A lonely, desperate man

Have you ever been desperate? If you are a lady, you probably DON`T know how it feels…but a man will understand. A man, who is short, dark and makes no sense to pretty girls will understand it better. Just in case you don`t know, I am short, dark and make no sense to girls…somebody like GB Shaw. >> See his picture

GB Shaw

Gb Shaw

Some of you might argue that GB Shaw made no sense to the girls because he was intelligent. But that`s not the point I am debating here.

Anyway, I have been home alone for the last 25 days. Rekha has been away since April 12 and my girl friend has been away on assignments ever since (how I hate working girlfriends!). Thanks to these thankless souls I have been having a lonely existence.

Here is how a desperate, lonely man`s average day goes:

6.35 a.m.:
Get up and check the phone first. See if the girl friend called you while you were asleep. Why didn`t she call? Has she found a boyfriend? Check the missed calls. What if she called late in the night and you missed it? As a last resort, check if the wife has left any missed calls. Pointless, I know. Why would a wife leave a missed call late in the night? Wouldn`t she be snoring?

7.00 a.m.:
Check mobile again. What if the girl friend called when you were in the loo reading the newspaper.

7.20 a.m.:
Debate if one has to make tea. For it means, three utensils will get soiled and will have to be washed – the pan, the sieve and the ceramic cup. Eventually one makes tea and looks at the mobile again – this time for missed calls.

8.00 a.m.:
Sit in front of the desktop and see if there are any new mails. After the gmail account, try the hotmail account and then the Yahoo account. The last mail in Yahoo account is at 12.30 a.m., which you have already seen. It is the one about ‘how to give complete pleasure to the woman in your life,` and you had already responded saying there were none to be seen around.

8.15 a.m.:
Wonder if you really have to take bath because no one will know if you didn`t. Decide to just brush your teeth – and that too because Pepsodent Mint was bought yesterday and you are keen to know how it tastes. Try eating a squeeze of Pepsodent Mint tooth paste and find out that the froth (or is it foam?) is more than that in a Close Up paste.

8.25 a.m.:
Come out of the washroom feeling happy that you didn`t have to take bath. Dry the towel outside anyway because you don`t want the neighbours to suspect that you didn`t take bath.

8.45 a.m.:
Lock the door hoping to bring along a girl (or a boy) in the evening for some company. Before you lock and turn your brain lets you know that it is not going to happen. So feel sad and depressed.

8.50 a.m.:
Sit in the car and wonder who to call during the 10 minute drive to the office. Think of girls in previous office. Wonder if the girl reportee in previous job would be married or not. Wonder if her husband would end up pick up the call? Anyway, try her number and find out that she is already talking to somebody – her boyfriend perhaps.

9.05 a.m.:
Reach the office car park. Try hard. Anybody who can be called? Decide that even a boy is fine as long as he picks up the phone. He doesn`t pick up the phone. Console self that he must be driving.

9.15 a.m. to 7.30 p.m.:
Spend the whole day thinking if you will get somebody to spend the evening with. After 5.30 p.m. decide that even a man will do. After 7.00 p.m. decide that even somebody about 45 years of age will do. At 7.30 p.m. – when you are leaving office – realize that even a plastic doll will do.

8.00 p.m.:
While opening the door, wonder if it would have been better if you were a girl. It would have been child`s play to get a boy home. A nudge here, a wink there….that is all one would have required.

8.30 p.m.:
Wonder if you can call that girl who once said she liked your funny articles on Ouchmytoe. Was she married? Did she sound as if she was married? No idea. Plan dropped because didn`t want to be confronted by an upset husband/boyfriend.

9.00 p.m.:
Nothing like a Fosters beer to give you company. Two Fosters is even better.

10.00 p.m.:
See if the porn collection you have been building over the years still looks exciting. Find out that you have outgrown your collection and need something more contemporary. Age has mellowed you down and you are treading new territory – tasteful porn.

10.15 p.m.:
Find out a site called http://www.savitabhabhi.com (Don`t click if you are in office) – realize that this will be a sure hit among the Indian audience. Especially the male audience.

11.30 p.m.:
Realize that porn is a bad thing. Decide to have dinner instead and hit the bed.

12 midnight:
Hit the bed a lonely, desperate man.

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