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I once attended a marriage in Rekha`s family.

Today morning I was thinking about it…and wondered if you would be interested in knowing what some popular men/women have said about ‘madness and therapy`. What I say of ‘madness and therapy,` ie, how the marriage went …will be the next post.

We are all born mad. Some remain so.
– Samuel Beckett

He has turned his life around. Earlier he used to be depressed and miserable. Now, he is miserable and depressed.
– John McClenahan

Roses are red, violets are blue. I am schizophrenic…and so am I!
– Frank Crow

I went to the doctor yesterday and he told me that I am a paranoid schizophrenic. Well, he didn`t actually say it…but we knew what he was thinking.

– Lily Savage

I am not a deranged millionaire. Goddamit…I am a billionaire!
– Howard Hughes

A psychiatrist is a man who asks you a lot of stupid but expensive questions which your wife will ask you for free.

– Harry Hershfield

[Warning: This is a long and boring article and requires holding of your nose at times.]

I know this is a touchy subject and we find it obnoxious to talk of our toilet habits. But let us do it today!

Indians have always mingled with nature to answer nature`s call. It seems Sher Shah Suri had one section of his courtyard dedicated only to relieve himself. King Chandra Gupta Maurya always had one assistant stand close with a copper utensil full of water…even as two of his security men stood on two sides. Akbar, the king who was always late (even today he is known as Late Akbar), used to be so shy that he changed his dressing style to suit his toilet habits. He shifted to skirts because they were more comfortable while attending to nature`s call.

If the kings had their whims, the commoners had their fancies. In those days, water management had not evolved as a science…and hence all the ponds and lakes were full of water. The commoner had to visit a barren patch near a water body and relieve himself. It was the case of two birds with one stone – fertilize the barren land too!

This was around the same time that the phrase “I am in deep shit” came to be used commonly.

Most weathermen of those times started depending on their early morning missions for their weather predictions. History books say unlike the weatherman of today, during ‘shit-in-the-outside` time weathermen used to be exact. They would use their bums to find the wind`s direction and humidity levels, and deduce the inference. Since the weathermen`s bums were mostly clothed…when unclothed…they were sensitive to small differences in weather conditions…hence the success rate.

It took a long while coming for Indians to graduate from the sit-on-the grass-and-get-your bum tickled to use-the-shared-toilets. I know…using a lawn mower would have been easy…but there is no explanation as to why Indians shifted to shared toilets. In the evenings, people would have community dinner…and in the morning it would be time for community toilets.

With time, people realized that it wasn`t a great scene to be seen waiting with a lota outside a half broken door that belonged to the single community toilet of their area. Nobody cleaned it…nobody repaired it…in short it was nobody`s baby. This necessitated building ‘owned` toilets.

There was no way a puja room, kitchen and a toilet could co-exist in the same house. It was against religion…and was not practical. So the first toilets for households appeared outside of the house…but within the compound wall. Now, they didn`t have to wait in the queue and the experience was a bit more hygienic. With time, another issue propped up. What happens when a 19-year old girl wants to visit the toilet at 1 a.m.? Won`t it be risky to let her go out alone? And if the 50-year old bandit Raghvendra Yadav was out of jail it was dangerous even for the 40-year-old ladies.

The man of the house decided to build a toilet inside and cut down the risk to his life. Since those were the days of bandits….soon all households had a toilet inside. They were placed as further away from the puja room and kitchen as possible. Soon enough the logic that if you can shit inside your house….you might as well take bath struck a chord. Enter bathrooms.

The 19-year-old girl for whom the toilet (and later bathroom) was brought into the house…was now 24 years old and married. She would occasionally come home – with her husband. During her visits she and her husband would sleep in the hall, while the parents slept in the adjoining room. The door between them would be closed…for obvious reasons. With the door to the toilet closed, the parents didn`t have a toilet to relieve themselves. Having been used to the luxury…now it was difficult to hold one`s bladder through out the night. Enter the attached bathroom.

Things have changed quite a bit from the first attached bathroom. Last week …when Rekha and I visited a model flat (costing 56 lakhs…the reason why we ran away from there)…it had four bathrooms. And each bathroom was the size of our current bedroom.

Had we signed on for that house, we would have been in deep shit!

Addendum

After reading this treatise, Thebluefactor has left a comment which has opened my eyes. Here is his comment –

“Good one, you forgot to delve on western style and how India integrated the hand shower into western style potty. I was surprised to see that last time I visited the great land.”

How could I have missed out these details. As punishment, I have decided to abstain myself from the bathroom for the next three days.

Now about their origin…. The Western Style lavatories took time coming to India. Probably because the potty were always made of ceramic…and would sink in the Indian ocean/Arabian Sea that separated the Western world and India. Some even say that the ceramic potty sunk in the ocean because it didn`t know swimming.

But seriously, in the west, this style of potty was invented because they always wore trousers, belts…and carried huge wallets…and had a holster with two pistols hanging by the side. Now, imagine somebody sitting on an Indian toilet with all this paraphernalia! As if this constraint was not enough… the Westerners didn`t have schools where teachers asked you to stand on your knees for half the day…thus all grew up without strong knees – a pre-requisite for successful completion of nature`s call in an Indian styled toilet.

As for the integration of the hand shower into the Western style potty in India…. I would blame it on the importance we give to paper. Since, it was not good for Saraswathi…toilet paper never sold well in India.

And thanks to the item girl of yesteryears…Helen…showers were popular in the 70s. So much so…builders started considering taps as a waste of money. It was around this time that the Western Style potty entered India. With no toilet paper, everybody looked for the tap…but there were none. Their next stop was the showers…but with the showers placed a clear seven feet above the ground…aiming was difficult…everybody got drenched in the downpour. One such user who was forced to combine shitting and bathing because he got drenched everytime he shat…. decided to reduce the height of the shower…and give it some flexibility…and use it for the right purpose.

Man…this place stinks!

This is a joke my father once told me.

It seems Winston Churchill was visiting India and Jawahar Lal Nehru took him on an early morning walk around the Teen Murti Bhavan. Midway through the walk, Churchill pointed to a man squatting by the roadside and asked Nehru, “What is that man doing?”

“He is shitting,” Nehru replied.

“Are you serious? Is this the way you Indians shit every day?”

The Indian Prime Minister could not let down his country and said, “No…this is an one off case.”

Over a period of time, Churchill forgot the incident but Nehru couldn`t. It was a clear insult to India…and he wanted to avenge. When he visited England after a few years…he insisted on going for a walk with Churchill. Nehru knew that England was not yet a clean-toilet nation… and there were bound to be Englishmen shitting on grass.

Mid-way through their walk, they spotted a man squatting between the shrubs in Hyde Park. Excited at having found an Englishman shitting in the open…he alerted Churchill.

“What is that guy doing out there?”

“No idea Pandit Nehru. Let us see.” So saying, Churchill summoned his security guard and asked him to fetch that man. As the man neared …Nehru wondered if he had made the right decision by alerting Churchill. The man had Asian looks.

Churchill asked the man: “What were you doing between those shrubs?”

“My ship from India landed only today morning. Since, I couldn`t hold it any longer I had to squat between those shrubs. I am sorry…but this is how we would relieve ourselves in our motherland.”

Nehru never spoke a word to Churchill, during the whole tour.

Coming tomorrow: The Evolution of Toilets!

They say God is love. And I believe I am God…so where is my love? Working in Cognizant Technologies Solution, Navallur, Chennai office*?

For those who think there is no God, try getting an electrician to set right your blown fuse, or try getting a puncture-wala to set right your flat tyre …on a Sunday morning. You will realize that just because you don`t see him and can`t find him…it doesn`t mean that there is no God.

Probably…God was readily available earlier. Probably…he stopped mingling with rest of the World after he had a bad relationship. I think so because, I once saw a lady shopping alone and a message on her T-shirt said: “My husband and I parted for religious reasons. He thought he was God.” My guess is…she was God`s wife and left him because he didn`t do the dishes and change the nappy pads. Probably, God is getting over the shock of rejection.

With God on leave with personal problems…people have taken recourse to holy books like Gita, Bible, Koran and Sri Guru Granth Sahib. I respect them for they are good…and don`t preach evil.

Like always …I once had a friend who asked me, “What happens if we drop a holy book on a mouse? Doesn`t the holy book kill the mouse?”

“Yes”, I said.

“Doesn`t that make the holy book an evil book?”

“Off course not. You dropped it.” a religious me exclaims.

“OK. What if it fell by itself …like during an earthquake or something.”

I think for a while…and thinking that I got a clincher, I shoot back: “How is the book to blame? It was the earthquake which dropped the book…”

My friend removed all false hopes of me winning the conversation by saying, “Wasn`t the earthquake caused by God? Guess, in such a situation…both God and the holy book become evil.”

Trying hard to stage a comeback….I assured him that God and the holy book don`t become evil…if it were a computer mouse. My friend gave me a stare and walked away towards intelligent company.

God or no God…the God-men sure get paid well. Look at all that money being minted by dozens of God-men speaking on different TV channels in the mornings and evenings. So much so, Mandira Bedi is being given a run for her money. While discussing these God-men, a friend said: “Hey…he is working for God. And I am sure God is definitely a better paymaster than the average Multinational IT company.” I agree.

I know I believe in God…but for the sake of others….I pray that if God really exists…he should send down strawberry flavored rain in Chennai. Besides licking their lips while fleeing their homes…people will start believing in God….

*My wife Rekha works there

Never trust a woman who tells you her real age. A woman who would tell you that, would tell you anything.
– Oscar Wilde

I am thirty years old. That is…1/4th of my life is already over. I didn`t realize I was getting old until they showed character-artist AK Hangal on Doordarshan and I found him relatively young.

On second thoughts, thirty is not that bad an age. I mean, if there had been 20 months in a year..I would have been through only 18 birthdays and hence would be only 18 years old. The better part is, it would have been illegal for Rekha (my wife) to marry me.

Talking of birthdays, Joan Rivers once said: When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes three years off.

It is not only the women who hide their age. Most men are also known to do the same after they approach 40. Unfortunately, these are the ones who prefer old wine and old cheese.

Once, I was introducing a neighbor of mine to a pretty girl. I said: “Shalini, this is my neighbor. Looking at him, you can never tell he is in his 70s.”

He immediately shot back: “Early 70s”.

Thanks to the latest in cosmetics…old men and women can hide their age. Anti-wrinkle face creams are a big hit…but the users fail to understand that once a grape becomes a raisin…there is no way it can become a grape again. As for the dyeing of white hair…somebody needs to stop a bald man and ask him how good white hair looks.

A recent movie, Pyar Mein Twist has Rishi Kapoor and Dimple Kapadia romancing like they did in the 1973-movie Bobby. Many didn`t receive the movie with open arms. They probably think…romance should be left to the young. One crude joke even suggested that after their marriage Rishi and Dimple visit the Viagra Falls for honeymoon instead of the Niagra Falls.

I don`t remember who, but somebody worth listening to once said…the difference between the young and the old is…the young forget to pull up the zipper …and the old forget to pull it down.

During a recent survey among the really old, the anchor asked: “So, who all want to live till 100?” All the 99 year olds raised their hands. The only 100-year-old gentleman in the group was asked if he wanted to live till 101. He replied in the negative and gave ‘no peer pressure` as the reason.

One guy I appreciate on this front is Lala Amarnath. He was a cricketer and he loved centuries….yet didn`t mind giving up when he was all of 88 years old!

It seems long back two jobless residents of Pune decided to bring Taj mahal to their town. Their logic was simple …push the Taj in the right direction all night and sleep during day time. In ten days time…the Taj would be in Pune.

On their first day (rather night) at work they started pushing the Taj Mahal from behind. After half an hour they were all sweaty and decided to remove their shirts and drop it on the ground.

The whole night they toiled. After all, they had to push the Taj Mahal to Pune and didn`t have much time.

They stopped pushing at 4 a.m., for the fear of being spotted. But they couldn`t find their shirts at the spot…somebody had already stolen their shirts.

“Shucks…somebody has stolen our shirts!” exclaimed the intelligent one.

The not-so-intelligent one replied: “Stupid…it is just that we have pushed the Taj a long way…and we need to walk back to the place where we had actually dropped them”

All this happened in the pre-computer era. Today`s technology allows us to just drag the Taj Mahal from Agra to Pune.
Don`t believe me? Click Here to view the transfer.

[This was written when the rains were lashing Chennai and my Sify broadband connection was down]

It has been raining cats and dogs in Chennai. NDTV tells me that is not true and it has been raining in other parts of the country also. Can`t mess with a pretty babe on NDTV can we? So, I believe her.

Anyways, with rains lashing the whole of Chennai….my life style has been completely altered. To start with, I don`t sleep in the night…I spend at least three hours swatting the mosquitoes that aim to hurt Rekha. She somehow has not appreciated my gesture. But I did manage to get two liters of blood from these mosquitoes and tried selling it at the Blood Bank. They refused to buy …and wanted to know where it came from. How is a man expected to follow a mosquito and get the address of its victim?

Like I said….thanks to the rain…I bath once a week. Whether I need it or not.

Rekha has been complaining but the other girls in the vicinity have been raving about my new habit. Guess this is what they call animal magnetism. A few of my colleagues did say that the office smells as if the garbage collectors are in their 3rd week of strike.

Thanks to the rains none of my clothes are dry. Think it is a conspiracy by all the girls/women in the World. But I have decided to thwart their plan and beg, borrow, steal dry clothes. So much so, I even got new underwear today morning. Well, new to me.

I also managed to lay my hands on something really expensive. Unfortunately when I wear it…it looks as if I have stolen it or borrowed it.

You probably wonder if Rekha has been influenced by my new habits. Not yet. But I think she is on the verge of getting converted…she didn`t take bath when we had to go visit the dentist this Saturday.

Naturally, she brought along a scarf to hide her unkempt hair.

“Did you like my new scarf? Bought it in T Nagar.” she asked.

“Ohh…it is a lovely scarf. And yes…do me a favour… when the scarf blows off in the wind…don`t chase it.”

Though not planned, I had to get a few teeth removed at the dentist.

Some animals have unique features. Some don`t. A giraffe for example can clean its ears with its twenty-inch long tongue. Give that tongue to a man and he would be cleaning the ears of the lady sitting next to him.

Porcupines have long, sharp needles. Doctors also have long sharp needles. Does this mean that porcupines are the doctors of the animal World? If they are who are the nurses? Ducks? Coz they are stupid and are clad in white….and you find many ducks in Kerala.

If a Lizard drank too much water…would it become a crocodile? And if it did become a crocodile…where would it live? There would be no water….remember the lizard had drank all water to become a crocodile!

Why do earphones head straight for the ears but headphones get wrapped around the head? Why does walkman never walk and Discman never disco? Why did nobody sue Sony for gender discrimination when they named their product walkman?

If your super boss`s name is Dick and he is the head of the organization…what do you call him? Dickhead?

Did you know that it is not possible to create a folder called ‘Con` on any PC? Why doesn`t Bill Gates want us to create a folder by that name? Is it because he fears we will create a folder called ‘con` and dump all his pictures inside? Also…why wasn’t Bill Gates son named ‘Window’?