Can men survive labour pain? Watch two men suffer

Wondering ….

It is raining poems. This one was written now, even as I waited for my wife to pick me up on her way back from office.

Sitting alone in office,
Waiting for my wife to pick me up,
I wondered, how times change.
How she would once say: ‘pick me up’!
Some day, unable to walk
I would say “hold me up!”
My daughter will smile & wonder:
“How I would once say ‘hold me up’!

An Ode to Facebook

I started writing poems when I was in class eight and have some 500+ of them stored in decaying notebooks, in my attic. Unfortunately, back then one wrote in notebooks and didn’t digitalize. I will share them shortly.

Last night, I dreamt of my XII English teacher Ms Rajalakshmi. When she was getting married, she had inspired me to write this poem titled ‘No Longer Innocent’.

Irony is, she loved the poem so much that she asked me to read it in front of the class. Words aren’t enough to express how difficult it was to fight back tears that day…while I read the poem to the class.

And in case you are wondering…yes, in later years this poem was used to lure that odd pretty girl to the lair.

Anyway, coming back to the dream…it made me realize that I hadn’t written in 6 years (coincidence that I have also been married for six years?!). Here is a feeble attempt. It is an attempt after a long time, so be generous in your feedback. Please.

An Ode to Facebook

It all started with an invite.
A crime in broad daylight,
For it was sent to friends infinite.
Yet, meant to excite.

To see my friend’s photos,
My secrets I did disclose.
After creating an account,
Facebook, I did mount.

They bribed me with a Profile
Like a Kingfisher seat in the aisle.

Soon enough, I got poked,
And my emotions got evoked.
I proposed, but she got provoked,
For no fault of mine, I got smoked!

Few strangers sent friend requests,
I ignored the chests & accepted breasts,

Damn! This Facebook suggests,
Strangers I wouldn’t invite as guests.

I got a dashboard too,
And the voyeurist in me grew.
Now I could see girlfriends, wives,
Drives, contrives, thrives and archives.

Now I could see links, pages, ages,
And onstage, offstage rampages.

Status updates, Comments & Likes,
All controlled my mood spikes.

With Newsfeeds served to me hot,
I had hit a jackpot.

Facebook as an idea, I had bought,
Rest of my life, I forgot.

– Jammy

North Indian winter – bitter times

Four years back, I tasted my first winter here in Gurgaon. Not really my first…coz as a small kid I have stayed in Jalandhar for three years and tasted bitter winters before. But as an adult it was my first time.

The difference between tasting winter as a child and as an adult is that in the latter, you are the one making all the decisions. The fact that I believe I was a bear in my previous birth also doesn’t help – half the time I am thinking if I should be hibernating instead of living my life outside of the bed.

When I was a child, my mom would heat the water for me, give me a bath, wipe me, rush me to the bed and wrap me in a warm rajai (warm blanket in Hindi), make me wear my Kendriya Vidhyala uniform, pull down the sweater from over my head, make me wear the shoes….and ensure I was ready for the cold winter.

When I wet the bed (which included a Rajai), she never complained and dried it in the sun the next day even as she asked me: “”Why didn’t you wake me up, if you had to pee?”

I remember saying: “But ma, I promise every time I wet the bed, I was dreaming that I was actually in the washroom.”

I even remember having dinner when cocooned inside the Rajai.

Winters back then didn’t seem as harsh as they seem now. Guess I need to thank my mother for that. Now that I have to take all the decisions myself…it seems difficult.

Should I wake up at 6 am or stay back in bed till 7 am? Tough call isn’t it?

Should I have my tea inside the Rajai or should I have it with rest of the family at the dining table?

Should I heat the water or should it be cold water? Especially since my 65 year old father in law still struts out of the bathroom half naked after taking bath in cold water. I swear he does it to show my wife what a pussy I am.

Should I even take bath daily? If I am not taking bath, should I spend time inside the washroom and come out after ten minutes after wetting the hair…so that others in the family don’t know that I didn’t take bath.

Should I wear a warmer inside the shirt, and then wear a sweater outside? If I wear a warmer, should I tell my mother in law, who has only a cotton saree draped around her when she stands in the balcony sipping her morning tea?

Should I wash my face in cold water after I come back from office? If not, should I stay inside the washroom with tap water running….and pretend to be fresh when I come out?

Should I get out of the Rajai at 3 am to go to the washroom or should I just pee inside the Rajai and pretend it was my daughter who peed?

The decisions are tough, and they make the winter even more bitter.

What makes it even more difficult is the fact that my father in law and mother in law just don’t feel the cold.

“Father, please wear a sweater….or you will catch a cold.” I remember saying 20 days back.

“You can cover yourself all you want, but I bet you will catch a cold before I do.” My arrogant father in law replied.

“Whats the bet?” I was sure he would succumb. After all, he was 65 years old, he wasn’t covering himself in sweaters and shawls. And if that wasn’t enough, I could always feed him curd and ice cream…and bring him down.

“You tell me.” My still-arrogant father in law commanded.

“How about you sponsor a trip for the whole family to Phi Phi Islands in Thailand once you catch the cold?” I have always wanted to visit Phi Phi islands….and thought it was a great way to earn a free trip. Besides, Rekha never bought any dowry….and such bets were the only way to milk my father in law.

“Done deal.”

I lost on the 16th day of the bet. I tried to hide my cold & cough….but there is little you can hide when the morsel of food you just put inside your mouth flies out during a stifled cough and lands on your father in law’s plate.

I am now taking the whole family to Phi Phi island.

It is not just the in laws who are mutants. Rekha herself is able to bear the cold a lot better than I am able to.

“Anything, you are eating that I am not eating? ” I asked my wife sarcastically one day.

“Nope…nothing. I always give you what I have myself. The only thing I didn’t share with you in the last 5 years together are the pregnancy pills. But why do you ask?”

“Why don’t you feel cold?” I enquired.

Before my wife could answer, my three and a half year old daughter pulled at my sweater and said: “Appa, please wear your slip ons….or you will catch a cold.”

I could have swore my wife’s family had been tutoring my daughter against me. But I haven’t been able to get any evidence against them except for that one time when my daughter said: “Amma says you are like a small baby.”

BTW, just in case you didn’t know Amma in Tamil means, Mother.

If only my family knew the Japanese proverb: “One kind word can warm three winter months.”

Wanted: Lady Gym Instructor

If you are only interested in the Gym Instructor’s job….skip this crap and scroll below

Japanese believe in manufacturing goods that last for a certain period. I am told, they purposefully don’t manufacturer goods to last a lifetime. Unfortunately, the name of this philosophy currently evades me.

This has made me believe that God is Japanese. Why else would God ensure that a heart is good only for a certain number of heartbeats?

Under such circumstances, it made no sense to fasten my heartbeats in a gym by working out. Besides, my body-fat index is 1:1….one small body and one huge chunk of fat.

Now, why am I telling you this? Because, two days back an old NCC friend of mine who is now settled in Sharjah, (in UAE) called me up to say that she along with her friend was starting a gymnasium and needed a lady gym instructor from India.

“What all should she know? Karate? Judo?” I asked.

“She should be young & energetic…and should believe in working out…that’s all,” Roopa replied.

“Indian?”

“Would be great, if she is an Indian.”

If you want an Indian, she might not work on Sundays. How flexible do you want her?”

“She should be able to do splits…that’s all.” Roopa thundered into her mobile.

“No no…what will be the work hours, Roopa?”

“The regular gym work hours.” Roopa was getting impatient. Why do all women get impatient with me?

“Any proficiency required?” I thundered back. Sometimes with women, you have to give it back to them…so I faked my impatience.

“Yes, Yoga and aerobic proficiency is a must. Why don’t I mail it to you and you carry it on your so-so blog as is?”

Needless to say, she was on the edge by then. I didn’t pursue the matter further and decided to mention the requirements as is. So here goes.

Do take a look and if interested….please get in touch with her. Or if you know somebody who would like to apply, please share.

Wanted: Lady Gym Instructor

  • Two years of experience as a fitness trainer
  • Yoga or Aerobic proficiency (valid certificate necessary)
  • Good Communication skills
  • Should be young and energetic, result oriented lady
  • Roopa can be contacted at roopa_nmani@yahoo.co.in

    I am an environmentalist with blood on my hands

    You have probably doubted my honestly while reading one of the articles on Ouchmytoe.com and wondered…I have read this joke somewhere. Chances are you did read it or saw it somewhere! For I love to re-cycle. Did I tell you I am an environmentalist?

    So much so, I wanted to marry a lady who was married before. If you have also had that urge let me tell you that women are once bitten twice shy…they don’t go for second marriages.

    You got to trust me when I say I am an environmentalist. If I weren’t, I wouldn’t be going around in my 10kms/liter Suzuki Swift and asking the anti-environmentalists living in huts on the roadside to cut down on wood-burning. What a sham it is….they don’t even know about carbon emissions.

    What do these hut-dwellers know about partying? At the rate ice has been melting from the glaciers…we will be running out of ice for our scotch. And these people don’t even care. This irresponsibility is what I don’t like in these poor people.

    There are some rich people that I hate too – authors for example. Some authors are like me….hoping to make some money via the book royalties. But most others are rich, who wouldn’t mind felling a tree to write a book, that will be published in thousands, bought by 100s and read by 10s. Anti environmentalists, all.

    I am poor, and am writing a book so that I could become rich. But once I am rich and can manage air conditioners in my bedroom, drawing room, dining room, study, and puja room, I promise to not leave it on full blast. Whenever I am leaving the room….I will put my air conditioner to medium.

    When I am rich, I might also opt for solar energy to power the appliances in my house. But when I think that sun will be away 50% of the times…I really wonder if it is such a good idea. When it comes to being without working appliances & being called an environmentalist….I guess, I will prefer working appliances. Let me re-think the solar energy plan.

    I would have gone for wind power as well….but imagine blocking the scenery for all my rich neighbours by building a 40 feet windmill. No, let me re-think the wind energy plan too.

    I know with no solar & wind energy to supplement my energy requirements, there will be a lot of demand for petrol & diesel. But I am not really worried. The moment, the cost of petrol goes up to Rs 120/litre….I will start FedEx-ing my car to my destination and save on Petrol costs. It will work out cheaper if I have a corporate account with FedEx.

    With no private transport, I will have the option of walking. A fine sight it will be – all those who didn’t kill themselves because of the money they owe to the Petrol/Diesel Bunk owners will be walking. And getting healthier.

    With most of the people walking, and most tired in life because they were not used to walking….the morale of the junta will be very low. But do not worry, for I have a great plan to improve the morale of the people all over the World – start selling fuel in barrel sizes that are smaller…so that common folks get the feel that fuel is aplenty. The side benefit: The cost per barrel of the fuel prices will come down. There will be good will all over.

    Such drastic steps like reducing the barrel size becomes imperative because very soon we are heading for the time when Reality Shows will stop gifting cars to the winners and instead gift “one tank full of petrol.”

    They say, cut down on the household fuel consumption and the city ends up cutting down its consumption…and when lots of cities cut down consumption…the whole country cuts down on its fuel consumption. Great thought. But did anybody think of skipping the households and cutting down the consumption in the city itself? No!

    Just in case you didn’t know…in India, Mumbai is the biggest consumer of everything. That’s the whole bloody irony of life. If Global Warming continues as it is going currently….by 2050, half of Mumbai will be under water. Did you just ask, “so whats the bad news?”

    Well the bad news is that the other half will still be above water.

    Working out made easy for novices

    As you are probably aware, I already have a treadmill at home. We used to work out in the initial days, but now we use it to dry our clothes. If you planning to buy a treadmill, I would suggest you buy one that can hold more than four dripping-wet T-shirts…for after a few months that’s what you will use it for.

    Frankly, what I like about exercising is the heavy breathing. And since enough sex wasn’t coming by (sex after marriage is like phone calls after death….they eventually taper off)…I thought Rekha and I could run on the treadmill side by side breathing heavily. After Rekha refused to participate a couple of times, saying she had a headache I gave up trying. Like I said, now we dry our clothes on it.

    When it comes to exercising, there are two things that I learnt early. Don’t join a gym to pick up a girl…because girls get interested in exercising only when they are about to get married. Last time I joined a gym….I got to know four girls. All of them had the same answer: “I want to be in the best shape for my honeymoon.”

    The second thing I learnt is never try and make a Gujarati your gym partner. Your attempt will be unsuccessful. Have you ever seen a muscular Gujarati? They are all chubby & cute….but not muscular. If you have seen a muscular Gujarati, do mail me…and don’t forget to attach his/her picture & birth certificate.

    Anyway, with the treadmill not being used I had a few options to keep myself fully fit for that odd chance that one day I would meet with an accident and the Malayali nurse in the Emergency section while removing my shirt would end up saying, “If this guy survives, I am going to have wild sex with him!”

    There were four things I (or you!) could do to lose weight. Here are my experiences with all the four:

  • Indulge in brisk walks
  • Join a Swimming Pool club
  • Buy exercising videos
  • Join a Gym
  • Indulge in brisk walks

    Brisk walks are a good idea. However hard you try you just can’t overdo walking. Just remember to turn back at the half way point and get back home. I didn’t and after a week was 45 kms away from home. Thankfully, my wife had reported my absence at the Police Station and I got a lift back home.

    It is also a good idea to exploit the walking track inside your apartment. Just wear rubber soled shoes, and tag along behind an unmarried or recently married girl who is walking. If all the World’s mobiles haven’t been stolen by the Mobile Grinch, this girl would be on her mobile while walking….and you can get to know her better. If she stops to let you pass, you should start stretching your back…and pretend as if she doesn’t exist. After a few stops to let you pass…she will give up and let you tag along.

    Join a Swimming Pool club

    This can be a costly affair. The swimming club entries start at Rs 100/day and upwards…but that’s the least of your worries. I joined a swimming club myself and would do 100 laps every day of the Olympic sized pool. It went on well for a month, till my wife noticed that my fuel bills had sky-rocketed to Rs 20,000. The motor boat was consuming too much fuel…and why not…100 laps of an Olympic sized pool is quite a distance.

    This was my second experience with a swimming club. When I was 20 years old, I spent a year hiding behind the bushes near the swimming pool…less to do with work outs…more to do with watching bikini-clad women get out of water. If you are a 20 year old, don’t waste your precious time waiting by the side of the water…you should instead grab a beer. Very rarely do bush-hiders get lucky (watch the video till the end, the guy in the blue cap gets lucky with Rambha in one of the Tamil movies…and see how excited the guy gets)

    Buy exercising videos

    Never buy exercise videos…especially if they have been recorded by Arindam Chaudhuri of IIPM. Oops! Did I just give away PlanMan Media’s future plans? Apparently, now that they have ensured mental exercise for the Indians, Arindam Chaudhuri is now ensuring physical exercise for Indians.

    Anyway, I bought couple of exercise videos and for six months watched them everyday in the morning between 6.30-7.00 am while eating chocolate cookies. If I was in the mood for some exercise in the evenings….I watched it with couple of bottles of Carlsberg beer. Let me assure you the exercise videos are a waste of money. You only put on weight.

    Join a Gym

    Joining a gym is the easiest of tasks. Apparently, you have to show up at the gym to lose weight…which I found surprising. If I have to do all the hard work, why pay them?

    Back in the 90s, gyms hadn’t understood the business and had huge bouncer like guys at the reception so after four months of visiting the gym when the payment was due, I walked in one day and withdrew my gym membership.

    Now-a-days, gym management has improved. They have pretty looking receptionists and withdrawing a gym membership has become a nightmare. I was the member of a gym called Talwalkers in Chennai…and here is what happened when I went to withdraw my membership.

    I walked up to the pretty girl at the Talwalkers reception and said in my confident voice: “Hi, I am a member of this Gym, but want to withdraw my membership.”

    “Why sir?” I couldn’t help notice the honey dripping from her voice.

    “I realized I wasn’t really spending time here, so thought I might as well withdraw.”

    “No sir, you can’t do this. You are an enthusiastic gym member…you can’t do this.” She had now moved out from behind the reception desk and was standing close to me.

    “But I am really wasting my money here.”

    “No sir, I can’t let you do this. You have to stay. I want you here.” At this stage, I could hear her heavy breathing.

    “Buuutttt…I am not losing any weight. There is no point.”

    “Sir, you will have to be a member of this gym for my sake…please …please…please …don’t go.” Now she was breathing down my neck, and I could feel her warm breath in my ears.

    By now, my brain had stopped working and the body management was taken over by a prick of an organ.

    “Okkkk fineeee. If you say so. By the way, I am moving to Gurgaon…so won’t be able to come here on my monthly visits…can I pay one year in advance?”

    It has been three years since I have come to Gurgaon, and every year I receive a call from the girl telling me that my gym membership in Chennai is expiring and I need to renew. And I renew.

    Jammy’s stand up comedy on Corporate Life

    “There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy’s heart stops, and you’re the one who has to fix it!” – Jon Stewart

    Maybe that’s why I always wanted to be a stand up comedian – because it didn’t require me to fix a stopping heart. My first attempt was in the form of podcasts in 2007 but it failed…at least you guys didn’t have to endure the visuals. Anyway, the attempt fizzled out and now here is my second attempt at stand up comedy.

    The topic this week is ‘Life in a Corporate’. Enjoy, and do leave your comments/feedback in the comments…so next time you get a better performance.

    There are two parts to the act (for the simple reason that Youtube doesn’t allow for videos longer than 15 minutes to be uploaded). Needless to say, see the first part first.