Interview with Pakistan cricket captain Inzamam

Q: Hi Inzy, right at the outset my best wishes for Asia Cup. So, what are your chances?
A: On record or off the record?
Q: Does it matter?
A: Yes…personally I know we have no chance of winning. If we are winning Akhtar`s faction will ensure we lose…and if Akhtar bowls well, I will ensure that two batsmen are run out because of me.
Q: The India match will be pure revenge.
A: It will be. Have decided to send Akhtar up the order and ensure he faces the Indian quicks.
Q: The UAE captain says his team is taking inspiration from Greece, who won Euro 2004.
A: Yeah right. Tell the fat F&%# to go play football.
Q: That`s very un-parliamentary.
A: Don`t show off that you guys have a parliament. Soon we will also have one; Gen Perez is working on it.

So saying, Inzy jogged off to the dressing room.

Never buy smuggled goods

Never buy smuggled goods. You don`t just run a risk of landing a bad item, but you also run the risk of landing yourself in prison. If not the above mentioned, you certainly run risk of getting fooled.

There was this dude friend of mine who bought a laptop from a smuggler…not that Ajit of the Hindi movie types…this one was a lot sober and made sense. The transaction happened in the smuggler`s house, unlike a movie where it happens under flashing lights or in the beach just before Iftikar rushes in with his Band of Brothers.

The money saved was good. The laptop also looked good. What our man missed out was the warranty card…and anyways the smuggler could not have given him that. A few days later my dude friend walked up to his house to claim damages because his laptop had stopped working. The house was locked. And on enquiry…he was told the smuggler had been arrested and was in jail.

The cocky dude that this dude friend of mine was …he decided to go to the police station looking for the smuggler. Luckily, my persuasion powers have been on the rise recently and I was able to convince him that it was best to find a bakra and sell the laptop at whatever price he could.

“I will get you a bakra, just make sure you give him the lap top at half the price and he would buy it,” I told him and got him a customer.

After spending a few hundred rupees, the laptop is ok now. Just that my father back in Madurai is using it till this dude friend of mine gets transferred to Mumbai or some damn place.

Scene Connery

Back in the days when I was in Madurai doing my Grade X, I was a pretty innocent fella. There was this theatre called VijayaLakshmi, which would lure us innocents into the blackhole called life by showing us porno flicks.

The theatre would run movies like My Tutor, The Excellent Companion, For Your Sake, Let Us Do it…and many more such wacky titles. The show would start at 10.30 a.m. every Sunday and would go on for an hour. There would be an interval half way through the movie. Nobody would last the full hour. Later I would come to know that it is called, staying power.

Initially, I was hesitant coz I was scared of all my relatives who lived in the area. But advice from a friend in need solved the issue. He said, “Boss, if anybody close enough asks you what you doing in the theatre, just throw back the same question.”

His suggestion came as Manna from heaven and I became a regular. Pity they did not have membership cards. But, if you are a student I suggest you do not go to that theatre coz there are no student discounts.

Soon, my area friends realized I was missing out on all the badminton and cricket they would start off early on Sunday mornings. The curious cats they were, one by one…the whole gang joined me at the theatre, every Sunday. Our parents never really wanted us to roast in the sun and were only glad to note our absence from the play field.

The movies were never hard-core pornos. They would be regular English movies that failed to get the production money …peppered with maybe one reel of porn appearing on the screens…all of a sudden…and from God knows where.

Most of these movies had Sean Connery in the lead. Needless to say, we thought Sean Connery was actually `Scene` Connery!

I am not the puking type…

Only recently I came to know that there are a few die-hard asexual people who get an orgasm by puking. I promise, I am not making this up.

Was just wondering, what would be a porn movie equivalent for them? Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings? Or perhaps a garbage bin. We would never know, until one of you pukers leaves a comment.

Actually, I am pretty close to becoming a puker. You don`t believe me? Try out on of these things, I do in my daily life….

1) Try working out the nuances of a married life
2) Try speaking to a few marketing/sales guys in my office
3) Try visiting my loo. You could piss, shit and before you leave…you would puke too.
4) Try shopping with a girl you cannot afford to insult or kill. I once puked due to de-hydration.
5) Or for that matter, read my blog.

When an Indian beat a Pakistani single-handedly

Here is one story I heard recently. Would not say it is true…for the fear of sounding a liar. Anyways, makes a good read –

There was one Indian and a Pakistani who lived as neighbours in New Delhi.
The Indian owned a hen and early in the morning would go around his garden to pick up the egg. One day, the hen laid the egg in his neighbour’s – the Pakistani’s – garden.

While the Pakistani said the egg belonged to him because it was on his property, the Indian maintained that it was his property because the hen belonged to him.

The argument continued, before the partially intelligent Indian came up with a solution. He said, “In such circumstances, we have a tried and tested method to solve disputes.”

“What is that?” The Pakistani asked.

“I will kick you in your balls, and then we take down the time you take to get up. After you are up, you kick me on my balls and we note down the time taken for me to get up.”

“Ok, and then… ” the Pakistani asks.

“And then….the guy who takes less time to get up, gets to keep the egg,” asserts the Indian.

“Not a bad idea.”

Once the Pakistani agreed for the contest the Indian went home, wore his papa’s army boots, dug deep into his reserves and kicked the Pakistani in the balls. In micro seconds he was rolling on the floor, crying in pain. Tears ran down his cheeks.

It took the Pakistani two hours to get back to normal. And when he went to the Indian and said, hey…now it is my turn to kick you in your balls…the Indian promptly said: “That is ok, I lose. You can keep the egg.”

Can’t believe my eyes

This is a snap of mine taken when I was all of one year old…at Jamshedpur, Bihar. Did not have anything to write about…and the narcissist that I am, thought why not put up my one-year old pic.

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I am changing but am coping

The way I react to people, the way I respond to stimuli…so much so, even the way I speak on the phone has been changing.

There was a time when my phone conversations used to be loud and confident. Then came Rekha and I became a little different. Polished, I would not say…but different yes.

In this blog, let me stick to the way I speak to her on the phone. In the initial phase of our relationship, I would be calling the shots. I would call her up…I would talk…I would nod my head furiously and even if one of us was getting scolded, it would always be Rekha.

Over the next one year, I would get less aggressive on the phone. I would be staring at the wall and probably also smile at times. My word-output had come down, but I was still confident. There was a lot of voice modulation happening. I am not sure if this happened after she said I sounded sexy on phone. It is another thing that since then, my phone bills have gone up.

About five months back, she agreed. Now, she was a little demanding. I would end up staring at the floor while speaking to her. In the midst of our conversation, I would suddenly realize that I have been nodding my head like an obedient dog. The phase continued till both our parents met and the marriage date was fixed.

Now, our phone calls have become drab. We talk of getting an apartment, selecting curtains, buying furniture. And when it is none of the above…it is about some damn kid. I have perfected the art of making her think I am listening. I just pick from the below listed words/sentences and she hangs after sometime…thinking I was part of the conversation –

– Right.
– Yes.
– Perfect.
– I agree.
– I shall do it.
– Nice thought.
– You do not worry.
– I will check today.
– I have the money.
– You are intelligent.
– Makes a lot of sense.
– That`s a beautiful idea.
– I am lucky to have you.

Guys, if you are not married…I suggest you get married to somebody who will give you a fully furnished house as dowry. And never fall in love, for then you lose the right to ask for a furnished house…thus ending up having boring conversations on furniture…curtains…gas connection…

I am going to be stripped!

Rekha`s family has decided to strip me on the day of the marriage.

Looks like the marriage will be sanctified in a temple. But this is only the good part. The bad part is, I can only wear a dhoti during the marriage. That leaves out my fat-laden, scar-ridden, breast-hanging torso fully exposed.

Was wondering what effect it will carry on the others in the family. Especially, the girls. My belly might lead a few to think that I am a plain-clothes policeman. Or perhaps, a jalebi wala.

As of now, I am struck…. cannot go back on my word to Rekha. Nor can I oppose her father. I faintly remember she telling me that he knows kalari.

But have I zeroed in on two options. I could send a body double…just need to find one. Or I could apply oil all over my torso and use some kajal to highlight the muscles. Might look like Puneet Issar in Mahabharata, but I guess one just goes about ones duty (Ref: Gita).

My last option is something I plan not to implement on. In the three months to go before the marriage, I could join a gym. But is any girl worth the trouble? Coming..Rekha…