Viagra to be available free of cost

Viagra manufacturer Pfizer is considering distributing the sexual-energizer free of cost through the length and breath of India. The idea that started out as a dining- table talk has also found a few supporters in the Indian Government, led by PM Manmohan Singh.

The novel yet radical move has been prompted by Rajneesh`s belief that when too much of anything is thrust on people, they start hating it.

Dr Anbamani, son of PMK leader Ramdoss and the Minister Health in the Union Cabinet said: “We started out with the `We two, ours three` slogan and we are now stuck with `We two, ours one`. How far can this go on?”

A Ministry source close to the Minister on conditions of anonymity said, “The Minister suggested the slogan `We are ourselves kids, why do we need kids,` but it was shot down because it could have hurt the sensibilities of Rahul and Priyanka Gandhi.

In its desperate attempt to cut down the population to size, the Govt. has all but agreed to Pfizer`s request that Viagra be made freely available. The intelligentsia is divided on the issue.

The company has already put the distribution system in place. The idea is to leave Viagra capsules at telephone booths, reservation counters of Railway stations and bus stands, cinema halls, planetariums, receptions of star hotels, corporate offices, crocodile parks, pubs, not to mention all the other places where IT professionals hang out.

What does Pfizer gain by it? It gets the men addicted to an adventurous life, even as it kills local competition like Chittu Kuruvi legium, drum-stick sambar and pepper and onion vada. Over a period of time, Pfizer could turn the tables and say it is going to charge for the pill.

As of today, the only worthy competition Pfizer has, is a particular species of jelly fish which when stings the man, gives him a prolonged erection. It is called the Irukandji Syndrome. The side effects of the sting, besides the erection are – severe pain, a potentially fatal rise in blood pressure and severe cerebral hemorrhaging.

Gagan Bandhopadhyay, a research scholar at Jawahar Lal Institute of Medical Sciences (JIPMER), says the jellyfishes can in no way compete with Pfizer. This blog seconds you, Mr Gagan.

If the ruling Congress and its allies can pass the bill through the horny ministers sitting in the parliament, it sure has a winner on its hands. Just that, the divorce rates could increase and lots of Self Help Groups might spring up.

A conversation every man (and woman) should read…

Nameet and I were in Canada together. We have been through the grind together and understand each other fully. We have shared each other`s sorrows…though he tends to have more of them. Today he is a successful entrepreneur in Bangalore driving a Tata Safari and living in a 16K per month apartment. Here in this conversation on Yahoo chat he was advising me on how I should deal with my post-marriage woes. Makes interesting reading. Go on…

Nameet: Hi boss. Whats up ?

pppumpkincarver: Hi bol kya haal hai

Nameet: Howz shaadee.com happening? You get three rings for ur wedding, engagement ring, marriage ring and biggest off all suffering. That is why during your wedding, elders will say “God Bless you”. Otherwise why would one say so!

pppumpkincarver: Pretty true. Life is getting tighter..

Nameet: Don`t worry this is just the beginning. Dude one golden principle, rather two I will share from experience.

pppumpkincarver: Go on.

Nameet: Never.. never..never allow your woman to take over the Kitchen 100 per cent. Once she does……ur so fucking gone….

pppumpkincarver: Hows that?

Nameet: Make room for her guests/friends to come over as much as you want your booze sessions with your guy pals to go uninterrupted, but draw the line, if you are not comfy. Excuse yourself (on pretence of pending work and look busy). If she’s unhappy say, hey chill don`t I hang around with your pals all the time……..

pppumpkincarver: But why is the kitchen so important?

Nameet: Kitchen is the power center as much the bed room is. Thats why. Once she takes over 100%, then you are pretty much c/o hotel….

pppumpkincarver: Go on.

Nameet: Now Jammy, wedding is like a business…. negotiation. Its not what you deserve it is what you negotiated!

pppumpkincarver: Very true.

Nameet: You are gone if you act stubborn…or if you act loose. So act diplomatic. Act honest and
above all be generous don`t be stingy and avoid all terms such as never, no way, sorry, can`t. Avoid it at all levels.

pppumpkincarver: Will do machan.

Nameet: A wise man learns from the mistakes of others and makes his own that serve as examples, for other wise men. And hey if u want to get drunk……don`t lie about it.

pppumpkincarver: Go on…

Nameet: Drink openly. Never hide it from her. She’ll never figure out if you had 3 pegs or half a bottle.

pppumpkincarver: Even now, she is asking me to stop drinking.

Nameet: It is okie and natural for her to do so. Maybe you drink…but not too often. Or always blame it on your boss, ur colleague, or Nameet who came from Bangalore and forced you for a Drink. “Oh! Nameet came from the US he had this scotch bottle so we were at his house catching up.” Blame it on emotions, buddy.

pppumpkincarver: Sounds like a nice escape route.

Nameet: Yes. And once, she says oh you always say this, you can reverse the situation and say, sweetie, do I stop you ever from meeting your friends? We were just sharing a drink and catching up . Poor guy he was sharing his woes. The next day, compensate by taking her for a walk…cook her a meal or spend time…just the two of you.

pppumpkincarver: Yeah. Makes sense.

Nameet: Spring surprises……….

pppumpkincarver: Right. Rekha likes surprises.

Nameet: Like when she comes back from work, tidy the house, place scented candles, dim lights serve food that you cooked (but actually hotel bought) …..but make sure there are signs of disaster in the kitchen…….or she’ll smell a rat!

Nameet: Pakad ke chood aur chod ke pakad…

Nameet: Got a house?

pppumpkincarver: Yeah. A nice two-bedroom flat.

Nameet: Good. Do you have your own small place (Jammy`s personal study room)? And does she have the same?

pppumpkincarver: Nope. Did tell you, we plan to buy a car after marriage.

Nameet: So macha nayii gadii, nayaa ghar, nayee biwi………..”badiyaa hain” baadiyaa hain……

pppumpkincarver: Fuck man. It is true.

Nameet: Do you have a tape recorder with FM radio and does Chennai have good FM transmission

pppumpkincarver: Yes, Chennai has but I do not have a radio.

Nameet: Get it. Also, do you have a dog? If not get one asap. It is very very important.. don`t neglect this advice.

pppumpkincarver: Why?

Nameet: You will invariable get a little bored (sorry if I am rude) with domestication…..and then you will have a few more drinks more often. Agree?

pppumpkincarver: Yes.

Nameet: And then Rekha will be pissed with u right?

pppumpkincarver: Yes.

Nameet: If you have a dog (hoping Rekha agrees that the dog is as close to you, as she is to you!) you can just scream load at the dog. Give it two kicks once you return home drunk. Rekha will know that you are pissed and you are in a bad mood………..she’ll let go off you for the night and will plan to screw you in the morning. So you buy peace for the night.

Nameet: Agree so far ?

pppumpkincarver: Yes.

Nameet: Now u may ask why the radio?

pppumpkincarver: Yes. Why the radio?

Nameet: Guess.

pppumpkincarver: To keep the sound up?

Nameet: She’ll open the door, and slam her (your ex-bedroom) door slam shut after throwing out your pillow and bedsheet in the hall. Now the radio……… since now you are alone in the hall, combating and thinking of how to say sorry, mixed with strategies…she is thinking on how to screw your happiness the next morning…..

pppumpkincarver: Ok ..and ..

Nameet: So, in the morning you wake up with the noise of falling utensils……loud sreaming. Just walk to the loo..empty urself………walk to the radio, put it on FM as loud as you can…….

pppumpkincarver: Bastard

Nameet: Now you know why every married man must have a radio and a dog!

pppumpkincarver: Machan, this is turning out to be a good conversation. Need to put it in my blog.

Nameet: hoo shit! BTW, did I tell you, Rekha is a good girl and you might not have to try out all those tricks with her!

pppumpkincarver: Nope you didn`t!

Actress Meena is coming to my office

Actress Meena is coming to my office today. And I am all set.

I have been told before that I look good wearing a white shirt, so washed the one that had been dirty for the last ten days. Had to iron it too.

Had a nice bath and used a shampoo after a month or so. It is becoming a costly affair. The sachets that used to be Rs 1 when I joined Indian Express five years ago are now Rs 3 or 4. And the popular ones like Halo, Clinic Plus etc are relegated to the dark corners of the Kirana (Kinara in Hindi and `Corner` in English) stores.

Anyways, applied gel on my shampooed hair. I somehow need to convey to the actress that I look better when my hair is longer, and she postpone her decision if it is in the negative.

The Frenchie gave way to the Jockey. After all, looks also matter. Initially, I did have my reservations coz I was no superman (and Idid not wear it on my trousers), but the logic did not hold water and I decided in favor of the slightly faded Jockey.

Did not shave. Remember reading in one interview of hers long time back that, she likes a rugged look.

The recent recruits in my team are not at all enthused about the actress’ arrival. Was she before their time? If that is the case, would I look old, if I get excited about Meena?

The congress leader GK Moopanar was old and he did get excited about Meena….

Condom found in Pepsi

A 28-year old man has found a condom in a 2-liter Pepsi bottle. He and his wife had gone to Khandala for a nice weekend, and after booking a hotel room, they asked for room service.

Even as the requested Pepsi bottle arrived, the couple got cozy. Soon, a condom materialized from nowhere. On further questioning, the husband confessed to his wife that he did not pre-plan anything and the condom (packaging and all) was in the Pepsi bottle the bellboy had just delivered.

The police is on the case.

This is how the House Hunt went…

Sorry guys. Have been busy looking for a house the last few days. And you know what comes first in life..once you have a girl in tow…the girl.

We have decided on a house in Velachery. A nice place…sometime do pay a visit. As for my address, you could mail me and check. Oops, did not realize you did not have my mail id. How about calling and checking? By the way, do you have my mobile number? Now you know how welcome you are to my house.

My land lady is very nice. Here is how our conversation went –

Me: Hi, we are interested in your house. Could we have a look.
She: Sure. What are you? A Muslim, Christian or a HIndu?
Me: I am a Hindu.
She: Oh, cool. Not that religion matters. Afterall, we are a Hindu nation with a Muslim President and a Sikh Prime Minister and a Christian chief of ruling party.
Me: Yeah.
She: Where are you from?
Me: Madurai.
She: That Meenakshi Amman temple place?
Me: Yes. Same place. Can we see the house pls?

(All this while we were waiting outside)

She: Sure. Why not. You are not a Bhramin are you?
Me: No madam. I am not.
She: Good.

(So much for her nationalistic feelings)

She: We are going to Muscat.

(The broker had told me they were going to US…guess it does not matter)

Me: Thats nice. Could we see the house pls.

(We are still outside)

She: Yeah sure. Why not. Where do you work?
Me: I work in Tidel Park.
She: Ohhhh cool. A software professional. Come on right in….the rent is Rs 5500/-

Though I am not a software professional, it did help in getting the house. But one thing is for sure..the rent could have been a little less if I had not mentioned Tidel Park.

Art Buchwald – the Lord of satire

You can’t make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you’re doing is recording it.
– Art Buchwald once said.

He has been my hero since I started reading (rather forced to read) The Hindu. His 400-word column would appear in the last page of the daily and initially I thought it was something religious. The man himself looked like a catholic priest, who had forgotten to wear his cloak.

Over a period of time he would become my favourite and I would yearn to be like him. The process is still on. He satire is subtle, yet hard-hitting. Been trying to copy the dude, but more often than not…I end up being a comic.

Though he based in Washington, many of his pieces were around the happenings in India.

Today he might not appear on The Hindu..but he is very much active (at age 79)…and all his pieces for Washinton Post could be read here – Click Here.

May the man carry on….and leave the mantle for me to take over.

Saw the movie Raghu Romeo

The character reminds me of myself. Long back…in the days of the yore.. when I used to wear a navy blue trouser, a dirty white shirt and Charlie Chaplin-like shoes six days a week…I used to be addressed as Romeo Rajan.

Funny, how certain sounds, certain smell or for that matter certain words take you back to the past and make you feel miserable about your present.

Funny again, how the tastes of people differ. I loved the movie …but it bombed at the box office. Looks like I am not the average Joe. Thats some icing…

I have launched an online weekly

Click Here to savor it and please do remember to post your feedback. It is a humble attempt at coming up with a site full of satire & humour (hopefully). The good news is, Ouchmytoe is open to contributions.
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Best Wishes

Jamshed V Rajan
Editor-at-Large