”

At this, the doctor looked at my wife, who stood up for me and said I was just fine. Rekha assured the doctor that it was the pressure of suddenly being thrust into fatherhood.

I heard the doctor say “If you insist” before she started going through the lab reports again.

I was terribly upset. I had cut a sorry figure in front of the doctor I will be seeing for the next six months. I had to make amends and I had to make it now.

“Doctor, my wife has been puking a lot. Anything I can do to stop that?”

“The puking is because a foreign body had nested itself inside your wife and her body needs time to adjust.”

Her answer confused me. Was she saying that I will get a foreigner as a child? If it was going to be a foreigner…how did the doctor know? Will it be white? Or will it be Afro-American?

“Doctor.. are you saying that we will not have an Indian baby but a foreign baby?”

At this Rekha kept her hand over mine and stopped me. In years of marriage one understands such messages. She then apologized to the doctor. She said: “I am sorry doc, my husband has had a lot to handle lately.”

The doctor gave me a compassionate smile and then I saw her lips move. She had turned towards Rekha and was now whispering: “I understand your husband`s situation. No, issues.”

At this I had jumped up and asked: “No issues? I thought you just confirmed the pregnancy!” After that I don`t know what hit me, I just blacked out.

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40 thoughts on “The initial months of pregnancy

  1. Hilarious! Vintage Jammy stuff! You should also have credits running at the end of each post “This part of ouchmytoe sponsored by the unsuspecting guy-neck!”

  2. soooooo shweet……..
    LOL’s at soo one excellent one-liners….only a girl can have 3 best friends…

    “Three of my best friends are also pregnant. Our delivery dates fall within a month.”
    “Great…but why you looking at me like that? Are you suspecting me of something?”…Kya Baat Hai Jammy ????

    Ohh Bravo Gynec whose handling Jammy !! 😛

  3. Hilarious!!

    I’ve been following your blog for months, but this is the first time I thought I should leave a comment. Looks a lot like you know more about women than any of us do about ourselves.

  4. Arun: just coz she is an amazing gynecologist and takes good care of my wife, I shouldn’t take undue advantage of her. I could give her credit…but how could I when she is the biggest reason for all those debits from my account?

  5. Mehak: Ha ha ha… in your hurry to appreciate you forgot to notice that it took me 1500 words to come up with one brilliant one-liner!
    At the “suspecting me of something?” this really happened. I would later come to know that the expression for “I love you” and the expression for “I suspect you” is the same. Hence the confusion.

    As for the Gynec whose is handling Jammy…believe me…she knows where my switch is…she prefers to meet me only when Rekha is around.

  6. dd: Nothing is wrong with the name. My sentence says…as I was looking at the name board I wondered why she wa called a Gynecologist. Thats all.
    In fact, Amudha Hari is such a nice name we plan to have it for our baby if it is a girl. 🙂

  7. Ashesh: thanks mate!~ Keep the ompliments coming…I will do my bit. And like it happens in the Hindi movie Baagban…is any of your parent a publisher in London?

  8. Nina: It is simple…it is called “The Fear of Unknown.” Well, sometimes the gynecs happen to be pretty and the husbands end up wanting to show their best side – the sensitive side

  9. Kausik: “Is the gyne good looking”
    – Yes she is. But let us not even go there. She is a respectable figure and let us keep it that way. IN fact, I mentioned here name here without taking her permission. I hope she is ok with it.

    “Poor rekha, how is she going to put up with you, for the next 6 months.”
    – Not 6 months. Only three…she leaves for the serene environs of Kerala after that. Pity is, after she leaves Chennai also becomes serene!

  10. Priya: Definately. In fact, when I see Rekha pregnant…I wonder what would have happened if I had gotten pregnant by mistake.

  11. Gayathri: Ms Iyer…you could be somebody I know. I checked your blog and found links to people I have known for years. Have you seen me in any of the offices that you have worked in? Like the Waste Management Corporation, Sewage Custodians, Lighthouse Blub Cleaners Incorporated?

    @ “Looks a lot like you know more about women than any of us do about ourselves.”

    I don’t really want to be seen as a brag-ster because in 2028 I am contesting for elections. No comments. 😉

  12. Ramesh: I was thinking…maybe my farewell mail should be posted on my blog and I send only the link to friends. Some website promotion that must be… ;-0

  13. LOL, Yeah I worked in Sify. I was with the “Write Shit for e-Learning” team. 😀

    And the reason I know a lot of ppl from the Creative team is cos I was rowing for Sify during 2002 and 2003.

    And don’t you worry about the elections, I could take up some special campaigning for ya!

  14. LOL@ one-liner with 1500 words…..

    ohhhh So you are not having 1-1 dates with the gynec…..Rekha is always around……yeh bahut naainsaafi hai yaaro 🙁

  15. Only you can think like this man… Too Funny… I rolled and rolled and with laughter … Not to forget the tears which came rolling down…

    Jammy, what will happen if the hubby starts puking when their wife is preggy? With a Traffic constable belly??? Ha ha ha..
    that too god makes you a vegetable for that and tries this BLESSING on U!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Ha ha haaaaaaaaaa!!!!

  16. Rajan, i never knew you had already answered Priya .. If you were to be prgegy.. BTW… are you serious man in saying that Chennai will become Serene if Rekha is not around.. I think rekha doesnt read your replies…

  17. ok i am back online after some 10 days.. and read all the posts i missed in these days. all good ones.. very good ones indeed.

    for the reason of staying away.. i had to be with my wife at hospital.. have been blessed with a baby girl on 9th November.. becomes indian 9/11

  18. Gayathri: see…i told you! Rekha also worked for Sify’s e-Learning team before she moved to CTS. wonder if you met her and hate her as much as I do.

    I was myself into rowing before I retired from the sport in 2001. After rowing, I have now become a columnist (wonder if you got the joke!)

  19. Mehak: The gynec did speak about dates. She said Rekha should have lots of them to improve her iron content. Guess, thats not the date you are talking about or are you?

  20. Uma: Thanks for laughing at my post. I apologize if they led to tears.

    Your Question: What will happen if the hubby starts puking when their wife is preggy?
    My answer: Bad thing to happen coz the illicit relationships will show

    And ho yes…Rekha reads my replies. If she had a printer at home, she would print them out, frame them, put them in a time capsule and save it for posterity!

  21. Wrongone: Thanks for getting back again, buddy! Thanks again for your compliments. I wonder if they were dry, sarcastic remarks.

    Heartiest congratulations on the 9/11. Awesome day to be born…now you have no excuse to forget your daughter’s birthday. BTW…who in the family wante a boy and who wanted a girl?

  22. I don’t know how I came to this page but it bored me so much to read the first few paragraphs that I had to write this comment. I can’t read on! Your attempt at comedy sucks!

  23. i guess the best part was the foriegn baby– “Was she saying that I will get a foreigner as a child? If it was going to be a foreigner…how did the doctor know? Will it be white? Or will it be Afro-American?”
    not to forget your daring wen u even asked the gynie about it !!!

  24. I’m now 19 and experiencing being a dad. I must say although it feels good it’s still hard. I knew it wouldn’t be easy but to be honest, the hard part is having to balance time. My daughter is great and makes managing her never dreadful. -Teen dad

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