Technology that does not work

Every production unit in the World looks at inventing, patenting and then making shit loads of money.

Yet, here is one idea that has not struck them. An idea that six billion earthlings will be willing to buy at the price it is quoted.

Name of the product: Shirk-o-meter
Bandwidth: Will help an employee sham around
Market: All the employees of the World and that is pretty much everybody
Price: Any price will be worth the investment
Product life-cycle: As long as the consumer lives

For every boss who wants some work done, there are at least six-seven of his juniors who do not want to work. These six-seven are potential customers with their boss joining the list as soon as his senior in office enters the scene.

This could be a device, which when inserted into your body will filter all impulses you receive from the outside world, that suggest you need to work to make a living. Thus, you would not think of the bills to be paid early next month, or the glare your wife will give when you return home empty handed on June 1st.

There is one concern; this product cannot be swallowed with a gulp of water or for that matter placed inside your body by surgery. A 3-dimensional measurement of your orifice needs to be done and the product customized accordingly so that there is no complication during and after the insertion.

Ironically, none of the entrepreneurs seem interested in this product. So much so, they are hell bent on making/improving products – Instant Messengers, e-mails, Internet, P2P applications, telephones – that will help a man work more and faster. Or so they think….

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A beggar’s paradise

My pocket had been picked and for the last seven hours I had been at the mercy of the elements. Chennai had many to offer, especially if you were somebody like me – good looking, innocent and with a heart that beat for the others.

With darkness engulfing the city, if you could call it one, I needed a place to settle. I had my plans laid out. With whatever little money I was left with, I called up my mother and she had promised to send money to the nearby post office and I was to collect it from the Postmaster.

I was at peace with myself. With an assurance of a better tomorrow, a place to stay for the night was all I asked for but I did not know that Chennai had this habit of testing its visitors before obliging with their requests. Nice city, I have to agree and I have my reasons too.

There are times in everyone`s life when one realizes the importance of coins – the ones that in periods of affluence are ignored and just carried about, without being used for the fear of being considered cheap. Had I not been mean to small change, I would have spent the night inside the Railway station. A platform ticket worth three rupees was all I needed to buy and I could have spent a night under the fan, with a loo to back up my bladder, which believed that I was a beer guzzler and hence reported for duty at regular intervals.

With no small change on me, I had to settle down on a long, raised platform built for the pedestrians entering the station. Luckily for me, Chennai has a tropical climate and the month of April is hotter than the other eleven. Even as I gazed at the clouds parting, just so I could catch a glimpse of the stars, I knew that I was safe – at least from the cold. The mosquitoes did not matter. We had them in Madurai and I had seen all kinds.

I would never have grown fond of Chennai, had it not been for the policeman on patrol, though he is not the real protagonist of this narration. As I settled down on the pavement, this policeman walked up to me and enquired, “I see that you are new here?”

It was then I noticed that many like me were scattered all around. For a moment I thought there were too many pocket pickers in Chennai but then reality dawned. There were about a dozen of them and in the moonlight I could see bliss on their face. Once I realized that they were at peace with themselves and the world, I knew it. I knew that they were all beggars and for a day, I would be one among them.

“Yes, sir. Somebody picked my pocket today afternoon and I am waiting for my mother to send me some money,” I said.

“You cannot spend the night here if you do not give me something, ” was the policeman`s curt reply.

Luckily, I happened to understand his need and offered him my wristwatch. I did not even get a chance to thank the policeman as he looked around and grabbed my payment and walked away into the darkness. Later when I was thinking about it, I shuddered at the thought of picking up a fight with the policeman and waking up all those blessed with celestial bliss.

As I was reveling in my unaccustomed leisure, I felt a hand on my shoulder. But for the moonlight, I would not have seen his face and would have screamed. Just that he was he was ugly and scary.

“I saw you giving your wrist watch to the policeman. Had you told me earlier, I would have told the cop that you were my relative from across the city,” said the beggar with a voice that seemed to be coming from his stomach – after a lot of struggle.

With the ice broken, we exchanged pleasantries and then got back to serious conversation. He gave me his word that he was not a born beggar. He also added, “I am not into this because I like it. You should try to understand that I was rich enough for my ignorance of certain things to be branded eccentricity.”
This aroused my curiosity. Whoever said, curiosity killed the cat was wrong because I got my story and lived to tell it. Here is his story, in pretty much the same words he used.

About twenty years back, I was a small time clerk at the Chennai Employment Exchange. When I say small, it does not really mean small because every action of mine decided the future of the unemployed of the city. I know it is hard to believe when a beggar says so, but that`s the truth.

Had it not been for this distant aunt of mine, I would still have been working there, probably waiting for my retirement. For reasons unknown to her close relatives and me, my name figured in her will and overnight I was a rich man. She had left me a tea-estate in the Nilgiris.

Now, I am not somebody who ever was interested in another`s wealth. You might ask me, why I beg in that case, but believe me, even today when I spread my palms for a rupee to be dropped, my heart aches. Hence, I refused to accept her legal declaration that I should get the tea-estate. But what can a man do when the whole World gangs up against you. I was forced into accepting the inheritance, but not before I made it very clear to all those involved that I was doing so only because my aunt wanted me to.

With the riches, I also gained some self-esteem and as a result I could not make it to the Chennai Employment Exchange everyday. I shifted to the palatial house in Nilgiris, where my aunt wanted me to stay while I took care of her tea-estate. Life was never so easy. I had everything I wanted, except for good friends.

Many would come by, but I knew they were getting closer just so they could have a piece of my wealth. Every good word they spoke, felt like a vehicle they were using to reach out and touch my heart. Every good deed of theirs felt like an effort to make it to my will. Now, don`t think I was imagining things, keep listening.

Over a period of time, I fell out with all my close friends. They said the riches had made me arrogant and stiff-necked. I did not care for I knew friends would come and go.

Even before I knew, more than a decade transpired and the royalty of money started waning. I had spent thirteen years all alone managing a tea-estate. There were people around me, the ones that plucked the tealeaves and the ones that packed them, but we never had any intelligent conversation. Since, they considered me one rung above, it was a lonely existence.

I tried to get into wedlock by advertising in the papers but did not get any proposals. There is something I want to tell you about this newspaper agent – he was very incoherent. When I gave him my photograph, which I wanted him to publish as a part of the matrimonial advertisement, he suggested that I don`t use the photograph. When enquired, he could not come up with a satisfactory answer.

Anyways, as I was saying, I did not get any proposals.

With nobody to share my thoughts I was annoyed with myself. Soliloquies became an everyday feature but even then, I had nothing to talk about. Though I was blessed with the means and the urge to do so many things, I could not. And this weighed me down. I realized that I just existed. So much so, there were times when I was made to think that this aunt of mine had an enmity with our family and this was her revenge.

I was losing my balance, and life no longer was the sweet pie, it used to be. Call it stupidity, but all of a sudden, I had realized the importance of friends. I knew I had been a scoundrel. Being a Libran, I always believed in evening out things, and I decided to go about it as soon as possible. After a lot of trouble, which then made me feel good, I got the addresses of five of my best friends of yesteryears. The easy part was selling my whole property, the house included and convert it into cash.

I intended to distribute my wealth equally amongst my friends and then commit suicide. I was so determined that in a week`s time, I had made all arrangements. Incidentally, the day happened to be the 8th of June – the best friend`s day.

I did not want my friends to have any complications after my death; hence, I mailed them their share in cash and settled down to business. I had already bought a bottle of rat poison that the local chemist had suggested. You being one of those young types might think that I am bluffing my way into your heart, but no sire, that`s not what I am.

After some whiskey, which I agree I needed to calm down my nerves, I drank the poison. Yes, the whole bottle. I don`t exactly remember anything after that, not because I was in a coma or something but everything happened so fast. I survived the suicide attempt, and was admitted in the hospital. When the hospital authorities enquired about my relatives, I told them that I had none and they could contact my friends for anything. After all, I had made amends. You would be surprised to know that nobody came to see me during my four day stay in the hospital.

As you may remember, I had sold everything that I could call my own in a bid to help my friends. As a result, when I was discharged, I landed up on this pavement. If you are curious to know how I paid the hospital fees, I gave them my wristwatch.

Penta Associates Beware!

Wanted to illustrate a cartoon on the medical camp happening and the associtaes who have spent five years here in Sify, but ended up clubbing both. For the un-informed, I will be completing five years in Sify in a year and a half.

*Unfortunately, I quit Sify well before completing my five years.

You are my Sonia

Unlike my colleague Vinesh, I do not think we Indians bungled by voting for the Congress. Click Here and read his blog to empathise with him.

While I have no love lost for Sonia, Vinesh’s views sent me into uncontrollable rage. But better sense prevailed, and I suddenly realised that those that are weaker in the body believe in the power of the pen.

Have taken bits of Vinesh’s blog…after all one needs to tear him apart bit by bit……

Friends, if we were given the choice, I am sure we would retaliate to the ominous signs that Sonia Gandhi, an Italian national could well become Prime Minister of India.
Come on Vinesh, what is all this ‘given a choice’ thinge….weren’t you given a choice? Do not tell me that she staged a coup, outsed Vajpayee and now has decided to become the Prime Minister! I wonder if you even cast your vote.

But power is a game of politics
Should it not be – politics is a game of power?

Mr. Vajpayee, who in my opinion was the best Prime Minister we have ever had and by a mile.
Please do not read much into the above statement, because our protagonist has never read/thought or seen the previous PMs. Back then, he was a head-banging, gum chewing, guitar-slinging rock star, who did not know newspapers existed.

To me, all of this trivializes in the face of having a person of Italian origin, birth and original nationality as our premier.
Your favourite team Ferrari is Italian. Your favourite sportsman Michael Schumacher is a German. And wasn’t Germany an ally of Italy during the two World Wars? You swear by Hyundai, a Korean company, that is neighbour to Japan, another ally of Italy during the WWs.

BTW, whats that painting you have hanging in drawing room? A Piccaso duplicate?

Guys that get excited soon have one stumbling block. The one in their head.

By the way, really appreciate the 250+ comments he has got on his blog. Goes to show that there are people who really care.

PS: No, I do not have a gun to my head when I wrote the last line. Neither was I worried about Vinesh’s size or for that matter the fact that my Medial Insurance has expired.

Tech Speak

Thanks to technology people, many a times, I have been at the receiving end. Hard to say, whose mistake it was. Anyways, now I am no longer under the impression that different languages only mean stuff like html, Perl, ASP….

Virgin Speak

I was new, and was just getting used to the school. Before enrolling me, my father had extolled the merits of the school. Not great in studies he wanted me to excel (aren`t all pops like that?).

I was in grade ten. Her name was Kavita Krishnamurthy. She was my classmate.

On my second day at school, this girl Kavita walks up to me and said, “I have a feeling I love you. Do you love me?”

I did not remember seeing her in the class. I said so. She gave me two days time to think and was gone.

Meanwhile, I had got a few friends and they convinced me that it would be a good idea to agree. “But I do not like her. And I do not even know her,” I protested. “Who cares man,” they shouted in unison.

“Think of all those greeting cards you will get at regular intervals,” Arun said.
“The tasty lunch she would bring from her house,” Rajah exclaimed.
“Those pastries she would buy you from Sundaram Iyengar bakery, Bhoopathy remarked.
“She could also draw paramecium for you on your biology practicals,” Sundaresan chipped in.

The deal was tempting, and when Kavita emerged from behind the shadows two days later, I said, I do. She was ecstatic.

Seeing her excited, I was a little worried. Probably she expected something from me. The same way I had fallen for the cards, lunch, pastries and the occasional help during biology practicals. I even questioned her, and she said it was enough if I was there for her.

I did not a sleep that night. Probably she was a canny lady, waiting to pounce on me with her demands when I least expected them. The demands never came.

We started coming to school a little earlier than usual, and spend time together. Her father was in the Merchant Navy and hence she had loads of stories to tell. As for me, it helped that my father was in the Indian Army. I passed on all those stories my father had told us a hundred times over.

In the evenings, we would go home together. She had a red BSA SLR (a popular model of the early nineties). I had to cross her house to reach mine, but was careful never to go too close to her house. She had said it could be a little dangerous, for her mother was protective of her daughter.

We lost count of days and weeks and later months in our blinded love for each other. I got to admit that the more time I spent with her the more in love I was. My guess is it stands true in any case. What else would explain 50-year-old marriages that we witness here in India?

Everything was hunky-dory till that day we went to a movie together. To tell you the truth, there were two other boys accompanying us. I was taking her out, and since she would not come alone, I had to arrange for two more friends to join us. They were happy to help me. I have a feeling it had something to do with the fact that I was paying for their tickets and would get them the customary popcorn too.

We were an hour into the movie and one of the boys whispered into my ears: “Did you hold her hand?”

“What?”

“Did you touch her?” he rephrased his question for my convenience.

An indignant me asked, “No. Why?”

“Come on man. If you do not even hold her hand, she would never come out with you again,” he said confidently.

I lost track of the movie from then on. The next one-hour was spent in darkness…not knowing what to do. Being a man quite chaste, I did not even hold her hand. I wanted to hold her hand after we got married.

Eventually, the hormones won, and I placed my hand over her’s on the armrest. And that was the end of all. She left the movie in a huff, and refused to see me, leave alone talking.

Two days after the movie episode, I got a letter from Kavitha (we used to exchange quite a few), which said she could no longer be my girl friend. I was shattered. But as it is in such cases, I could not do anything.

Now you know the reason why at 25 (or is it 29?), I am still a virgin. Well, almost.

Non-Resident Indians

Who are these rich people? I do not know. What is their general profile? I am not sure.

By definition an NRI could be a guy who works at a gas station in Texas as also Sulman Rushdie who just types into a word processor, yet is probably the 6th richest Indian outside of India. The first are the Mittals, I think.

NRIs could be pickle manufacturers like Lakhubhai Pathak (hope he is the guy..), or great ideators like Sabeer Bhatia, of Hotmail fame. They come in all shapes and sizes. They come in all religions and castes. They are the guys who left rich, who left poor. Who went to relax, who went to make a living. Those that flew the Luxury class and those that kept a cheek on the copper keel while traveling third class in a cruiser.

Over a period of time, I would also come to know that at the higher economical levels, the NRI community interacts with the locals. But at the lower levels, it is at the bare minimum. In fact, just the amount required for survival.

Wonder if they are the ones that responded to the Quit India Movement initiated by Mahatma Gandhi in 1942.

With a pinch of salt…

This section will try to squeeze out some humour in and around my office. Please bear with me if you happen to be the subject of the cartoon. When the insult gets unbearable let me know, I will remove the caricature. Just that, I will post a comment that would be even more insulting. Nah…just kidding.FAQs

1) Will this deal with only humour from within this office?
Not necessarily. If I were to depend on humour from within this office, my creativity would be starved.

2) Is this an attempt to malign somebody in office?
No. Would not try that. Would not want these pretty cartoons of mine pulled off the site.

3) What do you get by putting up these cartoons?
The satisfaction of pulling your leg from a very safe distance.

4) Who were your inspiration and what made you think there was humour in this office?
People like Salim, K Venkatesh, Kountinya, Rajamani, Kennedi, Krish, Shyam, Terrence, Nandu and how can I leave out Muthu Pillai – all different kinds of humorists.

5) What if I get thrown out of the office?

I will beg, plead, buy vegetables for home, wash children`s clothes and eventually make it to a glass cabin.

(Thanks to Robin Sam, whose constructive criticism helped me move to actual cartooning – drawing my own caricatures instead of using photographs. I drew these caricatures cartoons myself on Flash).

Click Here to go to the cartooning section