Working out made easy for novices

As you are probably aware, I already have a treadmill at home. We used to work out in the initial days, but now we use it to dry our clothes. If you planning to buy a treadmill, I would suggest you buy one that can hold more than four dripping-wet T-shirts…for after a few months that’s what you will use it for.

Frankly, what I like about exercising is the heavy breathing. And since enough sex wasn’t coming by (sex after marriage is like phone calls after death….they eventually taper off)…I thought Rekha and I could run on the treadmill side by side breathing heavily. After Rekha refused to participate a couple of times, saying she had a headache I gave up trying. Like I said, now we dry our clothes on it.

When it comes to exercising, there are two things that I learnt early. Don’t join a gym to pick up a girl…because girls get interested in exercising only when they are about to get married. Last time I joined a gym….I got to know four girls. All of them had the same answer: “I want to be in the best shape for my honeymoon.”

The second thing I learnt is never try and make a Gujarati your gym partner. Your attempt will be unsuccessful. Have you ever seen a muscular Gujarati? They are all chubby & cute….but not muscular. If you have seen a muscular Gujarati, do mail me…and don’t forget to attach his/her picture & birth certificate.

Anyway, with the treadmill not being used I had a few options to keep myself fully fit for that odd chance that one day I would meet with an accident and the Malayali nurse in the Emergency section while removing my shirt would end up saying, “If this guy survives, I am going to have wild sex with him!”

There were four things I (or you!) could do to lose weight. Here are my experiences with all the four:

  • Indulge in brisk walks
  • Join a Swimming Pool club
  • Buy exercising videos
  • Join a Gym
  • Indulge in brisk walks

    Brisk walks are a good idea. However hard you try you just can’t overdo walking. Just remember to turn back at the half way point and get back home. I didn’t and after a week was 45 kms away from home. Thankfully, my wife had reported my absence at the Police Station and I got a lift back home.

    It is also a good idea to exploit the walking track inside your apartment. Just wear rubber soled shoes, and tag along behind an unmarried or recently married girl who is walking. If all the World’s mobiles haven’t been stolen by the Mobile Grinch, this girl would be on her mobile while walking….and you can get to know her better. If she stops to let you pass, you should start stretching your back…and pretend as if she doesn’t exist. After a few stops to let you pass…she will give up and let you tag along.

    Join a Swimming Pool club

    This can be a costly affair. The swimming club entries start at Rs 100/day and upwards…but that’s the least of your worries. I joined a swimming club myself and would do 100 laps every day of the Olympic sized pool. It went on well for a month, till my wife noticed that my fuel bills had sky-rocketed to Rs 20,000. The motor boat was consuming too much fuel…and why not…100 laps of an Olympic sized pool is quite a distance.

    This was my second experience with a swimming club. When I was 20 years old, I spent a year hiding behind the bushes near the swimming pool…less to do with work outs…more to do with watching bikini-clad women get out of water. If you are a 20 year old, don’t waste your precious time waiting by the side of the water…you should instead grab a beer. Very rarely do bush-hiders get lucky (watch the video till the end, the guy in the blue cap gets lucky with Rambha in one of the Tamil movies…and see how excited the guy gets)

    Buy exercising videos

    Never buy exercise videos…especially if they have been recorded by Arindam Chaudhuri of IIPM. Oops! Did I just give away PlanMan Media’s future plans? Apparently, now that they have ensured mental exercise for the Indians, Arindam Chaudhuri is now ensuring physical exercise for Indians.

    Anyway, I bought couple of exercise videos and for six months watched them everyday in the morning between 6.30-7.00 am while eating chocolate cookies. If I was in the mood for some exercise in the evenings….I watched it with couple of bottles of Carlsberg beer. Let me assure you the exercise videos are a waste of money. You only put on weight.

    Join a Gym

    Joining a gym is the easiest of tasks. Apparently, you have to show up at the gym to lose weight…which I found surprising. If I have to do all the hard work, why pay them?

    Back in the 90s, gyms hadn’t understood the business and had huge bouncer like guys at the reception so after four months of visiting the gym when the payment was due, I walked in one day and withdrew my gym membership.

    Now-a-days, gym management has improved. They have pretty looking receptionists and withdrawing a gym membership has become a nightmare. I was the member of a gym called Talwalkers in Chennai…and here is what happened when I went to withdraw my membership.

    I walked up to the pretty girl at the Talwalkers reception and said in my confident voice: “Hi, I am a member of this Gym, but want to withdraw my membership.”

    “Why sir?” I couldn’t help notice the honey dripping from her voice.

    “I realized I wasn’t really spending time here, so thought I might as well withdraw.”

    “No sir, you can’t do this. You are an enthusiastic gym member…you can’t do this.” She had now moved out from behind the reception desk and was standing close to me.

    “But I am really wasting my money here.”

    “No sir, I can’t let you do this. You have to stay. I want you here.” At this stage, I could hear her heavy breathing.

    “Buuutttt…I am not losing any weight. There is no point.”

    “Sir, you will have to be a member of this gym for my sake…please …please…please …don’t go.” Now she was breathing down my neck, and I could feel her warm breath in my ears.

    By now, my brain had stopped working and the body management was taken over by a prick of an organ.

    “Okkkk fineeee. If you say so. By the way, I am moving to Gurgaon…so won’t be able to come here on my monthly visits…can I pay one year in advance?”

    It has been three years since I have come to Gurgaon, and every year I receive a call from the girl telling me that my gym membership in Chennai is expiring and I need to renew. And I renew.

    By Jamshed V Rajan

    Jammy, as Jamshed V Rajan is affectionately called, is a wannabe stand up comedian. He has a funny take on most things but documents only some of them. If you are interested in chatting up with him, do drop him an email at or message him at +919650080255.

    6 replies on “Working out made easy for novices”

    “It has been three years since I have come to Gurgaon, and every year I receive a call from the girl telling me that my gym membership in Chennai is expiring and I need to renew. And I renew. ”

    LOL, renew what?? i wonder

    Ashmeet patel…gujju…muscular….lol

    3 yrs of renewing was total BS or if it was true…then u r bigegst desperate I have ever seen…so I hope its a made up story…..

    I know everything was made up story…but it was little too much this time Jimmy…

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