Month: March 2007

Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen. He and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It’s all part of Woody’s plan to grow his own wives.
– David Letterman

[For those who don`t know, Woody Allen married his own daughter. Foster child, actually]

The doctors – yes, two of them – have said that my wife is most likely to deliver our baby on March 20th. You can`t blame us for that. It happens in the best of families.

Rekha and I were discussing the other day about the baby and she was very excited that the labor was going to end soon. With great difficulty, I managed to convince her that labor doesn`t end when the baby is born, but begins from there. If you haven`t had a baby of your own, let me tell you that they are more trouble than what we attribute them and of course, more wonderful. [All this from the advice I have got from various quarters. Any more advice and I will shoot the advisor.]

The other day, I went out with two couples – they had included me in their plans because they thought I was living a lonely life in Chennai (remember, my wife is in Kerala).

One of the two couples had a baby – 6 months old – and the six of us had a good time. Just that they kept advising me on how my life would change after the baby makes an entry.

Rakesh started off, “you know the phrase ‘as easy as taking a candy from a baby`?

“Yeah, what about it?” In the last six months I have had 1000Xn number of people telling me about the various advantages and disadvantages of a baby that I was not interested in baby talk.

“That phrase was coined by a person who has never taken a candy from a baby.”

“What is your point?” I almost demanded an explanation.

I have a feeling Rakesh got the hint, for he didn`t elaborate and just said: “My point is that babies are difficult to handle.”

We didn`t speak for a while. His wife – Gauthami – spoke next. “You must have heard of the phrase ‘I slept like a baby`.”

“Yeah, I know a bit of English and know these phrases.”

She smiled at me which made me wonder if she realized that I was still miffed. Her silence was killing me. “Yeah, what about that phrase?”

“That phrase was coined by somebody who didn`t have baby in their home.”

At this, the other couple jumped to my rescue. They said they had to get up twice in the night to feed their six months old baby.

“Twice?” I was shocked. Nobody had told me that.

“Yes twice, but we both love the expression on his face when he dozes off to sleep after his feed.”

We continued talking for the rest of the journey. I realized that both the families – the one that had the baby and the one that didn`t have the baby were sorry for each other.

How should I feel now? I am confused. This is worse than buying a pair of sneakers.

Other Must Reads

# The initial months of pregnancy
# The baby-mother bonding
# Come to me baby!
# The concept of Birth
# Oral Contraceptives are the most popular ones

You got to read this – is this funny or what. Apparently, Google was sent this mail by one of the aspiring fly-by-night SEO company.

Dear google.com,
I visited your website and noticed that you are not listed in most of the major search engines and directories…”

Don’t believe me? Check out this link Here

Did you know that “Platonic” was a word used by Greek philosopher Plato to describe the love his guru Socrates had on one of his pupil. In short, love without sex.

After my wife left me on January 19 this year – she is now in her mother`s house for her delivery – I brushed up my flirting skills and joined the hunt again.

My wife came to know that I was back in the business of hunting, on 21 Jan. Wonder if it had to do with my 10 p.m. call to one of her friends, who liked me. At least, that`s what I thought. Apparently, girls who are married don`t like to be called after 9 p.m..

“You called my friend at 10 p.m.?” Rekha enquired.

“Yeah. Just wanted to have a chat…I was feeling lonely.” I was glad the conversation was over the phone. I had a face pack on and Rekha didn`t like me using her make up kit.

“Do you know that she is married?”

“Is she?”

“You could have called my single friends.” It was hard to gauge from her tone if she really meant it.

“Well…you know…I am just looking for a platonic relationship. Somebody to talk to…somebody to smell the perfume from…”

I heard Rekha heave a sigh of relief. The very next minute she gave me the numbers of some of her single friends – Pritha, Sowmya, and Jaspreet.

“Whom do you suggest I call first?” I was indirectly asking her who was the prettiest.

“My guess is you will have to call all three.” She seemed confident. I hate it when my wife is confident for it shakes me from my false yet solid ground.

“Why?,” I asked.

“I read somewhere that only one out of three girls believes in a platonic relationship.”

I remember we hung up after a while. Was my wife THAT one in three? Else, why would she give me phone numbers of her single friends?

I called up Pritha. She sounded sweet – if words could melt, I would have been an ice-cream accidentally left out of the fridge.

“Hi Pritha, I am Jammy….my wife`s husband.”

“Sorry?” Wonder why she didn`t understand.

“I am Rekha`s husband and I am looking for a friend to spend the evening with.”

“Rekha knows this?” I was insulted when Pritha asked this. What did she think of me? A phone address book stealer? Besides, Rekha was no Paris Hilton.

“Off course. Rekha gave me your number.”

“Nahh…I don`t go out with married men. They are more desperate than the single men.”

“That`s not true…” The phone went blank before I could complete the sentence. Maybe, her phone ran out of charge.

After thinking for three seconds, I called up Jaspreet. I could do with a north Indian girlfriend, I thought.

“Hi Jaspreet!” I tried to be as enthusiastic as I could. Today`s 20 year olds are just that – all enthusiasm and no finesse.

“Hi there! Do I know you?”

“I am Jammy. My wife`s husband.” It was getting difficult to maintain the enthusiasm. How these 20 year olds manage to do that?

“Sorry?”

“You know Rekha, right? She went to the trek in the Himalayas with you.”

“Ohh yeah. Hope she is fine.”

“She is doing great. She is in Kerala for her delivery – we are going to have a baby.”

“Wow…congrats dude.” She could be the one, I told myself before continuing.

“She is away for three months and I was wondering if we could spend some time together till she is back.”

“Platonic?”

“Purely platonic,” I replied with excitement.

I am not going to tell you what happened next. What the heck …big deal…yesterday we visited the art museum for a photo exhibition on ‘Women in the post World War 1 era` and today we are attending a seminar on “Choices for women in 21st century.”

Rekha`s statistics were wrong. Apparently, one girl out of two believes in platonic relationship.

P.S. Platonic relationships are costly. Jaspreet is yet to open her purse.

Other Must Reads

# My small family and the Oscars
# On why I would prefer grandchildren
# My Grandma didn’t go to Jail
# Appraisal time again!
# The art of swearing unnoticed

Did you know that Google doesn`t advertise its products? At least, I have not seen any advertisement of theirs. How do they manage to attract the huge numbers, then? Probably because they are creative.

Beat this – they have a Gmail commercial on YouTube, talking about the benefits of Gmail and which has already been seen by 655,000 people. The commercial is simple and is done in-house by one of its engineers but that doesn’t matter to the audience. In fact, some like me are showcasing them on their blogs.

Ever wondered why your site figured high in Google but way below in Yahoo search or MSN search? I did and would find out that different search engines use different relevancy criteria. In my attempt at comparing and contrasting how different search engines work, I landed on a link which wuld open my eyes to the World of search engines.

The link is too good for me NOT to share. The author of this article believes that Yahoo Search is better than MSN Search but nowhere near as good as Google at determining if a link is a natural citation or not. Why did the previous sentence creep in? Maybe because I work for Yahoo….Click Here

Once in a while doesnt hurt. At least, doesn’t hurt the promoter!

Amit Agarwal of the Digital Inspirations fame in his interview to ileher.com has said this

I like reading Ouch My Toe, Swadeshe, Newsmericks, VentureWoods and Mad Momma.

If there is somebody out there who doesn`t know Amit…first…keep it quite…don`t announce it to the World…and two…he is the same guy who named his son ‘Google`. Yes, you read it right. I won`t go into the details on why this name was chosen.

Here is what Seshu Karthick has to say about Ouchmytoe.com.

Ouch My Toe uses analogies, metaphors and similes to capture reader`s attention. I feel refreshed on reading any of his blog-posts, just as how I feel after listening to melodious music. This blog is real fun to read…

This post is purely imaginative and while it refers to the characters as Rekha – my wife and Selvi – my mother…they were in no way involved in this incident. This post has nothing to do with them. It has everything to do with me!

Fully aware of my hair`s need for coconut oil, my mother decided that Sunday was a good day for me to apply coconut oil and take bath. Like a lamb to the slaughter, I extended my head while she applied copious amount of Parachute oil (I still wonder why coconut oil has to be named Parachute. Why not ‘Lifeboat`?). Till this seemingly small incident, I didn`t realize that my hair was disputed territory. Though, the intelligent me should have guessed that anything at the top – Kashmir for example – is likely to be disputed. At least that is what half the World says.

I heard my wife, who I assume was just passing by, say: “Aunty, I could have done that.”

I heard my mother quickly respond, as if somebody had already given her the script and she had been practicing all night. “That`s ok dear. He is my son after all and I applied oil on his head for 28 years before you married him.”

“But now, I have married him, aunty.”

“That doesn`t mean I can`t apply oil on his head. Or does it?”

I tried to intervene but could only say ‘hey, mother…Rekha…” before my mother rolled my head around in such a way that my Adam`s apple hurt. Surprisingly, it was Adam`s apple but I felt the pain. While on the subject of apples, did you know that Newton`s apple fell? Anyway, I couldn`t utter a single word thereafter and was a mute spectator to this favorite pastime in Indian families.

“I know you have been applying oil on his hair for the last 28 years and that`s precisely why I am asking you to leave this to me now.” It was Rekha. She had her arms akimbo which meant she was angry.

With bated breath I waited for my mother to respond. What was she going to say? I saw logic in what my wife was saying.

“Rekha dear (I swear I spotted some sarcasm when she uttered the word ‘dear`)…you will know once you give birth to your child.”

“But aunty, you would have applied oil on uncle`s hair…so it is only just that you give me my share of joy.” You could accuse me of being a hen-pecked husband but I thought my wife was doing a fairly good job here.

Maybe the argument was taking a toll on my mother`s motor faculties…she was just running her oily, sticky fingers through my hair now. I knew she was thinking. Hard.

“Are you saying you will not apply oil on your son`s hair after he is married?” Now, the scales seem to tilt in my mother`s favor. I wondered how Rekha saw herself reacting when a similar situation arose – 30 years hence.

There was a long silence. Was it the right time for me to intervene? I wasn`t so sure. Many a times, a rabbit gets hurt because it thinks the tigresses are in a playful mood and it is the right time to get out of the shrub. I held my breath.

Rekha spoke first. “I agree aunty. You have every right to apply oil…by depriving you of a chance now I don`t want to let go of my chance when my son marries. Besides, medical facilities are really good now-a-days…and for all we know…I might not be able to cheat after you are gone.”

I thought I heard my mother`s victory smile. It was the right time to emerge from under my bush. I said: “Peace then, huh?”

Before my mother could say anything my wife jumped up and said, “Let me give you an oil massage today.” I smiled – luck takes many forms before it smiles on you. As I followed my wife I heard myself say: ‘Sorry, mom!”

Other Nasty Reads

# What if there were no women in the World
# Kid Story: How Onion got its clothes
# Farting…the fading art
# The art of making good tea
# Married men, watch out for dinner-time

Just like the tortoise boss, the arm chair boss, the peanut boss, the skirt boss and the dolphin boss, there are many types of fathers in law. I am not bluffing here – these boss types real but this post wouldn`t elaborate because it is dedicated to father in laws.

Fathers in law are unique relationships. Men have no choice over them – they come with the girl they marry.

It is not that you meet your future father in law in a party or discotheque and give him your number and say, “hey, why don`t you call me up sometime? We can catch up on things.” Once he calls you, visit parks and beaches and develop a relationship and then ask: “Now that we thick and like hanging around together, what is your daughter doing? Got a photograph of hers?”

To give you an analogy, marriage is like jumping a pit – if the daughter is the scenery beyond the pit…her father is the depth of the pit. You can see the scenery before you decide to jump…but you can see the depth only when you look down while jumping. Like all those suffering men, I also met my father in law once I decided to get married to Rekha. I came to know him real better after my marriage.

There are many types of fathers in law (FIL) and mine is the “Surveyor FIL” – because he surveys everything I do.

When he entered my house in Chennai for the first time, he asked: “How many square feet?”

“What do you mean?” I questioned his dominance.

“Never mind. Is the entrance North facing?”

“I don`t know uncle. Why don`t you sit down and take some rest?”

If my words didn`t do the trick my stare must have for he sat down on the bean bag. The moment he was on the bean bag, he opened his mouth again: “You should have bought the smaller bean bags – now they occupy at least 50 square feet of your space.”

What happened next is not important, primarily because my wife came to her father`s rescue. Once she started staring at me, I had to give him more respect than what I gave the fish-thorn stuck between my incisors and pre-molars.

* * * * *

Do you know your father in law type? If no, read on….

THE ASTROLOGER TYPE

One line definition: He thinks he has enough experience to predict the outcome of all your actions.
Usual Greeting: Let the divine plan unveil.
Favorite Sentences: “This won`t work out.” “Why don`t you hold on for a few days?” “I am telling you- invest now and relax for the rest of your life.”

THE ARMYMAN TYPE

One line definition: He thinks if you are not physically fit and disciplined like his pet, you are going to be a failure in life.
Usual Greeting: “Hark! Who goes there?” “Attention!”
Favorite Sentences: “Why don`t you come with me for a walk in the mornings?” “You are putting on a lot of weight.” “In 1975, when I was your age I could run 40 kilometers a day.”

THE MANAGING DIRECTOR TYPE

One line definition: He wants to keep all the stake holder`s happy – his relatives, your relatives, his friends, your friends. Everybody.
Usual Greeting: “May all think good of you.”
Favorite Sentences: “What will your relatives think if they come to know?” “What about your friends – do they know that you are going to US alone?” “What does your mom say about your new jeans?”

THE UNION LEADER TYPE

One line definition: As a union leader is concerned only about labourers, this type of father in law is only concerned about his daughter.
Usual Greeting: “May you live long.” (That is coz he doesn`t want his daughter to become a widow soon)
Favorite Sentences: ‘My daughter would be happy if you come home early.” “My daughter feels you should spend more time with the baby.” “My daughter likes Vanilla ice cream, why don`t you get a family pack on the way back home?”

Other Must Reads

# Accepting gifts from relatives
# Never be selfish, go and meet your in-laws
# My world is suddenly crowded
# Get, Set, Go! Or should it be Get, Wet, Go!
# Of cows, urinary bladders and the Vivekananda Rock