Month: March 2007

The word has spread and all the nurses have ganged up against me in order to save Rekha her husband. This is the problem with today`s World – news travels fast. Esp, news of somebody being a flirt.

My sense of humor didn`t help me either when I met my match in ‘Sister` Rosa Kutty (not the twin sister of Indian middle distance runner of the 90s).

“Sister, can you tell me how you differentiate between a boy and a girl when they are born?” I asked in an attempt to get closer to her.

She replied as if she had practiced the reply a 100 times before: “That`s simple. We just wrap the baby in a soft, white, cotton cloth and if he looks like an angel in it…it is a boy and if she looks like an angel in it, it is a girl.”

Moral of the Story: Never trust your sense of humor to take you anywhere.

Thanks to the baby daughter…we Rajans have achieved many firsts –

A lady who always called herself ‘A` and who has anonymously left comments on Ouchmytoe for the last 3 years or so… revealed her identity, today. (Discussion about her identity has spiced up our dinner many a times. Primarily because Rekha uses very little of spice and salt while cooking)

The Rajans have never received a call from Australia congratulating them on the birth of a baby. Probably because they have never had a baby before. Today, Ramadas Mannattil – a regular reader and friend called us from Down Under.

The Rajans have never received so many comments in a single day. On earlier occasions, 40 comments would have meant 20 stupid replies to beef up the number….but not today Sire.

Never before has anybody called from New Delhi and asked what the Rajans wanted as a gift for their new born. Again, probably because before 12 noon on 29th March the Rajans didn`t have a child. Please note that we quickly said ‘We don`t want anything` ‘We don`t want anything` and ‘we don`t want anything` and then in the same breath said “Why don`t you send us a white, cotton mosquito net?”. The Rajans always refuse thrice before accepting anything. A loop-hole left in Rajan`s mother`s diktat: ‘Whenever anybody give you something to eat, always refuse thrice before accepting it. Don`t rush for it.”

As of now the most photogenic person in the family is our little daughter but before her arrival the Rajans didn`t have anybody. The most photogenic person in the family before 12 noon, 29 March was uncle Subramanian who still steps in for Babloo the bear in Wandalur Zoo, Chennai whenever the original gets a stomach upset.

Post Script: Rekha is getting discharged from the post-operative ward tomorrow. If anybody wants to wish her, you can reach her at 09884391220 after 1 p.m. IST. I am sure she would love to hear from you. I am not giving my mobile number because I didn`t do much except for standing on a stool and clapping as the baby emerged out of the operation theatre.

Today – 29th March 2007 – at 12 noon my wife gave birth to a baby girl. Now I know why babies are considered a bundle of joy – they come wrapped as a bundle in a white, soft, cotton wrap-around (doesn`t look as good on the baby girl as it does on other 18 year olds) for which I was asked to pay later – Rs 40.

It wasn`t a normal delivery. She was born via a C-section operation, where ‘C` stands for Caesarean. Legend has it that Caesar`s mother delivered him thus but there are doubts over the same. Read more about Caesarean deliveries.

I was just thinking about Caesarean deliveries – kind of different. If one were to look for an example in day to day living…it is like choosing to walk out of the window when the door is still available. Simple.

This incident has made me realize that childbirth is the only time one visits the hospital in a happy frame of mind. Doctors are an exclusion to this rule – why wouldn`t one be happy making money?

Rekha is still under observation. I am told that`s routine after a C-section. I am not complaining for it gives me ample time to mingle with the pretty nurses. Pity, one is forced to addressed them as “Sister”. I did try a Johnny Bravo line on one of the nurses. I walked up to her and said: “You smell kind of pretty. Want to smell me?”

She gave me a stare. Then smiled at me before saying: “Sure. First, let me clean the gooey mess you daughter has delivered on our operation table.”

Just when I was making some headway, the gynecologist walked into the scene. I have a feeling the nurses are not allowed to flirt with the patrons, for the nurse ignored me thereafter.

I did look thro` the glass window of the Isolation Ward (they could have chosen a better name – it is as if Rekha had been abducted by the aliens) and whispered “I love you,” to Rekha. She in turn said something which I couldn`t hear. When I called my hands and legs to the rescue and conveyed to her that I didn`t understand, she asked the nurse to write something in a paper and hand it over to me. It was the nurse I had flirted with, so I gave my million dollar smile as I took the piece of paper from her hand.

The piece of paper said: “Now you have got what you have always wanted – a second woman in your life. You better behave.”

Other Related Must Reads

Announcing – Pregnancy Diary
The initial months of pregnancy
The baby-mother bonding
Come to me baby!
Communicating a baby`s birth to the World

I don`t know how my family communicated my birth to the rest of the world. Some of my guesses are:

Drum beats sounding like the much fashion-walked song ‘Cotton Eye Joe`

Painting the trees in the area red (when the trees got cut and towns got built the phrase changed to ‘painting the town red`)

Marathoners who could run 42+ kilometers and dropped dead as soon as the message was delivered

Asking the relatives to mark a bigger territory (you know how) coz there was a newer member

Now-a-days times have changed. Relatives no longer go around town pissing on parapet walls, tree trunks, lamp posts, post boxes, and picket fences just because a baby was born in the family.

With little resources in hand, I have decided to use my mobile to communicate to the world as soon as our kid is born. In a way, it is revenge. In the eight years I have had a mobile phone, I received this dreaded message – ‘At ** p.m. today, I became a father. Both the baby and the mother are fine` – umpteen number of times. How does one go about replying to such messages? Here are some of my responses over the years –

Way to go. You proved yourself as a man!

Wow. Congrats. So when is the next one due?

Phew! That was quick.

I thought you guys got married only two months ago? Didn`t you?

So, what is she saying now? Have you spoken about divorce yet?

One thing that has bothered me for long is…why don`t the mothers send these messages? I am yet to receive a message reading: “At ** a.m. today, I became a mother. Both the baby and the father are fine.”

Maybe the women in my world are lazy. Or maybe, a child birth for them is just another daily chore. Or maybe, they reach out to their husbands lying next to them in a stretcher (after witnessing all the action in the labor room) and ask them to send out the SMS.

I will be in Kerala when my child is born, and sending messages to the 300 odd contacts in my phone book would cost me at least Rs 1000 (while roaming, Hutch charges Rs 3+ per message). Quite a costly affair, considering I didn`t accept a penny in dowry. Primarily, coz penny isn`t accepted in India.

With little money I plan to drop the inform-by-an-SMS plan and look for a simple (by which I mean a cheap) mode of communication.

Maybe, I can place a star on top of my house – like how Jesus` parents did. The problem is, my house is not a manger but an apartment (from outside, that is). Even if I decide to have the star, I need to get the permission of my flat association president and I am sure he wouldn`t allow me because I sent him this message when he announced the birth of his daughter: “Wow…I never knew your wife`s tummy actually had a baby. I thought it was more a case of overeating.”

The other option I have is to immediately boot my laptop, connect to the internet and dispatch a mail to all contacts. I have done my homework in this regard – I already have the mail ready. Here is how it goes:

Hi all,

With great difficulty, Rekha and I became parents today. It has been quite a journey – especially from Chennai to Kannur…in Mangalore Mail.

I am not sure of the time the child was born, because I was sedated and was in a stretcher alongside Rekha, when the baby saw the light of day. (Note to myself: Find out the time of birth and head for the nearest astrologer).

The child is doing fine. Is all of 3.2 Kgs and like his father is also a bundle of joy. Don`t think he will grow up to be a stand up comedian because he can`t stand up, yet. He is always in a state of meditation – wonder if he is the next Buddha. This thought scares me because like Buddha he isn`t wearing any clothes either.

Cheers
Jammy (the husband) & Rekha (the wife)

If you forward this mail to eight people within the next eight minutes, you will get a baby in the next eight months. Unmarried people please use your discretion.

Other Must Reads

# Kissing – how it all began
# Getting to know sex
# Toilets – how lucky we are to have them
# The initial months of pregnancy