Did you know that if you go to www.google.com and search for ‘Search Engine’ ….Google won’t be the first result. Instead, it would be the fifth…some honestly huh?
Now that Rediffblogs has started working fine (I was not able to post anything since Friday evening)…watch out for my next posting on “Kissing – how it began!”
I think I am real cool Casanova. I have at least 5-6 pretty girls calling me every week. Shhhh….Rekha doesn`t know. This will be our little secret.
These girls are pretty and are gifted with sweet, seductive voice. Actually, let me be open with you. I don`t know if these girls are pretty, but they do sound pretty pretty. Not that it matters, but in terms of setting a man`s World right… visual aid is second only to humanitarian aid.
These girls would call me almost every day and ask if I was ready. That is, if I was ready to use their services. When they say services, they meant nothing but credit cards. And I am sure your slimy, corrupted mind would have imagined a hundred naughty things.
Here is how I spoke to the first lady who was trying to sell me a credit card –
(This was four years back, and I was new to Chennai. I was a rookie in the world of conmen, bluff, cheats, criminals, double-crossers, dupes, frauds, grafters and swindlers.)
She: Hi, am I speaking to Mr Jamshed V Rajan?
Me: Yes, please.
She: Sir, I am calling from ICICI Credit cards, and we have this no-yearly-fee offer for Sify Employees.
Me: Credit cards? Hm….
(I was in a state of shock. I never believed I would one day own a credit card. I thought it was for the cool guys..and I was nowhere close).
She: Sir, this offer is valid only till this month end. And I would suggest you go for it right away.
(She addressing me as ‘Sir` in every sentence was getting to my head. I don`t get addressed by that title every day)
Me: That was so nice of you to take the trouble to inform me about this offer. What favour can I do for you in return?
She: Nothing sir, this is plain social work.
(She would then ask me my Cost To The Company (Salary) and how many years I had put in with Sify etc)
She: Sir, We can offer you a Gold card. Also, if you have a picture of yours …we could use it on the credit card. (on the right you see the pic, I sent)
Me: That would be great. I really like you. Thanks a lot for doing so much for me. Perhaps, we could meet somewhere and get to know each other better.
(I was under the impression that she was doing all this for me because she was in love with me and wanted to impress me. I asked her out because I thought it was a man`s responsibility)
She: Sir, we could meet after you get the Gold card.
Me: Sure we can. And could I ask you a favor …please, don`t address me as ‘Sir.`
She: Sure Rajan. So I will send one of my executives with the application form.
In a day`s time an executive from the Bank came and in a few days time, I would get my first Credit card.
My dream girl never called after that. I tried calling the number from where she had called me, but a giggling girl would tell me that Radhika (that was her name) had quit her job.
As days went by and I recovered from a bout of Devdas-sickness, I started going to office. Almost immediately, I started getting many more such calls from ‘pretty` girls and soon I forgot my heartthrob Radhika.
While I felt happy that so many girls were taking interest in me…to this day…I fail to understand why they all shy away from meeting me!
(Please read this with a pinch of salt. After all, everything you hear and see in this World cannot be true)
If you are reading this you are probably a city-bred who has never been to a village. I don`t fault you. Chances are your parents or grand parents fell for the early bird prizes and migrated to the cities.
My grand parents had character, so they stayed on. The only thing my grandpa did not say (as in the wont in Hindi movies) was: “I was born on this soil and I want to die here. I want my body to disintegrate into organic waste, here in my village, and help the corps grow.”
My father, who almost made it to Indian Football team to play alongside Chuni Goswami, excelled in studies too. He was so good that the teachers did not want him in the school and had him rusticated by accusing him of pissing in the water tank meant for the school students. Agreed, that my father was naughty but this was something my father would not have done. He was more into pissing in other water bodies like a water pot, a bucket etc.
Because of that one instance when he could not hold his bladder, my father lost his interest in education. He would then join the Indian Army. This makes me believe in what Tao once said: The amount of urine in the urinary bladder is directly proportional to Patriotism. I myself feel very Indian when my bladder is full. Maybe that`s why I don`t shy away from using the roadsides.
Because of his football skills, my father, made it to the United Nations Peace Keeping Force. Initially, he was stationed in Congo and latter in Bosnia Herzegovina. My father was responsible for kicking the heads torn away from the torsos in bomb blasts, out of the road. He was helping the locals by keeping the traffic smooth.
We would come back to India at regular intervals. And each time we would stay in the village with my grand parents. This was the time; I got to know cows better. I can really talk to them. When I was all of ten years old, I once ordered the cow to give milk and then squeezed its teats…and bingo…the milk came.
From my grand father I learnt work ethics. He was quite a hard worker. Once, my grandpa`s bulls could not come for work due to a hangover (it was World Animals Day and they were partying). Since my father and I were doing nothing, we offered to act like bulls minus the tail. We held the plough on our shoulders and our grandpa tilled the land. Legend has it that the harvest that year was overwhelming. So much so, my grandpa could pay off his credit card bills. (By the way, did you know that the Diners Club card was the first credit card to be introduced)
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I am not too sure…but I think I was twelve years old when this happened. We went visiting Kanyakumari, and a Tsunami hit us right then. We were all stranded on the Vivekananda Rock (which is about 100 meters into the sea) and had to spend two days on the rock. No food, and only salt water to drink.
But my family held on. The lighthouse had vanished under the water, so we even got a chance to save some merchant ships that were running into shallow waters. My grandpa and I would take turns to take my father`s red shirt deep into the sea (we knew swimming) and wave it at the merchant ships. All this while, my father would hold the family (which included my two sisters and mother) together by telling them stories from Amar Chitra Katha.
If you wonder why I am telling you all this now…well, the Tsunami in the Indian ocean brought back old memories. I could have given you my Grandpa`s mobile number so that you could check if all this was right, but he has left!
(A not so serious analysis)
1) World is now divided into two types of people – those that were affected, and those that weren`t.
2) Those who were not affected are of two categories – those that actually helped, and those that got goose pimples and kept watching the TV.
3) Kids will no longer be sent alone to beaches. And the parents will refuse to accompany them.
4) Walkmen/i-PODs will no longer be trusted companions of walkers/joggers on the beach. Most of them lost their lives because they were not aware of the commotion.
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5) Late night parties will not end with a bath in the sea at 2 a.m.
6) Beach resorts will no longer be the holiday destinations, esp. for Christmas & New Year holidays.
7) South Indians will not head for Sri Lanka and Andaman islands after marriage.
8) Employees of Lighthouses will now have a new occupational hazard to tackle.
9) Man will no longer be considered the only catalyst of ecological imbalance.
10) People practicing Pranayama (Yoga) on the beach can no longer afford to close their eyes.
Ever tried impressing your wife by cooking a decent meal for her? And surprising her? (That`s one of my New Year resolutions).
I suggest, you don`t. I tried, and it only backfired. I went without lunch and Rekha, my wife of 115 days, had her fill.
It was 1st Jan 2005, a holiday for both of us. Rekha wanted to go and meet a friend of hers who had only recently given birth to a baby girl. And she did.
Since one of my resolutions was to surprise Rekha (instead of shocking), I decided to prepare lunch by the time she was back. It was pretty easy. All I had to do was go to http://sify.com/food, search for the ‘Culinary Delights` that I wanted to work on and get preparation methodology.
I remember my mother once telling me that cooks were like engineers. You decide on the plan, source the raw materials and then go about building the small blocks which when put together will become the ‘building`. In my case – a tasty lunch.
Once I had the recipe from the net, I needed to source the raw materials – vegetables, rice and masala, oil etc. It never occurred to me that Rekha would have all the required vegetables in the fridge. I thought that was for ice cubes when you wanted to have some whiskey, for beer when you had decided on the barley drink, for ice-cream for when visitors came knocking, and for keeping harmless stuff like Coke, cheese, butter, paneer etc.
After an hour-long search in the market-place I had all the vegetables I needed. I had decided on paneer palak and aloo mutter as side-dishes. Needless to say, we would have needed sambar for rice.
With the main course ready on paper, I had to decide on the dessert. I decided on gajar-ka-halwa – the favourite of Bollywood actors spanning three generations – from Raj Kapoor to Rajesh Khanna to now Shah Rukh Khan.
After spending three hours in an oven like kitchen…I had the full course ready. It was not tasty and all, but at least it was a beginning.
Rekha came back at 2 p.m….she sure was surprised. Shocked would be a better word. For the next half-an-hour I was lectured on why I should not indulge myself in cooking. It was 2.30 and I was hungry. But she went on….here is the list of things that I should have kept notice of while cooking –
1) Switch on the exhaust fan before you start cooking. This could save you from allegations like you burnt the food (even if you did, they wont know). You could also smoke in the kitchen and get away with it.
2) Make sure the vessels are clean before you put the vegetables inside. She refuses to agree that I washed the cooker clean…in spite of the sambar smelling of Dettol soap.
3) If you wash the vessels, make sure you remove the vim bar from inside. She says I could have left it inside the cooker. Actually, that does explain the green colored rice, I made.
4) Fruit Spice, cardamom, ginger, saffron, jeera, fenugreek, garlic, mustard, turmeric belong to the Spice family but don`t necessarily contribute to making the sambar spicy. Hence, don`t have all of them in the sambar.
5) While cooking, please don`t assume that it is going to be the last session inside the kitchen. Remember, that kitchens are not use-and-throw…they need to be used again…hence keep them clean.
There is one thing Rekha did not tell me and I learnt myself. When you cook, prepare enough of everything…otherwise chances are you would go hungry and spend your afternoon looking at your wife sleeping like an overfed-angel!