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Sex

Making Love vs Having Sex

I remember one of the fairer sexes recently commenting on this blog, that blog posts on ‘sex` are increasing with my age. Let me point her to a category called SEX on Ouchmytoe (man…that sounded like sex on toast!), where the most recent post is ‘Jammy`s Sex life exposed!,` written as early as 18th Feb, 2007 and the one before that was ‘One month overdue!` written on 19th Sept, 2006.

Anyway, this blog post is not about sex…it is about making love. Ask any girl and she will tell you that ‘making love` and ‘having sex` are different. ‘Having sex` is what we men are after…and ‘making love` is what we are forced to call it because that`s what the girl likes to call it.

Here is proof that men are being forcefully initiated into the habit of “making love” and not “having sex” even before they know what sex is. Why else would a Google search for ‘How to have sex` show lesser results (32,100,000 results) than a Google search for ‘How to make love` (54,700,000 results)?

Man has adapted to the needs of the woman. Now, when he ventures out to impress a lady, he suppresses all his urges and does what the lady wants. He makes love. Making love to a lady is a delicate act….and like anything delicate…it is tough on the untrained man. Unlike making a bed, making love isn`t all about bedsheets & pillows & their positions.

The other day I was making love with a lady. We felt as if we were the center of the universe and everything (and everybody) was revolving around us. Thankfully, all doors & windows were closed and no one was looking at us. The moment was intense. I think that`s when I looked into the girl`s eyes…stared deep into them… and asked: “Are you squint eyed?”

She didn`t respond. And after that I couldn`t get close enough to the girl, to check out if she really had squint eyes. That`s the thing about making love. When a man makes love he is forced to use words that angels use. Words that he would never use when not high on the potent drink called testosterone. Here are some examples:

  • [Name of the girl], I love you sooooooo much. (To which the girl will respond with a longer sooooooooooooooo)
  • [Name of the girl], promise me you will never leave me and go? (Trust me, at that point the guy means it)
  • [Name of the girl], you are the best thing that has happened to me. (So Smitha Tandon was the second best?!)
  • [Name of the girl], you know what…I can die in your arms right now. (I can almost hear the girl say: “Don`t buddy…what do I tell the police…how should I explain a naked corpse in a sub-urban hotel…in the middle of the night?”)
  • Men who don`t make love but have sex, don`t talk like angels. But they mean what they say.

    If you are a man that likes to have sex but are caught up with a lady who wants to make love…be careful about what you say.

    Making love or having sex…there are certain things that should never be said.

  • [Name of the girl], what is that in your eye? Didn`t wash your face properly in the morning? (But this is definitely better than asking her to pick her nose)
  • [Name of the girl], do you have a skin problem? Suddenly, I am itching all over. (Even if you end up asking…don`t ask where she has kept the Odomos)
  • [Name of the girl], I always wanted to be a porn star. Want to make our own video for the personal collection? (Even if she agrees, don`t upload it on youtube.com and embed the video on your blog)
  • [Name of the girl], do you love me or are you doing this just for the money? (Beware, what if she tells the truth?)
  • [Name of the girl], I love to have sex with you. (Remember, it is always about making love!)
  • Ladies & Gentlemen, anything I missed our here?

    Other Funny Reads

    # Growth Pangs – for a 30+ man
    # Male sex organs (U Certificate)
    # How Indian wives take their husbands for a ride
    # Encounters of the third kind
    # Sending off a girl to Mumbai

    Chance pe Dance

    I have been dancing since I was just 3 years old. I started off dancing to the tune of my mother, and by 10 when I got beyond her control…I my father took over and gave me the tune to dance to. Around 15, I was dancing to the tune of my physical education teacher at school…and by 20 was dancing to Kavita`s tune – yes, she was my first girl friend. Just that she didn`t know.

    When 26, I started dancing to Rekha`s tunes, and one day when I was deeply engrossed …she tied the mangal sutra on my neck and made me her husband. Ever since our marriage, I have danced to her tunes. Now that I have a new girl friend, I have been dancing to her tunes. Believe me, dancing is tiring.

    Recently, I was dancing to my girl friend`s tune when an old friend came up to me and asked: “Know why you can never be a good dancer?”

    Perplexed, I said ‘No.”

    “You are an animal, that`s why you will never be a good dancer.” The old friend seemed tense. From the expression on his face, I could make out that even if I did dance well, he would come home and break my legs.

    “You mean in the sense that all human beings are animals?” I enquired for more clarity.

    “Yes, and all animals have two left feet.”

    “That`s not true. Monkeys don`t.” I protested.

    “Dogs do. Cats do. Horses do. Want more?” My old friend was enjoying the domination.

    “What about centipedes? They have 100 left feets?” I was not trying to make fun of him…I just wanted to understand the concept well.

    My friend got angry and left the place. But he had taught me a lesson. Perhaps, that`s why we human beings dance only when we have to.

    Take this young lad for example, who spent half an hour looking at the jam bottle on the table and then started to twist dance. Apparently, on top of the jam bottle was written ‘twist to open`. Don`t believe me? Check out this video.

    The problem with dancers is that they always want to be in the front, seen by the audience and applauded.

    One of my gay friends, who was into ballet once called me up at 6.30 a.m.. “Jammy, I had a nightmare last night!”

    Knowing how excited he could get, I just said: “OK.”

    “Wouldn`t you want to know what I saw in the nightmare?”

    My friend wouldn`t give in so easily so I said, “Sure tell me about this nightmare that made you get up in the middle of the night at 6.30 a.m. and call me.”

    “I was dancing with a group of ballerinas in Amitabh Bachan`s family show.”

    “Wow. That`s pretty nightmarish. So what did you do?” I have this knack of saying what my friends want to hear.

    “No stupid, that wasn`t the nightmare. I was in the fourth row…and that`s when I started sweating and got up from my sleep and sat down!” My friend was panting, so didn`t have the heart to say that in an Amitabh Bachan family show there are way too many stars.

    While on the subject of dancing, here is a joke I picked up from the internet:

    A man had just been laid off from work. He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting ready to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank below.

    He thought, “Life isn’t so bad after all,” and got off the railing.

    He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life.

    “Thank you,” he said. “I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind.”

    “Dancing? I’m not dancing!” the armless man replied bitterly … “My asshole itches, and I can’t scratch it!”

    Other Funny Reads

    # When I became a cockroach
    # Traveling by Kingfisher Airlines
    # When I was a famous jockey
    # December 31, 2005 to January 1, 2006
    # Ice Creams & their funny names

    On why I had to leave Silicon Valley

    If you aren`t a smart person, you probably think Silicon Valley is Pamela Anderson`s cleavage. No! Just because Pamela Anderson has gone for silicon implants…one can`t take it literally.

    Silicon Valley is the southern part of San Francisco Bay Area, Northern California, USA and a region where high-tech companies (and mostly internet-based) come up every day. Way back in 2000 A.D., when I was all of 25 years old I used to have a small company in the Silicon Valley.

    This story is about how I lost that company to a sweet talker, and returned home a pauper.

    I think it was sometime in April, 2000. I had been in the US for two years and was getting bored. Most of my time was spent in front of the computers thinking of ideas to take over the World. That`s when I decided to chill out….you know…visit a pub or something…pick up women…and bring them home. The plan was simple…turn into a heat-seeking-missile, spot the women, lure them into the trap, and get them home.

    Google was then a new search engine on the block…and everybody was raving about it. So I decided to search in Google and find a good bar / pub that I could visit. The first result was a nice place called “Silicon Valley Bar Association.” I took down a second place as well…what if “Silicon Valley Bar Association” was crowded? Behind the back of a paper napkin, I wrote down “Silicon Valley Bar Association” & “Fahrenheit Ultra Lounge“. We Silicon Valley people thought that if it wasn`t behind a paper napkin, it wasn`t important.

    Unfortunately, “Silicon Valley Bar Association” was a place for attorneys…and indulged in courts & cases. They had nothing to do with chilling out….so I had to walk all the way back towards “Fahrenheit Ultra Lounge.”

    The problem with “Fahrenheit Ultra Lounge” was that…there was a lot of space between me and the others. When you are a heat-seeking-missile, there is a range that you can operate in and beyond that range your signals fall week. Anyway, we Rajans are not known to back off ever – least so in a place throbbing with beautiful women – young, old, married, unmarried…all kinds.

    The closest to me was a lady in black…I could see her back. The light shone on her smooth, curved back and I knew that very instant that I had to take this lady home. If possible, also make her my wife.

    With the usual gusto that we Rajans are famous for, I stood up, checked my hair to ensure it was in place and walked towards her.

    “Hi, looks like somebody needs a little company,” I quipped.

    She was as smooth & curved from the front as she was from the back.

    “Why? Do you have a company you want to sell?” She sounded so much in control. I made a mental note that this is the kind of women I like.

    Somehow, the discussion veered towards my company…and ten minutes after her husband joined her….I had sold my company for a lot less than what it was worth. I did try to bring in ‘time-shares with the wife` as part of the deal…but that didn`t work out either.

    Today, I am back in India…and working for somebody else.

    Moral of the Story: Men, stay away from the women. They are way too smart.

    Other Funny Reads

    # A phone conversation with my girlfriend
    # Am I turning into a woman?
    # How do I get six packs in three months?
    # How and when Jammy gets insulted
    # Getting locked inside somebody`s washroom
    # Now Rekha and I fight for different reasons